Say No To Camel Toe & Other Fashion Travel Tips
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Going Back to Cali? Read this first.
Well, Spring has sprung, and so has my least favorite fashion season. It's time to ditch the safety of chunky sweaters and faded levis for more revealing summer shifts, strappy sandals, and tanks. We can all use some help in this transition period of early-to-late Spring. Especially (I am sorry to say it) a lot of you tourists.
Since I live in the heart of Sunny Southern California, I am subject to some of the nations worst Spring fashion faux pas. Being a season passholder to Disneyland, I see a lot of things I wish I hadn't. So, for those of you preparing to pack your most stylish spring duds to travel to Southern California, please allow me to offer a few fashion pointers.
1. The Camel Toe Has Got to Go.
I don't care if bermuda shorts are in again this season (lord, I wish they were not, but I've seen them in the stores). DO NOT under any circumstances, wear shorts that ride and divide. I am not kidding, ladies. Not only does this look unflattering, it can cause chafing and lead to UTI's. (I am sure I could find scientific evidence to back this up,but I have a lot to do this morning). Just get the bigger size, or buy another style altogether.
2. Birkenstocks are for Lesbians and Male Professors Living in the Pacific Northwest.
I don't care if you have to walk Disneyland for five straight days, you can find something else to wear. There are plenty of cute tennis shoe options (live on the edge - get yourself a cute little pair of Skechers!). Birkenstocks are gross. Don't give me some crap about foot health. No man ever looked at another man's wife who was sporting Birks. Believe me. If you are a lesbian or a Male Professor teaching at U Dub, walk on. These were designed by and for you, so by all means, do what you gotta.
3. Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should.
This rule has been beat down, kicked around, broken, and abused. It's been whipped, slapped, and attacked time and again, and still it bears repeating. Honey, just because you CAN wear your 16 year old daughter's micro-mini, please, please do not. It's not age appropriate, and it looks ridiculous. If you have to squeeze, huff, puff, pack, push, or shove your ass, hips, thighs, or mid section into a garment, make another choice. Please.
4. Still Own a Fanny Pack? Really??
I don't even know what else to say. The only exception is in the picture I've included, and that's probably not very appropriate, either. Also, if you're a cop and you have to pack heat, you're excused from this, but know it still looks ridiculous.
Is that a camel toe AND a fanny pack????
5. No Matching Group Tee Shirts (Moooooooooooo)
In these lean economic times, save yourself the time and money. Please. Do not go out and order bright neon orange matching family tee shirts reading "Markowski Family FunFest, 2009!!" or whatever. These look ridiculous, and when you roam around together wearing them, you tend to look more like a herd than a family. Sidenote: look at your 13 year old daughter. She looks miserable. Don't do that to her, it's embarrassing. Let her wear her Jonas Brother's concert tee and be done with it.
6. "Jean" and "Short." 2 Words That Don't Belong Together.
I don't know who the hell invented the jean short, but he or she should be drawn and quartered in the middle of Disneyland's Main Street. Come to think of it, anyone sporting these should be made to ride "Its a Small World" for 8 hours straight as a special form of punishment. These are equally ugly on men (why so long? If you need below-the-knee-short coverage, just go ahead and wear pants!) and women (Daisy Dukes only look good on Jessica Simpson, and chances are you're not Jess). Please, don't.
7. Little Lauren Isn't A Labradoodle. Leave the Leash Behind.
I am aware that Disneyland (and Southern California) are big places, but please rethink this. Look around. Are the majority of children on leashes? No. They aren't. And they and their parents manage to navigate the happiest place on earth without incident. If you're a nervous nelly, and absolutely insist on this, please don't try to fool your kid by using the stuffed-animal leash. This is especially cruel. Aww! You are carrying your cuddly puppy buddy around on your back. . .want to hug him? Go ahead. Try. Whoops! You're going in a circle! Try again. Whoops! Now you're getting dizzy! It's mean, and these kids always look a little bit sad.
8. Don't Be a Hollywood Square
In other words, if you're still in So Cal, strolling Santa Monica Pier, don't wear a sweatshirt that says "Hollywood, California!!" in glitterscript. It screams tourist, and looks a little dorky. No one cares that you went to Graumen's Chinese Theater yesterday. Just save it, and wear it back home.
9. Well-Heeled Means No Socks with Strappy Wedge Sandals.
Sooo popular among the over-30-mom-tourist set, and I don't know why.
If blister prevention is your reason for socks with sandals, just wear athletic shoes. If you think it's a fashion statement, you're stating the wrong thing. You're actually stating "These are my brand new 'vacation sandals' aren't they cute? I bought them to bring with me on the trip." The above-mentioned sandals are bad enough without socks. Please don't make a bad fashion choice worse. Better yet, invest in some flip flops (Reef, Roxy, Havaiana) and look cute as a local surfer girl.
