Should You Reveal Your Sexual History - Truth vs Ignorance
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To tell or not to tell? Chances are that your sexual exploits (or lack there of) have come up up at least once in your social life and its rarely an easy discussion unless you have nothing to hide. Of course, pride in one's private life can reveal a yellow brick road to lifelong happiness or immediately have a complete reversal of your respect for that person.
I'm one of the most open minded guys out there. I try to put myself in everyone else's shoes when I want to chastise a person for their behaviors or actions. In no ways am I an angel or proclaim to be, but I profess having a strong ethic of right versus wrong. Yet, when it comes to matters relating to sexual history of a future partner, I tend to take the moral "high road" and generally pursue those who have done the same. I have a horror story that once you read it, may sound like a ridiculous fallacy, but I assure you the following events did transpire.
I recently began a non-physical relationship with someone who I fell for almost immediately. Several days into that relationship, she informed me that she was positive for an easily transmissible virus called Herpes. Being an expert in infectious diseases, I know very well how these diseases are transmitted and the after affects of infection. While this bothered me, it did not keep me from pursuing her. Now realize, this is already a substantial risk taken on by my own personal choice. With proper medication and periodic abstinence during outbreaks, we could reduce the probability of transmitting the virus to myself, because once you are infected with this virus, you have it for life. This was a risk I was willing to take because I thought this girl might just be "the one"!
Nevertheless, while the courtship grew over time I began to find out more information as we had mutual friends who spoke independently amongst themselves. My best friend then approached me with firsthand knowledge that the girl I was pursuing had gotten the disease from an unknown source because of an extremely promiscuous past. So bad in fact, that I thought my jaw would fall to the floor. I learned she had been a participant in an online sexual network that included intercourse with multiple partners in so called "swinging clubs" or a group event that involved her as the only female with multiple men.
While being completely floored with this knowledge, I asked it there was any truth in these rumors. The look on her face was enough to verify the answer was yes. I asked for some time to rationalize and the next day I broke it off. Did I make the right decision? I'm not sure, but I would like to explain why.
Being included into the politically correct generation for a while now, I think its wrong to hold a negative view of a person for beliefs that go against your own. Just because you disagree with them, you still should respect them and consider their point of view. However, I could not keep from thinking about a scenario 20 years from now where I say to myself "the mother of my kids has been passed around like a play toy." So does it make me a bad person to judge someone by their past actions? Does it help extrapolate any future behaviors of infidelity or intimacy issues?
I racked my brain about this for many days trying to find a way to ignore or accept this information and let it pass me by. I failed. For me, it was impossible to put this concept of forgiveness and acceptance into place because the idea of her, or any future wife), behaving in such a disreputable behavior was simply not acceptable to me.
To further justify my actions, I asked the majority of my friends if they were in a similar situation, what would they do? The unanimous answer was rather surprising. Two of eight men said "Yes, they could over look it" but that came with a few quid pro quos. The answers that really surprised me were the female reactions (seven in total), such as "No, how could you date someone like that", or my personal favorite was "You have got to be kidding me, run, run and run some more." I was assuming that more sympathy would come from women than men, but my limited study only had fifteen participants.
The big question is: What would you do in the same situation? Its so easy to use the phrase "You should do this," but when the scenario requires you be placed in a difficult position, the results are often far different from the politically correct side of the argument.
Personal Note: I encourage questions or comments on this article subject. What would you do?
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Comments
I think is better not to tell.
Unless you have an infectious disease and the other person must be informed, there is not point in revealling your sexual history.
It does't matter how "modern" or "liberal" men are, they always like to think of their choosen girl as virginal as possible.
The same goes for a girl. No, we don not want to know about ALL your previous girls (even if we say that we do!). We too, like to think ourselves unique in your lives!
