Lack of Sex and Sexless Marriages
73Lack of sex in marriages happens- you may call them lulls or low points, but sexless marriages happen too- we've all heard about it, seen it (popular talk shows,etc.), and possibly experienced it. The general statistic is about 15-20% of couples experience a sexless marriage, which is defined as having 0-10 sexual encounters per year with their partner.
Whether we've experienced it or not, we ask oursleves 'How does this happen? how does a couple go two years without sex?', 'They look normal- no illnesses, chronic issues, or disorders.' Please Note: this hub isn't for the incurably happy and sexually satisfied couples, even though I know some of you will feel compelled to leave your gushy comments. This is truly for those of us who are curious or are/have experienced this in our marriage. Most of us have experienced a time (no matter how brief) in our marriage when the sex was almost scarce.
Quantity Versus Quality: Once married, instead of sex simply being an aspect of a couple's relationship they enjoy, it becomes an expectation. Expectations are usually things we avoid or procrastinate. That's why you hear women stating "sex is just another chore". Scorekeeping, such as focusing on how many times a week a couple has sex, doesn't help the matter. If it's less than a certain amount, then it becomes an "issue" of concern- this is the wrong mentality. Quantity of sex gets more attention than whether the sex is good or great (quality). If you want to improve the quantity, then focus on quality.
The number one rule of human nature is to seek pleasure and avoid pain; therefore if the sex is good, a person will seek it. Likewise, they will avoid it if they are tired, the sex isn't good, bad mood, not interested, stressed, or anything else that is deemed painful (or not pleasurable).
Men Vs. Women: Women like quality.The reason the emphasis is on quality for women, is because women derive all pleasure from how good her sexual experience is- did the man mentally stimulate her and was he willing to please her physically, not just for his own agenda.
Men need sex for different reasons- if they cheat it's not because of the quality of sex within their marriage, instead they reported/complained about the quantity (lack of sex). In fact, cheaters state the sex was good with their spouse when it happened, but it did not happen enough. For men, a sexual experience is predominately physical.
Many men view sex as part of the foundation for a healthy relationship- if the sex is happening, then there are no problems as far as they're concerned. In actuality, sex is an expression of the relationship. Truth is, if the relationship is good, then the sex is happening- not the other way around as some may confuse it.
Sex Vs. Desire: As a couple, people need to realize sex and desire will obviously be different for each person. Sex is different for women, physically, because women ovulate once a month for a few days. During that time they are most fertile and at a natural sexual peak- they desire the intimacy of sex. Women who are pre, menopausal, or post will experience a fluctuation (highs, lows, and unpredictability) with their sex drive. Women on birth control pills do not ovulate, therefore a possible decrease in sex drive may occur.
When the desire between a couple fades away, sex becomes an act of just going through the motions. If you want to be regarded as desirable by your spouse, take pride in yourself and your body (no matter your size- there are plenty of overweight confident sexy people). Desire is all in the mind- whether it's you or your partner's mind, desire is purely a perception. Have a good perception of yourself and your spouse will perceive you as desirable.
Routine Vs. Spontaneity: Many of us married folk have fallen into the rountine called marriage. It's the same thing every day for my husband and I; he goes to work, I stay home with kid, he comes home, dinner time, he plays with kid while I get a mini mini-break, I put kids to bed, and then we watch tv or read until we're both asleep.
Kids create routine; dinner time, bed time, bath time, etc. It's healthy for kids, but not for marriages. So you're probably thinking I'm going to argue that spontaneity needs to be rekindled in order for sex to increase. Wrong! Most sex in marriages with kids, is spontaneous sex- get it when or while you can- hasty and boring and not my cup of tea. I miss the days when my husband (before he became my husband), had to call me up and ask me on a date, I got dressed to impress, and we both knew what would be happening that night- it was planned, but hot, and something we could look forward to. I like to plan to have sex, then I can put make-up on, dress up, etc and the anticpation is like foreplay.
