Sex After Rape -- Victims' Coping Tactics
95The question: Do rape victims become promiscuous in response to the trauma?
The answer: Let's just say running out and having retribution sex is hardly the first thing on their minds. As always, I will write primarily from my own experience, with some generally accepted guidelines thrown in (which may or may not validate my own reaction).
My Favorite Book By a Rape Victim
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Lucky: A Memoir
Price: $4.75
List Price: $12.99 |
One Rape Does Not Fit All
First of all, rape is an equal opportunity crime. Women of all ages, races, builds, income levels, education levels, and temperaments get raped. They might be sleeping in their bed, or walking home from work, or partying in a fraternity when the rape occurs. They may or may not know their attacker(s).
In short, you can't easily classify all victims pre-rape. In addition to the above, some women who get raped are virgins. Some are married. Some are sexually active, but within normal limits. Some "promiscuous" women do end up getting raped, too. But the victim's sexual history is not the issue. You see, rape is not -- despite what popular opinion, movies and courtroom dramas would have you believe -- a sexaul crime. It's a crime of RAGE and POWER. It's an overpowering of a woman using sexual force as the weapon.
A rape victim may be sexually active before her rape. She will probably, at some point, be sexually after the rape. The fact is, however, the rape itself will cause a major -- if temporary -- disruption in her sexual functioning. Because it will cause a major -- if temporary -- disruption in her functioning period.
But the Trauma Is Universal
Although the circumstances surrounding rape are virtually unlimited, it is a universally traumatizing crime for its victims. Women who live through rape go through the familiar stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally, if they're "lucky"(see book above), Acceptance. Another categorization of the grief of rape victims that rings quite true in my experience is this:
1. Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
2. Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
3. Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)
Ideally, the reorganization and re-entry into a more normal social life will include normal sexual functioning. The sexual partners of rape victims are essentially victims, too. Through no fault of their own, they end up having to help their partner pick up the pieces of her life.
Near-Term Coping Mechanisms
In the hours and days following a rape (and trust me, the rape does not have to involve vaginal penetration for this to be the case) pretty much the last thing you will feel like having is sex.
You feel dirty, fouled, crushed and bruised (emotionally if not physically). The sense of vulnerability is overwhelming. You may want to sit down in a scalding shower and scrub your skin to remove the feeling of filth.
There's also the rape kit to contend with. Imagine your body and clothing being culled as evidence. Yeah. CSI My crotch. Even more intrusive (for me) was getting jabbed in the buttocks with a tetanus shot and being forced to take the morning-after pill. Merely routine, they told me. Not for me, it wasn't.
Paralyzed by Fear
My particular rape was perpetrated by a total stranger who cut the screen of my girlfriend's second floor apartment. I was spending the night with her after a fun evening hearing live music. This was before the era of cell phones. He did make sure we understood he would cut our throats and the phone line if we didn't cooperate.
The specifics of what he demanded and how we finally got him out of the apartment are irrelevant. Well, not irrelevant, but irrelevant to this hub. The important thing is he left, we ran upstairs to safety and called the police, and (blessedly) they sent both a male and a female officer.
I remember the police drilling into us (in prep for the grand jury hearing) the mantra "paralyzed with fear." As in, "Yhy didn't you go and check on your friend in the other room?" "I was paralyzed with fear." "Why didn't you rush him and run out?" "We were paralyzed with fear." Etc.
Surely we were paralyzed with something similar to fear for about 3 days following the rape. We retreated to my apartment where we alternately slept, drank copious amounts of wine, and chain smoked cigarettes. When we finally got up the courage to go back over to her apartment we were shivering. Irrational as we knew it was, we expected to find "him" waiting for us there.
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The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-By-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault
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Don't Move
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The Rape of Nanking: The Forgotten Holocaust of World War II
Price: $6.38
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Rape: The Aftermath
Our case had a happy ending. Our rapist went to prison. Notwithstanding, my friend insisted the landlord install metal bars on her windows. She never felt completely at ease in her apartment again.
We both received rape counseling. I don't remember it being particularly effective. But then again, I had a pretty strong denial system working for me in those days.
So how did this experience affect my sex life? For me, I'd have to say it didn't. But my friend was traumatized for a long time.
Rape and Self-Esteem
As I said above, my rape was in many ways "best case scenario." I didn't get beat up, I didn't get pregnant. I didn't have to worry for more than about 5 seconds if or what I might have done to bring this on myself.
But most rape victims don't get away so easy. The rape itself is degrading enough. Too often the victim gets dragged through the mud all over again. Her reputation may become tarnished (think college campus). Her sexual history may be put on trial by the defense (think Kobe Bryant). Even family and friends may come at her with surprisingly caustic "analyses" of what she must have done "wrong" or even why doesn't she just get "over it" and "move on."
There's no doubt self-esteem takes a hit. Whatever you were before the rape, you now have a new identity: RAPE VICTIM. The key is whether you allow this new label to define you long-term or if you do everything in your power to heal and move on.
If you are in a sexual relationship when the rape occurs, it may take time for you and your partner to re-establish pre-rape intimacy. Don't be surprised if your first time back in the saddle brings up a range of emotions. Be gentle with yourself.
If you are not in a partnership, you have the choice to tell or not tell future partners about your rape -- including full vs. partial disclosure of the gory details.
Jody Foster as Rape Victim
Rape vs. Abuse
Now it is true that women who endure systematic sexual (or even emotional or physical) abuse from men can become hyper-sexual as a result. It's not uncommon for exotic dancers and prostitutes (for example) to report being abused in their pasts. Turning the tables on men, so to speak, is a way to regain their sexual power.
Promiscuity is also a common response to abuse. Girls who grow up equating their self-esteem with allowing men to "have them" sexually often repeat this pattern as adults. It's what they know.
But these examples represent responses to established patterns. Rape is different. Rape is a one-time shock to the system. Yes, it's horrible. It's violent. And it does involve sex -- unwanted, unbidden sex. But does it alter the victim's basic view of her sexuality? Short term, absolutely. Long term, I'd argue that rape does not make women promiscuous. If anything, it may make us more circumspect and reserved about our sexuality.
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THE GENERALS DAUGHTER
Price: $14.50
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The Opposite Reaction = Promiscuity
Although it was not my personal reaction, promiscuity can be a reaction to a brutal rape. Several commentors have noted this, so I am hereby amending my hub to include it.
Last night I watched a disturbing movie called "The General's Daughter" based on a book by Nelson DeMille. I don't wish to give away the twisty ending, but suffice to say, it involves a gang rape and the victim's subsequent response. It's a bit over-the-top in terms of the Freudian aspects, but does raise an interesting point about how others' reactions to the victim's experience can make or break her recovery. Boyfriends, husbands, family members, counselors and clergy -- take note!
A Sad Response All Around
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The General's Daughter
Price: $4.00
List Price: $9.98 |
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The General's Daughter
Price: $6.99
List Price: $19.99 |
What Do You Think?
Does Rape Impact Sexuality?
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Comments
Thanks, Lori. Again, I got off a lot easier than my friend. It was her apartment and that made a huge difference. There are a million scenarios in which I put myself at risk (back when I was a wild child). I'm just fortunate that the rape didn't occur as a result of my recklessness. It could easily have back in those days!
Rape is a loss -- and grief is the natural reaction. It's also a violent crime. It's easy to get stuck in "why" and wanting vindication/justice. But that won't help you process and move forward with your life. Help is out there. I hope all rape victims get it.
Thank you for an accurate, factual, and informative piece. I attempted for over 12 years to build a romantic partnership with a man who was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (and the Catholic church). It was like nailing jello to a tree.
Here are a couple of poems I wrote about it:
AN AFFAIR OF THE HEARThttp://www.associatedcontent.com/article/983196/an//www.associatedcontent.com/article/977438/apocolyptien.html?cat=42
The effects of rape and sexual abuse may run very, very deep and affect many or even all aspects of life. I finally gave up on this man. He had a defense for everything, no matter how good.
Oh dear, I'm sorry those links turned out so badly. Let me try again!
Thanks, JMS (that's my abbrev. for Justmesuzanne). I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Even sorrier to hear about his. Anytime sexual abuse involves children that just compounds all of the problems and makes it very unlikely the victim will ever function normally as an adult -- without lots and lots of therapy. And when we're also talking about the abuse of trust/power of a person we are supposed to look to for guidance (a teacher, priest, coach, etc.) that makes it even more horrible.
I dated a man for about 18 months who had abuse issues in his family. His sister's way of coping was to eat herself into obesity and become a lesbian (ok, becoming a lesbian may not have been a choice -- but I seem to remember him telling me she had been straight at one point). He also had some pretty strange sexual issues. I never did find out the details of what had occurred. But you could just tell that beneath the surface of this "perfect" family was something really dysfunctional. I got out quickly.
You are very brave to write this hub. I remember on our college campus several college students were raped in the early nineties, which resulted in many warnings that we should always use the after hours escort service. One man was even raped by two men, which goes to show both genders should be careful. From what I heard they never found any of the perpetrators, and some people felt as if they were being treated unfairly when they came forward. I cannot speak personally about these cases because I did not know the individuals that were attacked, but word was out about campus that people that knew those who had been attacked felt not enough had been done to make the campus secure. One girl's mom called the campus to let them know her daughter had been raped on the fourth floor of the library, but she did not want to come forward because she felt nothing would be done. I would want to come forward if someone did this to me, but I can understand some may be hesitant. It has been a few years since I graduated, but I hope this situation has improved. Thanks for your informative hub.
Mighty Mom Great u hav done nice job
Andy Naslas
34 Male
Welcome, Joula_Vegh. Thank you for commenting.
SwPie, see. The situation you describe is the polar opposite of my rape. It must be so difficult to have to stay on campus watching out everywhere not knowing if someone else will be victimized -- or if you will be victimized for coming forward, only to have the perpetrator go free. I encourage you to read "Lucky" by Alice Seybold" which is about a camput rape. Her first book, "The Lovely Bones" is (IMO) even better, but I just adore her writing.
Thanks for commenting!
very brave for writing about this mm - it is hard to take a step back and evaluate something that was/is completely out of one's control - and as you say it is a "power driven crime" and perpetuated by a bullying and a cowardly person who in your case luckily ended up in court. and enjoyed years in jail I hope. thanks cheers.
Well u hav nice topic here i hope to see u soon with some thing hot here....
MM, well I am stuck for words, Iv'e been back here 4 times.
Everything I try to write is cliche. This is not a subject to be trivialised, all I want to do is give you a great big Hug and tell you everything is going to be OK. So next time hubby comes close tell him to give you a big fox hug on Ag's behalf.
Good hub! I'm glad to say it doesn't effect my sexlife anymore. It did the first six months. But the worst thing for me after the second time(and sometimes it still is) is when I am on my own on the street at night or in the evening.
