Seriously, what are the qualities that I should look for when I choose my life partner?
74The scientific approach
The what and why of human attraction has been the subject of scientific research for ages. Scientists have conducted studies to observe the influence of pshysical aspects, such as smell, the looks, the sound of one's voice, psychological aspects and social factors in an attempt to unravel the question why people are attracted to each other. My personal conclusion is that a more or less sceintific answer can not be found. We can draw conclusions about different aspects, but there is no single formula that says: x plus y equals everlasting love.
The personal approach
So many people, so many opinions, so many needs. Some people are craving for a life partner more than others. In my experience, women more than men feel incomplete until they have hooked up with ‘their significant other'. In order to find the qualities they are looking for, we must know just what need(s) they think will be satisfied by this significant other.
Those needs are personal. The physiological need for sex for one person can be much higher (or lower) than for another. And thus, the physical attraction factor may be of much more influence for one person, than it is for another. In general, I think that the better you are able to provide in your needs yourself, the less you will depend on the significant other. The areas in which you're less developed yourself will be the things you'll be hoping to find in your life partner. So basically, the answer to your request depends primarily on where you stand in life. There is no one size fits all answer.
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The social factors
We all grew up in our own environment. We were all raised with our own set of virtues and beliefs. This means that we all have our own, personal ideas about what is desirable. For a religious person, it may be very important that the life partner shares that same religion and experiences it in the same way. Having said this, we should also be aware that there are other social factors that are less obvious that come into play when it comes to hooking up with the other one. In Families and How to Survive Them, Robin Skynner (aided by John Cleese) describes the conclusions he drew from a rich experience in family therapy and according to his findings our motivations to ‘choose' a partner go much deeper than we might expect.
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My own wish list
As I have already stated in one of my comments in another answer to this request, I don't really have a list of qualities. I really take people as they are, accepting who they are. That is not to say that I could relate with everyone, of course. But I don't dissect and analyze a person's character in order to decide whether or not I like them, feel attracted to them, etc. I don't regard people as a set of qualities. Any human is a unity. I didn't marry my (now ex) wife, because she had (or lacked) certain qualities, I married her because I loved her. Even more so with my current partner. Don't ask me why; don't ask me for the individual scores that sum up to the fact that I love her. I just know.
I believe love can only work if it's unconditional. I give without wanting anything in return. So I love her. Period. I don't love her because this or that. I don't love her for this or that. I just love her. And that's enough for me.
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Comments
In my perception nothing was lacking at the time. Our relationship was built on mutual attraction, not on need.
In my current relationship (I'm not married) that's even more the case. It wasn't until I had sorted things out for myself and was completely content with myself and life until I could open up for a new relationship.
In fact, between my marriage and my current relationship I had one brief relationship that was indeed built on need. It failed hopelessly. And the reason I think, is that it wasn’t unconditional love. Although not expressed, I expected something in return for my love: the fulfillment of my need(s). My current relationship does not suffer from this condition. Love is given because I want to give, not because I want to get.
it would seem that mutual attraction was not enough. i believe relationships work when both parties are aware of what they are bringing to the table and respect the other for their contribution.
unconditional love is something that only children can obtain. unconditional love is love with no reason, completely open and accepting of all things. as we grow older, we learn to not accept all things, we've been hurt, disappointed, and have learned to put expectations on ourselves and others. how, can we love unconditionally?
Mama Dee, I respect your point of view. For me, it is different. I love my girl for no reason, completely open and completely accepting her as she is. Just as I love myself as I am. This may be hard for you to understand, but it's the truth. I have learned to let go of my expectations.
Apparently it works differently for you than it works for me.
fair enough
Mutual respect, a MUST have. For me it's all about personality rather than looks or anything else superficial that doesnt last. I am content with someone who can make me think, who turns me on with his mind, instead of his body. The outside fades over time, the inside is forever. That would be the one major thing that I absolutely have to have in a partner.
