Self-Esteem - Build Self-Esteem by Earning Respect

     Self-esteem can not be handed to you like a bailout for a tanking investment firm. Self esteem used to be called self-respect and if you want the respect of others, you need to earn it.

     One simple method is to abide by general moral values. All cultures have bans against stealing and bearing false witness. All cultures value generosity, loyalty and honesty. Just being a good person will do a lot for your self-esteem. When you’re down, when everything and everyone seems to be against you, at least you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing.

     In the 1990’s, my son’s elementary school embarked on a crusade to improve the self-esteem of students. They employed catchy yet annoying phrases like ‘warm fuzzies,’ (good) and ‘cold pricklies’ (bad). Teachers, children, and adult volunteers were encouraged to develop word usage that embodied a lot of warm fuzzies.

     For instance, if the teacher asked the class, ‘what color is the sky?’ and little Johnny answered ‘Glen plaid,’ the teacher was not to respond, ‘no, Johnny, the sky is not Glen plaid,’ because that negative kind of response damages little Johnny’s self-esteem.

     The proffered answer the teacher should offer would be, ‘that’s a clever suggestion, Little Johnny, but maybe we could think of another color.’

     At the same time, the school put the screws to the Effort Club (a huge club for achievement oriented kids) because the children who were excluded, the ones who didn’t do their homework, might feel bad.

     The whole self-esteem band-wagon just put a bad taste in my mouth, I realize that a person’s self-esteem can be damaged by others, abusers, rotten parents, creeps and bigots, but the weight given to the warm fuzzzies was enough to make me want to scream, ‘oh shut up, stupid.’

     Plenty of folks have low self-esteem. But I think that it takes more than some fuzzies to raise it. Sure, go ahead, make a list of your positive attributes. Get your family and friends to comment on your good points. But, as my sainted mother used to say, even Hitler loved his dog. Meaning, of course, that everybody has good points. Satan is charming. Charles Manson had leadership abilities. John Wayne Gacey was community oriented.

     You can build up your own self-esteem through hard work and cutting the bullshit. Here are some tips to help you build up your ego.

• Don’t worry if that good-looking punk in the 7th grade called you a name. He called everybody names.

• Don’t get upset because you’ve made an enemy at school, work or at the church sodality. Really weak, insignificant people don’t have enemies – they’re too invisible for notice. If you have an enemy, you have power!

• Do something you don’t ordinarily do that needs doing. Take a shower, clean up your mess, do your homework, wash the dishes, pick up the newspapers that are lying all over the front sidewalk, mow the lawn.

• Perform an act of kindness. Being nice to people, or helping others just makes you feel darn good about yourself.

• Do something that you don’t like every day. It builds character and self-confidence plus things get done.

• Set small, achievable goals. A huge project can seem impossible but if you break it down into increments, you can move forward slowly but surely. You ‘ll be less inclined to give up.

• Failure is an option. Don’t have a cow if you fail at something. The only people who never fail never do anything to fail at.

• Don’t fall into a funk when you look in the mirror. Nobody looks like those people on TV, even the stars themselves.  Find one of those tabloid papers that publish features entitled the Stars Without Makeup! Cut out a photo of your favorite star looking like the Monday after a lost weekend and hang it on your mirror. You’ll think, ‘thank God I don’t look like that.’

• Learn something new. Learning a new skill actually builds new synapses in your brain! (And they said it couldn’t be done) Time spent learning is time not dwelling on what a stupid dope you are. Plus, actually learning something will be a real improvement!

• Stop shuffling your feet.

• Stand up straight. Good posture increases both confidence and blood flow.

•  Drink a lot of water, tea, and juice. Eat nutritional, fresh foods. Processed food is poison. No wonder you feel like crap.

• Exercise alters your brain chemistry, increases metabolism, builds muscle, and gives you a wonderful feeling of accomplishment.

• If your spouse, housemate, significant other or whoever gets off by making you feel like dirt – dump the son-of-a-bitch.  But be fair.  If you call your partner a big, fat, lazy, stupid shit and they call you an insensitive name in return, you can’t lay all the blame at their feet.

     Self-esteem must be earned.  Look at the glow in a baby’s eyes when she learns to walk, an incredible accomplishment after much practice and a lot of falling down. Would you work as hard as a baby?

     Avoid sociopathic types who enjoy the suffering of other people. Learn how to spot these creeps and don’t let them turn you into a victim.

     You should expect others to respect you and you should respect others. But we can't always depend on other people to do the right thing. You can't control the behavior of other people, but you can control your own behavior, your own thoughts and emotions.

     So pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get out of your funk. If you want to think that you're OK, you'd better actually be OK.