Neil Sedaka sure got it right when he sang "Breaking up is hard to do...." and I'm sure I'm not the only one who understood only too well when Leona sang "I keep bleeding love..."

When that great love affair is over, you may find that the pain and anguish completely overwhelm you. You feel frozen in time, drowning in your emotions and you just don't know how you can cope.

While all your defences come rushing in to protect you from the hurt and the pain of lost love, it's true that everyone reacts differently.

Reacting to Lost Love

You may find yourself withdrawing from the world and isolating yourself. You may find you become a manic social butterfly. You may find that you become totally immersed in your work. After all if you keep yourself busy, you reason, you won't have time to think or feel.

You may find yourself begging and pleading with your partner to try again or you may find yourself become angry, aggressive and even abusive in your exchanges.

You may find that you immediately start looking for the next relationship or swear you'll never look at another man / woman again.

What Now?

What I'm going to say now may be difficult for you to take on board if you are in the emotional upheavals of a break-up, but please stay with me -- especially if you want something other than more heartache in the future.

The simple truth is: if you want something different, you need to be doing something different.

I know, it's simple but not necessarily easy. If you want a happy relationship next time around, you need to understand yourself better. You need to know why you keep getting into certain patterns of relationships. You need to understand what needs to happen for you to have a fulfilling and happy relationship in the future. You need to know what a healthy relationship is.

So, decide now that you will use this time of crisis as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to feel more confident about yourself and to feel good about who you are. Decide to use this time to understand why your relationships haven't worked out up to now, and to learn how to have healthy, fulfilling, authentic and happy relationships.

I know that this step might feel almost impossible to embrace when you are in so much pain, so if you can't step completely into it, then as one author, Jack Canfield, puts it: "just lean into it." You can do that, little by little, starting with the steps below.

Step 1: Give Yourself Space

• You need space now, agree not to have contact with each other. You will just keep the unhealthy cycle going.

• Make a promise to yourself not to go straight into another relationship - you are only bound to see the same problems manifesting

Step 2: Don't isolate yourself

• Depression rates are higher for people who have a perceived lack of social support • Stay in contact with friends and family who can be supportive • Try to get out and do things - even if it means ‘forcing' yourself. • Maybe it's better to try new things rather than visit the ‘old' places

Step 3: Start Your Journey of Self Healing

• Start a diary or journal, write poetry, use music or art if you prefer. Many people find this useful for two reasons in particular:

First, you have a space to dump your raw feelings without worrying about others' reactions or judgement. This alone allows some relief. Emotions are energy and they need release or they end up coming out in unhealthy ways.

Secondly, getting your thoughts and feelings out of your head, helps you to organise and make sense of what's going on for you. Rather than the thoughts and feelings continuing to chaotically swirl around, going nowhere, you can be more objective when you take them out of your head and place them somewhere else.

• Realise you are not alone. The power of getting that you are not the only one going through this pain can't be over-estimated. I can't count the number of times I've heard people saying, "I thought I was going crazy," "I thought I was the only one feeling this way", or "I'm so relieved... I thought something was wrong with me!"

Seek professional help

You don't have to be ‘crazy' to seek professional help. You don't have to worry about hurting your therapist's feelings, you don't have to worry about them judging you. This means, you can be totally honest with whatever is going on with you - however ‘crazy' it all seems. It's like taking the thread of a ball of yarn and slowly and in a safe place beginning to unravel it.

Remember, you are not sick or crazy, you are just 'stuck.'

Only when you are able to process your own feelings sufficiently - the loss, the pain, the anger, the grief - are you able to truly let go. Once you let go, you can begin the process of becoming more authentic and in time, attract a new happy, fulfilling and authentic relationship.

And one day soon you'll realise you're humming, "Love is in the Air"...