MM, thank you for writing this great hub. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who never discuss this at all (i'm one of em). I'm so happy to hear that you handled it in the way you did and that the person went to jail.
I think my biggest regret after being raped by two men was not reporting it. I still wonder how many other women they may have raped because I didn't do the right thing. These two men were tag team rapists, they worked together, and they ended up hurting me so badly that I had to be catheterized a day later to relieve my bladder.
But the point of your hub is how it affects a person's sexuality afterwards, and I don't even remember. I only remember being very angry and untrusting.
*Cyber hugs to Mighty Mom* :)
PS: Having major computer problems here, so if nobody sees me around, then that's why.
MM this was a brave hub, I'm glad you wrote it. I grew up in the era in which a woman who was raped better be a 90 year old nun locked up in her convent room at the time of the crime or else all the stigma was on her. I survived a brutal gang rape in my late teens that my parents refused to prosecute because they knew the perpetrators and were afraid, and because they felt that reporting it would 'bring shame on our family.'
Weirdly, it wasn't that bad because I had amnesia for the actual event for many years. When it all did come flooding back I had to contend with severe panic reactions for years and years while I dutifully trotted off to a therapist once a week. I'm pretty happy today and I don't have any PTSD symptoms or problems now and haven't for about a decade, but the five or six years I spent in treatment for it were some of the most painful of my life. What was strangest of all was how unreal it all felt, and how long it took to just accept it and move on--I was literally the last to know what happened in my own life--everyone else knew it all along. I'd remember a piece of it, shove it out of my head, remember another piece, poof make it go away. It's weird to be a stranger to yourself, and even weirder trying to glue all these busted up pieces of yourself back together over a period of years.Then after all that, there was the matter of the still free and still around rapists, and my relationship to my family, especially my folks, to sort out. Ugh.
I've thought many times of writing about it, but it's so horrible--I think, God, who would read it? And then too, what would it do to me? Could I write it and not re-experience it? I think at this stage of my life I could--yet I don't. My parter encourages me to do it, but even he has quit pushing me to write it, since he can clearly see it still gets to me after all these years. Not emotionally so much anymore--it's just the feeling of wanting to enjoy what's left of my life and not think about THAT anymore. But then, sometimes I think, maybe it would help someone else, and then I feel guilty for not writing it.
Sexual crimes are still rarely spoken about openly or disclosed even to friends. Partly I think that is because women who have been the targets of these crimes are very anxious to forget them and move on and feel good again, but partly it is because people don't know how to act or what to say or do. It's overwhelming and unwelcome information for most folks, so you learn early on to keep it to yourself.
Great hub, thanks.
{{{Pam}}} I know what you're saying. After making a simple and guarded comment about my own experience, I walked away from my computer feeling a rush of things that I simply don't want to feel and I really don't want to think about it at all. Only you know if you should write about your experience. I think what you've already shared is a big help to others.
If there is one bit of advice that I would now give to any rape victim, it would be to report it no matter what the circumstances are. And I'm not talking directly about you Pam, you were very young and at the mercy of your parents. In my case, I was in my mid 20's, and I could have done something.
I think the biggest problem (for me) is that initial stage of feeling numb, like it isn't or wasn't real. If the anger stage would come first, then maybe I would have handled it differently.
Very honest account - thank you Mighty Mom :o).
Dear friends and fellow rape survivors. Thank you for bringing your own experiences and reactions to the public of HP. In reading some of your very painful recounts, I remain stolidly convinced I had the "dream rape" of all rapes. But your responses really underscore the universality of our reaction. It is so surreal. Pam, that "feeling numb" rings so true. I chose to keep myself numbed for years and years in one way or another. Not just from the rape, but from everything in my life I was too immature to handle.
Truly, I did not set out to write a sage of MM's rape. I answered a request on a specific topic of rape leading to promiscuity. But I find it always makes things feel/sound more genuine when the details are your own, you know?
My heart and solidarity goes out to each of you strong and brave women. And Ag, you are a true pal and I just love you to bits for that. Don't cry for me Mr. Down Under. I'm a Nietzsche gal thru and thru. If it hasn't killed me yet, it's only made me stronger!
Final comment re: writing about your experience. I personally find the very act of writing cathartic. And, because this topic is so raw, I have NO doubt that if any of you rape survivors were to share your own stories, they would find willing audiences.
I do apologize for dredging up painful memories. Sometimes it's a good reality check to dip a little toe in the water to see if it's still scalding hot or if it has cooled some over time, ya know?
MM,
thanks for sharing your experience for advancement of understanding of the subject.
This is a difficult subject and you handled it very well. I think Pam is right, beyond the trauma of the victims, the family and friends have no clue how to handle it. I mean, who prepares for that?
This took massive courage to write. I salute you. (And Pam, I know jack-crap about this, but I have to say, in my guts it reads like you have moved past it. Can't see how dredging it up would help.)
MM--
I'm glad you wrote this. I won't apologize for reading some things 'not' as satire and commenting seriously on some previous hubs (Mr. Shadesbreath, ahem, above), though, yes, I understand you are far from a raging sexist and your articles, etc., show a very intelligent, humanitarian streak.
I do not pretend to understand this in a personal way--just as someone who strongly supports human rights across the board, and as someone who knows talking/writing about it seriously promotes understanding.
Thanks, Mr. Shades. It was not a hub I felt a burning desire to get off my chest. Was merely responding to a query. Do women become promiscuous after being raped? My experience -- seeming to be echoed by others -- is NO. If anything, it really messes up your sex life, at least for awhile.
I feel kinda bad I've dredged up traumatic memories for my friends Pam, Pam and Lazur and others who have been there. Great to get support from men like you and Ag, tho. Perhaps today we move back into lighter territory:-)
Hi Lita. No, this hub is not intended as satire. Although if/when I write the play-by-play of the actual rape experience, I will write it with comedic elements. Because it HAD comedic elements. Example: What kind of dumb-assed rapist drops his wallet in victim's apartment (where she cleverly hid it in the piano seat for the cops). What kind of rapist demands to take a six-pack of beer with him -- which the cops find (covered with victim's fingerprints, natch) in his apartment 20 mins later. I mean come on!
MM - I read your piece...left...read it again...left...read it again...and decided I have to leave some sort of comment. But you are right and so are others when it comes to knowing what to say when it comes to "uncomfortable topics."
I'm not ready to go into any details regarding my experiences, but i just wanted to let you know I thought you made a direct hit in describing the impact and realistic expectations afterward. And...in pointing out the repercussive differences between rape and sexual abuse in a sensitive manner.
Mighty Mom,
I was looking for a new book to read, so I will check those out.
Hi Spryte, Don't know what to say in response to your sensitive comment. Obviously you have personal experiences in the areas of rape and sexual abuse. All to many women do. Glad to have you as a kind and kindred spirit! Hugs, MM
Mighty Mom, you're indeed a very thoughtful person, please don't feel badly. You've handled a very delicate subject wonderfully, and I'm thankful to you and others who have bravely talked about their experience. I've never even tried to talk about this before, but I can see how it can be helpful. Sometimes we work so hard to keep ugly things buried, but in reality they need to somehow be released.
You're really right on about things like this making a person stronger. It's true. Life isn't always rainbows and roses, and how we handle the bad crap builds true strength of character.
This reminds me of a line from the last Rocky movie where Rocky is talking to his son about being a winner...I have to use my own words because I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something like, "Winning isn't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, then get back up, and keep going."
It's wasn't the best movie in the world, but that one line was worth the 90 minutes I spent watching it. ;)
You're so right, Pam. An essential (read: life-saving) thing I have learned is how damaging it is to bury ickiness inside. We may think we're being strong, but we're really poisoning ourselves by swallowing unpleasant memories like that.
I like youre Rocky quote. Very apt. A friend I know says this: "People used to tell me God would never gave me more than I could handle. But after my quadruple bypass surgery I realized God absolutely gives me more than I can handle -- thus insuring my continued dependence on Him." Good stuff.
WOW! MM, I love the twist your friend put on that saying! I've, at times, been put off when someone throws that saying at me because there are times, and we've all been there, when it seems like every single aspect of life is beating you to death. Times like that provoke me into being a little sassy with God, which I'm sure he doesn't appreciate, but now I can reflect on what you've shared and smile instead of getting all sassy. :) Thanks for sharing that, it's indeed inspirational.
Shadesbreath--I do believe I've moved past it, which is why I guess I don't spend much energy on it anymore or spend much (if any) time writing about it either--and that feels great BTW. I hope if I ever manage to write a book it's on a happier topic. I'd like to write a sci-fi novel.
MM--It's sad how many women have personal stories and how easily it's all dredged up. THings really are much better now than when I was young though--thank God. Not perfect, but much better. Thanks again.
It was very brave of you to publish this hub. I think it depends on the person, but it can definately effect you sexually. It can haunt someone for the rest of their lives, but ONLY if you let it. Your right it's a rage and power thing. Woman need to take their power back. Im glad he got his punishment and is serving time. You must be so strong. Thank you for this hub
It truly is hard to know what comment to make on such a personal hub topic as this MM, but I do feel you have been incredibly brave opening up about what happened, and also giving others on here the confidence to tell of their experiences also. Just knowing others in your circle of friends have been through such an ordeal as well must be truly comforting for all concerned, even those who feel they are now over the worst of the experience they endured. Well done as always for being so strong.
Pam and Pam, glad to provide any amount of therapeutic whatever. You both seem to me to be well adjusted (at least from waht I see from your writing and comments). Miss G, welcome here. Glad to have new women to share the sistahood with!
Misty, guess I still have more processing to do on this issue. I really don't think of this hub as being personal in the slightest. I wrote it in response to a request. It was an opportunity to express my opinion and possibly set someone's head straight about what happens to a woman's sexuality after rape. Then again, there are hundreds of requests. So I guess I chose this one because I do have some personal experience to bring to light on the subject.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. This occurred in 1985. To me, it's a really, really old scar that hardly even shows or itches anymore. Meanwhile, as you can see from my other hubs, there are plenty of other HUGE life traumas in my current world that trouble me way more than the rape ever did. Maybe that's maturity (?)
Anyway, I do thank everyone for coming and sharing on this topic. Sharing is healing.
As to be expected M&M, a well constructed assessment. Thank you for this interesting and important article.
Reid
Somehow, a response of "my pleasure" seems not only inadequate, but somehow wrong. But I do thank you for stopping by and commenting, Mr. Basso!
I am so happy that you are now able to talk about this and sahre it with others, as doing this helps other heals and realize that they are not alone. :)
Thanks, Mighty Mom.
Reading about your experiences really makes the topic more real to me, and helps me to understand how rape can affect one person. In particular, I now have a better understanding of the different effect rape can have on adult victims vs. victims of child sexual abuse.
Reading everyone else's coments have helped clarify this horriffic phenomenon in my mind I think it's important for victims and non-victims alike to realize that, as you said, "One rape does not fit all."