Answers to lifes problems can be recieved one of two ways. Through secular opinion, or Divine Truths. No matter who we meet in life, friend or foe we all have one thing in common, and that is a PAST. The Quality of a friendship is of greater value than the quantity of friends. A TRUE friend is one who knows everything about you and loves you anyway. TRUE LOVE is unconditional ! TRUE LOVE sees the best in everyone, not the beast. I thank GOD that HE does not JUDGE by an outward appearance, but HE looks at the heart. I am not where i need to be in my life i know; But thanks be unto to GOD i am not what i use to be. If it was not for the mistakes in my past, I would never have known about God's Grace and Mercy in the present. The more we lift a finger to help someone, the less we will point a finger to hurt them. As far as what you should do concerning your situation; suffice it to say that if you truly want the WISDOM to know a thing; I beseech you to call out to GOD who's WISDOM and KNOWLEDGE is ABOVE ALL ! The greatest mistake we can make in our life, is taking the place of GOD and judging our fellow man. May TRUTH and JUSTICE prevail.
Alan
"Alan" is right in saying that we are not fit to judge one another, since none of us are perfect. He is also right in saying that a true friend is one who accepts you for all that you are. But as for unconditional love -- I've asked myself this very question more than once: Can love really be unconditional?
If love were unconditional, then we would love everyone the same way, regardless of their differing characters, personalities, appearances, and circumstances, would we not? But the reality is that we love different people to different degrees and in different ways depending on their relationship to us (i.e. parent, sibling, spouse, offspring), how well we like their character and personality (the better we like their personality, the better friends we are likely to be with them), whether we are attracted to or repulsed by their appearance (repulsion means less likely to want to date them, etc.), and how well we can accept their circumstances, amongst other things.
In your case, it is her past that bothers you. It's her past that you cannot accept. And personally, I think that's understandable because our pasts contribute a great deal into making us who we are. No matter what, we always take our past with us, wherever we go. It is the one thing that we can never change. We have only the choice of whether we'll accept it, embrace it, or bury it.
Ultimately, the question you have to ask yourself (concerning her) is whether YOU can live with her past. Will it haunt you? Or will you be able to accept it and love her despite it? I think you asked yourself that question and found the answer to be that her past will haunt you in the future, if you were to marry her. In that case, perhaps it IS better to break of the relationship. After all, it's not a good relationship for either party involved if one of you is constantly bothered by something that neither of you can ever change. Unless you could bring yourself to accept it -- and I mean TRULY accept it, not just brush it aside -- the knowledge of what she had done in her past would just plague you as long as you are together, ESPECIALLY if you love her. If you do not accept her past, then it will pain you more the deeper the feelings you have for her.
And as for the question in the title of your blog, I think yes, you should reveal everything if you intend to be serious with your partner. Honesty is the best policy in such matters because the person kept in the dark about his/her partner's past may feel cheated when he/she finds it out later, and you never told them. So my advice would be to be candid and forward concerning these things, especially if the relationship is getting serious and/or physical.
P.S. In reply to Princessa's comment:
Would you rather be deceived into thinking you are "unique", as you say, in your partner's romantic life, and then find out that you are not? Or would you rather your partner be honest with you and trust you with his past? Deception in this area will only build mistrust. But if the truth is known, then you have the chance to accept it, come to terms with it, and build mutual trust through it.
Sadly, I have just found myself in a very similar situation and am totally knocked back by it and would appreciate some help.
I don't think I am judgemental and I love my partner. We are both in our 40's and have been together for well over a year and living together for most of that time most recently in a house I have rented. I have children and am going through an ugly divorce (so far for over 2 years) and she was in a long-term relationship which ended a couple years ago with a few partners since.
Yesterday, she asked me if I had ever had sex on an aeroplane (I am a pilot) and said no. She then told me that she had done so many years ago in her teens. She then went tell me that her man at that time had been unfaithtful and had encouraged her to take part in sex with multiple partners (her and 2 men; him, her and another woman and more variations on group sex). This man was 15 years older than her (and seemingly a drinker and a sleazebag) and she told me that it was easy for her to have been maniplulated by him in this way. I accept this is true but I now have a great deal of trouble accepting what she did. I also have a great deal of difficulty with her sharing this now ie over a year into our relationship. She had already told me that she lost her virginity at 15 to a petty criminal who introduced her to drugs. This was hardly what I wanted to hear (especially with teenage daughters myself) but at least she told me early on.
I asked her if she enjoyed it and she said although she could enjoy the acts themselves while they were happening, the insistence of her partner to share her in this way destroyed the relationship (such as it was-she says she loved him).