Sex Vs. Problems: Often times, lack of sex in a relationship has nothing to do with sex, it's a symptom of something else going on. There is a problem that needs to be resolved before sex happens again. Unfortunately, communication breaks down or ceases alltogether when sex diminishes, and communication is the only way to detect and resolve problems within the relationship. If one or both of you are not willing to talk, then divorce becomes likely. Lack of communication and lack of sex is more detrimental to a relationship than lack of sex by itself. A good clue to where the problem lies is at what point the sex began to slow down significantly.
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Comments
bhowell- thanks for the encouraging comment. If you would have told me five years ago, when I was dating my husband, that our sex life wouldn't be GREAT, I would have laughed at the thought. It WAS great, but life happens, and sex hardly ever does.
I think you are so right about marriages that once had a great sex life are definitely at risk for slowing down- great point. Literally "better or worse and sickness or health", but they should add "kids" too.
Great hub izetti - I think you've put down the relevant reasons so well. Very often though, when there are no incredible expectations, there's a lot more enjoyable sex. Maybe too much has been written about what sex should be like and we're suckers for the media blitz that surrounds issues like these? :)
Shalini kagal~ I agree with you about what we hear and see in media images portraying what sex should be like; the sweat, the hours of pleasure, the screaming orgasm, and perfect glistening bodies. The definition of "good" sex varies from couple to couple. There is no one-size-fits-all definition.
No - guess there isn't - but there's always the idea of 'perfect' wired into our brains :D
NICE HUB
I think that sex is just one aspect (and not even the most important one), of a relationship. A relationship that is purely based on sex will not last long. However, a relationship that is strong in other aspects, but not really sexual can be very enduring.
It is unfortunate that we are taught, through popular media and what-not that everybody is out there having lots of perfect sex; and if we are not doing the same, we are losing out or in an unsuccessful relationship. In reality, I think that most relationships, at least long term relationships, are more on the less side. It would be interesting to see some surveys or statistics on this.
Thanks for the comments~
Aya hajime~ There are statistics about how single people have sex on average of 3 times a week and married people on average of 1 time a week. The stats never specify whether "single" means in (not married) or not in a relationship at all- my guess is that the single stats encompass both in and not in a relationship.
Married couples may have less sex, but I believe that long-term relationships have more of other rewarding aspects in them, such as kids together, committment, acceptance, dependability, and openness that singles may not experience. There is pay-offs to both I suppose. Thinking back, I probably had more sex when I was single, but I always felt like I was missing something and now that feeling isn't there since I've been married.
Quite possibly sex may naturally decrease after marriage because there are other aspects to enjoy with that person and a deeper intimacy than more casual relationships- fulfillment comes in many forms and you're right, sex isn't everything.
I don,t know if its got to do that much with kids, as if its about being bored with the same routine of life and same stuff alot of times, i guess you got to try to turn eachother on) like you did before!
jgrof299- I think it has less to do with kids for men than for women. Kids change a woman physically, mentally, and their perception of themselves changes drastically. It changes the dynamics in a relationship because where there were just two people, now there is three or more. My husband tells me he is jealous of the love and time I spend with my daughter and he used to come first, but now she does.
Also, I honestly struggled with the fact that my husband will potentially be the last and only person I have sex with. It stems from the realization that I already know everything about him and this is why I believe each person should have a life, hobbies, interests, outside of their marriage and that way there is something interesting to talk about and it's not the same boring routine and daily chit chat.
Personally I think good sex is important in a marriage, it keeps that intimacy within the relationship. Good hub.
Actually, izetti, married people have more sex on average than single people. A british study of people in 59 countries found that married couples had a lot more sex than singles.
I am in a sexless marriage (11 months now) and have come to the conclusion that after such a long period of time, it's possible we will not have sex again. We have only been married a little over a year so it's extremely disappointing to say the least. We have no kids and no distractions other than work. when I travel for business and come back home, you'd think that would spark something, but no. Not even passionate kissing. I know I'm not alone, but it does not help to lessen the frustration and sadness I feel at not feeling that close bond with my partner.