A moving and thought-provoking hub.
Thank you AEvans. It's kinda funny. I don't feel I have been reticent to talk about my rape -- but have never written about it publicly. Would probably not have even thought to do so if I hadn't seen the request on HP!
Sterling Sage, I'm not sure if I'm glad my hub made the topic more real to you or not! But anything that sensitizes people to experiences they might not themselves understand or feel compassion for is always good. So thanks for sharing your reaction!
What a thoughtful, sensitive, and informative hub. Thanks so much for sharing this information. It's difficult to comprehend the heartbreak of rape, but you have done a great job of describing its implications for the victim.
Thank you Kate for stopping by and commenting. Victim is not a label I personally choose to wear. But I am keenly aware many (even most) rape victims don't have that ability.
What a wonderful hub, Mighty Mom. Excellent advice for both those who have lived through the trauma, and those close to them struggling to understand how to make them feel better.
wow what a find a honest brave inspiring lady kudos brave heart my heart felt thanks
Why thank you kindly, tinyteddy. You strike me as a soulful man. Glad to share my experiencce when it strikes a chord with readers!
I totally agree with your statement that Rape victims don't come forward due to the reputation of the victim/their families is concerned. In India the cross examination by the lawyers is sometimes more torturing than the actual act.
I don't know some people can be so myopic not to see the consequences of their actions. A few seconds of their act can bring so much tragedy in others and their lives. If someone is having Psychological problems which instigates them into committing such acts then even they should have counselling not just rape victims hence avoiding any repeats.
When I was studying in India during my undergrad days at that time stayed with my parents hence had no such issues. When I was doing my MS here in US I always managed to schedule a group of girls or some boy we could trust to walk us home from the campus. In your case there was nothing that could have been done and feel sorry that you were helpless being held at knife point. I hope you & your friend aren't scarred and have loving relationships with men in your lives.
I wrote a hub about my rape too. I did have the poromescuitti afterwards, but only for a short time and then I wouldn;t let anyone touch me for months. I am still in a sort of amnesia about the time of my rape. I still only know that it was between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that is all. I wish we could group all these hubs together so that we all cam be of help to one another. My hub is How My Rape Brought Me Into The Light.
What you lose is your sense of trust for others and it is something of a boundary isssue too. To this day my bubble or boundary is like 3 feet and if a man comes closer I will back up.
I really can't think of anything to say that wouldn't sound cliche. I'm just sorry that that had to happen to you and your friend.
I wonder how rape and the new growing demographic of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism) and D/s (Dominance and sumbission) relationships coorelate to childhood sexual trauma? i know that rape scenarios are a common fantasy for many woman....is this denial working its magic....the mind sexualizing a traumantic experience and turning into a "healthy" coping mechanism (hopefully). I wonder if there have been studies done on this potential coorelation.
Thank you for this hub and for being honest.
Well, Rape has never been one of my dreams or fantasizing----even before my rape. How about the rest of you?
Hi LG, Thank you for sharing this very personal trauma. It's interesting to me that you can see a person differently once you know this about their history. I would have had no idea from reading your frequent comments! Now I will definitely go and read your hub. And yes, it's a great idea to group hubs of like content together...
Ray, so sweet of you to take the time to comment. I know that this subject makes men very uncomfortable. Well, let me amend that. It makes good, decent men uncomfortable. Glad to have you here as one of the latter.
Goldenchild. I am sure there are studies somewhere to be found on this subject. I'm with Lady Guinevere tho. Rape has never been my fantasy either before or after. My uneducated guess would be that one of two things would happen if you are the victim of sexual trauma as a child. You would either grow up to be submissive, or grow up to be dominant in an effort to overcome that trauma. It's an interesting theory. Not sure I'm up for writing a hub about it -- how about you tho???
Hy ladies, I did attract my experience by reading the books about rape and by fearing of that. It was my second sexual experience. Could not enjoy sex for years afterwords, and was changing the partners because of bad feelings about myself. I have started to use it in fantasy (but with my real partner not the rapist) in order to overcome trauma, but many years after that happening.
Anyhow, now I do not feel as victim any more, nor I would not want that anybody see me like that: that was just life-experience what majority of woman have on one way or the other: in marriage, relationship or outside that. Sexual urge of men differs from ours, obviously.
Feeling as victim always attracts agressors to close the circle, with feelings as victim, we create some kind of agression again. I found out it is the best to heal that experience. Today, it is just a pale picture without emotions.
People need to discuss a lot among themselves about differency between male and female sexuality and work hard to stop the war between sexes: mutual understanding and respect will help to heal that problems, gradually.
Today I am in great relationship and enjoying my sexuality with love and passion.
You have my deep compassion, love, understanding and respect.
Beautiful, powerful words from a beautiful, strong woman. So glad to know you have moved beyond feeling a victim and are enoying a loving and passionate relationship! Cheers. MM
Being raped by a so called friend or stranger is something I have not had happened to me so I can't comment on the feeling of being raped. But I will comment on those people that can commit such a horrific crime. When they are caught they need to be put in jail regardless if this is a first time criminal act. First time offenders need to be put in jail for about 10 to 15 years, second time offenders should be put in jail for 20-25 years the ones that commit 3 or more should have their penis cut off and put in jail for until they are about 70 years old. The person that violates another person should not have any rights and when put in jail, they need to be placed in a cell with nothing, no tv, radio, no book to read, nothing to write on. They should only have the bare necessities to eat. They need to sit and think about what they did and why.
Thank you for commenting, Sherry. I agree with you, rapists are cowards and need to be should be dealt with harshly. And I truly hope you never have to endure the trauma of rape personally. Cheers, MM
rape is an evil act and i hate those who commit such crime! put them behind bars!
Hi mariane, yes, it's difficult to understand what would possess someone to use sexual force on a fellow human being. Men sometimes have very messed up views and take their frustrations out on women. I'm in favor of all women getting self-defense training! And yes, it sure would be great if all rapists were caught, tried, found guilty and put away to keep them from hurting others. We can dream! Thanks for stopping by. MM
You are a brave and noble woman, MM. I have recently come to know well the traumatization of a serious, life-threatening incident. I know our experiences are not the same, but I certainly identified with much of what you wrote. My resulting fears and traumas are not something I would feel comfortable writing about in a public forum. What I DID write about was difficult enough.
Good for you, Lady M!
Well hey there, CW! Where've you been hiding? Out for a long walk? You raise an excellent point that serious life-threatening traumas do have commonalities. I believe we all suffer -- at least temporarily -- from PTSD.
Anyway, I'm so glad we both lived through our ordeals and are here to share and find support from each other and our hubber friends! Cheers and welcome back. MM
Thanks, MM. I'm glad, too!
I haven't been gone, just trying to get a handle on this whole PTSD thing... and come out of it on top. Better than I was before. I'm determined, dammit!
It's more intimidating than I would have thought.
PTSD is something that takes time! Give yourself time CW. Love yourself and care about yourself first. Don't worry how you may think you look or feel.just give yourself permission to heal and you will do it. I just sent you some healing light to encompass your whole body.
Thank you, Lady G. Much appreciated.
I look the same and I think that helps (except for sometimes walking like I've had a couple good drinks). It's the thoughts and emotions that have been altered... ... Enhanced?
Great Hub. Very heartfelt and many people need to know about this. If this has happened to others, they need to know they are not alone and it's okay to feel the way they do. Thanks, MM.
HI LG, Thanks for the link. CW -- hope you read it and found it helpful. Heck, maybe we should start a PTSD forum (not kidding).
Thanks also RelSol1. Nice to have you here and I am glad you got something out of my experience. It is always ok to have feelings. It's what we do with them that matters...
Well MM. what are you waiting for with the forum. We can all add our hubs we wrote about out experiences.
Hi LG, I'll wait and see if Constant Walker feels like opening up about his PTSD. Mostly these days (heading into Thanksgiving) I'm more in the mood to keep it light. Speaking of which, I see you SPEED POSTED what -- about 5 YUMMY sounding recipes!
yes! I was digging in my recipes that I have on my computer and found those and posted them.
might mom...you have installed the coolest pic on the cover of your hub...By George!!! its a naked women...!!!...but wait...well...No its not!!!. pretty cute...pylos26
Hi,
You have so aptly defined rape- it is It's a crime of RAGE and POWER. It's an overpowering of a woman using sexual force as the weapon. Going by this definition, most often- rape or sexual abuse happens inside of a marriage. But society does not look at it in that way, many men think it is the moral duty or obligation of the wife to satisy their carnal needs, whether she is up to it or not. Many couples have at some point in time gone through this power play, but they will not bring it up, as it is not recognised as rape.
A woman may give in to the physical demands made by her husband, thinking she must, it is a part of marriage after all, she may have angry thoughts about the whole thing, but not be able to express it.
Friends, call me unrealistic if you want. But I refuse to even read about this terrible, Terrible act of Human Selfishness. Being abused myself as a child, I can imagine what people go through in this type or any other type of sexual abuse.
I really can't even comment much about it, all I would do is pray.
However, this hub has just inspired me to write a hub on a topic I became a pro at. That is the art of self defense, awareness and the right attitude needed so something like this can be avoided. On this topic I am well qualified.. Look out for my up and coming hub.
Peace, Love, Life, Health, Happiness.... JosephDiego
Pylos26 -- Hey, it got past the censors. I think they must see its relevance to the topic:-).
Vibhavari, you are so right. Husbands CAN rape their wives and it's not a crime. Only when the wife "snaps" from too many incidents and turns around and kills him is it a crime. Women are NOT property. But I won't go there today!
Joseph, I am really coming to cherish your strength and your attitude. I really look forward to reading your hub. Thanks for offering to share. MM
Excellent hub mightymom! This is not an easy subject to talk about, much less write about. Unfortunately, this is happening one too many times. Not only is it wrong, it is a terrible experience that woman should ever have to go thru. It is unbelievable that our society has gotten down to this demented level of morality! It is not fair that anyone should be subjected to this horrific crime.
marketingmergenow
Hi Marketingmergenow, many thanks for your thoughts. As I've said above, I wouldn't even have thought to write this if it hadn't been a request... But I agree that rape is a horrible experience. Cultures that allow it or encourage it make me really angry. I am now a big proponent of women learning self-defense...
HI MM - I followed you you today - didn't realise I'd come upon a hub that would touch me so much. I've always felt it was so wrong when the first reaction of most people was: Now what could she have done to deserve that? So cruel and callous.
