This is a humerous little tall tale on a serious subject, workplace sexual harassment.

Pigs Ass

“Ouch!” she screamed as Hubert pinched her bum, “Cut that out, I’ll have you up for sexual harassment.”

“Pigs ass!” Hubert snorted, and he let out a loud burp.

Hubert was the town drunk. He stank of stale beer and ogled any female that walked passed. Most women bypassed him because he was the biggest, womanizing pervert in town. His eyes didn’t just undress any woman that he checked out, they “you-know-what” them as well.

The pub was located beside a remote cattle station called Pinnacle Acres. All of the station hands drank at the pub after a long day in the yards.

“Next time you try that, I’ll crack you one,” Belinda Pinnacle warned.

She was one of the barmaids who copped the most attention from Hubert and was also the daughter of the station owner. Most blokes feared getting kicked off the station by showing her too much attention, except of course Hubert.

“Come on Hubert, time to call it a night, don’t you think?” said a burley young cattleman called Davo.

“Pigs ass!” was the customary reply. “I could out drink you any day, mate,” and he let out a loud burp.

“Let him be,” said Jonathon Pinnacle, the station owner’s son, “in fact you’d better finish that drink and bugger off Davo.”

Belinda’s mouth dropped in amazement and Jonathon quickly ushered her out to the back room to calm her down.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” she said.

“Look, I know Hubert is a big piss head, but that’s the reason why we have to keep him happy. The better he feels, the more he drinks, the more cash in the till,” Jonathon explained.

“Yes, but why pander to that old bastard? It’s got to be for more than just his money?”

“Well I was going to tell you tonight when the deal was finalized, but I suppose I could tell you now,” Jonathon said.

“What the heck is it! Just tell me,” Belinda demanded.

“Okay, okay, no need to get your knickers in a knot. As it happens, dad just accepted an offer from Hubert to buy the pub from Pinnacle Acres station. From tomorrow Hubert will be our new boss,” he explained.

“Like hell he will be,” she protested. “Where did he get the money?”

“He won it on horse race down at the track, apparently he put his life savings on some horse called ‘Gobfulla Tit’ which came home for him,” Jonathon said.

“How can that idiot land on his feet?” she said.

She couldn’t afford to quit yet as she was saving up to get herself out of Pinnacle Acres. Her family wouldn’t give her the cash because they didn’t want to see her go. This news got in the way of her dreams.

“I’ll show Hubert who’s boss,” she whispered as she burst back into the bar area.

Hubert had a glint in his eye because he could see Belinda was not happy and he guessed she just got the ‘good’ news.

“How about another drink love,” he said as though butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.

“Sure,” Belinda said, grimacing at the thought of her new boss.

“You know what would make this into a great place?” Hubert asked.

“What would that be?” she responded.

“Topless waitresses,” he answered and he burped extremely loudly. Belinda tasted the salami sandwich he ate for lunch, mixed with beer nuts and beer in his burp gas. She almost dry reached.

“You wouldn’t want to see the standards of this fine establishment lowered like that.” she said.

“Pigs ass!” Hubert snorted, and let out another loud burp.

“Yes, some titty girls would be nice, wouldn’t mind seeing that tomorrow,” he said. “And g-strings as well, I like g-strings, helps me get the meat out of my teeth.”

Belinda’s eyes started to welt but she couldn’t let him see her cry. She had an idea. She would put a shot of vodka in every beer he had. Make this the best drinks night in his lifetime, maybe he would forget about his lurid ideas by tomorrow.

Tomorrow came. No Hubert. She went out the back of the pub. Nothing. She heard a noise from outside, where the beer is delivered, near the cattle shed.

When Belinda went outside to investigate she found Hubert. He was draped over a hay bale. His bare bum was exposed as it looked like he passed out while he tried going to the toilet.

Hubert managed to open one eye to focus on Belinda. “Why aren’t you in your new uniform?” he demanded.

“Stuff this,” Belinda thought to herself. “The money isn’t that important” And with that she picked up a red hot branding iron that was sitting in a forty-four gallon drum of hot coals, just inside the cattle shed.

“Pigs Ass!” Belinda shouted, pressing the iron into his fat ass, branding him with Pinnacle Acres station initials ‘P.A.’. From now on she thought differently of the initials P.A., which now had new meaning for her, thanks to Hubert.