For a relationship to work mutual respect and trust are absolutely fundamental. I won't deny that looks are important too, though. It's not the media-defined ideal that attracts me however. Usually the eyes are most important, but I must admit that the chances of me falling for a so-called BBW are slim. They're just not my type. It doesn't mean I can't appreciate them as a person, but I don't feel attracted to them. Same is true for skinny types, though. All in all it's the personality that is most important, I completely agree.
That's funny. As I read your comment I realized that I dont have a type. Ive dated "normal" sized guys, really tall ones, ones a teeny bit shorter than myself, one or two chubbies, Im all over the map. Looks do matter for me but not as much as for others I know. Im much more attracted to a guy who can make me laugh than I am a guy who is model good looking. In fact, I tend to run from the great lookers, they scare me. :)
Funny thing is that I do have a type, or a couple of them. I do know what I like to look at. And reality is that the women I ended up with did not fit those types. At the end of the day it’s personality, someone who can make you think, laugh and feel good.
I agree with you on some points mentioned in the beginning of your hub, but you lost me at unconditional love. Now that I am a mother, I don't believe I've ever loved, or ever will love, a partner the way I do my child- it's so different. I suspect you think you love your current girl unconditionally because you are getting everything you need right now from her. But as soon as you feel (inevitably it will happen) like you're not getting your needs met, you will think twice about what unconditional love means. In my opinion- not possible in a parnter relationship.
To each his or her own, Izetl. I strongly feel that there is only one person who can satisfy my needs and that is me. It is me and only me who is responsible for my happiness. Others contribute to that hapiness, mind you, but the responsibility remains mine and I don't grow dependent of others to meet my needs.
I totally agree with you about making yourself happy and not being dependant on others to meet your needs, but we all have egotistic needs that are met or not met by others. We wouldn't find certain people unattractive or attractive otherwise. The fact that you were drawn to your partner and not someone else at the time is proof that she does something for you- she meets some sort of need. If you absolutely did not need anyone else for anything you wouldn't be with anybody- maybe your need is for companionship, but it's still a need that she satisfies for you.
The Unconditional love I have for my daughter is one that I truly do not expect anything from her because the first couple of years in a child's life they can't actually show gratefulness or respect and love is one way- from me to her. If I was in a partner or friendship relationship where I gave and gave and received no affection, respect, or generous attitde in return, I would leave quickly- I'd be a fool not to. We all expect something back even if it's a friend who just listens to us.
You’re right and yet again – in my opinion – you’re wrong, izetl :)
I can’t deny that we all have needs and among those needs are the need to feel loved, the need for sex, the need to belong and the need for esteem. I don’t need a life partner to fulfill those needs, however. I gratefully accept these gifts of course, but I do not expect or demand them from her. The simple fact is that I love her and I give her that love unconditionally, like I love others unconditionally. And I am so fortunate that I receive love too. Mind you, I receive it TOO, not ‘in return’. It’s not a trade, no condition in my opinion.
Look witihn yourself for the love that you want and the lessons in wich you wish to learn from another. Life and love isn't all aobut what the other has, it is also what you have. There will never be a perfect love on the plkanet because we are all working on something. The thing you need to look for is your coping skills when her or your partners needsa re not being met. How will you deal with that if they go someplaceelose because you didn't see it? Are you an aspect of that unconditional love and are you forgiving enough in your own mind? Love is ever changing but it is also ever constant and two people who are going to change by it and by outside forces will inevitably want the comfort and the constant love of their partner for support in that. Are you ready to do this?
The answers are within you.
Thank you for this deep and thought provoking comment, Lady Guinevere
If no one 'needs' anything from another person(because they have everything within themselves) then why do you or I choose to be with who we are with? Simply explained- they fulfill a need we desire. We may only come to recognize the need when it is no longer being fulfilled. Why do people get divorced? Because their needs/expectations are not being met. I don't beleive we may all be aware of what we need from the other person, but it's there and that's why we want to be around the person.
If you provide everything you need for yourself then why have anybody in your life- why not be a hermit? You need your woman because she gives you love and you like love- nothing wrong with that, but it still holds a certain expectation. You say she loves you in return but not because she has to so what if she sarted treating you bad and acting as if she doesn't love you, would you have a need to be with her anymore? I bet you would say no- so your love is conditional on the fact that she treats you at least tolerably in your opinion. You have a need for love because I'm guessing you wouldn't be with someone who didn't make you happy and treat you with love. Have a baby, then you will know that unconditional love is different than partner love. A baby cries and demands and you give and give with absolutely nothing in return. Not all parental love is unconditional- some have babies because they need to feel needed.