You are one incredible lady!
both my best friends, my sisters and my cousin have all been raped. this is an issue of humanity, i have often taken a few moments to ponder the true depths of moral depravity one would have to stoop to in order to incur such intense psychological duress upon a fellow human being. the disturbing thing i have realized is that wretched things will go on for as long as we let them (holocaust, darfur, etc.) but the only thing stopping people from taking action is coming to full understanding of the brevity of these situations. rape is rarely spoken about and i commend you for taking this subject by the horns. nicely done.n there is a thing that people from all walks of life and race and religion need to realize- people will only do what they are taught. the problem with our society is that it shows actions without consequence, take for example, mainstream media: the formula for a hit television show is the following 1) copious amounts of flesh being shown in order to stimulate the viewers palate, 2) sexual escapades right and left 3) a plot that revolves around people living in the moment. NOW please, do not think that i am saying anyone having sex is wrong or that people cannot dress how they please, im all for it. im all for personal identity and i find that when media portrays lets say sex as a easy come easy go kinda thing, rarely stressing the need for safety precautions then i believe society has failed itself. why equip people with false realities. point being, rape is wrong and yet so many people have gone through it and some will never speak about it because they think thats that. no, we as a nation and as a world need to start addressing humanitarian issues on a scope broader than our own borders. "injustice shall shut its mouth". sorry i rambled i just care pretty deeply about this subject.
Hi Shalini! Hi Bekacowper, thank you both for your thoughtful comments. You know, I have to wonder if the cruel and callous reaction is people's way of processing something that is just too horrible for them to face.
Bekacowper, you're right (unfortunately). People do what they are taught. And what society allows them to do. And there is a horrible double standard of treatment of certain segments of the population. Rape has been around since the dawn of mankind. I would like to say we have evolved to a point where women are more higly valued, but obviously that is far from the case.
Sorry to hear about the sadness in your circle of female friends and relatives. My heart goes out to each of them. MM
You are a MIGHTY STRONG Woman. I Salute You.
Rape is a major crime and affects victim and victim's family tremendously. I am from India and here the scenario is same, but its effects are major. Sexual crime is rising here as most part of world. I think it effects most negatively than any other crime. My one friend's sister was in a local train unfortunately she was alone and got gang raped. I and mine friend were 10 years of age and we know her as a sad girl with no simile at all. We were wonders about her. But after some years my friend know the whole story and then he give his life for searching the rapists and then killed 3 of them and now he is in crime industry.
Interesting hub :) . I think that rape is done by those man that are incapable to communicate well with women and in general, therefore they don't have women in their lives and no sex. So they're sick of masturbating all the time and so they see a good momma on the street or wherever and they rape her. It's all a problem of self esteem. If a raper would have improved himself and would have solved his issues then, he would have got women in his life and as a result he would have been happy and no rapes would have been occured :D
That is not totally true! My rapist was married and had a son and his wife just gave birth to another son within that month! It has NOTHING to do with SEX or anything like that. It is strictly power over a woman to make themselves feel superior in some way.
I sure hope that you are joking and if so this is not a joking matter. I, for one, am disgusted with what you said.
Thank you DrRakesh and razvan_razvan. I am so sorry to hear that rape is a rising crime in India. That doesn't fit well with the image of women as self-sufficient. I do wonder what is causing that uptick. Your description of the sad girl who never smiled -- very poignant.
razvan_razvan. I appreciate your ideas. I do believe lack of self-esteem has to do with it. But as Lady Guenevere pointed out, it is not that rapists don't get sex from the women in their lives (even though as you point out, some may not have that healthy sexual outlet). The man who rapes has serious issues of self-control and anger against women. It is a horrific crime. And not all victims are by any stretch "hot mammas" -- grandmas can be raped, too. I also agree that happy men do not resort to rape!
Mighty Mom,
Thank you so much for baring your soul this way. I have a close friend, who I've known since she was about 11 or 12 and my husband and I would pick her up on the church bus. After knowing her for about a year, she disclosed that she was being molested by her stepfather. It lasted from the time she was 8 until she was 12.
Today, she is 27 and going through a divorce, partially because her husband could not handle the emotional after-effects of what happened to her. He was of the "get over it already" mentality and just didn't understand why certain things he would want her to do would make her uncomfortable.
She regularly comes to me for advice, and I've done my best to help her. She hasn't had therapy (though I've recommended it repeatedly) and I don't know that she ever will.
She's tried stuffing her feelings deep inside and ignoring them. That obviously hasn't worked. Now, she's at a point where she really wants to process what happened and get some healing for herself. But she's not comfortable going to a therapist.
If you could recommend only one book that would somewhat help her work through this, to get past feeling like the victim and achieve some peace and healing, what would it be? Perhaps I can get it for her as a Christmas present.
Obviously a book won't make everything better. But any steps forward for her would be a big change. Do you have any advice or recommendations?
Thanks again for sharing this. I wish every partner of a former victim would read it. God bless you.
I don't mean to cut in here but I can tell you why she doesn't want to go to counseling--because she wants to leave it in the past. Being a friend is the best thing you can do. Listen to her as many times as she talks about it--THAT is the healing. My fisrt husband was the same way as your friend's. He kep telling me to shut off the waterworks and get over it.
I would like to now what book Mighty Mom refers too.
Lady Guinevere - I'm trying to better understand so I can be of more assistance when she calls me. When you say she wants to leave it in the past - how does that mesh with needing to talk about it? When it all happened, and for several years afterward, she'd bring it up but then say it "didn't matter". She very obviously just shoved her feelings inside and tried to ignore them. Can you leave something like this in the past if you don't go through the stages of grief that Mighty Mom mentioned?
I feel at such a loss with her. I truly want to help, but feel I'm over my head a lot of the time. I know that just listening and telling her I love her and being encouraging are very helpful. And I know I'll never be able to "fix it" for her. But still, I wish I could offer more.
Anyway, thanks for "jumping in!"
When she brings it up and then says that it doesn't matter, tell her that it does and is important to wash those wounds out. Tell her she must open them up first so they can heal. It is VERY difficult to do this though because it is in this society that it is the women's fault---no matter how hard we try there will still be those who tell us otherwise. I had three clergy tell me that it was all my fault and I deserved it--so that was very hard to talk to anyone after that.
In my experience pushing it all inside eventually came out----I think of it like a volcano--you can push things so deep inside that you don't know how deep and then one day that volcano will erupt. I know that you are trying. When she calls you and want to talk try as hard as you can to tell her that she can talk about it with you and don't give her a time limit. Don't let her open up only to close so fast. Get her to talk--prompt her to talk about it.
Do you share a friend or do you have a frined that is a counselor? That may be helpful for you to get some questions answered for yourself in helping her.
There are lots of places on the internet that you can gt some help. I will try to get some for you later. I am going to be going out in a few, but will have something by tomorrow monring to post here.
Great big hugs to yu. I didn't have a freind that I could talk to and I am so glad that your friend has one.
This one has a place whare you can get answers to your questions:
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/sexual_abuse.htm
This has a nessage boards and other help:
http://www.welcometobarbados.org/friends.html
Here is another good site with symptoms and lots more information:
http://allpsych.com/journal/sexualabuse.html
This is a great site:
http://allpsych.com/journal/sexualabuse.html
Got to go will do more later. I hope this gets you started.
Hi Lisa, Hi LG, I'm just logging in sporadically today. I am so glad that LG is being of help to you -- and by extension, to your friend, Lisa. My heart goes out to her and also to you, because it's clear you are trying to do everything you can but also that you are aware of your own limits. Being a concerned friend is one level of support. But a trained counselor can help her process at a different level that we just can't get to. Even a support group specifically for victims of sexual abuse would be good for her -- at least everyone there is wrestling with the same issues. And those issues too often include the unhelpful attitudes of family, husbands, clergy, etc. who tell us the WRONG thing.
You asked me what book I would recommend. A wonderful therapist recommended to me "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It is published by Health Communications, Inc. www.hcibooks.com.
My other suggestion -- which is also included in his book, is a Twelve Step program. Not knowing if your friend is abusing alcohol or drugs, I can tell you that your description of her "stuffing" her feelings is all too familiar. The process of healing that comes with recovery is nothing short of miraculous. There are 12 Step programs for all kinds of behaviors -- I'm wondering if Al Anon, in which the participants are powerless of the actions of others (in her case, her abuser) would be appropriate.
I also hope these links helpfully provided by Lady Guinevere will offer some ideas for you. Wishing you peace, MM
wow! How courageous! to share both your tramua, and your gift of writing! Thanks!
To Mighty mom and the readers..
I said that I will write a hub on self Defense. However I was hit by something just as important, so I wrote another article first. http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-are-there-people-in-Am
And yes the topic does relate with this hub. You see in my recovery from substance abuse, one of the most important things suggested to me was, to get out of myself and help others.
And "Yes" It has helped me so much. Help other people who have gone through the same experience as you. Not only does it help the receiver but it also helps the giver, just as much or even more.
I have had a commitment at the local jail for 3 years now. This is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.. There are times when I walk out of there in tears because I am filled with such fulfillment, gratitude and a natural high that can never be reached with any drug or drink. Give it a shot, you will be surprised...
Peace, Love, Life, Health, Happiness and Lavish Abundance... JosephDiego
Hi Joseph, Sounds like you and I have been through similar experiences -- self-destruction into recovery. I so agree with you there is NOTHING like service to keep us grounded in what's real. I go to a women's recovery home every week and to the local psychiatric hospital 1x a month to bring in 12 step meetings. I really look forward to getting out of myself by giving back! I can't wait to check out your hub. Cheers and wishing you all those good things right back. MM
I just wrote a hub this morning that encompasses all this sharing too. I ti http://hubpages.com/hub/How-Have-You-Shared-Your-L
Here you go Mighty Mom..http://hubpages.com/hub/Defend-Yourself-101
Please tell me what you think. I always pray for the Gods words to flow through my fingers.. I did keep it simple...
I'm a rape survivor and I must disagree with some of what you say due to my experience. I was sixteen years old when I was beaten and raped by two strange men in their 30's. They violated and hurt me in a ways I never thought possible. I was a virgin up to this point and their actions destroyed and killed every ounce of innocence, self respect, and trust I had in the world. I dealt with my emotional trauma by partying and drinking the pain away with alcohol. This led to me being put in many situations where I was too intoxicated to control my surroundings. Out of fear I let them do what they wanted to me because it was so much easier to give myself away sexually then it was to try and fight it and be beaten and raped again. I became very promiscuous and engaged in risky behavior. It wasn't until I was raped by a co-worker at work that I had a complete mental breakdown and got myself into counseling. I'm now 23 and have been with around 35-40 men I don't even know....I hated myself so much that I was too scared to say no... I let men use me sexually and hurt me, degrade me, rape me, and well anything really. It's all so surreal it's like i soned out during it all. It took 2 yrs of rape counseling to get me to stop and deal with all my issues. I currently graduated college and am getting ready to start med school in the fall. When i'm not doing that I spend my time as an online RAINN counselor.
Dear Nikki, First let me say how deeply sorry I am to hear about your experience. But I'm very glad to hear you got counseling and are doing better. I can totally relate to numbing yourself out with alcohol -- I did that for years, too.
