By Susie and Otto Collins

Jealousy can feel painful and even excruciating.

When you can't sleep or eat because you are so caught up with worries that your partner is flirting, cheating or merely looking at another person, you know that jealousy is painful.

You might notice physical sensations in your body when you are jealous. These may include: tense shoulders, upset stomach, headaches, even panic attacks. These are certainly uncomfortable and even distressing to experience.

Emotionally, jealousy can also be painful. The weight of jealous fears and worries can seem immense and cloud out the contentments or happinesses in your life that you might otherwise enjoy.

It could be that you and your mate have been through some tough times.

He or she might have had an affair which can make it seem difficult for you to know what to believe. Infidelity can shatter trust in a relationship and send any jealous tendencies you might have sky-rocketing.

Even if there is no history of infidelity in your current relationship, you might have been hurt by cheating in a past one. When you look at your present mate, you may unconsciously return to the betrayal by your previous partner and end up confused and upset without fully understanding why.

You may never have been through infidelity in a love relationship yet you still get jealous. For you, jealous fears may be rooted in low self-esteem or childhood experiences that eroded your sense of trust.

Cyndi has been through childbirth and broken bones. But, in many ways, the pain of the jealousy she feels on a daily basis makes those experiences seem mild.

Cyndi's partner Gary had an affair a couple of years ago. Even though Cyndi and Gary have worked to rebuild trust in their relationship and family, a part of Cyndi seems to refuse to heal and recover.

She fights the desire to question Gary whenever he's been away. She resists the urge to check Gary's personal e-mail account for suspicious correspondences, though Cyndi does spy in this way on occasion.

What is most difficult for Cyndi is the literal pain associated with jealousy. She feels torn up and raw inside and does not know how to make herself feel better. Cyndi also knows that her relationship with Gary could be so much closer-- it's as if the jealousy is standing between them.

Question your thoughts.

If you are trying to cope with the pain of jealousy, know that you can make a change that will help relieve you of this painful drain and allow you and your partner to continue to build or rebuild trust and connection with one another.

One of the most difficult aspects of jealousy is the steamroller effect that jealous thoughts can take on. After you begin to worry about what your partner is doing and who he or she is with, the fears can build and the images can seem crystal clear with increasing strength.

Pretty soon, it's hard to tell what is really going on in your life-- the stories in your head can be that vivid. And the sharp feelings that accompany those jealousy stories are oh so real.

Get into the habit of noticing what you are thinking. We aren't recommending that you try to monitor every single thought you have because this is nearly impossible!

When you realize that your stomach is clenching or your shoulders are tightening, tune in to how you are feeling and what you are thinking.

After you've identified a particular thought, ask yourself if you know this thought to be true. What actual evidence do you have that the image or belief you are thinking about is accurate?

This exercise isn't about making yourself feel bad or crazy. It's about stopping your jealousy in its tracks by questioning the thoughts that are fueling it.

Open up to true pain-relievers.

Cyndi has begun to pause when she notices her mind fixate on a belief or image that relates to Gary cheating again-- or even thinking about cheating. She is finding it helpful to bring her attention back to the present moment as she questions the thoughts that are linked to her jealousy when it arises.

But Cyndi is still experiencing pain. There continues to be a certain amount of grieving for the loss of trust that happened when Gary cheated years ago. And, for Cyndi, there is still pain around the fact that she is having a hard time letting go of the past and releasing her jealousy habit.

The pain, for Cyndi, is very layered and can be overwhelming at times. There are evenings when she wants nothing more than to deaden the pain by going out to party with friends at a bar or to sit at home and eat a pint of ice cream all by herself.

Unfortunately, none of these pain-relievers truly ease her suffering. After the effects of the alcohol or sugar wears off, Cyndi is left with that same discomfort and distress of jealousy.

Pay attention to what brings you ease and a sense of joy when you are not in the throes of jealousy.

From the more subtle and seemingly insignificant things to those more involved, really start to notice when something pleases you.

This could be watching your cat snooze on the couch or going for a jog in park. Or it might be watching a comedy film or reading an uplifting book. Some people enjoy singing, others like to dance. Still others write poetry or garden.

Make a list of all of the things that add lift and ease to your life. When you are in pain and feeling jealous, try something from your list.

While you might not be in the mood for a slapstick comedy, there may be something else on your list that could help you feel improved and some relief from your pain.

Combine the practice of questioning your thoughts with relieving your pain in ways that truly uplift you. Be sure to recognize what works and appreciate yourself for changing this pattern.