One scotch is not enough, two is too many, and three is not enough again!

This site is a toast to the finest drink and the best truth serum in the world.

Scotch Whiskies

Single Malts by Region

Single malt scotch flavors are influenced by their origins, much like wine.

The region (highlands, lowlands, or islay of Scotland), distillery, soil, water, barley, fermentation, distillation, wood cask and the maturing (aging) process all play a role in pronouncing a distinct flavor profile unique to it alone.

These differences in each "Label" make for an interesting exploration of spirits and scottish pride in a complex craft practiced since the early 1400's.

Lowlands

Glenkinchie

Highlands

Balvenie 12 yr

Scotch Blends

Dewars

The Scotch Whiskey Association

Scotch Malt Whiskey Society

Why are so many Scottish churches circular?

So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?

Sandy MacTavish is walking home with too much to drink, finally he decides to lie down by the side of the road for a wee sleep. In the morning a fellow Scot is walking down the same road with a live chicken under his arm. The chicken is squawking and wings a flapping. Sandy awakes to the noise, rubs his eyes and says that it brings a tear to his eye when he hears the pipes.

Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. " Thanks for the vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

There are two things a Scot likes naked.

One of them is malt whisky!

Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.

Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "

Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."

Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."

Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? "

Little Sandy: " A teacher."

Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."

" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England.

Sandy: " Please whisper those three little words that will make me walk on air."

Girl: " Go hang yourself! "

Sandy: " Will you marry me ? "

Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "

What's the difference between a tightrope and a Scotsman ? A tightrope sometimes gives.

McTavish was traveling by rail in America. He asked the railway clerk for a ticket to Springfield. " Which Springfield, mister ? " asked the clerk. " Missouri, Ohio, or Massachusetts ? "

" Which is cheapest ? "

Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "

Johnny Walker

Blended Scotch Whisky

The heritage of Johnnie Walker whiskies dates to 1820 when John Walker opened a small shop in Kilmarnock in Scotland and began selling Scotch Whisky. John Walker made a name for himself by mastering the art of blending single malt whiskies from distilleries all across Scotland to create a very high quality whisky, much better than each of the single malt whisky. Alexander Walker first introduced the iconic square bottle in 1870. The other identifying characteristic of the bottle is the label, which is applied at an angle of 24 degrees.

Johnnie Walker Red Label

Johnnie Walker Red Label - The number one selling Scotch Whisky in the world! Your recipient will appreciate its mix ability with soda and in a variety of other classic Scotch cocktails.

Johnnie Walker Black Label 12 year old

Gold Medal Award Winner for the best deluxe Scotch Whisky at the 1996 International Wine & Spirits competition. Renowned for its complex, full-bodied taste and smooth finish.

Johnnie Walker Green Finally available in the United States! Johnnie Walker Green Label differs from its multicolored brethren in that it is a vatted malt containing only single malt scotches. This is a must have for any fan of Johnnie Walker.

Johnnie Walker Gold Label 18 year old Created in 1920 by Alexander Walker II to commemorate the 100th anniversary of John Walker & Sons. Blended with the rarest single malts to provide an exceptional honeyed, creamy flavor and long, silky finish.

Johnnie Walker Blue Label

Authentic re-creation of an original 19th century blend available only to John Walker's most valued customers. Available in very limited quantities each bottle has its own serial number.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand

on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first

three pennies?"

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced

clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram.

"There's no risk of you starting now!"

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says

"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"

He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,

"Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"

Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,

"How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. “Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?” he asked. To which the barman replied, “They're waiting for the Happy Hour”.

A farmer’s wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. “Weel, mistress,” said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, “It's very small for its age.”

The accountant ordered a pint of beer and the barman pushed it across to him. “Do you think you could get a nip of whisky in that?” asked the accountant. “Certainly, sir,” said the barman. “In that case,” said the accountant, “perhaps you would just top it up with beer?”

“Alcohol is your trouble,” said the sheriff to the drunk. “Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament.” The drunk looked pleased as he said “Yer lairdship’s maist kind. A’body else says it’s ma ain fault!”

Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, “I can’t really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink.” Willie said, understandingly, “Ach, that's all right doctor. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

When a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old custom to offer him a wee drink.