Thanks for commenting and showing the other side of rape's horrible aftermath. Your reaction definitely shows that promiscuity can be a response to rape just as much as going the other direction and becoming frigid.
Mostly, I'm just so happy to hear you're finally thriving in your life. Keep doing the great work you're doing. I wish you every happiness that you so truly deserve to find. MM
Thanks for commenting and showing the other side of rape's horrible aftermath. Your reaction definitely shows that promiscuity can be a response to rape just as much as going the other direction and becoming frigid.
Thanks for commenting and showing the other side of rape's horrible aftermath. Your reaction definitely shows that promiscuity can be a response to rape just as much as going the other direction and becoming frigid.
One of my friends have been raped by her Boss and friend and it took several months of counciling for her to be normal again. Atleast she had a supportive family, boyfriends and friends but most rape victims are not very fortunate there.
Hi Anamika. So sorry to hear about your friend. It's doubly disturbin to have the bond of trust broken with your boss. That's a total abuse of power. I am glad she is doing ok. You're right. The norm is not to get that level of support from family, boyfriends, etc. I am sending your friend a hug. MM
Wow! I just want to say that is a great hub. It is very informative. Great hub. Mighty Mom
Thanks for visiting. I sincerely hope you never have a personal need for this information. But if you do, there are many, many veterans of rape here on HP and we are happy to help if we can. Bless you. MM
If you are in a sexual relationship when the rape occurs, it may take time for you and your partner to re-establish pre-rape intimacy. Don't be surprised if your first time back in the saddle brings up a range of emotions. Be gentle with yourself.
Hi Rajan_Roy22, Thanks so much for commenting. Your gentle tone and wise advice tell me you know this situation. I think it can be devestating for the rape victim's partner, too. Gentleness and patience -- for both parties -- are essential.
i cant believe the clergy and others who say its the victims fault.i would like to kick them in the shins.please report all rapes and leave any 'date rapists' and marriage rapists a.s.a.p. Guess its not that simple,but they should pay for their crimes and we need to drag the unsympathetic out of the dark ages.maybe some males who committed rape could say why they did it,if victims could tolerate this.
I looked up the word *rape* and read this hub. It is not only brave (MAJORLY) but very insightful as it recently happened to my best friend (10 days ago).
I was thinking of writing a hub on rape but I am not so sure now.
You also have a talent for expressing yourself with words - and that is a major part of healing IMO.
Best - Melanie
P.S. I don't think *any* rape really has "a happy ending"...
just an after thought...
Melanie
Hellow Privateye2500/Melanie (I tend to use people's user names when corresponding on HP). I appreciate your reading my hub. I can only imagine what your friend is going through now, and you, as her friend. I hope my hub has provided some ideas of how best to comfort her.
So much of the victim's response and ultimate healing is tied to how she is treated by the police and the courts (if the case gets that far). Also her friends and family. It's so easy to make a horrible trauma even worse. I hope she gets rape counseling. It may not seem helpful at the time, but it does sink it. This is my experience, anyway.
I guess for me the "happy ending" was some degree of closure. Knowing the Anthony Canejo was behind bars was a huge relief. I can't imagine how I or my friend would have survived the rape knowing that the perp was still out in the city stalking others -- or possibly us again.
Best of luck to your friend and to you. MM
wow brilliant hub i can relate to this story very well, as I too was a victim
Mighty Mom in a way If I not experienced rape too,mine was very traumatic,but if I hadnt I would not have been able to fully understand what you have been through.You have described this crime with a true writer's heart and I admire you for telling this story.
Well I now raise a glass of champagne for us two girls,because looking at you,I am inspired,I love u to death,your wit and vitality. Our celebration is, even though this happened to us, look at us now, moving on,shaking our groove thing, going on with life,plotting a scandulous story yeaaa.
If you are in a sexual relationship when the rape occurs, get out asap
Thankyou for writing about this hub. Your hub is really great and wonderful, I really appreciate the way how you had portrait everything.
forget the past and facing the bright future.
this is good stuff. It is so right on. It's good for people to have a place to go and read up on what to expect after rape! thank you
Hi Kim, Thanks for visiting. I hope rape never occurs to anyone you know. But if it does, I hope that person gets appropriate counseling. And has supportive friends. That makes a big difference. MM
Sad story. I have published for the first time a rape story about my patient. You may want to see http://hubpages.com/hub/Nursing-Story-Would-You-Su
Hi Greggy. I appreciate your taking the time to visit. I don't think my story is sad. I think it is triumphant -- but many other rape victims' stories don't end as happily.
I will check out your hub. This is a topic that interests me. Thanks. MM
This Is Very Good Writing and We The People Should Think About This
Nice hub Mighty Mom. It took a very strong person with a lot of courage to write this hub. I commend you.
I was raped a year ago by a stranger, my whole life fell apart just after, i was terrified to go out side the door for three months, i lost my job, I couldn't possibly work, missed mortgage repayments and nearly lost my home. The relationship with my partner fell apart within 2 months. It has been the toughest year of my life. I did go for emergency crisis councilling, which helped somewhat. But now i find myself needing to rebuild my life and my self esteem and confidence is at rock bottom. any ideas how to rebuild self esteem and confidence, before the event, I never had a problem with these, was a very outgoing person, that enjoyed life.
i am starting to see men now again, but find i need to see more than one, which is i know is some sort of protection thing. its like a defence mechanism to keep from true intimacy with one man, I'm seeing three men, and sleeping with them, which i didn't do before, which is leading to a reall feeling of loss of identity.
Hello Luna. I am sorry I was not on HP yesterday when you commented. Let me start by saying how very sorry I am to year of your rape experience. Each of us wears our devestation slightly differently. Sounds like you have had a really hard year but things are looking up.
I am not a professional counselor -- but I hope you are able to get some follow-up counseling, as the 1 year anniversary can be really, really challenging.
One things that can help regain self-esteem is to take up a physical challenge or hobby. A kick-boxing class, self-defense class, karate, etc. Or anything you are interested in. Self-esteem can come from any number of areas. Volunteering your time is a great way to get out of self and realize that as tough as things are in your life others have it worse (I use this one still).
Another way to regain self-esteem is on the job front. Excelling in your chosen profession can help you regain a sense of self confidence.
Self-esteem from relationships is secondary at best. Feel good about who YOU are independent of any men or sex. But what you are doing by seeing/sleeping with 3 men at once makes perfect sense to me. And it is a way to regain control of your sex life. Yes, it's a defense mechanism. But is that really a bad thing? When you feel ready -- and feel trusting of your partner -- you'll let love in again. I wish you all the best and will put you in my prayers. MM
Hi MM,
Many thanks for your kind reply, I do understand the need for some more follow up councilling and rang to organise an appointment today, As i see a definite pattern of binge drinking and getting angry and lashing out at people closest to me. I know its all self destruct behaviour, so for my own sake now have decided I need to try and find other coping mechanisms for now at least. Thats interesting about the kickboxing etc, something i've never really thought about getting into but may look into it.
In an other way I have some work coming up and I think at the moment that will be the best thing, as I think there is a certain frustration from the complete loss of control over my life since the event.
So hopefully lifes will pick up as i things are getting a little better and more positive.
Thanks for your help and kind words, its great to have a site like this xx
MM
I do hope sometime soon I will be able to copy your positive attitude, its great.... but for now, whats it they say baby steps.
Hello Luna,
Your coping pattern sounds oh so familiar. I did the binge drinking/revenge f-ing also. Wasn't really even aware I was doing it as a self-destructive pattern, but in hindsight...
Yes, throwing yourself into your work -- ANYTHING that you associate with positive self-esteem -- is a good choice. When we feel helpless in one area of life it's good to have another area where we can focus our energy.
As for being able to copy my positive attitude. LOL. My rape was in 1985. If I wasn't "over it" by now I'd probably be dead! By the way, a HUGE contributor to my healing was that the perp went to jail. That helped a lot.
This hub really touched my heart.....thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much Vshining! Hope you never have to endure the trauma of rape. MM
Thats just it hon, in one way part of me is ready to let go and move on cause lets face it, no one likes dealing with emotional pain, of any sort..... but in another way wiith the legal system taking up to two years,,, there is a certain element of awaiting justice, and until thats done there seems to be no closure. xxxx
Hello Luna dear.
This is the essential dilemma. Should you work on moving on now or sit in a holding pattern until the trial? Seems like pain avoidance is a strong motive for you. And since there is no guarantee of "closure" (or even justice) through the legal system, you could be stewing in yucky feelings basically for naught.
I will share with you an experience a really good friend of mine had. Her son-in-law and infant grandson were shot to death. No one came forward. No leads. No one would say what they knew. Basically, there was no justice and probably never will be. Or maybe if there is it won't be coming for years if not decades.
My friend reacted very differently than the rest of the family. The other family members, including her husband and daughter (stepdaughter, actually) became frozen in victim mode. Without vengeance or justice, they simply could not move on. My friend, however, went in a different direction. She knew she had to process her grief for herself -- it didn't matter if the culprits were identified, caught or prosecuted. It simply did not matter to her.
She turned the whole thing over to her God. She knew God had a plan and she didn't have to like it, but to heal, she had to accept it. She became even more spiritual and as a result, he is calm and serene today whereas her husband is a basket case.
So if you can, keep moving forward in your healing NOW. Holding out for that closure is just prolonging your victimhood. Victory may or may not come (although I sincerely hope it does). Either way, by the time the legal system catches up with you, you'll be well on your way to being "over it." rather than participating in a trial still feeling vulnerable and like a victim.
The phenomenon of taking back one's power after a crime is not unique to rape victims. I don't know where you live but perhaps there is a victim assistance program available through your police or court system.
Good luck. And please keep me posted as you get stronger! Hugs. MM
hi ich bin adeeli ich lebe im deutschland adeel_aea_yaro@yahoo.commm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Many thanks for that inspiring message XXXXX
adeeli -- I don't speak German, so since I wasn't entirely sure what your comment said (is it "My name is adeeli and I live in Germany"?) I decided to accept it. And thank you for visiting.