I do agree with you on the points you make about women being needing to find partner to feel complete. It's too bad but it has a lot to do with self-esteem (it's a big one in girls' life, if you've read any parenting books)because of so many reasons including society/media, upbringing, and biological(our clock runs out sooner than men if a woman wants a baby). If you notice women are getting married later in life now that fertility treatment is improving.There's not too much rush now on "feeling complete" with a partner.
I have a Masters in Psych and Maslow's theory has a lot of holes in it.Except for the basics, other needs are always changing- like Lady Guinevere pointed out.
There is a movie (Shall We Dance) with a great quote about why people seek a partner- "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? You're asking your parnter to witness it all- the mundane things...all of it".
How did this turn into a controversial topic? I believe everyone has the right to say their own perception of love. Conditional, uncontional. whatever we may call it. I think this is quiete subjective.
as for me, I can't say what I'm looking for right now. I am more into searching within and perhaps by then I can say what I am looking for.
Izwtti, You mis interpreted my words. I didn't mean that no one needs anyone. What I said was that everyone needs others to grow, but if they are not ready for the lessons and outcomes and the growth of another then the relationship will fail. I do hope that I made myself clearer.
Having a baby is not unconditional love either--wait until they grow up and you will see that. It happens about the age of 13.
Ananta- That is a good analogy to compare relationships to Abraham Maslows theory. On personal issues I think even religious texts provide some inputs as much as scientific studies or those kind of religious texts are considered scientific too I am not sure. There are some emotions like love which can't easily be explained. But to just analyze it from my perspective based on my background here is what I believe in.
Well as my mom used to give me advice about guys and this is what she used to say to look for into the life partner which keep evolving over a period of time. Technically these are the 4 stages of life in Hindus I.e., Brahmacharya, Grihastha, Vanaprastha and Sanyasa.
And mostly even marriage(Grihastha) also has certain stages:
1)Physical 2)Emotional 3)Intellectual 4)Spiritual
Strong Physical attraction lasts for the first few months/years then the Emotional wavelength/temperament becomes slightly more important in life. Then comes intellectual stimulation or challenging tasks becomes more important. And finally lastly spiritual affinity and shared goals becomes important in a relationship. But none of these are water tight compartments but it is a mix up of these 4 elements some in slightly more proportion for some than others. My parents play chess, scrabble and do crossword puzzles together which I find so cute. Now the latest craze for them is Sudoku...hehe
Ok I better stop now since I am getting too carried away. Nice hub and good discussion in comments.
Lady Guin,
I got what you mean here. It's like saying "do not expect anybody to complete you. because you are bringing expectations that your partner may feel as a burden if he himself brings his own expectations. walking on the street with that big hole in you waiting for someone to fill it in may not be seen by the naked eye but can be felt. It is unattractive. the only person who can complete you is yourself.
check the book "the missing piece" and "when the missing piece meets the big O" by shel silverstein. good example.
Please correct me if I am wrong in this.
It’s hard to explain, izetl, because the difference is subtle and not so much in the phenomenon as in the way we look at it. But I’ll try.
Yes, we need the feeling to belong to something bigger than ourselves, some sort of community. We need friendship, we need sexual intimacy and respect of others. And in order to satisfy these needs we search the company of others. So yes, others play a part in the fulfillment of our needs. Simply because they are at the same time satisfying their own, similar needs.
I don’t want to come across as arrogant, but basically I am a kind person, intelligent and with a sense of humor. As a result I have quite some people who I can refer to as friend, who treat me with respect, so with plenty of that being around, I don’t actually need that from my life partner. I am quite good at my work, so also in my professional life I get what I need in this respect. And (again, no arrogance intended) as I am not unattractive I can also get sex from basically anyone if I need psysical intimacy. So for me – but that is personal – my life partner does not have to fulfill these needs.
