Secrets of Love to have a successful Dating

Rationale: Love is full of mysterious things that we humans find it difficult to understand. Sometimes we just think of it as a life's obstacle, or a blessing, or the most wonderful feeling. Above all these different meanings of that unique feelings there are always joy and happiness within or sometimes the opposite, but having Love can also drive man to become somebody else, or the worst of it. What exactly is the secret of love? It is for us to find out and the explore the core of it.

The Secret to Successful Datings

^{Melissa Balmer}

^{Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com}

Not too long ago a girlfriend lamented to me "I don't want to meet another Mr. Right Now! I want to meet Mr. Right!" I'll wager that most of you understood her frustration and would agree with her. I don't. Like several women I know, this girlfriend is very attractive (in fact beautiful), and accomplished, and very successful at her career. She owns her own condo. She'd like to start a family soon.

What she doesn't do much, in fact hardly at all, is make an effort at dating men. When she does go out with a man, she often puts very heavy expectations on the date. A fun drink, a nice dinner, a good time at the movies cannot just rest within itself. If enough of his attributes stack favorably against her criteria of "right" she begins to see a nice encounter and a few phone calls as a budding relationship. The guy then begins to feel it's too much too soon, and he stops calling.

Know this routine? I sure do. I'm guilty of behaving this way far too many times to count. But I've finally stopped this behavior, and I've never been happier in my dating life. I actually enjoy dating now. I enjoy getting to know (even very briefly) different men. Why? I decided to go on a quest. I decided to take my own personal love & romance needs seriously enough to find out what they actually are vs. what I always assumed they were. And, very importantly, I stopped taking the act of dating itself so seriously.

The truth we don't like to face is that finding real romance, finding true love, takes serious effort. We've been raised with the notion that romance should be very easy, that it should just fall into our laps. Year after year we're inundated with the myth of the easy romance in both movies and books...their eyes meet across the room and wham, bam, less than two hours later (or a few hundred pages) they're riding off into the sunset, happily ever after. And that's what we want Damn it! We want it quick, and we want it easy.

But what happens, far too often, when we do fall into quick and easy? At first we're in 7th heaven! Buy do we usually end up living happily ever after? No, usually we end up a few weeks, or a few months later, feeling like we've been sold a used lemon when what we thought we were buying a Ferrari. If we're honest, the guy we were dating thinks the same about us.

Mind you, I'm not dissing instant chemistry. What I'm dissing is our need to find instant attachment before we've taken the time and effort to discover who this new person is, and whether or not they'd really be right for us. Guys are okay with "just dating" why can't women be?

We can! It's high time the single female population make peace with the whole dating game. Each new man you meet doesn't have to meet your friends or family right away. You don't have to sleep with anyone if you're not interested or ready. I know it'll take awhile to get use to this new way of thinking. But whenever you find yourself sliding back to your old ways of making each encounter "too important" remember that a watched kettle never boils, just as a watched phone never rings. I'm not putting a judgment on how quickly you sleep with someone either...this is a about your enjoyment of the encounter sister, not ethics or morality (though do practice safe sex, he's not cute enough to die for).

Let's be honest, sex isn't as easy for most women to enjoy as it is for men. We have complicated sexual plumbing that needs quite a bit of finesse to run smoothly and happily. It's just not that easy to let a brand new man know exactly what you need in order to enjoy the encounter as much as they do. You certainly can't do it if your main motivation is being so liked by the guy that he calls you soon!

It's time to see the creation of our own love lives as a fun adventure rather than a cruel disheartening one. It means you have to take the responsibility for getting out there. It means you have to make yourself available to meet the sort of men you'd be interested in. It means your schedule has to be less about efficiency and more about finding ways to have a good time with the opposite sex. It means you have to learn to laugh at yourself and the silly/bad situations you'll end up finding yourself in every once it awhile. Hey, it's okay! It's all about learning what you want and need, not about being perfect.

Before we end for this week I want to make another very important point you need to accept. Great men, nice men, even very cute men, are often very shy! Yes, I know, it's hard to believe but it's true. Does this mean you need to walk up to every cute man you see and ask him out? No, it means you need to find a way to be around these fellows frequently, and give them the space to approach and get to know you a bit (and you them). Trust me, I'm not being old fashioned, and I'm not being "all about the rules", I've learned my lesson and I'm being completely practical. Many men need time to get to know you a bit before gathering up the courage to ask you out.