“Would you like a wee dram,” the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. “A wouldna’ say No,” he replied.

The lady produced the bottle. “How do you like it, Sandy?” she asked.

He replied: “Half whisky and half water. An’ pit in plenty o’ water.”

The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other:

“John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye’ll see twa cabs. Tak’ the first yin — t’ither ane’s no’ there! ”

Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident.

“What sort of accident?” asked the barman. “Terrible,” said Sandy. “I knocked one over with my elbow.”

History

The distillery was founded in 1824 by George Smith. It was not the first licensed distillery in Scotland: many distilleries such as Ardbeg, Lagavulin and Royal Brackla were founded earlier (see Craig, 1994, p480 for list of Scotch whisky distilleries' foundation dates). The current distillery was built in 1858 at Minmore, near where the rivers Avon and Livet meet. In 1884, the Smiths won exclusive rights to the name The Glenlivet, enabling them to protect their trademark against encroachment by other, lesser quality whiskies.

The whisky originates in the Glen of the Livet, and two other distillers, Tamnavulin and Braeval, are also in the area, with the latter also owned by Pernod. In the Avon valley, the Tomintoul distillery also uses the term "Glenlivet" on its label. The nearest town to the Livet glen is Tomintoul, Scotland, which is approximately ten miles (16 kilometres) south.

In 1977 the distillery was purchased by the North American alcohol giant Seagram, which has heavily promoted it in the American market; it is now the most widely sold single malt Scotch in the USA.

In 1827 James Hogg said of the whisky:

Here’s to a guy who is never blue

Here’s to a buddy who is ever true

Here’s to a pal, no matter what the load

Never declines one for the road

--- Anonymous

Here’s champagne to our real friends

And real pain to our sham friends.

--- Francis Bacon

A round to the best

May we never get less

A round to the worst

May they die of thirst.

--- Scottish

‘Tis better to buy a small bouquet

And give to your friend this very day

Than a bushel of roses white and red

To lay on his coffin after he’s dead.

--- Irish

Here’s to the man who takes the pledge

Who keeps his word and does not hedge

Who won’t give up and won’t give in

Till the last man’s out and there’s no more gin.

--- Irish

Here’s hoping you live forever

And mine is the last voice you hear.

--- Willard Scott

Better a well known drunkard

Than an anonymous alcoholic.

--- Spanish

I used to know a clever toast

But now I cannot think it

So fill your glass to anything

And damn your souls, I’ll drink it!

--- Wallace Irwin

Work like you don’t need the money

Love like you’ve never been hurt

Dance like no-one is watching

Screw like it’s being filmed

And drink like a true Irishman.

--- Anonymous

To the rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure

Of drinking at somebody else’s expense.

--- Henry Sambrooke Leigh

Drink, for you know not when you came nor why

Drink, for you know not why you go nor whence.

--- Omar Khayyam

He who makes a beast of himself

Gets rid of the pain of being a man.

--- Samuel Johnson

I love to sing and I love to drink

But most people like to hear me drink.

--- George Burns

Here’s to doing and drinking,

Not sitting and thinking.

--- Anonymous

Here’s to steak when you’re hungry

Whiskey when you’re dry

A lover when you need one

And Heaven when you die.

--- Irish

May you never go to hell

But always be on your way.

--- Yiddish

May the Devil make a ladder of your backbone

While he is picking apples in the garden of Hell.

--- Irish

May you be in Heaven an hour before

The Devil knows you’re dead.

--- Irish

Sing a song of sick gents

Pockets full of rye

Four and twenty highballs

We wish that we might die.

--- Anonymous

Let us have wine and women

Mirth and laughter

Sermons and soda-water

The day after.

--- Lord Byron

Life is a banquet and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death.

--- Patrick Dennis

When you’re bleeding in the sand

Don’t let your courage fade

When life deals you a bad hand

Throw hand grenades.

--- Pre D-Day Toast

In my own country

I am in a faraway land

I am strong

Yet have no force or power

I win all

Yet remain a loser

At break of day

I say good night

When I lie down

I have a great fear of falling.

--- Francois Villon

Here’s to whiskey, scotch and rye

Amber, smooth, and clear

Not as sweet as a woman’s lips

But a damn sight more sincere.