If she started mistreating me, I wouldn’t want to be around her any more, but – and this may seem like a paradox – it wouldn’t stop me from loving her. I’ve used the example before and I’ll use it here again: I still love my ex-wife. I wouldn’t want to share my life with her, we’re past that station. But I love her, care about her and hope she’ll find happiness. And I expect nothing, absolutely nothing in return. In the same way I love many people around me, including my current partner. I love them unconditionally, impossible as that may sound to you.
I also have a daughter. I love her unconditionally too. For me the love I feel for all of these people is exactly the same love. I just express it in different ways, depending on who it concerns.
The love we give away is the only love we keep. (Elbert Hubbard)
The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions. (Friedrich Nietzsche)
I truly feel that there are as many ways of loving as there are people in the world and as there are days in the life of those people. (Mary S. Calderone)
Thank you for your elaboration, Lady Guinevere. I have been involved in a few more or less serious relationships. And in my surroundings there are very few couples that are still with their first love. I don’t think everlasting love is a goal or an ideal. Not that it’s bad either, mind you, but I think that each relationship teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves. We’re not always good at learning these lessons right away, but basically any relationship can help you grow in my opinion.
I think any relationship (also good friends, not necessarily life partners) contains these ‘stages’, countrywomen. For me, the Physical Attraction is absent when it comes to relationships with men, but at least emotionally and intellectually there always is some connection. Thank you for adding to the discussion *smile*
You may also want to read my hub http://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-My-Missing-Piece and it’s source of inspiration by ripplemaker: http://hubpages.com/hub/MissingPiece, sheenarobins. As for your first comment: it is my belief that the search within never ends *smile*
Ananta- Life doesn't give you the people you want; instead it gives you the ones you need to teach you, to hurt you, to love you -- to make you exactly the way you should be. Good hub and thought provoking comments. I am glad you didn't find my comment too conservative coming from my Hindu Background. Will check those other hubs too shortly.
Sheena you are correct.
CW, Yes it does that way.
I totally agree, countrywomen. I appreciate your comments and don’t consider them to be conservative. Any point of view is at least worth taking into consideration as far as I’m concerned.
Ananta,
I also mentioned the same books from ripplemaker with my 2nd comment. What a coincidence. It is my favorite book as it explains relationships into a childs heart. Glad you added the link. I have the hardboud copy (boasting) :) lol
Countrywomen,
You said it right. I am with you all the way. I've always wonder why the hindu's understood life so much. I have an ebook of Detachment from Attachment and I love it very much. author was a hindu.
Detachment from attachment, that sounds bhuddistic *smile* Glad we were affected by the same ripple ;)
Ananta,
I get confused between the two all the time. lol. Me and ripplemaker lives in the same city but we don't know each other personaly. the book was read to me by my previous boss. Something, I can't forget about her andthe book was a gift from her too.
Ananta&Sheena- Eastern religions like Budhism/Hinduism/Sikhism/Jainism have their origins in India hence the general thought process as far as Karma/Reincarnation is concerned is similar. Now coming to life I guess over thousands of years their are some eastern philosophies like those which advocate Karma (action/reaction) to be the basis for whatever is happening to us but again we are responsible for what will happen to us too hence where we are is because of what we did in the past and where we will be depends on what we do at present.
Detachment by itself doesn't solve all issues as normally one can't be totally detached for very long. Hence the general philosophy in life is to progressively detach from material pursuits and attach to spiritual pursuits. I will stop now since I am getting too much into religious stuff. Chill out and have a great day :-)
And a beautiful gift that is, sheenarobins!
Thank you for clarifying that, countrywomen. I was aware that there are many similarities and shared aspects between Hinism and Bhudism.
LadyGuinevere- most of my comment above was replying to Ananta. The only thing i mentioned was agreeing with you on the fact that love and relationships are always changing. The rest of your comment was very positive, a little new age for me personally, but I only wanted to point out the realties of love and relationships more than the positive affirmations and feel-good statements we tell ourselves about who we are and who we hang out with. Knowing and loving ourselves is actually easy work, but knowing and loving ourselves around other people and in the midst of relationships is the hard part.
