1. Hygiene first!

It may not seem fun, but if you can save us a yeast infection or worse, it will be worth it. You don't want to hear about that? We don't want to have to deal with it or pass it along to you. Wash your equipment and wash your hands. And while I'm thinking of it, warm them up as well! Nothing ruins that relaxed anticipation like the sudden placement of two meaty blocks of ice on our skin. It's just respectful. And if you can show us that respect, we can return it in kind. Your partner can feel a lot more free and creative when the thought of where things have been isn't bouncing around in her mind.

Explore. There are so few frontiers left to us. The landscape of the human body is open range, dark forest, deep cavern...you get the picture. We like it when you appreciate us. A positive comment or two would be nice, but don't think you have to. We're here to have fun, so act like it. Play. Experiment. Communicate (and we should, too). It doesn't have to be verbal. A lot of what we like will be obvious. If you're doing something nice, we can't help ourselves, you'll hear it, see it, or feel it. By all means, do that again! If you feel her pull away, hear a less pleasant sound, or get no response, rethink your approach, change things up a bit. We like to know you're there and involved, not just pushing buttons. You don't have to get into a whole conversation to allay our fears, just a kiss or a nudge now and then to let us know you're aware we have a head attached would be great.

I cannot stress this enough. One of the reasons it takes a woman more time to reach a heightened state of arousal is that it takes time for our bodies to properly prepare. While there are times when the excitement of the moment will be more than enough, there are times when for any number of reasons it won't suffice. At those times, the situation is a frustrating catch-22: lubrication is needed to enhance arousal but she has to be feeling arousal in order to produce the needed lubrication. This is easily solved by a visit to the pharmacy. Any number of products can serve to help things along in a most enjoyable fashion. She'll be ready for you faster and have more fun getting there. Be sure you take a few moments to compare your choice in lubricant with your preferred method of birth control (some products break down condom material, for example). Try out a few, see what works, which is the most fun, which you're still cleaning off a day later. Use a little on yourself at the same time and give her the chance to show you how different the feeling can be. You'll get one of the most enjoyable life-lessons you could encounter.

Personally, I love it when the mood is set, when all my senses are engaged. Not every encounter needs extensive planning and preparation. Take two minutes to put on a nice song, light a candle or stick of incense. If having the lights on is something you look forward to, candlelight can be a very flattering and non-threatening way to help move your lady in that direction. Pay attention to room temperature. While it might be fun to snuggle under the covers during a cold winter night, it is not fun when you're the one who keeps getting the cold breeze when the blankets move or there is a change in position. Turn up the heat or, in warmer months, tuck a fan in the corner or nudge up the a/c on your way. It needn't be the same thing each time. I can assure you she'll notice. These are subtle ways you can communicate you care about more than just the end result and, at the same time, you gain a more relaxed and inviting partner, which only leads to good things.

When you're rushing and just want it to be over, we know and we don't like knowing. It's a terrible feeling thinking your partner considers your pleasure a chore. You don't have to contort yourself into crazy positions or give yourself carpal tunnel. Work with us and find a position we can both sustain. You might be surprised how little movement (and time!) you need to accomplish your goal. That may be the most difficult part of our bedroom interactions, the most unspoken wish: please, slow down. Having the passions build is only part of the equation. There are very sensitive areas down that way, ones not accustomed to rough man hands and the friction and pressure they can create. Take it easy, especially as you're starting off. We have a lot easier time letting you know when we need more.

Have you ever been in the middle of intimacy and had your lady finish first and collapse, exhausted, perhaps a quick kiss before she drops off to sleep and leaves you awake and in a state of unrest? Let me tell you, you wouldn't appreciate it and we don't either. If parties mutually agree to stop for whatever reason, that's different. But if you're out for your own and too bad for anyone else, you're not going to see a lot of repeat business or happy customers. Once you're done, the approach may need to be altered, but there are many other ways to the end she is waiting for. Trust me, she will remember and reward you. And if you don't? We remember that, too. And you will pay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

And don't worry. It's all supposed to be fun, awkward, sometimes silly, naughty fun.