Relationship problems! How many times have you heard this phrase? Psychologists and marriage counselors love to bandy about the categories of the phenomenon. Usually, however, the focus is on money, sex, religion, communication and honesty. But much of this terminology is abstract. What they miss is real life conflict. If you put two human beings together, it would be strange, if not miraculous, if they did not experience conflict over some issue. This is a matter of lifestyle, and it is dramatically portrayed in the TV drama: Wife Swap. This reality program is all about relationship problems and how to work through them. Relationship problems often arise in Wife Swap because one person or family is a neat freak and the other is just a freak. Socks, bag lunches, jackets and shoes are thrown into a pile on the floor and one has to unscramble the items in order to use them. In the contrasting household, dress wear is hung up on hooks or folded and placed in cabinets, all color coded and indexed for each member of the household. One household picks up and organizes and the other lives in a scramble. For example, Mary, a member of the organized family who has just moved into the Junket family household, constructs storage spaces or clothes and removes all loose items from the floor. By contrast, Marty, a member of the Junket family, has just reassembled the storage spaces at the neat-nick’s home, and there is some order, but it is not an order recognized by Mary. All clothing items are placed in a circle so one can come and grab whatever is desired at the moment. Therefore, chaos reigns supreme and the relationship problems increase exponentially for everyone involved in the situation.

Relationship problems are exacerbated by contrasting views of hygiene. The neat-nick family baths once a day and the Junket family bathes when they feel like it. When they discuss their differences it becomes apparent that they have a conflict of values. In philosophy, it is called the contrast between the Apollonian way of life and the Dionysian way of life. This contrast spills over into other areas of life, such as religion. Mary and her family are Quakers and their mode of worship is to sit quietly and wait for the light to come, while the Junket family abides by that old time religion. There is a lots of shouting, waving of the arms and crying.

Another area of contrast is family finance. Mary’s family keeps a ledger of all expenses and all income and balances the books every month, while the junket family throws random amounts of cash in the bank and hope that that amount covers their expenses. It should go without saying that the relationship problems resulting from these two diametrically opposed systems of financial management are too numerous to count with conventional mathematical methods.

Relationship problems can arise from food choices. If one cooks for a family, one comes to expect that the family will partake of the meal provided by the cook. Mary and her family are vegetarians. The member of the Junket family are hunters, so for them there need to be a good supply of venison, fish, quail, and duck available.

Obviously, these three areas of activity, which require daily attention, are, of course, hotbeds of relationship problems, and since they involve everyone in the family, it is inevitable that everyone will be affected by the resulting relationship problems.

Imagine now that Mary’s daughter is a single person and she meets David Junket, an eligible bachelor. All the conflicts cited above for families could now apply to the individual. They should, in the best of all possible worlds, have honest conversations about their attitude toward structure, hygiene, dietary choices and finances.  What if, after they marry, they discover that their mate is a spendthrift and the other hoards nickels like a miser? Who will prepare food? Both? Or will there be possible compromises?  How will they worship? Together or separately? Or is there a middle position?  Needless to say, there are questions and resulting issues pertaining to their sexual preferences. Whatever they may prefer, this preference must take into account the attitude they hold in regard to hygiene. Certainly, once-a-day bathing in contrast to bathing any old time will likely promote strong verbal reaction, if not behavior. Such is the nature of relationship problems.

It is true that one does not just marry a person, but they marry an entire family. This is why quickie marriages often do not work. Consider the possibility that when Mary’s daughter meets David, she meets a person who has learned to act in an entirely different way from his family, but when he takes Mary to meet his family, she is in for a shock.  She may be placed in the position of avoiding his family or compromising her values. The other possibility is that the Junket family compromises on certain positions they hold dear. However, given the ingrained habits of family life this is unlikely and is probably fertile ground for the growth of numerous relationship problems.