Should You Keep Pictures of Your Ex?
80but still have pictures of your ex.
You are in a new relationship,
Do you keep them, or not?
A local radio station, here in Seattle, has Therapy Thursdays where they choose a listener's problem/question for other listeners to call in and give their advice about.
A recent question was from a woman about to move in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend still had a picture of his ex-wife, with whom he has children, hanging in his home. The woman thinks he should take the picture down, but he doesn't think he should.
The majority of the callers said he needs to get rid of the picture.
However, I can't agree that he should get rid of the picture.
Every relationship requires understanding, trust, and compromise. If you are ready to move in with somebody, you need to have all three of those things first.
In this case, the picture isn't merely of an ex, but the mother of this man's children. I can understand that it might be uncomfortable for the woman to be uncomfortable with a picture of her mate's ex-wife hanging in her home. But, will she also be uncomfortable with the children coming around and talking about their mother? The children are also constant reminders of a romantic relationship that no longer exists.
In my opinion, the best solution to this problem is a compromise: put the picture up in the children's room. This way, it is still in the home, but not in the ordinary living areas.
When should you get rid of pictures?
I do not advise every couple to keep pictures of their exes around after embarking in a new, serious relationship. So, when do you get rid of the pictures?
If your new love interest is really threatened and insecure about you keeping pictures of your ex, it might be because you put a lot of importance on your past relationship. As a way to show how much more important your new relationship is, you can get rid of old pictures.
You can also compromise by putting the pictures away. Especially if the pictures are group shots, with other friends, they might be fun to look at in twenty years. If you and your new love are still together then, old picturesof an ex shouldn't be a big deal by then.
What I don't recommend is point blank refusing to get rid of pictures.
The best way to dealing with this situations is talking about it--I don't mean arguing or fighting, but actually talking about it.
A healthy relationship can only exist with a lot of open communication. If both of you can express your reasons for wanting to keep or get rid of the pictures, you will both learn a lot about your relationship. In fact, it might be the thing that keeps you from becoming exes.
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What do you think? Keep pictures or not?
Interesting Hub!
Seattle's Therapy Thursdays may have given rise to or come from the concept of Frashier Crane's show, eh?
First of all, moving in with a boyfriend does not usually work out (over 70% of the time). Second, the picture of the boyfriend's ex-wife should hang in the children's bedrooms or a rec room, but not in the kitchen, the living room, or the master bedroom. If the boyfriend is going to have a relationship with a woman, this adult man-woman relationship should be serious and the first relationship in the man's life and this relationship should care of the children. The ex-wife certainly has at least partial custody. I don't think kids should be subjected to a "daddy's girfriend." The boyfriend and woman should get married or keep the woman out of the house.
I would NOT want to see any pics of any ex of my bf or husband. Not even once. And I surely wouldn't want them hanging up in my home. But then, I'm a jealous biatch. ;)
What do you guys think about an ex who is still friends with your partner? What if you are friendly with the ex too? Are pictures from when they were a couple acceptable to keep or just friendly pics?
well i still have pictures of my exs, but then again im not married n havent been either, but well its not exactly smart to let the other person or ur new fling see them i mean they're there n its nice to remember them everyonce in a while..
I only have pictures of one ex...and that is only because they good pictures of my boys/birds. I do not keep them out in plain view. My most recent has kept pictures of me and us, and it is really weird because I'm already on his new fiancees' bad side because he wants to remain friends. Usually I am big on the destroying of all photographic evidence as part of the healing process!
Vivid memories are better.
I definitely agree with the 'no ex pics hanging up rule'. Who wants to see photos of their ex everyday anyway! (Just my opinion) However, I was married once and the one thing I really didn't know what to do with were the wedding pics. Obviously I would never show them to a new beau even though I'm honest about my divorced status. But I also don't hate my ex, we just were not good as a couple, so destroying them seems improper. Not to mention the photos have other family members in them etc. If anyone has advice on what you should do in this circumstance I would like to hear it. For now they remain in a box in my closet where they have been since the divorce. Great Hub!
I think when you're truly over your ex, you won't want to keep the pictures. Personally, I hold on to things that have sentimental value. Those things do not include pictures of my ex - well, except in storage, because I imagine one day, when I'm old and grey, I'll sit on the porch in my rocking chair and make voodoo collages out of the pictures from my ill spent youth.
I've heard that a lot of divorced couples split the wedding pictures. He gets pictures with his family, she gets pictures with hers. It is more about the other people in the pictures, then the wedding itself that make people want to keep them.
When my husband and I got engaged, we moved in together. He had already kept friendships going with some ex girlfriends and he also had pictures of his 2 "standouts" the ones he was really in love with. We had arguments about them and he refused to get rid of them. THEN 8 days prior to our wedding he tells me he had sex with his female BF once or twice-which he said he didn't. It took us getting married, me getting pregnant and the flu before he got rid of them, then a few years later, I find out by looking in his trunk that he had actually kept some-still. My advice, pictures & friendship with ex's will RUIN your life and take away from the foundation of your marriage.
