Should women reveal her sexual partners
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Should women reveal to her men how many sexual partners she has had? And can men ego handle the truth?
Responsibility versus privacy
With more women marrying later, it's natural that most would have chalked up more than a few boyfriends, and some secrets. So when women finally meet the guy she wants to spend the rest of your life with, does she reveal your sexual past in its full glory, skim over it or keep mum
Despite the repercussions women may face, it's best to be honest. "It is more risky to go into a relationship with unspoken issues. Knowing your partner's past will help you gain deeper insight into their personality.
In this day and age, talking about sexual history has also become a matter of social responsibility. The number of people with Aids and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is rising. If you had STDs and are still undergoing treatment, you have a responsibility to tell your partner before getting intimate and see if he/she is willing to accept it and move forward with the relationship. But if you are completely cured, you can delay the news till later when you and your partner are closer.
Knowing your partner's past is a form of self-protection. Not all men wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole, if a woman has had more than 20 partners. Even if she was clean after taking tests for STDs, would men able to trust her because if she has slept around before, she may do it again behind my back.
Thus, it's no surprise that women are not ready to reveal their sexual history. Maybe a gentleman would he able to take it in his stride but most guys are too immature. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's famous line in A Few Good Men. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Sometimes, the price you pay for disclosure can come back to bite you. What you divulge may be used against you in the event of a break-up or divorce, so think carefully before you release it. If a man uses your sexual history against his partner, Women should look at whether it is worth going deeper into the relationship or even pursue it, as men like that will use other means to control the relationship.
There's no correct answer to this debate of morality versus responsibility. But holding back completely will cause more conflict later. Information about sexual past may put a relationship at stake when it is discovered subsequently, instead of being volunteered by anyone
Knowing your partner's thoughts about keeping virginity for marriage his health condition and whether there are certain sexes illnesses you should know about should be addressed before you sleep with anyone. Some relationships could come to a halt after these revelations or become stronger because there is a greater level of trust and acceptance of each other.
Baby, what's your number?
If you decide to come clean, how much should you divulge? Knowing that your partner isn't a virgin is one thing. It's the number of sexual partners and all the accompanying salacious details that some men might have an issue with. The information can be pretty intimidating for some guys - especially if they are a tad behind in those exploits.
Any men would start to feel self-conscious in bed if he knows that he is number 10. He may keep thinking about his performance and size compared to the rest of the guys and wondered if she was the kind of girl to be serious about... it's bad but it couldn't help.
So, despite women best intentions is to accept that it is inevitable for a guy to change his perception of you if the numbers are high or if any women have a colourful history. Men react this way because of insecurity. He is wondering if he's still number one or the best sexually. A guy should not have double standards, if he is in the double digits, he should not mind if his partner is on par. If he is not fair in his judgment, you might want to reconsider if you want to be with him as his negative behaviour might be pervasive in a relationship. For example, he may start to control the kind of friends you have, your finances and other aspects of your life as time progresses.
Before revealing the truth, it's crucial to assess how conservative your partner is. Saving how many is okay but not what you do with them. This also shows respect for your former lovers. Your partner should understand that those were incidents in the past and everyone has made mistakes. Knowing too much can lead to awkward situations. You may make assumptions about her that you shouldn't, freak out about what you learn and worry too much to enjoy your relationship. Instead of prodding and causing tension, he has this advice. When it comes to sexual past, don't dwell on it. Live in the now!
How to spill it
Sharing your sexual history should be done with tact and finesse. And the process should feel relaxed and easy. Don't talk about it in the first few dates. The right time is when the relationship is exclusive. Assess the mood of the individual and try to make it a mutual exchange.
All revelations should be done in private. E-mails, SMMSes or letters are not recommended. Rehearse in your mind how you want the message to be brought across and be prepared for the worst. Withdrawal, questioning, disappointment, doubts and feelings of being cheated are normal responses. Make it clear that by revealing such personal information, you want the relationship to work.
