This is a great question that every parent must face as his or her child reaches teen years. Answering this question really depends on the type of failure you are trying to help your teenager with. Educational failure, social failure, and employment failure are just a few areas in life that teenagers today can fail. Each requires a different approach, evaluation of skills, understanding of information and joint involvement in solution (resolution) agreement.

I’m assuming this question is based on the education perspective as it seems most parents I talk with are more concerned about school performance. Social Failure and employment failure however are really just two other facets of the same problem solved through education and information.

Education and information start with helping your children to understand the importance of education. However, failing grades tends to surface the hidden grand speeches inside of every parent who wants their children to succeed. Chances are grand speeches on the importance of education are not as effective as getting involved. Keep in mind that grand speeches are important but much more effective when well timed and appropriate to the situation.

Grand speeches really reflect the parent’s understanding or misunderstanding of the problem neither of which is reflective of the teenager point of view. The best way to get started dealing with the problem is an unbiased evaluation of yourself as a parent. Ask yourself these questions; Am I consistent with homework expectations? Do I follow up on homework with the child and school? Do I trust-but-verify absence of homework is not simply “blowing-off” homework? Do I ask every day to see graded tests, homework, and school projects? In my absence does my spouse stand behind me by asking the same questions? Do I review school books and prepared tests to make sure information is accurate and fair? If there is a problem on any one home work assignment or test do I immediately take action? Have I attended parent-teacher conferences? Are my expectations fair and reasonable? Do I over-respond to fluctuations in school performance?

Building of expectations is my point. Parents, who take the time, are consistent and properly build expectations rarely need to talk about consequences. Consequences should be consistent, fair, and if appropriate, agreed by both parents and teenagers. Expectations, when fair and reasonable go a long way to helping your children succeed.

Once you have evaluated yourself as a parent it is time to get to the real meat of the matter.  Teenagers are notoriously smarter than everyone in the whole world, at least from their perspective.  This is why evaluating yourself as a parent is done first as you will have the confidence to believe you are neither dumb nor insane when dealing with your teenager. Teenagers, generally speaking, are unable to see things from a parent’s point of view because they have never been parents. Therefore, working with your children from the teen perspective is more effective. 

Before you can work within the teen perspective you will need to evaluate your teenager. Ask yourself these questions. Is my child capable of success in the failing topic? Do any road blocks to success exist? Are there any educational learning difficulties now surfacing? Is the problem more social or communication related? What distractions exist? Is the failure really lack of effort or is something else really going on? Does your child have the support of friends in school? Is it possible drugs or alcohol are having an impact?

The point is; if you have covered all the bases with your own evaluation you are most likely left with these questions.  Asking these types of questions will help you begin to understand the teen perspective. Understanding is the root of resolution.

The question above “capability to succeed” is very important.  Not all children have the aptitude to succeed in every subject presented to them.  Expecting your teenager to pass a subject in which they clearly are incapable, is very high expectations.  This problem requires change implemented through cooperative work with the school and teachers to enroll the student into appropriate subjects.

So, to sum it up, get involved, stay involved, understand yourself, understand your teenager, understand your teenager’s educational environment, and work from the teenager’s perspective. Work together and achieve mutually agreeable expectations, solutions, and consequences. Teenagers who believe they have arrived at their own solution will succeed.  Obviously, as a parent, you are the person really helping them arrive at a solution. However, teenagers are notoriously smarter than everyone in the whole world so keep your parent-guided solutions under wraps until their educational journey is complete. Only then, will you once again be a truly amazing parent and the hero to your children you once were… at least from their perspective once they have their own teenagers and find themselves wondering how dumb and insane they really are. …. Patience is key.