I think that the more recent the pictures the harder it is for your partner to deal with. If you want to keep hold of them I suggest putting them away.
Asking a spouse or boyfriend to take down picutures of their ex (be she the mother of his children or not) does not indicate that a person is "threatend or insecure." It is a simple setting of boundaries in a relationship. If some guy I'm dating has a picture of his ex-wife on the wall, I'm thinking he has some seriously unresolved issues with her. It would be an indication to me, that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship with someone else.
keeping pics will eventually cause problems now or later, if they are in storage someone will find them an a conflict will usually arise.
Hell no!!! My boyfriend had 2 albums of pictures of his ex and him and the kids. i went through both albums and i got rid of all the pictures of them together and i put all the ones with him and the kids and her and the kids back in the albums and gave it back to her golddigging ass!!!! He was mad at first but he soon got over it. but any picture i find that the kids bring over to my house of their mom and dad i rip it and throw it away. I already worned them.
are they dangling from a noose? if yes, then sure, go ahead.. no seriously, it depends if the pics include the kids or not. Keep them for the kids.
p.s. to Jennifer - LOVE YOUR COMMENT :)
i found pictures of my husband ex gf this morning. it was on this old bag, weve just move on this new apartment and im wonderng why he still have this bag, untill i found out that there is lot of pictures with her ex gf inside the bag, i dont feel jealous or anything i felt envy. envy because my husband have pics of his ex instead of pictures with me. but ofcourse i have pics of husband with me. i cant say that he is cheating with me but is keeps bothering me... is my husband really loves me? to tell honestly my husband is very quiet person his not vulgar with his feelings.. unlike me... were been married for 4 years and have a 2 year old daughter, my husband is unromantic person, his so hard to reach sometimes, when i keep asking on a thing he gets mad easily. thats why sometimes i thought its much easy for me to marry same filipino man instead of a japanese man. same nationality same heart i guess... so im like hanging right now. my husbands true feelings with me is still like a puzzle. because of that pictures and my his acting towards me...
I don't see the problem with photos in themselves. Having a picture of an ex on a wall is a bit odd, in the living room, I agree.
I have some photos of my ex, from travelling we did. Those were great trips, and part of my history, part of what makes me who I am. They are in a cupboard - somewhere!
My bbf of 4 mos still has his ex wife on the living wall. He changed the frame lately and I thought that was weird. I didn't have a problem with her pic hanging up until he changed the frame. It was an upgraded nicer frame. Anyone think this a bitt off?
mine keeps them and now he is an ex and guess what , i keep no pics of him either
Pics of the ex should be banned completely! An Ex is a past memory and the woman in your life should be the apple of your eye. Esp if hanging them up upsets her you need to toss them away forever, or hide in a shoebox and let it stay there.
He should get rid of them or at the very least he should not have them so prominently displayed where its easily seen.
I can understand the girlfriend being uncomfortable about it as, who knows he might be hoping that they can somehow get back together? There is such a thing as "Sex with your Ex" which in my opinion is a bad idea.
I think that an is the past and if you are starting a new relationship with someone else you shouldnt have pictures saved or displayed all over your computer or house. It only shows me that you havent let go of the person and that their is unresolved issues between you and tht person. It is disrespectful to keep pictures and videos of your exs..simple. If you are moving on with your life and have someone that is important to you, you shouldnt need reminders of what you had but start making reminders of what you "have".
my fiance keeps a whole box in our home of pics of his ex girlfriends. says it is uncomfortable to show them to me. so of course i went through all the pics, how could i not! he doesnt know that i looked through them. I find it very disturbing that he holds onto this past life of his, since we are engaged and says I'm the love of his life. I have never told him to get rid of these pics, i would like for that to happen on it's own. But I see that it wont. i have no pics of any ex's. they are out of my life and out of my mind and my focus is on the love i am with NOW. I would like to think that he thinks the same. Holding on to his past pics shows me he may still have feelings or cares for his ex's, and can't bring himself to put them in the past.
The guy I used to date and I had a fight over he still had the photos of his ex. During the fight he got up and told me he went to get rid of them and I believed him. Sometimes later, I checked the draw accidently and found all the photos still there. He was just removed them from one draw to another and thought that I would not find out. I dumped all of them in the dumpster and felt really good after that. Of course how can I marry a LIAR so I broke up with him soon after that.
How Pathetic, they are exes for a reason! if someone has chose to be with you then why are you all worrying about a little photograph, photos represent the past and of course people have exes in the past,
IF someone wanted to be with there ex still they would be with them simple! a photo is a photo it cannot come alive!! so all get over yourselves, and to the girl who threw out the photo's, thats just spitefull and you have issues!! thats throwing away someones memories! i hope someone does something like that to you one day!