--- Anonymous

Here’s to a long life and a merry one

A quick death and an easy one

A pretty girl and an honest one

A cold drink—and another one.

--- Irish

No matter how beautiful

Smart and full of class

To somebody, somewhere

S she’s a major pain in the ass.

--- Anonymous

No one frolics

Like we alcoholics.

--- Anonymous

People talk about our drinking

But never about our thirst.

--- Scottish

With this glass, rich and deep

We cradle all our sorrows to sleep.

--- Anonymous

Here’s to those who wish us well

As for the rest, they can go to Hell.

--- Anonymous

Let us drink with impunity

Or anyone else who’s buying.

--- W.C. Fields

What shall we drink to?

To four in the morning!

--- Anonymous

While we live

Let’s live.

--- Italian

When the going gets weird

The weird turn pro.

--- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Drinks are on the house

So someone get a ladder.

--- Anonymous

Lift ‘em high and drain ‘em dry

To the guy who says, “My turn to buy!”

--- Anonymous

Success to the lover

Honor to the brave

Health to the sick

And freedom to the slave.

--- English

Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy

But enough about me, here’s to you.

--- Anonymous

Drink today and drown all sorrow

You shall perhaps not do it tomorrow

Best while you have it, use your breath

There is no drinking after death.

--- Francis Beaumont & John Fletcher

More Quotes

One more drink and I'd be under the host.

--- Dorothy Parker

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.

--- "A Wolverine Is Eating My Leg"

I would rather commit adultery than drink a glass of beer.

--- Lady Astor, social reformist

Who wouldn't?

--- A voice from the crowd

People who drink "light" beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

--- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

A "good" beer is one that sells! You may think it sucks, but if the market embraces it, so be it. Now a "great" beer or world-class beer is another matter...

--- Jim Busch

Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!

--- Bill Owen

Why, if 'tis dancing you would be,

There's brisker pipes than poetry.

Say, for what were hop-yards meant,

Or why was Burton built on Trent?

Oh many a peer of England brews

Livelier liquor than the Muse,

And malt does more than Milton can

To justify God's ways to man.

Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink

For fellows whom it hurts to think:

Look into the pewter pot

To see the world as the world's not.

--- A.E. Housman

Why is there so much wine left at the end of my money?

--- Milan Maximovich

Fill with mingled cream and amber,

I will drain that glass again.

Such hilarious visions clamber

Through the chamber of my brain.

Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies

Come to life and fade away.

What I care how time advances;

I am drinking ale today.

--- Edgar Allen Poe

Wine comes in at the mouth

And love comes in at the eye;

That's all that we will know for truth

Before we grow old and die.

I lift the glass to my mouth,

I look at you and I sigh.

--- William Butler Yeats

Beer is made by men, wine by God!

--- Martin Luther

I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society, except that which makes the road safer, the beer stronger, old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.

--- Irish novelist Brendan Behan

I love to drink martinis.

Two at the very most.

Three I'm under the table.

Four I'm under the host!

--- Dorothy Parker

We're in such a slump that even the ones that are drinkin' aren't hittin'.

--- Casey Stengel

Eat thy bread with joy,

And drink thy wine with a merry heart.

--- Ecclesiastes 9:10

Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink.

--- Gore Vidal

When money's tight and hard to get

And your horse is also ran,

When all you have is a heap of debt,

A pint of plain is your only man.

--- Old Irish toast

Beer drinkin' don't do half the harm of love makin'.

--- Old New England proverb.

Pure water is the best gifts a man can bring.

But who am I that I should have the best of anything?

Let princes revel at the pump, let peers with ponds make free,

...beer is good enough for me.

--- Lord Neaves

Let us sing our own treasures, Old England's good cheer,

To the profits and pleasures of stout British beer;

Your wine tippling, dram sipping fellows retreat,

But your beer drinking Britons can never be beat.

The French with their vineyards and meager pale ale,

They drink from the squeezing of half ripe fruit;

But we, who have hop-yards to mellow our ale,

Are rosy and plump and have freedom to boot.

--- English drinking song, circa 1757

Why, we'll smoke and drink our beer.

For I like a drop of good beer, I does.

