What's Your Definition of Trust? 

By Susie and Otto Collins

The word “trust” means something slightly different to each of us. Depending on the life experiences you've had and the beliefs you hold, trust can relate to a variety of qualities. Despite these variations, however, we know trust to be vitally important to a close, connected love relationship. Without trust, you and your partner are undoubtedly missing out on deeper and fuller love.

Have you ever been around a person whom you just didn't trust? Perhaps you had a disappointing or even hurtful experience with this person and even though you are choosing to interact with him or her, you keep yourself guarded and make certain there is distance (emotional or physical) between the two of you. It could be that you feel like you were betrayed by this person when it came to a confidence you shared with him or her. Maybe it was a close friend with whom you entrusted very personal information and then the friend carelessly told others which made you feel vulnerable and upset.

Whatever happened to form your opinion that this person is not trustworthy-- or even if you merely sense that you shouldn't trust the person-- you might believe that it is in your best interest to withhold information or even yourself from the other person. It could seem to you that to be too open would be unwise or even dangerous. Undoubtedly, there is a wall between you and the person behind which you attempt to talk or interact with him or her.

Does this make it challenging to have an enriching friendship or even comfortable acquaintance with another person? Of course it does-- even if it seems like the best tactic. Now imagine that you are trying to have a love relationship with a person whom, for whatever reason, you just cannot trust. It's one thing to, for example, keep a co-worker at arm's length because you caught him or her spreading lies about you to others you work with, including your employer.

But keeping your love at a distance while trying to have a connected relationship with a wall of mistrust between the two of you is not conducive to closeness, connection and certainly not passion and intimacy.

Get clear about what trust means to you.

It might be readily apparent to you why you mistrust your partner. Perhaps he or she had an affair or has a habit of lying. These are certainly things that can break trust and contribute to distance and disconnection. We aren't suggesting that you should blindly trust your mate again after a betrayal-- or if the foundations for trust have been shaky from the beginning of your relationship.

Instead, we encourage you to take some time to figure out what trust means to you. As we said above, trust can mean different things to different people. When you get clear about what trust means for you and in your relationship, you can more easily make choices that will turn you toward trust.

You might start out by writing the word “trust” at the top of a piece of paper and then freely write down whatever words pop into your head associated with “trust.” Take a look at your list and highlight or circle the words that resonate for you the strongest. You might relate most to truthfulness and honesty-- especially when it comes to communication. Or it could be that feeling like you can depend on your partner is most relevant to you. Try not to judge your definition and priorities about trust in terms of validity or significance. Just notice what comes up for you and then honor where you are right now.

How can you realize your definition of trust?

Now that you are clearer about what trust means to you in this relationship, begin to open up to ways that you can realize that definition of trust. You might start by taking a step back from what you usually see in yourself, your partner and your relationship. Look at your situation in a different way. Perhaps your mate is trustable in ways you don't usually recognize. If so, acknowledge that.

This doesn't mean that you have to overlook what feels inappropriate or dissatisfying to you. But sometimes when you shift your vision or expand your view, you are able to see that there is more to the trust picture than you were perceiving before. This can help the healing and rebuilding.

You might also decide what changes you'd like to make in your own habits and behavior that can help the trust you want to happen. This might mean that you begin to set boundaries and make agreements that can help build trust with your partner. It could also mean that you take a serious look at your relationship and begin to decide if you want to stay in or leave it.

In just about every case, letting go of the past and keeping your attention on what you want-- including staying open to possibilities-- can take you closer to the trusting relationship you desire.