Lady Guin, I made the statement about having a BABY being unconditional love- I mentioned nothing about when they get older. In fact, I stated they are incpable of returning much appreciation for the first two years of their life-that's why it's uncondiotional love. When they are capable of returning that love and they don't at times, then we have the same frustrations we would in any relationship,hopefully with a little more tolerance because we're the parent. I am a step-parent to an 11 yr old so I know how kids change. My point was that babies in particular are the only example I can think of as giving truly unconditional love. I don't believe it is common in typical partner relationships, as Ananta does.
Ok.
I can think of something else that is totally uncondition--animals, pets. You can not feed them for days, almost kill them an they will still ove you unconditionally. Now I do do any of those things, but it is just an example.
Lady Guin- I agree with you about animals, but others would say assigning animals human emotions is our way of humanizing animals when they are not actually capable of such emotions. I don't know if they love unconditionally or would just stick around and be nice to you hoping you'll feed them. I'm an animal lover so I think they feel their version of love- very simple and unconditional.
Ananta- obviously your hub is good because it has us all talking about all sorts of thought-arousing topics.
And it's nice to see this discussion, izetl. The hub was only the beginning. Together with the comments it has grown out to become something more than just a hub. Thank you for contributing to that and you too, Lady Guinevere
Ananta- Now what did myself and sheena do(or not do in this case) to not get a contribution mention....LOL
Izetti- Here is a wonderful story of Dog called hachiko's unconditional love: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hachik%C5%8D
Izetti, You have never seen a dog cry? You have never seen depression set it when a mother cat has died and all the other animals get sad afterwards. Have you never been around animals that will sit at your back door and you think they just want food and all they really want is love and a good petting. Then after you pet them they get excited and play with a toy?
There is much that you are missing when you (not personally -general tern here) don't pay attention to what is right around you. How many animals do you have and how long have you had them?
The DO have emotions!
I might have watched too much "Dog Whisperer" shows because he repeats several times that dogs experience emotions but not the way humans do. They are much more simple (which I agree with that part). He gives examples of dogs doing better with changing owners and homes than humans adjust to change. I believe dogs feel love and seek companionship, but I'm not sure if it really matters who gives it to them. It may be for survivial and instinctual reasons.
I've had lots of pets- two dogs- pekingnese and chihuahua (that I have right now). I am frustrated with my dog now because he is not very friendly- we rescued him when he was 1 and he's now 6- and he has almost bitten my daughter a couple of times. She doesn't do anything to provoke it and is very gentle as I watch them carefully. I wish he would love more, but it's become an estranged relationship so I question whether whatever emotions an animal feels is only for their survival and benefit. I have not seen an animal grieve either.
countrywomen- great story about that dog. I've only had two small dogs and it seems it is the bigger dogs that display more human-type emotions. Maybe I should get a big dog someday :-))
You need to check out how those who had your dog treated him then. They can remember (yes others will tell you that they don't) that treatment for years and sometimes the rest of their lives. It's not survival but trained unbeknownst. If an animal only wants to survive then it would not need humans at all. Ever watch how a domesticated dog when let loose will revert bacck to the "pack"?
We took in a dog that was dropped off or somehow found our house and he was mistreated by a female. We know this by his actions and not listening to me. When he came he was very immaciated,,well you can read the whle story on my hub "Duke" You can also read about all the animals that I now hove on my hub "the animals that chose me and then there are a few others there as well about the other animals that I have. They have personalities and with personalities there is emotions that go with them.
Sorry, I derailed the topic.........
to bring it back, watch how they treat animals and pets...it has been proven that those who mistreat their pets also go on to mistreat other humans.
I forgot to mention, my daughter got a chihuahua from someone just recently and he litterally cried when we came and when we left the place. Big tears on a tiny little dog. Yes little dogs have feelings and emotions too.
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mama dee says:
2 years ago
obviously, there was something in your relationship with your first wife that either yourself or she was in need of and was not getting, correct? something was lacking.
i wish you all the luck and best wishes in your current marriage.
i feel this further strengthens my point.