11-6-2009

It was a typical Friday morning, my seven year old had dragged her little body to the sink and eventually dressed, brushed her teeth poorly, and ate some breakfast. Life was normal, still is,

Thank God.

As much as I complain about my life there is one word that has the potential to take away everything that makes the suckiness worth living.

"LOCKDOWN"

I remember the day we took her to that very school, she was four and we were at the high school she will someday attend, or at least, a building right next door to it.

We were waiting for our turn as other little ones were being measured and taking little "tests" while parents filled out forms and too small siblings played with toys in the corner. We were there to see if our little girl had 'what it takes' to enter school, (of course she does - she's perfect, except that messy room and tangles in the hair and hating rules already).

I happened to look out into the hallway at a passing form when something on the wall next to the door caught my attention. It was a brightly colored piece of paper, neon green maybe, I don't recall the color very well but the words on it sent chills across my entire face and body. In capital letters and bold print were the words

LOCK DOWN.

"Columbine High School," more shivers, I'm not always up on dates of news stories but that one sticks for it's own reason as well as the fact that it was the third anniversary of the first date I had with my husband.

LOCK DOWN

My heart contemplated the words.

While I prepared to send my child off to school

- thank goodness -

we still had preschool as a buffer zone,

(but then again there was the Oklahoma City bombing

on April 19, 1995 where a daycare was obliterated).

I live in Minnesota where we already have two of these very real, very sad situations under our collective-tragedy belt. On September 24, 2003, only a few hundred miles from my home near Cold Spring, Minnesota, a young teen took the lives of two others. They had teased him to such a degree that this young man was driven, possessed somehow, to the point where he believed he had the right to shoot them. I vowed then not to remember his name but, I remember the pain and anger I felt that he'd done that, killed two "children" though they were nearing graduation, they were merely children of this world. At the same time I remember thinking, how sad that this one boy had been made to feel so inferior by bullies that his only escape was to kill someone.

Just as the fear of such thing had been seemingly managed by "procedure and preparedness" another teen close to the Minnesota/ Canada border in Red Lake, MN, killed another hand full of teens on March 22, 2005. Just about a year prior to me sitting in that classroom staring at that laminated sign.

It was even laminated to protect it.

So, this past Friday morning after we managed teeth and hair and cereal, we sent our little sweet rule-grumbling 1st grader out the door so she wouldn't be late for the bus. (We get a three minute warning as the bus passes our house and returns with the door on our side of the road - please don't even get me started on school bus tragedies, we've had enough of those around here as well). So, anyway, this day she was out there early - Indian Summer in November.

And we waited . . .

the bus didn't come . . . a neighbor drove by and waved at her . . . it was time to check on the bus, it was only late once last year . . . "maybe it broke down again." Just then the phone rang.

caller I.d. was telling me it was her school, so I picked up the phone and after a slight pause the voice and name of the superintendent of our district came on with a cautionary briefing that the the High School along with three other school buildings in our district were in . . .

"LOCKDOWN mode."

My heart skipped a beat. I tried not to let on to my concern as I called her back in, "School will start late today, Honey." That was what the recording said, "One hour, precautionary delay due to the fact that an unidentified man was wondering around the High School at 6:45 a.m."

"All other schools will be delayed," my voice even cracked while I whispered to my husband what was happening.

She of course was elated, "Yeah, I get to watch cartoons before I go."

I smiled, she was in her own little heaven for an hour. I did my motherly duty and sent her back out an hour later as I stared at the phone . . .

it rang . . . wow.

The all clear came across the line and in two subsequent emails from our principal.

We were safe . . . for now.

My hands shake now as I sit here fighting back the tears of motherly fear just a day later.

My husband and I concur on few things, most of them have to do with the kids. We'd sent her out with a note that she would be absent the following Monday, for other reasons but, we both had the instinct to keep her home that day. Though the High School is twenty miles away from her elementary school and we were sure that was enough distance - for now. Where had that suspicious person gone? and who other than a teacher, cook or custodian, enters a school at 6:45 a.m? And, twenty miles is going to be a hundred years away when her school bus takes her there in a blink of an eye. We still wonder if bringing a child into this world is fair. We have two of them and every parent knows, they can take your breath away for so many reasons. No one wants to lose them once they're here and though they can make you want to pull your hair out when you're frustrated with them, you'd pull it out for them if you had too.

LOCKDOWN

can we put our kids in a lock down continuum until we're in a nursing home . . .