The poster couple for your hub, has to be Bill and Hillary
salsablondie~ There are studies that show both married having more sex and single having more sex, and maybe because it was a british study- American studies may be different. But here's what I think; the studies and statistics vary because if the study polls single people not in a realtiosnhip at all versus married people, then yes married folks have more sex. But if the study polls single people, INCLUDING those in a realtionship, but not married, then those people (single) make the statistics show single people having more sex. Most studies will show that people in a relationship, but not married, have the most sex, especially those living together but not married. I learned how to decipher studies taking a few master's college courses- it can be confusing and researches skew their results a lot.
On a personal note, with your marriage, you two have drifted apart mentally, intimately, and now physically. People tend not to notice when they drift apart in other ways until it gets to the lack of physical connection. Even you stated "not feeling that close bond with my partner" so that bond is missing and no sex is only a symptom or outcome of the real problem (s). When you travel, I don't believe absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'd think about what brought you two together, what do you have in common to share (hobbies). Something that counselors use to bring anybody closer together is to have them work on something together, to complete a task together. Also doing something physical together- antything like playing sports or video games. The main thing is to get you two interacting without even thinking about the sex part. Are there couple workshops or weekend getaways specifically for couples you can go to?
issuesveritas- you are funny!! I might have to add that picture to this hub.
badcompany99~ good sex, personally defined and not defined by the media, is ideal in a relationship. I'm with you on that one.
Is a marriage without sex still really a marriage - I have my doubts, unless there are other factors involved.
Love and peace
Tony
Great point tonymac04!
I don't know. I've been much married, and I'd say that great sex and good marriage don't always go hand and hand. This is what is constantly being shoved at us, but life doesn't always cooperate. Overwork, kids, pregnancy, nursing, illness, (even chain smoking can cause impotence or erectile dysfunction)--and then if a married couple isn't going at it like a couple of rabbits they begin to feel like, damn here's yet ANOTHER stress, we aren't doing it enough.
What's 'enough'? I think we focus on sex way too much and on love and companionish way too little. That's just my feeling, but I think I'm definitely in the minority. If two people are happy, they shouldn't feel obligated to live up to some sexual standard set by...by whom exactly? If two people are not happy, great sex will only cover over that for awhile. Eventually sex alone won't be enough.
Brave hub. Thanks for writing it!
pgrundy~ I agree about the point that lack of sex becomes another stress or issue in a relationship. It shouldn't be that way.
Statistics in magazines and talk shows display stats constantly so I know why couples think they have a problem if their sex life isn't considered the standard. I hate these stats because sex shouldn't be measured weekly or by amount. Personally, I don't think sex is worth having unless we're both into it and that makes it "good", not trying to keep up with the Jones' on yet another aspect of our life.
The focus on sex is typically from men- that is the way they (supposedly) show and feel love. But it isn't enough, as you and I both agree, for a successful relationship. It may be enough for a man who is emotionally immature, then he does not know how to show his love in other ways, but that is truly an issue that should be worked on, not having more sex so he can continue to not learn how to express his love in other intimate ways.
So let's get rid of the 'How many times per week' poll and substitute it with 'how many times do you feel emotionally close to your partner per week'. I bet that stat result would be suffering much more than sex.
Thanks for your comment and stopping by : ))
IZETTI,
You make a lot of interesting points.
I research a lot of history in my writing (Romance Genere), and throughout history Marriage had very little to do with sex and more to do with what a person could bring to the union in the way of property, money, personal gain.
It wasn't until the turn of the 20th century that couples actually began to marry purely for love.
I have been married for 30 years. I have experienced the ebb and flow of passion in my relationship. Everything from "OMG! I can't wait to get my hands on that man!" to "If I have to look at that slug in the recliner for one more second I'm gonna have ta shoot myself!" LOL...But seriously There is a foundation of friendship between myself and my husband so when we hit those times when we're not so sexually attracted to eachother we still can find the reason why we are still together. Because we respect eachother. Because we like eachother's company. Because we can have a conversation of substance.
When the sex wanes and the kids eventually fly from the nest you've got to have something more than sex to hold you together.
Sure who doesn't love a great lusty romp, now and then (...and Izetti, I promise that WILL happen again ) but Companionship, respect, of like interests, and a great sense of humour is what really counts...for me anyway.
Thanks for giving us something to talk about! Great job.