The problem for me is that it seems ridiculous at at 47 to feel so deeply troubled by this aspect of her past. I am questioning why she seemed to be attracted (and misused) by a succession of older men.
Perhaps more troubling, she compared me to this guy in that she says she feels a similar energy in me. I honestly do not believ this to be so but am now very hurt especially when she told me what he did to her and the stuff (above) she got involved with. She says she feels I am likely to be unfaithful (I have not been and so far feel that I can be faithful). She has searched my bags for evidence of affairs and says she will continue to do so until she is sure that I will be faithful. She wants to have children but at 44 (and possibly with her history of 2 abortions and the stuff above), time may have passed her by. I was open to the idea too (until yesterday).
I am concerned that although this stuff is all in her past, there is some psychological damage which caused her to behave in this way (ie the misuse by older men). I do not need the potential mother of my children to be a basket case. I am now questioning whether the qualities (as well as her gorgeous looks) I saw in her eg warmth, love, spriituality and apparent openess (all lacking in my previous marriage) have blinded me to problems which I have deliberately tried to play down eg talk of previous lives.
I am really in a turmoil. Please offer any mature thoughts/inputs on the way ahead.
Thanks.
@ mark747hk
That's a difficult situation, and I can certainly relate b/c I had these issues in mind when I wrote the above article several months ago.
Her past will likely come to the forefront in the future, just as it has surfaced now by checking your bags. I'm not an expert in behavioral pyschology, but I do know enough about people to extrapolate where their current behaviors could eventually lead once you extend the trendline. One notable example is her comparison of your actions to that of an old flame. People who were severely jaded by an event, can occasionally put that hurtful "blueprint" over every relationship just to protect themselves from ever letting it occur again... even if it isn't justifiable.
My own humble advice would be to ask yourself 2 questions:
1) Does she make you happier than any woman you've been with?
2) If her issues of trusting men and a better than average probability of similar events occuring in your future relationship will be a source of conflict, you must ask yourself how much internal conflict you're willing to accept.
Speaking as a kid from divorced parents, it's far more stressful on the kids than the parents so I hope you make the decision with the utmost of confidence in yourself to solve the present turmoil and be prepared to deal with it on a regular basis. If not, perhaps you should review your child bearing goals, and potentially your relationship status.
Of course, it's easy for some Joe Schmoe like me to tell you how you should feel, but it really comes down to what makes you happy.
Best of luck!!!
Matt,
Thank you for your advice-it is solid and I appreciate your kindness.
I am absoultely laid low by what she told me-what I have problems with is why I feel this way. I am not in my twenties and I have done some stuff I am not proud of (but keeo to myslef) when I relaised my marriage was an emtpy lie (I had several affairs). But what she revealed just cuts me to the core.
We spoke on the phone tonight (it's my 2 days with my kids so my partner stays at her flat while I have my kids over-another issue she has made me feel bad about even though I have been advised, legally and by a psychologist-that it is better alround-especailly for my kids-if she stays a secret until I am eventually divorced). Though I wanted to wait until we were face to face, she felt my discomfort and asked if was because what she had told me yesterday. I told her yes. I think (and told her) my biggest problem is that she has compared me to this fucking shit-bag because she feels a similar "energy" from me (she is into energy, previous reincarnations etc). I am distraught that anyone should think that I am an abusive shit and told her so. She said tonight that this is not what she meant but, as I told her, she has said it more than once. She said she didn't mean to compare me to him and that if I was like him she wouldn't be with me now. She also said that the pain in me was from within me not from her (though she apologised for how she might have made me feel).
I got a few "take a deep breath" from her tonight. I told her I had been taking deep lung-fulls to get through the day (unfortunately, I can feel the tension has adversely affected my 2 days with my kids and perhaps that should be all the warning signs I need) but with little positive effect.
