SBF Seeks Cute Picture

Alright so I’m bored on Friday night and decided to visit to a few dating websites just to see what’s out there and quite frankly, it scared the wu-ha out of me. What are you daters thinking?

Mr.2cool, don’t take a picture of yourself standing in front of your unmade bed with mixed match sheets, plain white walls (except the water damage stain in the ceiling) and a pile of dirty clothes on the floor, in the hopes of finding that special lady. Get a cleaning lady and then maybe we can talk.

LuvRMan, looking for a girl to kick it with? Based on the scowl on your mug and mean glare in your eye (your low cocked hat prevented me from seeing more than the one), I’d say you’re looking for a girl to go three rounds with. You’re probably a nice guy, and if we met under normal circumstances, you know at a bar, a club, anywhere live and in person, where your bad boy vibe would be tempered with an occasional smile, a sparkle in your eye (still rocking the hat) I’d probably fall hopelessly in love. But that picture you posted? I’m thinking about filing a restraining order.

MsSittingPretty! Your confident sexy pose says you are really feeling yourself and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Confidence is a mandatory asset in the dating game, as are nice, discreet undergarments. The exposed bra strap thing went out with Madonna, pre kids. Bra straps that are dingy and frayed were never in by the way.

Here’s a hint; if you can see it in a mirror, you can see it in a photo. That goes for cheap hair extentions, thong straps peeking out over jeans, pimples, deodorant clumps in underarm hair (you know who are CorvetteMan).

Think of posting your picture on a dating website like interviewing for a job. To whom it may concern, I am applying for the position as your significant other for a period of one night, one year, forever, whatever, doesn’t matter. The point is, on a job interview you’d put some effort into it. You’d put on clothes that fit. You’d put on some clothes period.

And ladies, you wouldn’t bring your kid on an interview, why are they in your photo? Yes, tell Mr. Wonderful upfront you have kids. Never lie about that. But he doesn’t need to see them. Not right away. It doesn’t make you less of a mother, just more of a woman. And on the safety tip--why post a picture of your innocent child on a site visited by all kinds of grown men? Some of them desperate. Some of them lonely. Some of them crazy as hell and on the site specifically to troll for women with daddy-less kids they’d have access to.

As for men who pose with their kids…well, while I’m not in support of it (the safety issue still applies), there is something kind of sweet/sexy about it. Double standard I know…

And finally just because you can take a picture with your cell phone doesn’t mean you should. Think of a camera phone like that box of Kraft Mac & Cheese hidden in your cupboard. It’s there only for emergencies. An earthquake or snowstorm finds you housebound and starving? Add warm water and grub. No one will think less of you for it. You’re at the airport and Brangelina strolls by? Pull out your phone and snap away.

You’re auditioning for a lover, possibly a spouse? I’m thinking a real camera might come in handy. A photographer besides yourself would be good, too. Even in this time of economic hardship having a professional picture taken is not out of the question. Go to Sears and put it on your credit card. Amortized over the twelve months your photo’s plastered over the three dating websites your profile is posted on, not to mention your MySpace page, it’s worth the expense. By the way, I know it’s called “MySpace”, the implication being you’re free to do whatever you want on it, but don’t. Use some discretion, some tact, some makeup.

And don’t spout that “I’m just keeping it real” line, keeping it lazy is more like it. It bears repeating, a little effort is necessary. If you can’t muster up enough energy to take a nice photo in order to make a good first impression, why should anyone muster up the energy to give you the chance to make a second?