Take Care,
Adrianna
Adriannas pages~
I thoroughly enjoyed your comment- very positive and I didn't know the history of marriage, although thinking back to my history classes I do remember some of the points you make about the original purpose of marriage.
If you're with someone for the long haul, no aspect in the relationship will be constant, especially sex- and that brings me back to pgrundy's point about the unnecessary focus on sex.
HILARIOUS!!! "OMG! I can't wait to get my hands on that man!" to "If I have to look at that slug in the recliner for one more second I'm gonna have ta shoot myself!"
Thanks for the comment!
There is a lot in what you and our fellow hubbers have to say. To add to your last statement,quote " at what point the sex began to slow down", it is equally important to know why the sex began to slow down
sabu singh- hopefully by knowing when the sex slowed or stopped, you can figure out why and what happened during that time to cause it. I agree, knowing why is most important, because there are not always clear reasons like impotency or kids, etc. SOmetimes the reasons are emotional.
Thanks for your input!
Ha Ha OMG, couldnt possibly comment on this one, Alright then, when we both are in the mood , great..........when he's in the mood, quickie...when I'm in the mood, guess!
Sometimes you have to make the extra effort when you are not iniatally interested. Not just with sex, but other things as well. If you are not willing to do this then you are not committed.
Izettl, you wrote well so a thumbs up is in order. Just to add to your point (I will be writing a hub on tha soomn). the biggest factor which I conveive in a relation between a man and a woman is not sex or marriage, but t is the sense of security that a woman gets in that relation. basically a man needs to have sex while a woman needs romance in life. A woman who is not secure in a relation would intentionally or unintentionally try to keep her man and that usually brings more sex in their insecure relation. As the relation becomes more secure which happens in the event of a marriage, the same woman takes control of the frequence and that is how the term "Not tonight honey I have a headache" came into being. In other cultures couples who are more cordial and intimate teh freuency of sex is less as compared to those where a woman tris to keep her marriage intact.
Think about it!
Thank you for the marvelous hub. It's nice to know one isn't alone in the dark when concerns about sex arise. Sex, to many of us, is a form of communication. It offers a safe area where we can push aside barriers. In my case, the sexless marriage scenario came immediately upon the heels of the hurried honeymoon with no time to savor much.
My husband's demanding job and his need to be available 24/7 with aquiring it in mid-life, brought pressures I had not considered. Couple this with demands from an ailing mother and my spouse's proximity to parents after years on the road and the pressures soared. Then, add needs of adult children from both sides and the lid to the cooker sealed tightly.
Thank you for being there and making the contact with compassion.
Owais Siddiqui~ I agree with some of your point, but you present it as a bait and hook scenario. A woman baits a man with sex and once she has his committment (marriage) she has hooked him and does not give into sex as often. My question would be why she doesn't feel the need or desire the sex as often.
The counter position to that is the man being more romantic when he is courting a woman and once he has her committment, he is less romantic and cordial, therefore a woman desires to have sex with him less. Most marriages are not "romantic" in nature- it ca ncome and go too. Once the dating has ended, and marriage begins, each person usually falls into their old routines (like watching a lot of tv, etc) prior to dating.
Also, even when a woman feels insecure in a marriage and believes her husband may cheat on her, she will not usually try to have sex with him more to secure that relationship- she usually denies him even more.
agartha~ Life really seems to get in the way of sex and romance. You are definitely not alone or else I wouldn't have had any inspiration to write this hub. Myself, and so many couples of all ages (for so many reasons) have lack of sex for long periods of time. I wanted to write this hub because I am always amazed at how many people I know have this concern.
Izetti...If you think that comment was funny, take a look at my recent hub "Recipe For Writing The Great American Romance Novel"
Talk about "fantasy" expectations in a relationship...but that's entertainment!
Take care,
Adrianna
Nice!!! i like it.
I would like to offer a working class male's perspective. I don't say that what I am going to say is correct but it is what I have heard over and over again in the 30 years I have been working with men in industrial settings. This is not to blame or find quilt it is just something women might want to consider.