Luna -- good to see you, hon. Hope you are doing well. Been thinking of ya. MM
xxxxxxxxxx thanks hon xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey Luna! Good to see you. Thanks for the kisses. Right back atcha. Be strong. You ARE strong! Hugs, Mm
thanks Mighty M.
i happened to have googled my way to your post, seeking coping assistance. and have spent the entire day on the post and the comments.
we were very new into the relationship. my girlfriend was going out to meet a male-friend of hers with who she'd watched a movie the previous evening. i stayed in, dealing with inane work.
she called up at 9 enquiring about my dinner plans. i asked where she was, & learnt she was at the guy's pad, i joked about it, and asked her to go ahead with her earlier dinner plans with the guy, or join me, eitherways.
she got back at 11, asked about my day and work etc. and for the next hour or so didn't talk to me about HER DAY.
i was thinking about the obvious-es & the not-so-obviouses, till she broke it to me, in terms i again misread - 'coz she said "he was too strong for me".
and i thought this was her way of telling me of her attraction for him ("strong"). a moment later she broke-down, having meant he'd overpowered her, and raped her.
at some point in the night she fell asleep like a doll, hugging my arm against herself. i stayed up the whole night, sick with anger.
and spent the next day not having a clue if talking about it was a good idea or bad. my girlfriend alternated between going completely silent (mostly), and suddenly talking about it revealing painful details (she was technically a virgin at the time, hymen-wise, and bled painfully).
she was sure about not wanting to report it, because of her family, and the inevitable blame of 'having invited the misery' that would come along with it. she nevertheless suffered blaming herself for the whole thing, while i kept privately blaming myself for not acting on THAT 9 pm call.
she's back with her folks now who're in a different city than mine.
not before us making love, afterdays of the incident.
when she seemed to be all into it, and then suddenly announced that her hymen's been finally broken-into - resulting in her breaking into, and reducing me to, tears.
on another such occasion, she just couldn't go through the whole love-making thing she excitedly initiated, telling me of what really happened, in terms that wasn't spoken earlier.
the rapist did his raping because he seems to have been sure he could get away with it. seems like he already has, on serial occasions.
makes me sick to think of it.
it does hurt to imagine what she must be going through when as her partner at the time's (few days ago) been spending a considerable amount of his time at the local bar.
as reiterated in your post, nobody comes prepared for a violation of this sort, and it kills me to remember the times my buddies & i, growing up, traversed distances in pursuit of 'scoring'.
and i don't know what to do now.
i want to experience the boisterous laughter that my girlfriend inflicted me with. i want to hear her laugh, always, as she used to, in copious amounts.
Dear Missed Takeoff. First, let me say how very sorry I am to read of your girlfriend's experience and YOURS. We don't often hear about the impact of a rape on the partner. You have written so poignantly about how devestating it is on both the victim and her man.
The most often occurring thoughts in any rape are "coulda, shoulda, woulda." If ONLY she had done something different then the rape would have been avoided. If only YOU had insisted she come to dinner. If only, if only.
The fact is, it happened.
Date rape in many ways is more difficult to grapple with because the victim DOES feel a sense of the blame. I was date raped years before my stranger rape. I also chose not to say anything. Even at the tender age of 18 I knew it would be a he said/she said battle.
I am glad to see you are not blaming your girlfriend.
Sad situation.
I hope you both get some counseling.
You're doing a great job trying to understand.
And being patient with her -- sex afterwards can be extremely hard.
I send you my prayers and good luck. MM
thanks very much Mighty Mom. glad i spoke to you here.
I rarely respond to posts of this nature, but today I will. Thank you for your honest Hub. It is hard for a rape "victim" >hate the word victim< to assimilate back into a life... not to mention a sexual one (especially if you were, are, or will become romantically involved). Rape is different for every person who was victimized. It is a life long struggle to remember who we are is not a result of the attack, but who we are is why we survived.
Dear LM, I appreciate you reading my hub and commenting. What you say is absolutely true. I LOVE your last sentence. What a great way to get past the victim label and reclaim our strength. I hope rape counselors everywhere are using that line, because it's the most empowering I've heard. Many thanks for sharing it! And glad to know you are healing. Please consider writing about it -- it's quite cathartic. MM
Have been traumatised by the onset of physical intimacy from males since I can remember, dating back to before I ever actually knowingly had anything sexual with anyone. I've heard of scenarios where victims of abuse block things completely from their memories as a defense mechanism, but I honestly dont remember anything happening to me in my early years that should explain this thing =(
It became intense when I was about 15, riding on the bus to school, where I'd sit there and in calculating concentration imagine pulling my vagina, uterus, ovaries, breasts out of my body and throwing them out the window. Every day. I've always had guy friends, i have three brothers, and was a 'tag-along' with my older brother and his pals. I only ever felt comfortable if regarded as 'one of the guys' and felt physically sick and had trembles and shivvering fits and shakes if a guy ever admitted 'liking me'. I'd then avoid them, and fear them. It was odd, because I had massive crushes on guys at school, but always from a 'safe' distance. Even these boys, if they ever displayed an interest, were shunned and feared.
One day I was essentially 'date-raped' by one of the big brother's mates, had been over to just watch a movie, then he'd rolled over onto me and the sex had pretty much happened to me. I was in shock and couldn't stop it for some reason, and just bawled my eyes out afterwards, while he gave me an awkward hug (probably confused) feeling like some *thing*, not a person at all. Something he'd used.
Many other similar feeling scenarios followed. Feeling confused into events, and unable to slam on any breaks, feeling like i must have lead things to 'here', so who was i to tell them no suddenly, and hurt their feelings or make them angry. I've always been a 'blokey' chick, totally able to have conversations and make dirty jokes and be ribald and robust around them, and feel betrayed by the very fact that im a female with an attractive body when they want to have sex with me.
Like I stop being a person, and just become a *thing*...
Wow, all coming out here. Fingers shaking on the keys, think I have PTSD, just read an article on it, and it has shed a little light on my life till now, with my reactions.
I can't be promiscuous, in response to the discussion above. I've given it a try, thinking about it during the day and being intrigued by the freedom and power it seems to represent, and hip-hoppy songs about it make it sound glamorously assertive, but when the actual event has come up, the trembling and shakes and fear has happened. Happy to say that recently, I have said no. Felt like a huge victory. You see, when a guy clambers over me, and i know he's not thinking of me in a loving and emtionally caring or intimate way, but in the *thing* way i tried to describe, I'm instantly repulsed, and retreat. I'm in no way engaged in the event from then on, in the past having to retreat into a place in my head where I'll be safe til it's over and i can do the whole scalding shwoer and skin scrubbing and sobbing thing.
I. Am. Fucked. Up. Cervical smears, even when done with the smallest thing the nurses have, is so painful I cry, because I tense so much down there at the intrusion. "relax" is something i cant; just tell my body to do.
I've had one relationship where I felt like I'd healed, because the guy was young, and a virgin, and full of idealised love and devotion, and I felt like his sun. He was gentle and extremely careful and caring. He helped me through all the past, I told him everything I could remember, and he was very gentle.
4 years later, he'd cheated on me twice and tossed me aside eventually for a girl who liked it up the arse, and scathingly told me I was the worst thing that had ever happened in his life. After the first time he cheated on me, I spent a whole year begging him to be with me again, and he was with me, just constantly rolling away when i tried to be intimate and saying he 'didnt feel like it' anymore.
A year after he's gone, I am trying to move on, but the shakes are back, and i have had to fight huge anxiety attacks just around the fear of seeing him again, and falling to bits. He left me in tears and suicidal, but he was the only "okay" time I'd ever had with a guy. Guys since then have been pulled away from either before sex has occurred, or during, and shunned. One guy was suprisingly patient when we met in a park for sex (how is that for promiscuous) and I burst into tears and shook. He just waited til i was okay, and didnt mind when i called a halt half way through. He was okay talking about it, and seemed caring. I reacted badly to a later sexual go with him, where he just rolled over after getting his and fell asleep. I felt like the *thing* again, and kicked him out. Apologised later, but he wasn't interested after that. can't blame him.
I'm exhausted. there's a side of me that knows somehow I can be okay and happy with a guy, but it will be such a tenuous thing. A prefectly nice guy I've been chatting to at the gym tonight just suggested a hint of something like cooking me a decent meal, and I ended up freaking out because of my reaction on the way home, irrational fear-crying like in school.
What's wrong with me... Wow, my own small novel, right here. Sorry for taking up such a big space. Just felt so good getting it out.
I hope i can heal some day, from whatever it is that triggered all this. To be honest, I just crave someone to hold me, with nothing sexual, when I'm lonely, and not ask anything of me in that area, just to hold me.
My love and support to anyone who has any form of sexual trauma in their lives. One day we will be butterflies...
xoxoxox
Dear Squirrel,
As I read line by line through your comment I kept saying to myself, "Oh no, that's not right!" and "How awful for her."
I am not a trained psychologist, just a woman who's been through a lot in her life and takes the time to be around others whose life experiences are not always Betty Crocker cakes and white picket fencesa
It's clear you have some major trauma going on. PTSD sounds like just the tip of the iceberg. Panic attacks at the thought of sexual contact. Severe difficulty forming attachments.
Everything you desire in life -- a compassionate mate to hold you and love you and eventually, when you feel safe, have a mutually gratifying sex life -- those are all normal things that we all deserve.
It sounds to me like you recognize that something very traumatic has caused this reaction pattern but don't know what it is. Regardless of the cause, you need to get the symptoms treated. It's painful even to read about your experiences with boys/men. You deserve so much more!
You can become the butterfly you are meant to be much sooner if you get some professional help. Right now you are hiding in your dark cocoon waiting for the transformation to occur naturally. It more than likely will not.
Do you feel comfortable getting some therapy?
As for the guy at the gym. Hooray! You do know -- I hope -- that you can accept a nice home-cooked meal and not have an obligation to do anything sexual with him. People can and do take relationships slowly. Get to know him as a person and see if he's someone you enjoy spending time with. For long-term relationships that is a much saner approach than hopping into the sack all lusty and starry-eyed anyway!
Good luck, my dear. You are on my prayer list. MM
(((Squirrel)))
Hi MM:
I was raped in April. It's been difficult getting back into a normal way of life after.
I'm married, and our first anniversary will be this September. The night the rape happened started out as a normal night at home, my spouse was at work and I was at home. I felt a little tired after getting the housework done and lay done to take a nap..this was about 10PM and my spouse gets home around 11.
Not long after, I hadn't even fallen asleep yet, I heard footsteps come into the room. I assumed, mistakenly, that I had fallen asleep and the my spouse had come home. By the time the person was standing next to the bed, I realized, too late, that it wasn't anyone with good intentions. I started to sit up and the next thing I remember, is seeing a flash and having a horrible pain in my head.
I woke up just before my spouse got home, feeling pain in other areas than my head.
Luckily my spouse was supportive. We chose not to take the morning after pill and let things happen if they were to happen. My mother, who lives a long way away, was very supportive through phone calls and email. I feel lucky that I was unconscious for the rape, it could have been much worse if I remembered it. I did get pregnant, but miscarried.
I've found that I react more quickly since, and I get angry and argumentative quicker. For the first couple months sex was out of the question, but I've gotten back to an almost normal reaction to intimacy again. Being married helps this, I think.
The police have no idea who did it, they think it was an opportunistic robbery gone wrong. There weren't any signs of breaking in, but a window was open, and I suspect that I may not have closed it all the way before laying down...it is a hard window to close so now if it has been open, I slam it shut and lock it instead of just sliding it shut.
This is the first time I've told anyone except my spouse, my mother, and two of my best friends what happened. I don't consider myself a "victim," I'm just a woman who had an unfortunate experience, and is recovering from it.