10. Prevent Noise Pollution: Ixnay the 2-Ways
No one else wants to hear that you and your lovely wife are planning to grab nachos in 20 minutes, after you hit the head. It's obnoxious. Try texting or calling instead. The shrill screechy beep and ensuing "yell" into the "2-way" are bad enough, but then you clip the "2-way" onto your belt into an ugly black plastic holster, qualifying this "accessory" as #10 in a list of fashion don'ts. Unless you are an emergency room doctor or an officer of the law, there really shouldn't be anything clipped to your belt on a day out with your family.
Caveat:
Before I receive hate mail about the state of the economy and how "snooty Southern California" is lucky to receive any tourists at all in this downtrodden economy, regardless of what they are wearing, let me say this: we do appreciate your visit. It's just that we need to keep California beautiful for all to enjoy, and that includes those of us who live here and suffer bad fashion imports every spring and summer.
If you are looking for substance, perhaps a trip to the Smithsonian in D.C. would be more your family's speed, No one cares what you wear to check out the Spirit of St. Louis. But you know that's not nearly as fun as what we've got going on out here. Besides, the Japanese tourists usually manage to get it right, (you GO with your cute L.A.M.B. jumpsuit, and frameless black out shades, Kyoko!). Maybe its the duty free shopping. Anyway.
Please keep the above mentioned suggestions in mind as you pack your bags this spring. Welcome to Southern California!
And remember to keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times.
Thank you.
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Comments
NewsFlash: MH's fashion tips ALSO apply to Las Vegas! (I used to live there, I can say this.) Please DO NOT wear your Budweiser-logo shirt, shorts, hat, socks *and* deck shoes if your wife is wearing a black evening skirt, white ruffled blouse and fake diamond earrings that stop right her boobs should be. The camera around your neck tags you as T-O-U-R-I-S-T-S.
btw, I wore Birks for years. Most comfortable sandals I ever had. Gave 'em up for Crocs. Didn't see Crocs in your no-no list, so it'll be safe to wear 'em on my next - uh, first - trip to DisLand? ???
**Veritas**
Thanks for reading. Beach hub is a very good idea, for sure! One of my biggest pet peeve is full dress clothes at the beach. Slacks, button down shirt, dress shoes. Whaaa?
**Jama**
Vegas is one of my favorite places to people watch. What a melting pot that is. In fact, I can just sit in a casino lobby for hours, sipping a coffee, watching the world go by. I've seen all the people that you mentioned, and then some :-)
As for the crocs, you're one of my favorite hubbers, so you get a pass. My husband and kids swear by them. I just can't go there. :-)
roflmao! This is fantastic. I have to agree with JamaGenee on the comfort of the Birks, but mine are long gone. Fantastic laugh this afternoon. Everyone needs to read this. This is a definite e-mailer. Agh!
MH - Unfortunately I hate to say it but this is a nationwide epidemic. The leash thing kills me I actually saw a kid break loose while mom was holding the other end of the leash and she was taken down in a matter of moments. I hated to laugh but just had to. I never understood the leash thing ever but that is just me. Great call on all!!
My favorite people-watching spot was sitting at the front bar of Binion's (downtown). That's where I saw Bud Man and the Wife in her version of evening clothes. Both mid-50s, probably been saving for this trip for years. Both thought nobody would ever figure out they were tourists. The only reason I'll never forget them is because every - and I do mean *every* - piece of his clothing you could see was covered in the Bud logo! Then the wife in those fake chandelier earrings, hair teased and sprayed solid back in Iowa 2 days before they left. What a pair!
Thanks for the pass on the Crocs. You're one of my favorite hubbers too, so I won't try to convert ya! :}
How long as the term "camel toe" been in use? I had never heard the term until about 3-4 years ago. Obviously, the phenomenon has been around forever, but who decided to call it that (I see the resemblence) and when?
Crocs are so dang comfy......but really not that attractive. I'm guilty of wearing them.
No crocs for me I don't like them. They just look like huge plastic boats on people's feet and doesn't plastic shoes make your feet smelly? And then, I do have Birks I bought in Thailand! Best shoes if your feet swell in the heat!
MotherHubber
I think that South Coast Plaza would be a great place because of the diversity of the shops.
The low end Sears the High end and some in between. It is a cross between Fashion Island and the Orange Mall.
Years ago I was fascinated by the men coming out of Nordstroms, wearing a sweater draped and crossed over their shirt.
I referred to them as dressed by their women.
BTW, shorts for men, not a great idea. Even though Charlie Sheen has made it popular on his two and a half men show. It really doesn't look that great on the majority of the men that wear them. Outside of tennis shorts for men, when they leave the tennis court put on some slacks.Magnum PI had the right kind of shorts for a man. I can't really think of anyone else?
