Should We Decide to Have a Baby?

Deciding if you should have a child with your partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make together as a couple. I don't mean to sound melodramatic here, but it is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. If you and your partner aren't ready to fully commit yourselves to the effort, energy and financial needs of another human being then you are not ready to become parents. It is a 24/7 day a week job. Anyone who tells you differently is either kidding themselves or you. (Future grandparents, perhaps?)

No one should try to pressure you into having children, it isn't a badge of honor to procreate. You'll need to sit down with your partner and have some really serious conversations about not only having children, but what your goals are as individuals and as a couple and eventually, as parents. Some of those goals may be very difficult, if not impossible to attain if you have children.

Under absolutely no circumstances should a couple attempt to have a baby to save a failing or flagging marriage. It's really easy to make a baby and a heck of a lot harder to raise a child. Adding a child to the mix of an unstable relationship is a lot more likely to end your marriage than save it.

That said, here's a list of some of the things you'll want to discuss right off the bat with your partner if the two of you are considering having a child, are in a healthy relationship and looking to complete your family:

• What are your goals over the next five years?

The next five years will be a blur of baby. Without a doubt they will be some of the most rewarding years of your life. You'll remember the highlights for years to come, but a lot of the details will get lost in the shuffle of day-to-day life. You'll want to clear your schedule for one partner if not both of you for the next five years. I'm not saying you can't both have full time jobs and be good parents, but if one of you is thinking of going to law school, perhaps now is not the best time to have a baby. Having a baby is like being in a constant state of flux, it's best to keep the changes you can control to a minimum. Make a list of the things each of you really wants to do in the next five years. If having a baby comes out on the top of both of your lists and you're both willing to sacrifice some of the other things on your list then you're ready to continue the conversation and possibly start trying to create a new life.

• Are we financially stable enough to live off the income of one working adult?

There are going to be times, regardless of what the two of you decide to do about childcare where one of you will need to stay home with the baby. Daycares are generally pretty strict about bringing kids in who are ill. School meetings sometimes happen during the 9-5 hours, as children get older, as well. Also, with the cost of daycare rising as it has, some parents have found themselves in the position where they're simply working in order to afford daycare. This is ridiculous, of course, at that point one of you may as well be a stay at home parent. Consider if your job would allow telecommuting on occasion, this will allow you to have a more flexible schedule in the first months after maternity leave. If you both need or want to keep your jobs the next questions you'll be asking yourselves is:

• When will we have to enroll our child in daycare?

• What are the most affordable daycare options available to us?

This is a sticky wicket for many couples. It can be a lifestyle choice, but on the other hand, sometimes it is a necessity. Regardless, it is a personal choice. If you get maternity leave the first question is pretty obvious... when your maternity leave runs out, it's time to put your child in daycare. For some mothers, this is one of the most heart-wrenching decisions they make. As a partner, you need to be truly supportive of the mother of your child, emotionally there are a lot of things going on for her right now. Other mothers look forward to getting back to work, no matter how much they love their new role as a mommy. Again, this is a personal choice, do not feel bad if you're looking forward to going back to work, it doesn't make you a bad mom! On the flip side, if you're dreading leaving your child in the care of somebody else, you need to ask your partner for support and talk to other moms who've been in the same situation. Your maternity leave is an excellent time to not only adjust to having an infant and bond with your new bundle of joy, but to gather as many support networks as possible, as well.

You'll have to interview daycares, consider babysitters and ask family members for help, if possible, too. Basically you'll be asking for references, but what it really boils down to is trusting your gut instinct. You'll want more than one back-up plan, sometimes daycares close for holidays when you'll still have to work. (Here's where the telecommuting option can really come in handy, if available.) Either way, you'll want some time to yourselves as well, so it's important to start interviewing babysitters and talk to your family members close by as soon as possible. How the two of you want to work out day care is a very personal decision. Sometimes it can be less expensive and more comfortable in an at-home daycare center, rather than a chain daycare setting.

Realistically speaking, a child is a financially intensive endeavor. The reality of it is that in the next 18 years after having your child you'll have spent at least $300,000 on your little one's upkeep! Diapers, formula, bottles, baby food, toys, clothes, (they grow out of them faster than you can put them on it seems,) these are things you'll need to start considering the cost of. If you have parents who can help out with the cost of care and upkeep for your little one, don't feel ashamed to ask, that's what grandparents are for! They've done it all and have invaluable advice on how to raise little ones on a budget. (It seems everyone has hit some hard times at some point in their lives.)

If your finances seem to be in good standing order and the two of you have come to an agreement you can both be completely satisfied with in regards to how your child will be cared for while one or both of you are working, you're a good part of the way to deciding if you should have a child.

The next thing you'll want to discuss with your partner is what kind of parenting styles you want to emulate. As a couple and as parents you'll want to present a united front to your child. If your parenting styles differ too vastly it is very difficult for your children to feel secure and have a sense of structure in their lives. Parenting styles differ, a parenting class is an excellent suggestion for anyone considering parenthood. They'll give you a better idea of the different parenting styles and acceptable methods for disciplining children.

I think religion is a really important topic to discuss with your partner, too. This can be a huge division between a couple that they don't even realize is there until it's too late. Find out how your partner feels about your religious beliefs and how they want to raise your child. Religion can be a wonderful enrichment to your future child's life. If your partner's religion differs vastly from your own, perhaps the two of you could raise your child in a multi-religious setting and allow them to make their own decisions as they grow older.

In essence, I think it's important as parents to remain a united front for their children, and deciding to have kids should not be taken lightly. Anybody can have kids, but it takes wisdom to know how to raise them.