I am so glad I found this Hub!
I am having this issue right now with my fiance, his mother has kept a box with all his old school stuff. It has love letters, pictures, grades, the box is just full. So, I decided, with him sitting right here, I would go through it, as we went to Junior Kindergarten together when we were 5. So, I began to go through it, and I found pictures of him with his ex's, love notes, a love book, and other love notes from random ex's as well. I have no idea how his mother go this stuff, but she did.
So, I dont want the pictures or love notes/book in our house, and told him I was throwing it out. He started to freak out, and say it was from HIS mother, and this was HIS past.. and got really defensive. What makes this story even more frustrating, is that I was married before, and HAD to get rid of ALL my wedding photos and everything to do with him.
So, I have asked him why he didnt want me to throw this stuff out, and it I wanted to because it bothered me, he has a life with me and 2 children, why is he hooked on keeping these pictures?
I already have trust issues, and he does not help by doing this. I need to be reassurred, and him keeping these pictures and he wont tell me why, makes me wonder. He gets so angry and defensive which is a HUGE red flag.. I just dont know what else to do.
I have moved in with my boyfriend of three years, and he has finally agreed to take down his ex-wife's pictures from our bedroom walls. However, he carries pictures of his ex-wife in his lunch box every day and shows them to fellow employees, etc. He has a few pictures of me, but they keep ending up at the bottom of the stack. He did have his ex's pictures displayed in the visor of his car, and I had to look at them whenever I rode in his car. I don't mind his keeping pictures of his ex, but I don't think it's right for him to carry them with him at all times - he even carries more pictures of his ex than he does of me. I told him the pictures belong in a photo album - not in his lunch box, pockets, or visor. What do you think?
My husband of seventeen years has an ex wife who insist on taking pictures with just him and their children at family events. What do you think?
Before I discovered these photos, we've been engaged for about a year. We stayed with his parents for 3 months, then one day he was at work, and I had this itch to look through his photo albums. Which he has showed me before. Hoping I wouldn't discover anything more than just an album of his high school gf's, in a separate compartment there was a zipper bag of more photos. Nosy me, went through them all. For some odd reason, I felt betrayal. As if hoping that he would already ditch these things in the midst of being serious with me. I can see how it shouldn't bother me, but it did tremendously. At the time I was already 6 months pregnant. It was almost as if he was collecting pictures. They were pictures of them attempting to be cute, with messages on the back, each saying "I love you" etc. He was engaged a few years prior to us, and he kept his promise ring from her, along with her pictures and notes. I think I hurt so much because I didn't want to imagine any other woman in love with my fiance. But that's inevitable now a days. Also, considering the fact that these woman did him wrong, either cheated, broke his heart, or used him for money, it is odd that he would keep their pictures. He says he has them kept away, and he doesn't go back in the drawer. Personally, when I break up with someone I rid all their things, only to rid the memories I had with them. When I asked him why he kept his promise ring and pictures of his exes piled up like a collection, he said throw them away. Obviously I did. However, a huge part of me would rather have him throw them away. It's apparent that if he wanted them discarded he would have done so himself. Also his parents keep his prom pictures up in the living room, where he's holding hands with other woman. I don't know if I should say something about that, I haven't yet, but it seriously bothers me every time I go over there. She has pictures of our son up, and her family. Is it just me, or is it wrong that she has pictures of 2 different woman all over him.
God I am so proud of my boyfriend after reading all these stories
I had similar issues with my partner. He had been split from this girl for three years when we met, and when we eventually got together he still had all her pictures/postcards etc. I didn't bother me for a good 8 months, until I thought about the fact that I'd lost my virginity to him with her face tacked to the wall behind me.
Enough was enough, so I questioned why he kept them. His answer was that he couldn't be bothered to throw them out - I mean c'mon. Blu-tacked to a wall? All you've got to do is pull it off! Anyway, I explained that it was making me uncomfortable as we had been together for a while and they had been split for such a long time and he agreed to remove them with no problems.
A few months later I found that he kept some of it, and that's when I lost my cool. Deliberately deceiving your partner isn't really my idea of fun.
It's been roughly two years since then and it still makes me angry sometimes to think of it. Personally, if my ex kept stuff from me I would be freaked out - in fact I'd probably demand that he removed them.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't believe in clinging, which is what I think holding onto those kinds of items is. I don't think it's emotionally healthy, as well as a waste of time. It's called the trash.
I am married for 2 years now, I started living with my Husband for a couple months now. I saw pics, accessories and video tape with my husband and his wife. I am very envious. I dont want to see these things in my sight, If my husband loves me and wants to make me happy, them he should get rid of these things from his pass, because I am his present.