This is so dang funny! My fabulous fashionista Ms. Stacey was equally adamant about the cameltoes! God I miss that gal and her towering Manolos and red-soled Louboutins in the office. She added that certain lagniappe to a now dreary existence! We get these turistas in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area and it's fun to watch. I've probably been guilty of a couple of these, but I'm improving as I go along!
sometimes a little camel toe is nice
Okay, I'll admit. I tried the puppy dog leash on our last Disneyland trip. My son (should have named him McGyver) used the fact that my attention was focused on paying the $50 for a hot dog to slither out of it and hook it to the stroller. He was 2 at the time! I threw the stupid thing in the trash as soon as I caught up with him. I thought since I was there with all three kids and without my husband, it'd be helpful. HA!!!!
And I wear crocs--but never in public!!
Other than that, I think I'm clear to visit again.
thank you funny hub to read to take mind off other things. I'd never heard "camel toe" -- perfect description: yuk
I think these fashion tips apply to any tourist destination. I live in Florida, and have seen my share of scary tourist fashion nightmares!!! I could do a whole hub on the scary sights I saw at Bike Week in Daytona this year!!!
Can we do something about the black dress socks paired with sneakers too, jeez!
LOL this list should be given to tourist when they book their holidays :)
It is amazing how you can spot from a mile an American tourist in Paris. I wonder if you can spot Europeans in America?
Molly.... you are so bad that you are soooooooooo good. You have a way with words that is for sure.
What is the male equivalent of the camel toe?
I realize that one is concave and the other is convex but what do you call it?
Wonderful hub!
I'd expand your "camel toe" thang, though. Clothes which are too tight should stay in your chest of drawers until you lose weight. A T-shirt 2 sizes too small and clinging to love handles isn't nice either.
Thanks, everyone, for the comments! I'm sorry I'm a little late in responding - it's been a bit of a petrie dish around here, with 3 pinkeyed kids, a case of bronchitis, and a sinus infection. Now who wants to come to my house for dinner? LOL
So glad I am not catching too much hell for this hub. :-) I wasn't sure who would be offended, but it seems that no matter where you live, tourists all break the same rules. So this begs the question, where are these people coming from? Do they all live together on an island somewhere. . .maybe it's Tourista Island? Do they all wear black socks and walk slowly in front of locals, and wear photo equipment and fail to tip their waitresses? Or maybe they are really aliens, come down from another planet to observe us and document us (that would explain the cameras)? I think I have the makings of a short story here. . .LOL
Again, thanks to all who commented. . .remember to say no to camel toe!
~mh
PS Veritas: Very good point about the male equivalent. We are writers, I think we should coin a term! You go first.
Haha, I'm from So Cal and couldn't agree more! You might want to mention that those from not-so-sunny states should lay on the sunscreen as tourists are also immediately recognizable by their awful sunburns. Try some tan-in-a-can before you come.
MH
banana split
your turn
OMG! I think I wet my pants from laughing so hard. I love it! =]
One of my favorite songs!" Is your crotch hungry girl cuz it's eatin' your pants" ha-larious!
As someone who lives in a New England Coastal Community that is inundated with tourists every summer, THANK YOU! ahahaha I love this. We don't have tourists dressed this extreme, but a few of the topics definitely apply here.
Also, as I read this article I could think of many instances of folks dressed exactly like your given examples on my last trip to Disney! Love it!
**Veritas** There is no damn way I can beat that! AWESOME! That is a term that is going to stick. :-)
**Oxemity** Readers wetting their pants is my ultimate goal! I am so glad I was able to do that for ya! LOL
**Jessabelle** Whoever wrote those lyrics is a far better writer than I am! LMAO. What song is that??? Sounds like it needs to go on my iPod.
**Girly** So it happens on the East Coast as well? Oh, dear. Where are these people coming from? Where is it okay to dress this way??????? I need to know so that I don't accidentally book a trip there, and if I do need to travel there, I will need to drive directly to WalMart to purchase an entire wardrobe, one size too small. Thanks for reading!
~mh
MH You got it, now the question, is camel toe and BS treated the same by people. If you get a common response when camel toe is mentioned would BS get a similar or different reaction.
Hilarious! If only everyone could read your tips, the world would be a much more beautiful place!
LOL...Great hub....I saw an elephant toe the other day! :)
The world will be a boring place without Camel Toe.
great hubpage
I love it! Thanks for putting this out there! Hopefully those who dress like this will see it! To me you should always dress were the clothing fits PROPERLY! If you are at home and want to dress like that, fine, but in public dress properly. Clothing should be good fitting, neat, and appropriate for the occasion. Oh, and stop all this “in your face crap”. I don’t want to see the thongs, plumbers but, or some idiot that is so stupid that when he dresses himself he forgets he has a 30” waist and wears a size 40 baggy shorts and has to walk around holding up his shorts while he has his boxers shorts up to his neck! You keep putting this out there maybe some of these people will realize that they really do not look that cool!
we sometimes go to disneyland just to look at the fashions. it's an entertaining way to spend an afternoon.
very good as all of your posts have been.
but this was my favorite of yours. You are so right on the 2way radios, so rude and they are everywhere that you might vacation. Even cruise ships at dinner.
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issues veritas says:
8 months ago
Very funny ;)
I can't wait for you to do a Mall or Beach attire hub.