Suiiki, I'm truly sorry to hear about your story. It is a huge violation to have someone come in through the window. That's how it happened for me, too.
I give you props for how you are handling this. Not labeling yourself a victim is huge. That will help you heal so much faster! Glad you and your lovely spouse are able to be intimate again, too!
BTW, I hope the police did a thorough investigation including fingerprints, a rape kit to run DNA through the lab, etc. Saying, "We have no clue" isn't a very good answer. Whoever did this could do it again.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Very courageous. Wishing you strength and serenity. MM
Thanks MM, i think i'll go back to the nice big powerful Maori lady who helped me through some stuff last year. She was awesome in helping me deal with the aftershock and distress of the cheating and the dumping from my ex, and I think she'll be a good person to help me deal with this, now that I'm waking up to it and what it's doing. She awakened in me some pride in being a woman. Maybe that's a good start.
Another thing that has plagued me is sexually explicit and distressing dreams, since very young. Sometimes the dreams have been of family members. Sometimes it has been of me being promiscuous and revelling in it, only to wake up and feel horrified and loathing. In the dreams i can actually FEEL sex, and my body reacts to it in a hungry way, and sometimes I've woken up all warm, like I've orgasmed. This is all followed by shame and disgust at my body and my subconscious. My mum once mentioned hypnotism or some other such thing to try and uncover possibly blocked or buried memories, to try and figure it out, what might have started it. Do you know of any people this has worked for?
Part of me is scared of what i might find...
I seem to have an aversion for 'older' guys, that I've felt all along, like they were more threatening. People's dad's would creep me out sometimes. I can remember incidences where I noticed men looking at me, and it always frightened me, where young guys, or guys younger than me, didn't have the same effect.
This may explain why most of my willing encounters, though they haven't lasted, have been with guys younger than me. They don't threaten me so much, for some reason. I have never been with a guy physically taller or much heavier than me either... I wonder if this is a safety mechanism.
So much to figure out now. I am frustrated, because in the light of day, when I meet people and there's just flirting and chatting, or texting and joking, it all seems fairly simple and fun and something good, and i look forward to more... it turns to custard at crunch-time though. It's hard to imagine it being that bad, til I'm there and am dealing with it =/
lafndlgknaoerngvna;wehog...
squirrel
Hey Squirrel,
Lots here -- to much to respond to this minute as I'm off to a business meeting. However, I must say you seem to have quite a good sense of self. More self-awareness than 99% of the people I know. From what you describe it's entirely possible there is abuse in your past. The question is, do you want to confront your possible demons and get through them? Or can you live with the way your sex life is now? We have all been hurt and disappointed in love. Cheating and leaving is rough -- but minor compared to the rest of what you've been through. Consciously or unconsciously I think you -- like the rest of us -- are seeking out sex partners who are non-threatening. That only makes sense.
But at the same time, there is ALWAYS a personal risk to letting someone become intimate with us. Do you feel your internal temperature taker/character judger is working well for you or needs a tuneup? Maybe you can learn to attract a different kind of person to you so you will feel safer.
Meanwhile, I would be thrilled to have a Maori woman advising me! That's so cool. Good luck and big hugs to you:
(((Squirrel))) MM
My little sister is a rape victim. That's how she lost her virginity at the age of 15. She had a steady boyfriend for 3 years after that. After they broke up she was raped again...this time by two men. She never reported it and no one was prosecuted. But she knows who they are. It has very adversely affected her sex life but to the other extreme of being extremely promiscuous. She has ongoing post traumatic stress disorder and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and they added a new diagnosis yesterday: cyclothymic disorder. All of these disorders stem from the two separate rape occurences and their lack of treatment. Back to the promiscuity...she is not the same person she was before the rapes. Obviously not the first one since she had never had sex before that. But she calls me every day and tells me of her various exploits with men. Its unhealthy and I wish I knew how to help her. I have never been sexually assaulted so I don't even know where to begin. She has seen counselors for years and none of it really seems to help. Does anyone have any advice in dealing with this. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for this.
Kimberly.
Hi Emma,
One of the hardest things to accept about rape is you don't get immunity -- lightning can strike twice, as it did with your sister. So sorry to hear about her two traumas.
YOu say she has seen counselors and it does no good. Given her mental health diagnoses, I hope she is seeing a good PSYCHIATRIST who can prescribe appropriate drugs to help stabilize her moods. If she could get her cyclothymic disorder under control the promiscuity might taper off, too. I do know that promiscuity is also one of the symptoms of bipolar (cyclothymic disorder is a milder form of bipolar). So what I'm saying is this: It's possible that these underlying mental health issues were already in play before the rapes (or at least the second one).
You are a caring sister and I wish I had better answers for you. Your sister is obviously in a ton of pain.
I hope she gets to see a good psychiatrist (it's essential it be a psychiatrist because they understand brain chemistry and can concoct the right cocktail for your sister's symptoms). Good luck!
Kimberly -- Thank you for reading! MM
thanks for posting this article I have been a victims of sexual abuse and rape as a child at the hand of my brothers I wrote about my experiences and the emotional turmoil that i went through in my book Crossover to Healing... you can view a couple of excerpts at crossover to healing dot com
Angela, I am so very sorry to hear about your childhood experience. I have a good friend who had a similar situation. It takes incredible strength and courage to get through it.
Would it be ok with you if I posted a link from your website to this hub? Hugs to you, beautiful woman. MM
Thank you for sharing. I was a victim of abuse growing up emotional, physical and after mom divorced my dad and got a new boyfriend it turned into sexual abuse. He was the one who actually took my virginity at the age of 12, then 5 months after that I was raped by one of my best friends whom I looked up to like a big brother.
I've had to deal with lots of emotional healing through the years because, somehow I was marked so to speak. When my mother left her boyfriend, I was happy and sad at the same time (I know people think that's weird), my therapists have all told me that's because what he gave me was a false sense of love and self-esteem. Then in high school I was raped twice, both times were at social events. I tried to not let these experiences hinder my social outings.
I got married young (19 years old), to a man I thought was wonderful until we had been married for a year, then he wanted me to do things I wasn't into doing and he would do things to me while I was sleeping and get angry at me when I woke up and pushed him away freaking out. Needless to say I'm not married to him any longer, but that put a lot of fear of men into me.
I was alone for six years after him and thought I'd never be able to trust another man in my entire life. I'm happy to say that wasn't the case and I've found a man who is amazing and has been helping me grow and helps me through the emotions I still go through whenever he and I are intimate. It's not every time but there are times where I just burst out into tears and cry uncontrollably.
I do fear that he'll grow tired of it sometimes and it makes me not want to be intimate with him as much but, he does reassure me that he loves me and it's every part of me and he's here to help me get through things like this. It makes me feel good that I've got him in my life, there are good guys out there that can be understanding and loving :)
JWeber, your story brings out a mix of emotions. Although it is your unique story, this kind of ritual abuse occurs all too often. And can ruin a woman's self-esteem. I'm so glad you got help and mostly that you have a wonderful, supportive man in your life now.
You have given an outline of so many incredible episodes. I hope you will share details with us here. Writing about our demons really helps to tame them. I would love to read more about how you coped with the abuse and the rapes and your mixed feelings about the man (I understand that totally).
Again, welcome here to HP. Hugs, MM
Well written on a very difficult subject. It helped many to express their suppressed feelings and I hope some healing took place. Rape is indeed a shame on this civilized society. And its a weakness on Govt part. There should be death sentence for a proved rape case. Not less than DEATH Sentence. Hanging in public view. I dont know why women are not pressurizing their Govt. for a death sentence for the rapists.
Hello Mighty Mom,
First off I would like to commend you on your bravery! The reason why I wanted to post a comment is because I believe it was my husband who submitted the question "Do rape victims become promiscuious after being raped?" He has a real issue with wanting me to tell him every second in detail about every sexual experience I ever had in my past before him and for the last year and a half our lives have revolved around this issue, literally 24/7. It has starterd to take it's toll on both of us and he insists on asking me the same questions over and over again. He knows about my rape and he is kind enough not to push the issue there, however everything I tell him in regards to my past sexual experiences he doesn't believe me and I am now a liar about every little thing. Him pressing the issue has made me lie to him only because I am trying to protect myself and get him to stop accusing me of lieing when I'm telling him the truth. He believes so intensly that what ever he thinks is the truth that he won't back down until I basically agree with him and tell him the lies he has created and believes is the truth. Hell, he's even gottan me to believe some of his ideas as to what the truth is even though i know deep down inside they are lies. He's even gone so far as to have me take a polygraoh test on the internet that is based on vibrations in the voice, which I think is a cheap internet scam but he believes it when it says I'm lieing. Every time he asks me another question I automatically get stressed out and irate, simply because this has gone on now every second of every day for a yesr and a half.
When I was 18 years old I was more than brutally raped, I was basically murdered by 6 assailants. It wasn't the rape that I had trouble coping with the most and please no body take offense to that, it's just that on top of being raped I was drugged with something that resembles truth serum and was aware of everything that was happening but was unable to move to fight off my attackers. Believe it or not, this wasn't the worst part of it. I was pregnant at the time and my 6 rapists were part of some cult that literally took my baby from me for some sick human sacrifice type of ritual. I'm not sure if you can understand what it feels like to watch someone taking your child and doing the things that they did and being completely helpless in protecting that child, but I think that you all might be able to meet with me on some level with this because being raped sometimes is like taking the child that you are away.
Needless to say I for about 1 year secluded myself to my bedroom and freaked out anytime anyone came within 10 feet of me. But then the fear went away and the numbness kicked in.. The feeling that no one was ever going to want me after this had happened and I just didn't care anymore about myself and I became a little promiscuious. This lasted for a year or more of which I really honestly can't recall much of anything during that time period. Then again I would go into a state of not wanting to be touched at all.
More recently I had a daughter pass away from leukemia in 2003 and again it was like I didn't exist. I was here physically but not at all in any sense spiritually and became promiscuious again. I was a single mom of 3 at the age of 22 and I feel that maybe I was just looking for love in all the wrong places until I met my husband. Coping with my daughters death alone was very difficult for me. I admit I have made many mistakes in my past but I feel like alot of those mistakes are due to my rape and the trauma of losing my daughter to leukemia. I don't agree with a lot of the things I may have done in my past and I am deffinitely not proud of them but is it so hard for him to understand that dragging up all of my past sexual experiences is making me relive the trauma of all that I have been through and it's not easy for me to answer all of his questions especially since I can't answer them because I honestly can't remember? Is it fair to me or right of him to push the issue when I'm not real comfortable discussing my past sexual experiences? Your advice would be much appreciated.
I think you are a strong, one of the strongest, women there is and you have a beautiful and kind spirit that will help many women heal from their rape experiences. I wish you all the happiness in the world and may God truly bless you!!!!!
