I remember being younger and feeling and acting very carefree. I remember feeling distraught over the situation with my abusive father but knowing that if I could just live through my traumatic childhood, I hopefully had a long life ahead of me.

I recently turned the big 4-0. That's right, my carefree youth has all but deserted me, and I now wait to hand the baton to my children. I have flashbacks of certain aspects of my own youth as I watch my daughter flip her hair and play with makeup, or as I teach my son math. My favorite game as a child was "playing teacher." I would line up my stuffed animals on the floor, and I would write on this big chalkboard I had leaned on my bed with chalk as I pretended to teach class.

I actually love teaching. That is part of my job. So, in a way, I did fulfill much of my childhood aspirations in that way. On the other hand, I never quite realized the high hopes I'd had for love.

Three marriages and three children later (not from three fathers, though), I find myself separated and longingly observing other people who are in relationships. I don't miss the arguing, but I miss having someone to talk to and be partnered with. But that's okay, my time is coming. I had to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when I see him, I guess.

One thing that has held me back in more ways than I would like to admit is regret over past mistakes. There was one relationship in particular that has haunted me for far too long. Something happened recently which made me realize how much better off I am than I have realized. As heartbroken as I had been that it did not work out with this person, I know that I would never have been happy had I stayed in that relationship. The funny thing is that I set myself free from it years ago, but I never let go of it or him, until much later.

When I would look back, I would beat myself up over how I had acted in certain situations and how much of a heel I had been. But the fact of the matter is that even when nice people are put to the test, they act in ways that are not characteristic of their normal behavior. And when we are in the heat of the moment, the last thing on our mind is whether or not the words we are spewing or the things we are doing are going to hurt us or ring in our own ears for years to come.

Life is short. We really don't have time to waste in relationships that are not right for us. The dead giveaway is that sinking feeling we get when embroiled in an argument, scrambling for control of a deteriorating situation. The "control drama" is draining and unnecessary (you will find more about control dramas in James Redfield's "The Celestine Prophecy" and his subsequent books). It isn't until we are "connected" spiritually that we are able to have a healthy relationship with another person of the same or similar spiritual origin (or destination, whichever the case may be!).

It is more important than one would think that two people have similar belief systems. If you can't even connect on that very basic level, then there is no true communication or meeting of the minds. If you can't discuss the wonders of the universe and marvel at this thing called life together, you will constantly be poking at each other until someone cries "MERCY!!!!" And usually, no one wants to give the other person this "mercy," they just want to gain control.

At any rate, the sudden realization hit me today for the first time in years that I AM FREE, that I don't need this person's approval anymore. I never needed that to begin with. I need only to approve of myself and accept myself for who I am. If I work out, I do it for me. When I write, the release is for me. When I put on makeup, it is to feel good about myself. And I am free to do that.

I have good news and I have bad news:

The bad news is that we have lost the key to the door behind which the secret of life is hidden. The good news is that it was never locked.

--Swami Beyondananda

My ship comes in over an I don't care sea...

--Florence Scovel Shinn