I'ze fond of good beer, I is.

Let gentlemen fine sit down to their wine.

But we'll all of us here stick to our beer.

--- Old Somersetshire English song

When the hour is nigh,

Let me in a tavern die,

With a tankard by me.

--- Archpoet, "Confesio," 12th century

Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter. Sermons and soda water the day after.

--- Lord Byron

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

--- George Bernard Shaw

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

--- Noel Coward

An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

--- Dylan Thomas

They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that the ones who drink milkshakes don't win many ball games.

--- Casey Stengel

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

--- Henny Youngman

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

--- Dean Martin

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

--- Robert Benchley

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

--- Rodney Dangerfield

Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk.

--- Christopher Howse

What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.

--- Diogenes

A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.

--- Jonathan Swift

There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.

--- Benjamin Franklin

I would give all of my fame for a pot of ale and safety.

--- William Shakespeare

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.

--- Miguel de Cervantes

A little bit of beer is divine medicine.

--- Paracelsus, Greek physician

I'm Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death.

--- Jack Kerouac

Beer, if drank with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health.

--- Thomas Jefferson

Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and celebrate the good days.

--- Ancient Egyptian proverb

I recommend bread, meat, vegetables, and beer.

--- Sophocles

Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.

--- Samuel Johnson

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

--- George Bernard Shaw

If the headache preceded the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.

--- Samuel Butler

It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

--- George Burns

Drink to me.

--- Pablo Picasso's last words

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

--- George Best

The heart which grief hath cankered

Hath one unfailing remedy - the tankard.

--- C.S. Calverly

Then trust me, there's nothing like drinking

So pleasant this side of the grave;

It keeps the unhappy from thinking,

And makes e'en the valiant more brave.

--- Charles Didbin

The first draught serveth for health, the second for pleasure, the third for shame, the fourth for madness.

--- Sir Walter Raleigh

An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor.

--- Alvan L. Barach

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

--- Lord Byron

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.

--- Finley Peter Dunne

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.

--- Irish proverb

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

--- Dean Martin

My grandmother is eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

--- Henny Youngman

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.

--- Louis Pasteur

The world needs water. For every bottle of wine you drink you contribute to conserving the drinking water reserves

--- Paul Emil Victor

Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.

--- Karl Marx

The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom.

--- William Blake

Gin and drugs, dear lady, gin and drugs.

--- T.S. Eliot, when asked about inspiration

I envy people who drink - at least they know who to blame everything on.

--- Oscar Levant

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

--- Richard Braunstein

This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

--- Samuel Johnson

Wine is made to be drunk as women are made to be loved; profit by the freshness of youth or the splendor of maturity; do not await decrepitude.

--- Theophile Malvezin

Nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass of Chambertin.

--- Napoleon

Beer isn't just beer... beer needs a home.

--- Die Welt, German newspaper, 1976

Light beer is an invention of the Prince of Darkness.

--- Inspector Morse, Mystery

Put it back in the horse!

--- H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

--- Henry Lawson

Payday came and with it beer.

--- Rudyard Kipling

The selling of bad beer is a crime against Christian love.

--- Law, city of Ausburg, 13th century

Beer brewers shall sell no beer to the citizens, unless it be three weeks old; to the foreigner they may knowingly sell younger beer.

--- German beer law, 1466

Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.

--- Frederick the Great

There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says 'Good people drink good beer.' Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: Bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.

--- Hunter S. Thompson

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.

--- G.K. Chesterton

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

--- Ambrose Bierce

Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

--- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

--- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

--- William Butler Yeats

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.

--- Ross Levy

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

--- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

--- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

--- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

--- Frank Zappa

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

--- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

--- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

--- Kaiser Wilhelm

Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk.

--- Viking Proverb

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

--- Jack Handy

He was a wise man who invented wine.

--- Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

--- Catherine Zandonella

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

--- Henny Youngman

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

--- Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

--- David Moulton

I drink to make other people interesting.

--- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.

--- Washington Irving

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

--- Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

--- Homer Simpson

Man's way to God is with beer in hand.

--- Koffyar Tribal Wisdom, Nigeria

But if at church they give some ale And a pleasant fire for our souls to regale We'd sing and we'd pray all the live long day Nor ever once from the church to stray. Beer drinkin' don't do half the harm of love makin'.

