I am crazy about my husband.  But sometimes I just feel crazy!   It is one of the most exhausting and rewarding things to be emotionally tied up to someone.   Maybe the phrase "tied up" expresses it all...and is much too revealing.

My husband says he is "nuts and bolts"...not complex like me.  I have tried nuts and bolts....maybe not very well...but I have tried.   I just don't understand quite how to do it.   How do you quiet the internal thoughts and wonderings?  

Last night, my husband and I had another emotional talk that led into the wee hours of the morning.    Nothing was solved.    He said he felt like "sh*t" when he woke up, because he didn't want to "go there" again.

I realized that where he didn't want to go was, feeling hurt.   He wanted to maintain the nuts and bolts.   We have both hurt each other over and over.

But the hurt is not caused by a lack of loving...I know we both love each other desperately....and do not want to hurt each other.   We just process things differently...and that makes it difficult to know how to act or respond to each other.

Sometimes I feel we are both walking on eggs....and playing as Stepford Spouses....just acting like there are no problems.   (until the sh*t hits the fan)

I told him last night that I felt lonely because there is no one that understands me.   He says that no one ever really understands anyone else because we all have our own experiences that no one but us has lived.    I know he is right about that.   It only makes sense.   But it doesn't fill the emptiness of being so misunderstood....so separate from each other...and maybe from everyone else.

Somewhere in there we talked about checking out the opposite sex.   He calls me Polly Purebred...I admitted that sometimes I check out other guys...maybe it is just a glance and I notice they have nice arms.   I don't undress them.   So we discussed the difference between guys and girls in that respect.   He knew girls in the past who supposedly undressed (in their mind)and had fantasies about guys.    Ok he knew a lot of girls that shared their intimate thoughts with him.  

I was a loner.   I don't know what other girls think or do.   He assumes I am like the girls he knows.   I am like no one.   I am me.   But he seemed to feel some victory to have me admit that I check out guys.   If you have eyes, how can you help it!   It doesn't mean anything more than just a passing look and thought.  I think it was a shallow victory for him, because even though he wanted me to say it, he didn't want to hear it.

The quick look and passing thought is put away so quickly that it has no time to germinate and turn into fantasy...but who can believe that?    Certainly not someone who doesn't understand Polly Purebred.    Maybe he is right.    Maybe I am not so pure.   And I am not willing to admit it.    But what is wrong with wanting to be pure?

Our battle grounds are so diverse.   It doesn't stop with that.   It goes on to who did what to whom first to make us react.   Years ago, I saw that he started a class mates account.   I got jealous.  Then he went out drinking one night and came home drunk.   While he was gone, I opened a class mates account...and found the email of my old boyfriend.   I was curious on how his life had turned out and I contacted him.   It was just a few emails that ended upruptedly.   When he found out he was furious.   Which over years, led to....one thing after another...

One episode of drama (years ago) happened the night I told him that I was jealous when he went alone to the boys soccer practice and then would mention talking to the other mother's there.   He was upset that I called him on that and told me he will talk to whoever he wanted...and I can talk to whoever I wanted.  But then when I would talk to people on the social anxiety forum he got upset.

  But he keeps his "upset" to himself.   Until things are brought up. 

I just want to love my husband...I just want to be reassured that he loves me....but it always something.

Why can't people who love each other just LOVE EACH OTHER....!

Why do we hurt?   Why do we cause pain, that we never mean to cause?

Why do I have to be so complex and he so nuts and bolts?   And yet I know that he is not just nuts and bolts.   He is probably one of the most complex persons I know.    And I am crazy about him!   I love him more than life itself....

But somehow that is not enough.   What is enough?

All I can come up with is a bible verse.   "the only thing that matters is faith working through love".   

The Only Thing That Matters.    I keep hearing Jewel's voice singing the phrase..."there is nothing without Love"

and I hear St Pauls words..."who shall separate me from this body of death"......Christ Jesus.

Is that the whole purpose of all this drama?   To realize that I am such a failure as a person.   And can't live without Jesus.   I don't mind admitting that.   I just wish it felt better... more often.