I remember when I was a teenager (and even a preteen) I'd get asked the same stupid questions by my doctors no matter if I was in there for a snotty nose or a missing foot. They'd always ask if I wanted my mother to leave the room, as if they thought I was stupid enough to think my mother wouldn't know what they were asking me. Eventually I got really fed up and even offended by these questions. Any idiot on the street could see I could be easily out staged by a nun as far as being lascivious, drunk, and stoned was concerned. I just wasn't that kind of kid. In response to their imbecility I learned how to be smarmy and sarcastic - to the core. I never regretted this.

This question always pissed me off because my physician was the only guy I ever went to and he always had my entire medical record in his hands. If he were at all literate he could easily read if he'd prescribed me anything since the last visit. So I answered in my driest monotone, with my most serious expression, "I don't know." The guy was such an idiot he had no idea this was a joke and started to fidget around nervously remarking, "Well you should really know if you're on something. Unless someone's mashing it up in your potatoes you should remember taking something." At this point my mother jumped in (which was a shame, I was enjoying the show.) "She's not on anything!" Sure, ruin all my fun.

This was actually my main physician's favorite question to ask preteens. I suppose it was his own form of DARE. I sat quietly on that retarded roll of paper on the medical chair, looked straight at him, and apathetically quipped, "I don't know. Eight?" Even at twelve I knew very well this was not the answer he was fishing for. Again he replied with twitchy consternation. "No, the right amount is zero. Zeeero." and he held up his hand in the shape of a little 0. What a 'tard was all that my preteen brain could think. I restrained a smile at his expense.

This question can get you into a lot of sticky situations if you're sarcastic about it. This never stopped me. Here are some classic answers.

"Only the ones you prescribe me." (Some physicians will gasp in horror you don't know the difference between prescriptions and illegal substances.)

"I don't do drugs, I just use them for divinations. You know like tea leaves." (This answer is best used on older doctors and accompanied by a wink.)

"Well I am in your office... what do you think?" (This between the lines diss is a keeper in my book.)

"No, I don't do drugs. I just watch other people smoke them in air tight rooms."

"Not intentionally!" (This will make the doctor's head want to explode. He won't know what to ask next.)

"Is crack a drug? What about a whole bottle of grape cough syrup....? Drain-o?" (after listing off every drug you can think of you should intermittently just add random nouns. "Peanut butter? Dish soap? Toilet paper?" Make him work for his fees. The dumber ones could go on for hours like this.

This is the biggest and most popular question of all. After all, the first line of every medical text book is, "No matter what a female preteen or teenager comes in for - the answer is she must be pregnant." It's a little known secret of the trade. This was the one I was most offended by and hence, answered the worst.

"Yes. It was an immaculate conception." Make sure to rub your stomach and seem genuine when speaking. Watch as the doctor fidgets about trying to remember what the words immaculate conception mean (you'd be horrified to learn most of them have no idea.) If the silence continues too long start adding to the story. "It was a halo of light from the heavens. It's a boy and I'm naming it Jesus."

"I don't know. I tend to black out a lot. Particularly after I'm out with my friends not doing drugs."

"Well... I was abducted by aliens last week..."

"How dare you ask an impressionable teenage girl if she's pregnant? Don't we already have a bad enough body image?!" (Say this in your best overly dramatic pissed teenage tone.)

For this next one put on your most infantile amazed expression and say, "How did you know?" Try not to laugh until after he tries to answer.

Of course another great one is just asking questions back - absurd questions. "Can you get pregnant in a pond? How about a hot tub? What if I jump up and down after sex? You mean the squatting and sneezing thing is a lie? What if I stop eating and run like four miles? Won't that like jiggle it out and starve it or something? Can a baby grow in my stomach after oral?" The crazier the better. Make up crap the poor physician's never heard of.

All this being said please use my words with caution. Do make sure that in the end the doctor does know you're joking or else you may find yourself in some really sticky situations (being committed to the loony bin or rehab for example.) And also remember that in twelve years of medical school there were no courses on humor. Have fun my dears and make sure to demand a sucker out of the experience (for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to have grandparents I'll digress "sucker" is another word for lollipop.)