Simon first noticed the cockroach when he went to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. He moved slowly, circling the bug, trying not to alarm it. He’d seen a few other cockroaches in his apartment and, despite his best efforts to cull the herd, he seemed to be witnessing a cockroach population explosion.
The cockroach made a few tentative steps, jerky movements as if it were testing Simon – has he seen it yet? Simon reached slowly for a magazine that was folded up on the top of the fridge, it was his favourite method of roach removal. He raised the magazine, and brought it down right where the cockroach was, unfortunately, where the cockroach was when he had first raised the magazine to strike. The pesky bug had moved in those few seconds and was now scurrying into a corner of the counter, seeking safety as fast as it could run. Simon swiped the salt and pepper shakers aside, snatched his beer mug and placed it on the stove without ever letting his eyes leave the cockroach for a second. This bug was his, he was gonna get the damn thing no matter what. The cockroach scuttled to the far end of the counter, Simon knew he had it trapped, there was simply nowhere for it to go. He grabbed the tea towel hanging on the oven door handle and put it in place to block any avenue of escape. Gripping the rolled up magazine, he raised it to strike the final blow and rid his apartment of one more roach.

“Wait! Please!” Simon looked at the cockroach and said “Why? You’re in my apartment and I pay the rent here. You’re not just a cockroach, you’re a squatter, a trespasser!” “I know you pay the rent, but don’t I have a right to a place to live too?!?!” pleaded the cockroach, waving its antennae nervously at the magazine in Simon’s hand. Simon kept the magazine raised like a Sword of Damocles over the insect. “Can’t you go live in someone else’s apartment?” he asked the cockroach. “I suppose I could, but you keep dropping crumbs of food and leaving little pools of water in your place, so I come here, for the good eats!” the roach replied, hoping that a bit of humour would temper Simon’s obvious anger. “I know that you don’t like me, but you should see what you look like from down here! As a species, you humans leave a lot to be desired as far as looks go.” The cockroach sensed, as only cockroaches can sense, that Simon’s anger was abating and it pushed ahead. “How would you like it if a giant squashed you just because you were trying to get food and water and shelter? C’mon, you’d be as indignant as I am now! Do you know how many friends I’ve lost, not just in this apartment but in this whole building because of you “people”??? And yet you continue to hunt us down just because we seem different or dirty or whatever your reason is. Frankly, I’m disgusted with your behaviour and I think you owe an apology as well as a roof over our heads!”

Simon lowered the magazine slowly as he considered the cockroach’s words. There was some merit to the argument, he had to admit. But still, cockroaches are dirty and spread disease; they disgusted him, despite the friendly demeanour of this particular specimen.
“Look, you can’t stay here, it just won’t work!” he said to the cockroach, vaguely aware that his hand holding the rolled up magazine was now resting safely on the countertop. “How do I know that you won’t run through my food at night or shit in my cups? That’s how disease spreads, you know!” “I know”, said the roach reflectively, “but what if we reach an agreement, an accommodation of sorts?” “What do you have in mind?” asked Simon, a bit leery about trusting this cockroach, even though he secretly was starting to like the little fellow. “Well, I promise not to run across your food and I will not defecate in your cups or plates, you have my word on that.” “The word of a bug, never meant much to me”, grumbled Simon, more to keep up appearances and not let it look like he was caving in to the cockroach’s demands. “What more can any being offer than a word based on honour and truth?”, replied the cockroach. “And just what are you going to offer me in exchange, anyway?!?!”
“I already told you that I pay the rent here!” said Simon, raising both his voice and the magazine. “What are you going to contribute to the upkeep of this place? What about those eggs that you bugs are always laying all over the place? Do you think that I have enough crumbs to feed a horde of you roaches???” “What if I promise not to lay any eggs within a three apartment radius of this apartment?” asked the cockroach, carefully avoiding referring to the apartment as ‘your’ apartment. “Furthermore, I agree not to visit the hatchlings from the eggs I lay, so you won’t have to worry about a new gang cropping up.” If cockroaches could smile, this one would be grinning ear to ear, if they had ears.

Simon looked at the bug for a minute and then said, “Come into the living room and we’ll discuss this, maybe we can work something out.” “Fair enough!” replied the cockroach as he scurried after Simon into the living room of the small apartment. Simon sat on the couch and the cockroach climbed up the leg of the coffee table and settled on the smooth surface, waiting politely for Simon to have his say. Simon looked down at the bug, sighed and said, “Look, I’m not a bad guy, really, I just wish you would have told me that you were planning on scuttling around my apartment; we might have been able to work something out long before it came to this”, he gestured at the magazine which he had thrown on the couch beside him as if it were no longer needed. “I know and I apologize for not letting you know ahead of time, but that’s just how things are done, how they’ve always been done. If you were in my position, you’d have done exactly the same thing!” “Yeah, you’re probably right about that”, Simon replied. “But it just isn’t right to invade a man’s private space with all of your friends and offspring, it just isn’t fair!” “I’ll tell you what”, said the cockroach, doing his best to be both sincere and conciliatory, “I promise not to tell any of my friends about your apartment and if any of them ask, I’ll tell them that you have roach motels and bug powder all over the place, that oughta keep them away from here!” “Sounds reasonable”, said Simon, “you promise I won’t have any more ‘unexpected guests’?” “I can only give you my word as a cockroach of honour, I’ve never gone back on my word”, replied the roach. Simon sat back on the couch and regarded the cockroach, seeing him less as a threat and more as an ally, maybe even a friend. “Okay, you’ve got a deal!” he said, allowing himself a smile for the first time since he’d met the bug. “Sounds good to me and thanks for hearing me out!” replied the roach, “Just please remember to drop a few crumbs on the floor or counter and leave a few drops of water around for me, deal?” “Deal”, said Simon, feeling much more relaxed as he settled deeper into the couch.

A week or so later, Simon was watching TV as he saw the cockroach scurrying by on the floor. “How’s it going?” he asked. “Great, you left a big crumb of cake on the kitchen floor, I saw it earlier tonight, I’m just on my way to pick it up! Anything good on TV?” “Yeah, an old movie I haven’t seen in ages - y’know, they oughta play these classic movies more often, they’re a lot better than the shit that they crank out these days.” “I hear ya!” replied the roach as he hurried to pick up the cake crumb waiting for him on the kitchen floor. Amazing, thought Simon as he stretched out on the couch, I haven’t seen a cockroach in this damn apartment in weeks!