Getting back to your post, yes she makes me feel happier than anyone else but she has also makes me feel worse too. Tonight she said she only disclosed her past because I asked her to; maybe but maybe not-she had raised the issue of fucking on planes (out of the blue) after we had made love. Was this some kind of test for my response? I honestly think that I have been pretty accommodating with her occasionally telling me more than I might have wanted to know and have tried to be supportive eg when she told me a home porn film she made with her last (I think) ex went missing and someone tried to blackmail her over it. Tonight she (quite rightly) said I have an issue with something that happened 25 years ago and that she can't change it. She also said she regrets nothing and loved this guy at the time. I can honestly say I do have an issue (including her lack of regret that what she did ie a string of older and seemingly abusive me from the time she was 15, was not "normal") but what I need to know is should I care or am I just being a complete jerk? I am a fervent Dan Savage fan but I am pretty he would say "DTMFA" about me over this. Perhaps he would be right.
One of the things that is burning me is that she had ample chance to disclose stuff that might have affected my health (like her multiple-at-once-partners or at least the risk it presents down the line) a year ago when we met. I told her that I might be an HPV risk right from day one (turns out my wife probably gave it to me without my knowledge) yet this stuff (or at least her appraisal of the risk her past may still present) went unmentioned.
Another issue I identified and told her about tonight was that she has accused me of avoiding sex when she might get pregnant-her phrase was "are you tricking me" ie fucking her without any intention of getting her pregnant. Not true but perhaps bizarre thinking none the less. I understand her clock is ticking and again believe I have been very supportive to the idea that we could have a child together. With all the shit that has just happened, I an wondering if I have been duped and am just a sperm source before it is too late. I need to put immediate stop to that now (if it is not too late) until we resolve things (or not).
As for her threesomes etc, she said I was jealous that I had not done it when I had admitted that it was a fantasy (albeit not all-consuming) in our convesration yesterday. She said we should discuss my desires in this regard. I told her that she had made it clear to me yesterday that she did not want to go there again and therfore that I would not dream of pressing her to and considered the issue closed.
The other issue we discussed was her hang-up on my fidelity. I told her I have not touched another woman since we met. She told me that these feelings of insecurity have only just surfaced again with me and that she was troubled by what the shit-bag above did to her by fucking around (with and without her) all those years ago. A complex issue (beyond me) I'm sure.
Anyway Matt, thanks again for your ear and your reply. Just writing this has helped a little.
Any other inputs will be gratefully received.
Thanks.
@ mark747hk
Yeah you got some serious issues to tackle my friend. Problem is, there really isn't a set YES or NO answer I can give to all of them, but you - and you only - must run this gauntlet of issues and decide if you're willing to live with ALL of them.
The other thing I've detected is that these issues are the type that will "nag" at every possible wrong moment. They might resurface 3 days, 3 months or 30 years into the relationship. Nothing worse than laying awake on your pillow at night worrying about something you can't solve or you're afraid to bring up in conversation fearing she (or you) might go off.
I'll try to answer your questions/comments as they come up in your last comment:
1) Regarding your kids -- good move. Keep them completely out of the loop until you get your relationship business resolved and life has stabilized.
2) "yes she makes me feel happier than anyone else but she has also makes me feel worse too" ... Disturbing!!! This is almost like a statement from a bipolar patient who is manic one day and depressed the next. Such volatility is not good for long term stability, and if you want a great example, find an investment banker and take a look at his face -- especially in the 2008 financial market. It will take a toll on your mental health, as well as those around you who will likely pick up on the tension.
3) "like her multiple-at-once-partners or at least the risk it presents down the line" ... This is a typical male response, b/c his wife is supposed to be a cherished or virginal type of being, but in reality, it's not a fair social norm to place upon the fairer sex. Truth is, it's more of a pot calling a kettle black (forgive my American adage), but it's one that seems trivial to me considering the grander issues before you.
4) Possible HPV infection - get yourself tested, and her as well. It's perfectly reasonable for both of you (or anyone else) to get some simple lab tests done prior to intimacy. I'm a former infectious disease researcher, so maybe I'm more sensitive to the subject than most, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You can also check into getting the HPV vaccine called Gardasil from Merck & Co, but I'm unsure if it's been approved by the EMEA for use in Europe.
5) "she has accused me of avoiding sex when she might get pregnant" ... Well it's like a few unscrupulous women have purposely tried to get pregnant to hold onto a man (or his wallet) in the history of sexual encounters, but I would be extremely careful when making such a statement. Such women are rare in my opinion, and there really isn't anything you can do but increase your detective work (tread lightly here). As a precaution, you could reduce your pregnancy risks by using overlapping methods of protection. Barrier protection and hormone therapy are the most common methods.