Sex is vert important to most men. This should not come as a shock because we have heard for years that men feel close when having sex and women feel close when talking, sharing, and cuddling. So what would happen to lead a man to give up on sex or desiring sex?
Other than physical ailments the number one comment I have heard is "what's the point, she'll just say no again anyway." Men have the feeling that they are shut down when desiring sex more, often than not. A man seems to feel rejected when he desires sex and the wife does not. A lot of this has to do with how the wife responds. If the man approaches the wife and she says something like, "stop it, just leave me alone," with irritation in her voice, the man will feel belittled. On the other hand if the wife says something along the lines of, "I'm tired but I'd really like to do something tomorrow night." The man can feel that, even though it didn't get sex, his wife still wants to be with him.
I think men have a very strong desire, even a need, to be a hero in the eyes of the woman in his life. I have heard many single women say, "Oh that's so childish." Probably so but the reality is men are childish sometimes. If you want a man who will be your partner you have to make him feel important. I don't think women understand this because they don't seem to have the same hero needs that a man does. This idea of needing to be a hero really makes sense I think when you consider a huner/gatherer clan. The men who were successful were the ones who could protect and provide and they may have needed the drive that comes from wanting to be a hero to fulfill these duties.
A man never outgrows the need to be the hero in a woman's eyes. My Grandfather lived to be 95 years. He buried three wives. He could never do anything correct in the eyes of the first one. They did not have a good marriage. The last two wives thought he was a great man and told him that. In return he gave them his love and affection and a good life. He beamed with pride whenever they would give him a compliment.
Again I have heard women say, "I'm not going to put a man on a pedestal." I agree but would it be so hard to make the man feel good about himself? I have never seen a marriage break up in which the woman made the man know that he was important. This does not mean a woman should put up with abuse of any kind. If a man is abusive to anyone he needs to be removed from the woman and the family. But if he is a generally good man, if he tries to support his family, if he doesn't mistreat you then let him be the hero and you will have a devoted husband.
As I said at the beginning this is a completley one sided view of this situation. All I can do is offer what I have seen and thought about as a perspective on what happens to facilitate a sexless marriage.
You can agree or disagree but I would ask that you at least consider what I have written.
Thank you
Thanks lawretta
andy_bacon~ excellent insight! You are right about the most important thing a man needs is to feel like he is a good man and hero in the eyes of his woman. But a woman needs her man to make her feel like a lady.
I will elaborate even further- I think recent generations have gotten to a point where women feel as though they don't need a man- they are doing or have done everything he has plus give birth. Also what women want is to feel like a woman even though she has taken on many male traits, especially to survive at work. I would give out sex to my husband by the truckloads if he opened doors for me, made plans for us (instead of ME asking him and making the plans), bought me lingerie, gave me a massage, and basically treated me like a lady. Personally I went from cut throat business woman (working with mostly guys) to full-time mom and somewhere in between I lost the woman/lady role.
Men also take women for granted when they marry- because they EXPECT sex rather than put effort in for it like they did pre-marriage.
We're at a point where women do men's things and men do women's things and it's all mixed up.
GREAT COVERSATION !---- at 75 including 44 years of marriage to the same woman---I would guess I have experienced much of what has been discussed here --- but with the twist of having married a "cold fish " --- ( back in the days of no sex before marriage ) --- interesting how after our 4 kids were out of the nest --- we were stuck with dealing with the UNRESOLVED " bagage " we both brought to the relationship --- it would take a BOOK to adequately describe the past 20 years ---- but I would say that the DESIRE TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK --- THE NEED and COURAGE TO FACE THE TRUTH ABOUT ONESELF --- THE ONGOING DESIRE TO CONTINUE TO LEARN --- THE ABSOLUTE NECESSITY TO COMMUNICATE ---- THE NEED TO FORGIVE BOTH ONESELF AND THE OTHER PERSON --- and the NEED FOR OUTSIDE INTERESTS ---- and a SENSE OF HUMOR top the list of making the relationship work ---- we still have a HOT DATE about once a week because it is an absolute MUST for a MALES SENSE OF WELL BEING AND THINKING YOUNG --- and my " recovering " wife does understand that --- and hey --- ITS SPRING AND TIME TO GET HER PREGNANT " ONE MORE TIME ! " --- OH --- and one more thing -- ( the men from mars -- women from venus thing ) --- I have started doing the toughest thing for males to do --- indulge in SMALL TALK with my bonny bride --- and she has noticed and is responding in a more positive manner ---- HEY we are going to work this thing out in another 15 or 20 years --- and maybe we can write a book about it and THEN RETIRE IN COMFORT
I agree Izetti with everything you say. It is amazing how we can be so out of touch with the ones we love and don't do the little things they desire.
