The following is a fictionalized story. It could happen in any city; including yours. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Characters:

Willie: shoe salesman

Lavon: shoe salesman

Patrice: Thom McAn manager

Ms. Guffman: Thom McAn customer

Renee: Hot looking customer

WILLIE: (VOICE OVER) This is the city; Hometown, America. Hometown is a city not unlike other American cities. For the cultured, there are art museums and symphony orchestras. For the younger citizens, there are parks and playgrounds, good schools and movie matinees on Saturday. Retired folks can enjoy activities and socialize at several adult centers in and around the area.

For those people that break the law there is a newly remodeled and freshly painted city jail.

No matter what life style the residents of Hometown choose to follow, they all have one thing in common: shoes. That's where I come in. I carry a shoehorn.

WILLIE: (VO) It was Saturday, July 3rd. It was warm in Hometown. I was working the morning shift at Thom McAns.

My partner is LaVon. The store manager is Patrice Beard. Her dad built the mall. My name is Willie.

WILLIE: (VO) It was 8:57 AM. We were drinking something hot, black and oily disquised as coffee. The first customer of the day walked in...Mrs. Guffman.

LAVON: (WHISPERING) Sheeesh. She's already here. I haven't even finished my coffee. What do think today Willie? Classic pump or designer sandal? (LaVon snaps out a five-dollar bill and lays it on the table. Willie does the same.)

WILLIE: Retro loafer or maybe, just maybe...the leather mule.

WILLIE: (VO) Mrs. Guffman had Zanotti tastes and a Thom McAn bankroll. Shoes to her were like a magic wand. A new pair would exit her from her drab existence into a world of make-believe cocktail parties and late evening trysts with George Clooney look-a-likes.

MRS GUFFMAN: Oh young man! Excuse me, young man. Can you help me?

WILLIE: Uh-huh. What would you like to try on today Mrs. Guffman?

MRS GUFFMAN: Well, let me see? I've got tickets to the symphony tonight and then of course followed by cocktails at the reception for Maestro Troykovich.

WILLIE: How about a nice white leather mule with a red ankle strap?

MRS. GUFFMAN: I think I’d like to start with a nice toed sandal. After all William, it is July.

WILLIE: Yes Ma’am

LAVON: (ASIDE) Sandal! (He quickly scoops up the two five dollar bills).

PATRICE :( GUSHING) Good morning Mrs. Guffman! Is Willie taking good care of my best customer? What are we looking for today Mrs. G? We just got in a shipment of beautiful gray suede sling backs!

MRS. GUFFMAN: Oh, yes! Willie! Willie darling, bring out a pair of the sling backs also.

WILLIE: (HEADING BACK TO STOREROOM) Right. Sling backs.

WILLIE: (VO) While I was shuffling boxes looking for the assorted styles requested by Mrs. Guffman something kept bothering me; gnawing at me like that Saharan rat that chews on your toe when your foot sticks out of the bed covers while spending the night in a sleazy run-down Moroccan motel . Then it hit me. What size shoe am I looking for here?

WILLIE: (YELLING) What size today Mrs. Guffman?

MRS. GUFFMAN: Six in the sling back and a four in the sandal. And bring out the mules too! Ahh...better make that a six also. No. No, silly me what am I thinking? Make it a five and a half Willie dear.

WILLIE: (VO) 10:30 AM. LaVon and I broke for lunch early. Mrs. Guffman had decided on a faux red leather stiletto heel w/black heel strap and a matching handbag; a steal at $19.95. We landed at the Pup & Taco in the food court. They deep-fry their corn dogs in Rex lard, which is the way the food gods intended it. We grabbed a corner seat by the window.

LAVON: Hey Willie, did you hear about the podman* over at the Payless # 2? He really fell for the old "touch and tell."

WILLIE: How's that?

LAVON: You know the set-up. Some bombshell walks in and wants to try on two or three different pairs but wants you to help her slip ‘em on then all of sudden she yells out that you were touching her leg. You know, stroking the calf, getting a little too friendly. Are you going to eat your fries?

WILLIE: Yes.

LAVON: So then, the manager has to make nice with the broad and he ends up giving her the shoes for free and gift certificates that lasts her for months and fires the podman to boot.

WILLIE: Uh-huh.

LAVON: So what do you think Willie?

WILLIE: How's that?

LAVON: Your fries Willie, your fries. Are you gonna eat them?

WILLIE: (VO) 11:30 AM. We arrived back at Thom McAns. The store was crowded with pre-fourth of July sale hunters.
It was 11:35 AM when she walked through the door. Every podman's dream. Judging from her heel-toe glide, she was a perfect 6. Gold anklet looped over a petite ankle and the toenails painted a glossy cordovan. My guess was she still had her little toenail intact. She was wearing a brown open-toe designer retro pump. Pure class. Why was she shopping McAns?

WILLIE: How may I help you miss?

RENEE: Renee.

WILLIE: Renee.

RENEE: I would like to start with maybe a nice leather kitten heel pump, rust or maybe green. Size 6. And let's look at a woven clog; open toe so my toes can breathe on these hot, hot summer days.

WILLIE: Yes ma'am..

.
RENEE: (SEDUCTIVELY) Renee

WILLIE: Renee

WILLIE: (VO) I was fumbling through boxes in the storeroom praying I could find the clogs and pumps. I found the shoes and hurried back to finalize the sale and maybe score a date with this most beautiful creature.

RENEE: Would you be a darling and help me with this pump Willie? It needs a shoehorn.

WILLIE: (VO) I grabbed that beautiful ankle and started to work the pump on, manipulating it from toe to heel when it suddenly hit me like a bag of Doc Martens. That old feeling started churning. It starts deep in your gut and then slowly works its way up your backbone like a cold, moist Andaluvian viper until it reaches your neck and starts to feed on the Costa Rican miniature howler monkey sitting on your shoulder. Willie was being set up for the old touch and tell.

WILLIE: Easy does it sugar lips! I know exactly what's going on here. You walk into a shoe store and the temperature goes up 20 degrees from the steam blowing out from every podman’s collar. You wiggle those beautiful toes and flash that gold plated twelve-link ankle bracelet like we're all some kind of hungry fish looking to take a bite. Well, I'm not biting angel face. You may get away with your T&T scam at Payless but not here sister, not at McAns!

WILLIE: (VO) 12:02 AM. The sun was straight overhead and hot. I walked the four long blocks to my apartment.

It turns out Renee was Patrice’s' cousin and wasn't the T&T fraudulator. It only took Patrice about 10 minutes to finish filling out and processing my walking papers. Lost a job and a possible lady friend in one sitting.

I hear they need a good podman at Payless.

*A podman is a shoe sales clerk

Willie’s Favorite Fast Food

Corn Dogs at Pup and Taco (defunct)
Long John Silvers Platter of Grease
Subway Seafood Sandwich on a 12" white; heavy on the vitamin O
Dairy Queen Brazier Burger with a caramel marshmallow malt
A&W Poppa Burger (defunct)
Arctic Circle Fries with fry sauce
Sonic Steak Sandwich and Tots w/cherry lime aide