Sorry Matt-posted the last before checking your response.
Just to clarify, when I say she makes me feel better and worse than anyone else, I don't mean that I am on some daily rollercoaster of mixed emotions-I have been here once or twice before now (in 16 months). Generally, we have a warm and loving relationship-it has been only soured by the issues I have mentioned. Unfortunately, for me this latest issue is a huge turn for the worse.
I am not sure if I deserve the "pot calling the kettle black" tag-I told her of my possible risk and asked her to go away and consider how she felt about it. You are right about the testing though, we both should do it. As for Gardasil, I believe it is only effective in the teens and early twenties.
Finally, you are right about the nagging-only a few hours sleep in the past 2 days clearly shows how it has affected me. We were due to go away for a holiday sometime over Christmas/New Year-not sure what is best now.
Thank you again.
I am not making the statement about sleeping with her but deliberately avoiding having sex when she could get pregant-these are her words and sentiments not mine (and not true in my case) and (like I say) perhaps show a suspiciousness that once again is not founded. I was happy to father a child with her though I feel I need to call halt to it all for now (perhaps for ever).
Dude .. run for the hills.
@ Lora
I did -- this was about 1 and 1/2 years ago.
A few months ago I got engaged to my girlfriend. Then a couple fo months later she tells me the last guy she slept with before me was this really famous musician. (who's song we got engaged to) I obviously didnt know she had slept with him at the time. But its tainted my engagemnt... I am now disgusted and finding it hard to get over.
@ Anon
If it's tainted to the point that you can't get over it, or obsess about it constantly, then it's best to take a break from the relationship. No reason that both of you should be miserable about things that happened in the past.
However, if you find you care about being with her more than you care about her past, then it's worth pursuing.
It's all about deciding what you care about more. Her, or her past.
Decision is up to you. Hope that helps.
I think it is important to tell your sexual past and deal with the consequences, good, bad, or indifferent. The reason is when determining if a particular person is good match for lifetime partner, both should have similar morals, values and sexual attitudes. If one is conservative and the other very liberal...not a good match. Better to lay all your cards on the table, and either discover that he/she is fine with your history, or is not and you both move on. The alternative is hide, lie, or simply fail to disclose your history only to have that person find out sometime later (friends have a way of letting the cat out of the bag) and be really upset and feel you hidden something from them. Only now it is a really big deal because you're in a long term relationship.
Without full disclosure early on, a person can form an incorrect picture of who they think their partner really is. If they later discover that their partner has an entirely different past, it can cause drama...much more so than in the beginning because now the person is emotionally invested in the relationship.
Besides, if you were ok with having many partners or few partners, then you should be ok with telling your new partner. if they can't deal with it, that is their issue. Better to find out sooner rather than later.
Hiding your past for fear of being judged shows you aren't ok with your past (then why did you do it) and don't stand by your decisions.
Further, the idea that the past is the past and not anyones business is ridiculous. Every event of your past shapes who you are now. In letting someone know who you are now, you need to disclose your past. It is no different than sharing where you grew up, what your family life was like, your religious and political views.
I agree with what the writer did. His morals values didn't match hers. Fine. Both parties are free to move on to find someone who is a better match.
As for "judgement" or fear of being judged...we're all judged everyday... on our behavior, on our work, as people. It is simple human nature. We all judge others.
As for being judged for your sexual past...Think of it as knowing all the details about a person in order to determine if they would be a good life partner.
knowing or needing to know one's sexual history is no differnt than knowing the persons political and religious views, views on spending money, having and raising kids.
Kane Bauer says:
2 years ago
It is a definately tell all topic. Many say that it's pointless to hurt your lover/ friend/ spouse, but the truth is that the alternative is secrecy which is a thousand times more damaging. I've been in this situation and it's better to know and be insecure than to not know and still be insecure, because at least when you know everything there is the comfort that it is not a hidden past, or sacred memories. If she is absolutely open and honest about everything and is willing to be/do everything and more with you, then keep her. What hurts is not knowing, but knowing that she wont be for you what she was for others. Also, forgiveness is tough and forgetting is too, just try really hard to do both once the big talk is over.