Good luck with the spring time Grampa Ken. You gotta get up everyday and keep trying.
grampa ken~ THank you for your input- you have the experience for sure and I commend you for that. Your words are wise and should be put to book.
I worked at a restaurant where the elderly frequented and being the avid people watcher that I am, I noticed what the couples -who had been married longer than I've been alive- acted around each other. THe man ordered for his wife (traditional and cute), she buttered his toast, he put two sugars in her coffee, she cut his meat because he had bad arthritis- all these little gestures that they were still doing for each other- and they looked reasonably happy. This is just an example of the types of things that the oldest and happiest couples would do for each other.
andy_bacon~ we agree to agree then! Maybe to add onto, or sum up, what we're both saying is that it's a lot about how the other person makes you feel.
dear izettl
First of all, I'm single. In other words, I have no experiences and my knowledge about this object isn't too much.
But I understand from you that marriage should be perfect I mean
Love+ marriage = not perfect
Sex+ marriage=not perfect
Love+ sex+ marriage= perfect
On one hand, if these things gathered together, marriage will be perfect.
On the other hand, if these things aren't available, divorce will happen
I'm Syrian and I like the western culture . so I hope that you will accept my opinions
And thank you for this object.
and i hope that you will give me your opinion about
my article which written by me above
glad to hear that you too are a "people watcher "IZETTI --- it is a MARVELOUS SPORT --- and incredibly instructive ---- BECOME A STUDENT OF EYES ---- because the eyes truly are the WINDOWS OF THE SOUL ---- and they can SPEAK REAMS ABOUT A PERSON ---- without that person ever OPENING THEIR MOUTH AND UTTERING A SINGLE WORD --- and CONTINUE YOUR IMPORTANT RESEARCH INTO THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IZETTI ----SERIOUS AND RESPONSIBLE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE SEXES IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TO THE SURVIVAL OF THE INSTUTION
and -- by the way --- as a trained artist --- I can tell --- even from that tiny little photo of you that you are a LOVING CARING PERSON who is gaining in wisdom and understanding --- those are wonderful traits IZETTI --- I hope your man FULLY APPRECIATES THEM ---- you might also enjoy my comments about marriage at the HUB " WHY MEN NEED SEX " ---- marriage is a marvelous institution and absolutely wonderful way to learn about life and oneself and others --- especially if you are the type of person who looks at life as ONE GREAT BIG " LEARNING CURVE OPPORTUNITY" and love to contiue to learn
grampa ken~ What I've learned about marriage...you think you know yourself until you get married. Men learning How to get women to give plenty of sex in a marriage is probably as tough as women learning how to get men to communicate. Another thing I learned from my relationship, others', and some of your wisdom is that when sex diminishes so does communication or maybe the other way around- chicken or the egg?
Thanks again for your great comments and advice.
marriage without love is not marriage
marriage is dinner and sex is desert
dinner can be good without desert but desert makes it special.
It should be redundant to say love AND marriage.
If desert is not on the menu for dinner then don't expect it, it won't be there.
Desert is not an obligation, it is a special treat.
We all need special treats.
ok, but what do you mean by special treats?
and you mentioned that marraige without love isn't marraige.
so if you don't have sex with your wife what do you think may happen?
i think that love will end and betraying will start
issues veritas~ well put "Desert is not an obligation, it is a special treat." I surely don't want dessert after every dinner, it's not as special or appetizing when it's expected.