A very good girlfriend of mine is extremely successful. In fact, she's so successful and her schedule is so packed, that she was going to the gym at 6:00 in the morning. Even though she goes to a very popular gym never saw any man she thought was remotely cute, or even interesting ...until she changed her schedule and started going at 7:30. That's right; an hour and a half has made a huge difference in her life. Now she's constantly being approached by several very attractive men who are obviously curious and want to get to know her. And this time she isn't putting expectations on the encounters. In fact, she's having a great time observing how they're slowly letting her know about their interest in her, and how they've been observing her.

When she recently had to go in for minor surgery and couldn't work out for many weeks two different men came up and asked where she'd been, and remarked to the week how long she'd been gone!

The Secret to a Fresh Start

The good news? He called and youve set up the first date. He s cute, you love his voice, and he made you laugh. So far everything is going great. The bad news? Your romantic baggage could rear up and keep date #2 from happening. Why? Your romantic baggage is so much a part of us we dont recognize that it can be the roadblock that a) scares great men away and b) keeps us from being truly open to new romantic possibilities.

The thing that women forget (and men can too) is that the first date is not really a date; it is more like an interview. It sounds unromantic I know, but the truth is that you do not know this person yet. No matter how gorgeous he is the first date is for gathering information NOT the right time to:

*Let him know how much you want to have children, especially his.

*Let him know how terrible your last break up was.

*Let him know how fabulous your last boyfriend was.

*Talk to your friends during dinner on your cell phone.

*Tell him you do not want to waste time. You are looking for Mr. Right not Mr. Right Now.

The actions above scream that you have an agenda and it is more important than the couple of hours you are going to spend with your date. It is tough, I know. Most of us go racing forward into first dates with our romantic baggage firmly in place (without even realizing it is there) and then wonder why he never calls. What to do? Recognize it is you that is worthy of a new romance, not your history.

For just one evening you can take a deep breath, take a step back, and recognize that on a first date Less Is More. This evening is about learning and possibility, not about the past (no matter how good or how bad). Take the time now, before the date, to figure out where your romantic baggage weighs you down. It usually infiltrates and permeates our life in two basic but powerful ways; physically and emotionally.

The Physical

The physical ways in which we state to ourselves and the world at large that we are not really ready for romance are the easiest to recognize, so they are the easiest to start with.

What is your work and social calendar like right now? Does it really have room for romance? Was this Saturday free a fluke and there is not another one for more than a month? Or is it that your life so entwined with your girlfriends that you can not go for more than an hour without checking up with them on your cell phone? Trust me on this one girls, it is one of the number one things men complain about that women do on dates.

Far less obvious, but still making a statement about your readiness to have a new romance, is the state of your own personal physical space. What does your home say now about who you are and what sort of romance you are ready for? Is this a place a man would feel comfortable, or is it so girlie his teeth will ache with sweetness when he walks in? Is there a foot of space for a man is clothes in your closet, or is every inch crammed with not only your favorites but every piece of clothing you have owned since High School? How about your bathroom cabinets? Is there any room for his tooth brush, an extra deodorant, and his shaving gear?

And just what does your bedroom say about your readiness for romance? Is this a place a man is going to wake up and want to hang out, or is he going to feel so crowded by special mementos from the past (like your collection of stuffed animals) that he is going to want to beat a hasty retreat?

The Emotional

There are a couple different ways we can emotionally keep new romances at bay with our romantic baggage. One of the biggest ways, of course, is not being over a past relationship whether it was a terrible disaster, or what you thought was the love of your life. While this is an extremely easy fault to see in others, it is often extremely difficult to see in ourselves. I know that Iove personally made the mistake of talking too much about my ex-husband to first dates in the past. For a divorce it was fairly amicable, and I thought it was important that I made it clear I was not a man hater, that I bore my ex no ill will. I am not a man hater, but my effort to explain the past came forth as if I was stuck in the past.

Another way we keep romance at by is by looking for nothing short of our romantic ideal. You may be the sort of person who likes the idea of romance more than the reality of it day in day. We all have our own wants and needs, and the reality is they do not line up exactly with the wants and needs of other people. While we learn over time to deal pretty well with this at the office (even though we grumble about it) when it comes to romance we often feel that things should totally be in sync in order for us to be happy. This is a nice fantasy, but it is only that. Is it possible that you are expecting the impossible from romance? Are you looking for a mind reader and a twin rather than someone to enjoy your life with?

Faking It Till You Make It

Of course it is much easier to recognize where your romantic baggage is weighing you down than to actually unload it. But right now you are all you are concerned with is the first date. Being a blanker slate on the first date is not about lying about your past, it is about letting there be enough space for this new guy and you to get to know each other all on your own first. I know you can do it! Now let is hope he can too.