--- Old New England proverb

Drink is the feast of reason and the flow of soul.

--- Alexander Pope

I've always believed that paradise will have my favorite beer on tap.

--- Rudyard Wheatley

Here's a toast to the roast that good fellowship lends, with the sparkle of beer and wine; May its sentiment always be deeper, my friends, than the foam at the top of the stein. Then here's to the heartening wassail, wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.

--- Ogden Nash

If the hangover preceded the binge, alcoholism would be considered a virtue and not a vice.

--- Gregory Bateson, anthropologist/psychologist

The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer.

--- Ancient Egyptian Wisdom, 2200 B.C.

The best beer is where priests go to drink. For a quart of Ale is a dish for a King.

--- Shakespeare, "A Winter's Tale"

For we could not now take time for further search (to land our ship) our victuals being much spent, especially our Beere.

---Ship's log of the Mayflower

But the greatest love--the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.

--- Irish love ballad

Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass, down with the beer!

--- Louis Untermeyer

A drink a day, keeps the shrink away.

--- Edward Abbey

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

--- Drew Carey

Last time I was sober, man I felt bad,

Worst hangover that I ever had.

It took six hamburgers, Scotch all night,

Nicotine for breakfast just to put me right.

--- Mark Knopfler, "Heavy Fuel"

Ale it is called among men, and among gods, beer.

--- First recorded mention of the word 'ale', 950 A.D. (Old Norse Alvisimal)

He that drinks strong beer, and goes to bed mellow, lives as he ought to live, and dies a hearty fellow.

--- 17th century English drinking song

As he brews so shall he drink.

--- Ben Johnson

I wish to see this beverage become common instead of the whiskey which kills one-third of our citizens and ruins their families.

--- Thomas Jefferson, on beer, January 6, 1816

The best place to drink beer is at home. Or on a river bank, if the fish don't bother you.

--- American folk saying

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?

--- J.P. Donleavy (The Ginger Man)

The best way to die is sit under a tree, eat lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer, then blow up.

--- Art Donovan, a.k.a. Fatso (Baltimore Colts lineman in the '50s and '60s)

While you merely see the disease being viruses, I see the benign microorganisms which by making, among other things, strong beers... and enable you to spend your evening in alcoholic bliss.

--- Patrick McGinley, 1978 (Bogmail)

A statesman is an easy man, he tells his lies by rote. A journalist invents his lies, and rams them down your throat. So stay at home and drink your beer and let the neighbors vote.

--- William Butler Yeats

As to the way of life of the English, they are somewhat impolite, for they belch at the table without shame. They consume great quantities of beer.

--- Father Etienne Perlin, 1558.

Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.

--- Mark Twain

O Beer! O Hodgson, Guinness, Allsopp, Bass! Names that should be on every infant's tongue.

--- C.V. Calverly

"Come, guess me this riddle, what beats pipes and fiddle,

What's hotter than mustard and milder than cream?

What best wets your whistle, what's clearer than crystal,

What's sweeter than honey and stronger than steam?

What'll make the dumb talk, what'll make the lame walk,

What's the elixir of life and philosopher's stone?

What helped Mr. Brunel to dig the Thames Tunnel?

Wasn't it whiskey, me boys, from old Inishowen?"

--- "The Humours of Whiskey"

If all be true that I do think, there are five reasons we should drink;

Good wine - a friend - or being dry -

Or lest we should be by and by - or any other reason why.

--- Henry Aldrich

There are two reasons for drinking:

One is, when you are thirsty, to cure it;

The other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.

--- Thomas Love Peacock

Here's to a long life, and a merry one; a quick death, and an easy one; a pretty girl, and an honest one; a cold beer - and another one!

--- Irish toast

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

--- Homer J. Simpson

Beer that is not drunk has missed its vocation. Meyer Breslau Beer once tasted like something. It was made out of malt and hops and yeast and pure filtered water... Nowadays it is often made of such gook as rice and corn grits... nothing but dirty water. It's so light and clear it's nothing...ignoble swill.

--- Charles McCabe, 1960

Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman? Hell no!

--- Hunter S. Thompson, on the Gulf War