Remon and issues veritas~ One of the points in my hub is the expectations that go with sex. Expectations vary from person to person. Most couples don't discuss their expectations of sex. Many men expect sex to continue and thrive just as before marriage, but when people are married they share other intimate aspects of a long-term relationship and there should be just as much satisfaction derived from those things than having more sex.
yes men "need" sex, but once married they should also learn to develop that single need into other ways of expressing and receiving love. To show and give love in one way (sex) is emotionally immature. A husband who concentrates on the sex aspect in a relationship,and has wife is making his dinner, doing his laundry, making his lunch (with a love note), and taking care of his children, is missing the meaning of love if he only sees the sex aspect.
izetti
I could try to wiggle out of it, but I screwed up.
Dessert, none for me, until I proof read.
--
My point on using the dessert analogy was that, the treat was for both parties and not as the means to convey their love. We say sleeping together, when we don't really mean sleep. We also say making love together, when it is really sex. When a married couple has love and they have sex, it is included in that love. If they don't have love, then it is just sex. The love is the core that binds them, and the sex is whatever they want it to be.
Issues veritas- no biggie on the spelling- I'm not perfect either.
Anyway, I do know what you mean. When married/relationships, love shouldn't be a seperate category as sex- they should be all inclusive. Sex is one aspect or expression of their love. I totally agree.
What's frustrating is that we hear more about sex or lack of sex rather than love or lack of love in relationships. If people concentrated on the true issue in the relationship, then the sex issue could solve itself in most cases. That's mostly society and science that like to have something measurable to rate a relationship and since love is subjective, it isn't easily measurable. So we concentrate on how many times a week a couple is having sex- that's easier to put into a statistc.
izetti
whats a couple of minutes during the week -- just joking.
To respond to your comment on love and lack of love. I think we are used to using sex as an indicator of whether the love is there or going away. When the sex in a relationship changes one way or another it is a gage of how the relationship is doing at any moment.
I didn't say it was accurate, I say that it is used as a gage.
This hub subject is really difficult and each relationship has to be evaluated individually. Expectations are also elusive and ambiguous especially when held silently by each partner.
Love must be one of the hardest things to define. A Supreme Court Justice was asked to describe "Pornography". His answer was that he could not describe it but said he knows it when he sees it.
Love could be hard to describe and easier to see, or feel.
Thanks for the thoughtful Hub, and the equally thoughtful responses to the comments. Unfortunately for some of us, there are those people who make wonderful companions, but when the honeymoon is over, their desire for their partner dies. They are unable or unwilling to try to rekindle the fire. They seem to be more in love with "being in love" than they are in love with their partner.. and mutual friendship and respect, not matter how deep and caring, can make for a pretty thin diet when your desire has not died.
Marriage without sex is similarly like having family without kids. Something missing. Yes, the quality of sex is far important than the quantity. Respect and understanding each other in sex life is become important. Your hub is indeed excellent.
issues veritas~ "I think we are used to using sex as an indicator of whether the love is there or going away." I like this and explains my point better than I did. I wish we could all relax and just be married, not comparing ourselves to the average or this year compared to last year, etc.
Redelf~ thank you for your comment. I do know the "being in love with love type". That's a tricky one to deal with and a good point ot make on this subject.
abinavis~ thanks for the compliment and I agree that sex should be a part of marriage but not the whole thing or the single thing to concentrate on of course, just like kids are part of a family but there are other relatives, etc.
dear izettl
maybe you think that i'm just kid but i comment on your subject because this issue is very important and i don't want you to misunderstand me about my opinions .
i respect your subject other wise i wouldn't comment on it.
but there is some one who is mocking of my opinion when he said
i'm just single. Ok, i do but you my brother you were singleor not
izettl i have parents and i know the importance of love in marriage
but you are the western consider that sex is a symbol of love
but at the same time it is desire if the husband and thewife didn't respect this relation
It is a fact that some people have marriage without sex. Your hub is based on practical fact.
Yes it is a simple fact and it represents a lot more marriages than one might think.
Some couples accept it and others don't but what I want everyone to know is that they shouldn't base their personal decision on what the average couple is represented in the media or the statistics.