Angel In Disguise
(Please excuse any spelling errors, as I was typing all sorts of feelings begin to erupt and I know I probably made many mistakes.)
Dear Angelindisguise. My heart goes out to both you and your husband. You have endured more trauma than most people ever see in a lifetime. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. But totally get your emotional reaction. Numbness is a protection from too much pain.
But it sounds like you have a long, long history of dealing with more than your share of horrible things.
I hope -- and I don't mean for this to sound trite -- that you have gotten some counseling.
I also hope you will -- if you feel strong enough -- write about some parts of your life experience here. I have found it very therapeutic and know other hubbers who have also.
God bless you.
MM
P.S. Your husband sounds like he could use some reassurance also and I don't think it can come from you. Has he talked to anyone about trust issues? Paranoia? Controlling behavior?
hi MM,
i read your post and i identify with a few of the symptoms..to begin with i wouldn't like to call myself a victim,just someone whose trust was violated.. i was raped by a friend of mine, though we had not known each other for long but had spent some time together. It happened a nfe months ago and that time i had just got into a new relationship. My boyfriend was busy so i decided to catch up with this friend.. earlier too he had tried to flirt but i had told him no uncertain terms that i was involved with someone else...it was like just another normal day....i really enjoyed his company...and as usual we were laughing and joking... he had a thing to make others laugh...i guess that's we were friends...when it started i told him to stop but it never did... i was scared as he is a very big man n though i am no midget i just couldn't make him stop...i remember at a point i even told him he was raping me but that didn't seem to effect him...i was new in the city and didn't know my way around...i had to depend on him to drop me back as my boyfriend at that time was busy....and i dont think i wanted to narrate it on the phone...on the way he even asked me if i didn't enjoy it at all...and later profusely apologised saying he had lost it at that time... even after dropping me at my boyfriend's place he had the audacity to wait in his car...telling me to ask my boyfriend if i can stay the night with him or not...i just couldn't wait to put as much distance between us as i physically could....i couldn't tell my boyfriend immediately as his mother was visiting in the meantime he kept texting me to go with him...well i didn't respond to any of it....
Later when i told my boyfriend he didn't know what to say... he just asked me to take some action for it...but i live in India...the system here is screwed up....more than help it would have made it worse....and my family ....i dont know how my family would have reacted to it...most probably saying i brought this upon myself...and i was at a place i wasn't even supposed to be....so i didn't do anything...i just let it be.....
And to say my boyfriend has been a great support is no small thing....i just went silent (my trademark)after giving him just the little details...as little as possible...i remeber next few days as very silent ...i wouldn't talk...i couldn't sleep well....i had nightmares of someone grabbing me....i just went around like a zombie....and sex for the first time after this incident....i dont know why but i just couldn't do it....
i had my boyfriend worried for a while there...i guess he was waiting for me to break-down or something...but neither did that come....for a very long time i couldn't talk about it but slowly after a lot of persuasion and subtle side comments from my boyfriend i told him all about it in a span of a couple of months....
i tell him that i ain't traumatised by it....i do believe i ain't...there was no physical abuse....though my boyfriend says he is traumatised by the incident....
i guess my way of dealing with it was just pushing it in the farthest most corner of my subconscience and not think about it....i am very good with it i guess...i have tried it with a lot of things and i have been fine....but my boyfriend says that i shouldn't do that as someday out of the blue it might hit me and hit me bad....but it hasn't till now...and i am back to living the way i did before...just that i dont trust so easy now....
i guess if i needed some medicine for it, it was my boyfriend who did the work....he brought up the incident a few days back saying that i should do something about it...but i dont want to...i just want to forget about it and live my life with him....
Hi M, So sorry to hear about your experience. So-called "date rape" can be even more difficult than stranger rape. In your heart I know you know that you did NOTHING wrong and nothing to cause this. But, given your cultural situation and the extreme difficulty of "proving" your case, I think(and I hate to say this) you are probably wise to not try to press charges.
Your boyfriend is very wise and you should listen to him. If you aren't up for therapy, at least get some books on surviving rape. I will try to get some recommendations and add them as links here.Good luck.
But really, don't think that just because you haven't broken down now it means you are "overit." You are not. Trust me.I was also date raped -- years earlier than my "real" rape. MM
Hi MM,
I wouls really appreciate those links. I know i didn't do anything to bring it upon myself but still thinking about the incidents which led to it i believe maybe i could have done things differently and avoided the whole incident. You are right in saying i am not up for therapy, but do you really think i am not over it and as my boyfriend says it will come back to haunt me?? And yes one more thing, when you say my boyfriend is right and i should listen to him, in what exact context do you mean it?
Hello again M, I have added some recovery resources below, including a really good site with many 'chat rooms' for various people involved in rape. If you don't want to go for traditional counseling perhaps you would feel comfortable talking online (?).
I of course don't know you personally so only you know what tactics will work for you in coping with the aftermath of your experience. The thing is, it DID happen. And processing that with people you trust and feel safe with (e.g., your boyfriend,perhaps female friends) helps take the power out of it. Writing about it also helps -- why not write a hub of your own about how it felt to be betrayed that way by a man you thought was a friend?
It sounds like he just could not take your rejection of his romantic advances and took his frustration out on you by overpowering you. Gotta wonder what kind of boyfriend he would have made had you not already had one!???
I am glad you're safe and I wish you and your boyfriend much closeness in your relationship.
Good luck! MM
Thank you for everything MM.I am glad i spoke to you here.And incidentally while i was going through the previous posts i came across one that sounds uncannily like my own experience but said through my boyfriend.I believe he did write here at the time when it happened.I am doing it much later as it takes me time to get to it.Though i kinda knew what he must have been going through, its a revelation to read it here, that he went through the process of googling and everything.
About writing about my experience, i dont know.I have my anonymous blog and can write about it.I dont know much about hubpages as i had myself googled my way to your post.I guess i can figure it out and if i feel upto it,just do it.And yes its easier for me to chat online.Thank you for all the links and help.And everything.
Godbless.
M
God Bless to you and your boyfriend, M. I'm so glad you found my hub. Always here if you feel like coming back for another hug. Best of luck.
And don't let that sick man steal your joy. He's sick. You are beautiful! MM
Thanks
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, but I'm glad you didn't let it defeat you. Rape is such a sick and cowardly crime in my eyes, I think it should be punishable by death.
Tamarii2,Thank you for visiting.
MistHaven.It is a sick and cowardly crime. To me,the worst part is that so few rapists don't even get caught!
Great Hub!Thanks for sharing. Good information.
Okay this really hit home for me.... I really think that when I was raped in my teen years it made me more promiscious, definitely. I had just lost my virginity a few months before and was hurt because he just used me and left and it really messed me up inside for a long time. Not only did I feel used but I felt cheap. I confided in someone who then in turn blabbed to the entire school, it was bad enough that I was given a bad reputation when my friends found out I lost my virginity. Everyone looked at me like a skank and by that time, I said "What the hell, why not!"....so I started dressing hoochie and doing my makeup all wild and going out and partying all night....it was all a disguise of the hurt little girl I was inside....just hungering for love. And I ended up looking for that closeness with older men which I guess made me look even worse. Its really a sad thing when someone is hurt by a man that you willingly give yourself to, and its even worse when you are raped by a man you didn't want. I thought of sex as something to "DO" not as an act of affection or love for someone since I had been hurt so bad inside. It took a long time for me to readjust my mind into combining love with sex again. I am happy that I met Tony later when I was 19..he really showed me love and that I was worth everything and never to settle for less again! Thank you for this hub!
Aw,sweetie. That story is very sad. You should write a screenplay about your life. It would make a great movie.
It amazes me how much strength you have gained in your life. And how giving you are. The whole story you just wrote here would make a good hub, too.
Love ya, Chica. MM
love ya too Chica!~ thank you I should compile it all into a book huh! Thanks so much for the encouragment. Maybe I will make a hub about it! You are a wonderful friend! =)
Right back atcha, Chica. You are a treasure in my life. MM
Hi I'm 18 and I need some help. I was sexually abused by my grandmother's boyfriend for a while when I was around 7 and again by the next door neighbor a couple years after, also for a while. I've had relationships that went on for a few years when I was in high school, but I never had sex because, frankly, it was on the top of my Never-To-Do-List. I had no problems being intimate, per say, like making out or even goin around a few bases, but never sex. I'm just wondering what advice you'd give me now that I'm in college and obviously have to get into that are of exploration. I don't mind the idea, I actually think it would be pleasurable, I simply find myself hyper aware of everything he does and totally uncomfortable and turned off as soon as he makes a move to go below the border. And I've never had therapy or any of that. I'd appreciate it you sent a copy of your reply to futurelibkeeper@aol.com--just so I know when you answer. Thanks so much! I appreciate it!
I have created an account..I'm Heather lol...so you can just respond here...tank yous.
Hey there Heather (or futurelibkeeper). Thanks for visiting and sharing your experience. You've definitely been through a lot and it's no wonder you're feeling the after-effects.
And no wonder you associate sex in such a negative way.
You've been traumatized by this molestation.
You say you haven't had any therapy. If your college offers it, I'd suggest you arrange to talk to a professional.
The goal is to learn to dissociate intimacy in your current life from forced intimacy in your past. You CAN retrain your brain and your body to relax. But someone has to teach you how.
This next piece of advice is coming as much from Mighty MOM as from MM who was also raped. Given your discomfort and your obvious vulnerability, wait till you meet someone you want to be in a relationship with, someone you trust. Yes, I know college is (or can be) about sowing wild oats. But your needs are different. I would really hate for you to become MORE damaged by having serial sex with guys who are just out for fun.
Anyone worth having sex with will understand and be gentle with you.
See also the recovery resources below. And good luck! MM
Can't believe I missed out on this hub?! Considering the fact that rape has occurred numerous times in my life. I'm glad to hear that you got your culprit in prison. Some people don't realize how much of an impact it can really do to us. I hope that your friend has recover.
Hello dear May. Good to see you!!!
I'm very sorry to hear about all the rape in your life.
Getting that closure/satisfaction is apparently quite rare so I consider myself very lucky. Probably one of the main reasons I've been able to heal. And thanks for asking about my friend. She is happily married and living in a different part of the state from where the rape occurred (whereas I live 3,000 miles away).
I hope something I wrote here was of some help to you. Maybe you should write your own hub about the impact on your life. We can link to each other's if you like. MM
Rape Recovery Resources
- http://www.hopeforhealing.org/
Rape recovery support including understanding and comfort to victims of sexual assault, rape or domestic violence and we give hope to the people who love them. - Women\'s Web - Health
lori763 says:
12 months ago
I have known a few women who have been raped. The ones who fared the best are the ones, who like you, do not accept the "rape victim" label; recognizing instead that a violent crime was perpetrated on them. You are fortunate that you did not have to spend more than 5 seconds wondering what you did to bring this on - many women are mentally tortured with that one.
I love finding strong women - and you are one!