I found three framed photos of my husbands ex in a drawer in his desk at work. What does that mean. THey have been divorced for ten years. He says he hates her but I am feeling like he is still attached to her. By the way we have only been married two years and he will rarely have sex with me. They are not having an affair.
Peri, there are lots of reasons people keep pictures of their exes. I have pictures of my exes in a box in the closet, because I keep lots of photos from my past. I don't throw out pictures of dead relatives or pets, and exes are still a part of my past. I still cringe when I see them by accident, but maybe that's a good thing.
Your sexless marriage probably has nothing to do with the photos you found. There are lots of reasons people stop having sex, usually do to intimacy and communication.
Ann, how can you be married for two years but only living with your husband for a couple of months? It sounds like you have a lot more to worry about than a few photos or videos!
im married for about 2 mths now, my husband used to be a very wild person, who have sex a lot with his "frens".
i was a virgin and i gave it all to him on our wedding night.
we've been quarelling a lot, cause i found out tht he cheated on me before our engagment when he promised he wouldnt.
then recently, i found out a folder, full of porn ( which he deleted in front of me) and also sec videos of him and his girl frens.
what does it mean by tat? why does he still keep all those videos? now he do not allow me to touch his laptop anymore. so there is no way i can find out if he still keeps those pics and videos or not.
sorry , i meant SEX VIDEOS OF HIS WILD TIME with his girl frens.
My boyfriend was married for 22 years and had 3 kids, and his wife walked out on him. Initially she kicked him out of the house and he had to stay in a rented room for 6 weeks till he found her a house to stay in. So now after being separated for a year he met me, and 1.5 years on he asked me to move in with him, and before when I used to visit for short period of time, the way things were in the house bothered me but not as much as they do now I am living here with him. There is a birthday calendar in the toilet with her writing on it, and also just the general layout of the house is the exact same way that it was when he and his ex had a home together, the only difference is that she isnt there anymore, and there are no photos of her except in the kids bedrooms. I asked him today if I can make some changes to the house, put some new pictures of us up, also to make me feel more like I have a connection to the home.But he said no, and to wait till we have bought a new house together.
Because now I feel as if I am living in another womans shadow. I just feel really hurt and confused, because he is always willing to talk about the future and making a new life with me, but he wants to leave this house this way till he can sell it, as he has put it onto the market. But with the recession and the way things are, it will be another 2 years minimum till he sells this house. I dont know what to think and do anymore, its also the same story with his divorce, he's waiting for his wife to sign the papers, he gave her the papers a year ago now?!!!! Any advise is welcome!!!!!!
I got divoreced 4 years ago and made sure I had no remaining pictures of my ex. The pictures I have with my daughter I kept and gave him the pics of him and the ones of him and my daughter together. But my fiancee now of 2 years still had pics of his ex who he has a child with and he hasn't removed them. I saw some videos of him having sex with his ex and also cyber sex with some other girl. I then phoned him up to question these things and he explained it was before he met me. but still it bothers me why he still kept those tapes! plus im pregnant with this guy and I have kicked him out! I don't trust him anymore.
I've been dating someone for about 8 mths and he still has pictures of his ex displayed in his apartment. They broke up a month or so before we met and started dating so when I saw her picture up, I felt I couldn't say too much because not much time had passed since the final end of their relationship. Not to mention that to my knowledge he has been completely honest about the circumstances of their break-up, that they are still friends and do talk on occasion. So after we officially became a couple ( a few weeks ago) I let him know that seeing the photos of her makes me feel uncomfortable and makes it difficult for me to feel like he is focused on us. He said he understood but when I went to his place a week later, the pictures are still there. By no means do I expect him to destroy any memories...I guess it just makes me feel lousy when I tell him how it makes me feel and they are still there.
My husband has a large collection of DVDs (maybe 100 or so)and pictures (100s) graphically depicting sex life with his former wives. He has viewed these on his computer or television almost every day throughout the 10 years we have been together. Whenever I have expressed to him how hurtful this is to me he denies my feelings and says I am nuts. I have to agree, I am nuts that it took me ten years to call it quits.
I say toss it out. Why hang on to all that old stuff anyway? After all, isn't the ex an ex for a reason?
I put up with my husband's collection of old "keepsakes" because he said he was the sentimental type and these were his memories of his life.
However, when I found a very provocative 20 year old love letter dated two months before his second daughter was born, I immediately threw it into the trash without even asking or telling him about it.
Sentimantal or not, I draw the line when it comes to him keeping mementoes of cheating on his then pregnant wife.
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jtboswell says:
2 years ago
I don't think anyone should keep pictures of their ex. Any and all pictures of just the ex and the other person together should be done away with. If there are children in the pictures with the ex and the other parent put it in the kids room. That's ok. Any pictures of children with the ex is ok. But nothing else. That's my opinion. Great article!