Thanks for stopping by...
izettl, This is really a great hub. Let me put this way sex is looked at different angles at different places. It is a universal fact that Sex is essential part of marriage life. It is true that communication is main bridge between the couple. However in actual practical problem nothing works. So there are a lot of problem relating to sex. It is because a couple not understanding in depth need of sex by a wife or a husband. Prostitution flourished because of this problem at home.
The problem lies when either partner in a marriage keeps track of how often they're having sex- that's media's role. Any scorekeeping is detrimental to a relationship. I've talked to couples who are perfectly happy and when asked when their last sexual encounter was, they have to think back and sometimes it's easily been months, maybe a year, but they're otherwise happy and fulfilled.
So it seems if sex is a big issue, then there is definitely an underlying issue about something else because one thing (even if it's lack of sex) shouldn't make a couple or person so unhappy. All aspects of a relationship should matter, not just one singled out.
Problems on the aspect of sex in a relationship covers a variety of reasons why it occurs. The reason could be physiological or psychological. It could be because the other person has an affair that’s why his/her energy is not focused to just one partner, or has an illness or a concern that affects his/her drive for sex, or is physically not present for his/her partner due to the demand of his/her job and therefore is not able to perform this intimate act with his/her partner. There’s a lot more of factors available for consideration when it comes to this complex subject.
An idea that could be a starting point in dealing with this issue is the belief that: ‘Sexual intercourse is an artistic expression of oneself with the other person in an intimate way. It is intimate because a person performs the act of sex with his/her partner in a very personal way. It is an art because it is in itself an expression of oneself.’
Aspects on quantity of sex vs. quality, routinary vs. spontaneous sex, and sexual performance vs. problems are all factors of why the self's expression through sexual intercourse is laying low. Sex is the expression of a one’s desire to be one with the other. When it comes to this issue it is 10% about the other (your partner) and 90% about oneself (you). It always takes two to tango. It is not just about the other person. It is most of the time a question of ‘Why is this desire of mine to be one with my partner is ceasing?’ Always go back to the idea of sex as an expression of oneself, and therefore, ask yourself and let your partner ask himself/herself too of why this passion you both have for each other had gone. Once you laid each of your cards on the table, then you can start having the dialogue and settle whatever factors that affects you both.
The next question probably is ‘how can we both rekindle the fire we have for each other like before?’ That’s going to be another topic.
illustros~ I'm not even exploring the physical reasons- physical reasons aside (illnesses, disorders, etc) as I stated in the hub, there are many reasons why two people are not intimate sexually. But I believe it is 50/50, not 90/10 as you mentioned above. Communication, for instance, about expectations of sex once married is 50/50 so therefore the lack of sex would be as well, even if one person doesn't desire their partner and the other does.
For instance, a guy may expect sex from his wife, but is a jerk to her, so it isn't 90% about the woman in this case, it is at least 50% responsibility of the man to change his attitude if he desires his wife.
I know couples who don't have sex for several months at a time and are still engaged with each other in conversation and interests and intimate in other ways, but the difference is they communicated their expectations before getting married. Possibly, couples who have matching libidos and expectations of sex are happiest.Communication is a 50/50 responsibility.
Nice hub, izetti ;-)
my personal opinion is > it doesn't matter how often or seldom you have sex with your spouse...it's not the quantity but the QUALITY of sex you have....but having sex all the time or no sex at all is also "boring" or a bit odd and dull in a relationship. Unless otherwise there is "something wrong" or with the other partner (in fairness for those who cannot have sex or have sexless marriage) and they both agreed and or amenable to have no sex at all in their marriage life....or they might have some compromises....But sex "add spice" to the relationship and for as long as there is what they call "moderation" ;-)
This has been an interesting read. I won't get too personal but do want to say that I feel like in a role reversal situation. It can be frustrating when all the stereotypes you hear about what men want and what women want seem to be the opposite in my relationship.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
bhowell says:
7 months ago
Izetti, great hub. I just posted "One Penis Ago...."A Wife's Lament". Sometimes marriages with great sex also "peter" out, (no pun intended) due to illness such as Diabetes. When we take the vow "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" we never actually think those things will happen to us but they do! Keep up the great writing!!!