Forgiving and accepting the past might be easier than forgetting. The person who shared the sexual history must be prepared to elucidate and even apologise for what he/she has been involved in sexually, especially when the sexual history is disturbing, for example, involvement in homosexuality, STDs, transsexual tendency, or erratic sex habits. Cooling off for a couple of months to deliberate may be good.
Most importantly, the couple must agree to move on after that. Perhaps a contract where you write down things you agree and disagree on, and what needs to be worked on can help a relationship move on.
At the end of the day, there are men who are enlightened enough to see past their partners' past. Women are like cars. Everyone wants a brand new car not a second, third or fourth hand model. But we have to be realistic. These days, finding a virgin is like winning the lottery, so we accept our girlfriends' past as 'mistakes' and move on.
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Comments
There are no right or wrong about revealing the secret. It is own personnel and interest whether to reveal the secret. Everyone had their own secret and it may be only yourself know it.
You can reveal it when you are about 60-80 plus. :)
"Women are like cars. Everyone wants a brand new car not a second, third or fourth hand model. But we have to be realistic. These days, finding a virgin is like winning the lottery, so we accept our girlfriends' past as 'mistakes' and move on."
I don't think this is a general rule at all. Certainly not among my friends, anyway.
Don't ask, don't tell.
I think that the idea that guys are always talking about their "conquests" is largely a myth. It wasn't my experience, anyway.
The writer's obviously from another culture.
Wasn't/isn't every teen age kid in America trying to lose their virginity to be 'cool?' Anyway, I think in the USA, it's really about 'acceptable' numbers on both the male & female side of the fence.
I think I like the word EDIT very much. When a boyfriend ask me how many boyfriends I had in the past I go like, "The serious ones (intimately serious) oh I had three. The rest are just flings, they haven't even touch my finger." Just don't ask me again, I stick to three but the thing is I forget the names and mention somebody else.
In this case, I'm a big fat liar.
Cross your heart from any guy how you will find your girlfriend having too many boy friends if she tell you that you are number 10 or even 20.
In another word if a guy told his girlfriend she is number 10 how would you girl feel?
I would agree with making sure we are both STD free. Going through all the details isn't that important. If we are in love it doen't matter who either on of us has slept with. Just one man's opinion. Great article, very thought provoking.
Cultural differences are going to be strong in relation to this subject. I guess I live in a pretty openminded environment here in the US. when it comes to women having multiple sexual partners. I have never felt or been made to feel that I should have to apologize or hope for forgiveness to anyone for my previous sexual experiences.In the environment where I live, women are likely to have just as many previous partners as the men. A women's past sexual experiences are never considered mistakes that need forgiveness and acceptance. They just are what they are. She has a lucky number just like him. She dated before him and had lovers just like he did. Nobody gets too hung up on it.
But I understand that is not how it works in other areas of the world.
If a guy asks me how many have been before himI tell him don't ask again unless you really want to know. If they ask again. I'm honest.
And as far as STD's go. Whether anyone has been with 1 or 20 there is always a risk. If its of concern for someone then go with your partner and get tested together.
It's probably a good thing to know (in my opinion), but then I just don't really want to hear it. I don't want to picture it. AHhh my thoughts, burn them ! >_<!
I agree with sunstreeks to tell the guy not to ask. If he wish to know, tell him to be prepare to accept what you are now and not the pass
life is in stages and humans are in sizes unveiling the secret does no harm provided the 2nd party is mature to know that atleast such occurance makes up the life in which we both life. ciao
Great words from Tope
Numbers and who aren't important. What is important is risky behavior on the part of the woman and her partners for possibilities of things that can affect your partner--AIDS and STDs. I'm married, but if I were single and asked who or how many, I'd answer is all that is important is I'm disease free and always practice safe sex. After all, I remember having a friend who has HIV and had only one partner. Her one partner only had one other partner.
women become the object suffering
Practice Safe Sex is the best to safe guard individual
I don't know... I like a gal with experience. I never been the jealous type of guy. Besides some ladies have such humorous war stories I can't pass up hearing them. I'm no angel and I really never expected a partner to one either.
I still believe in sex being fun, laced with a lot of naughty... give me a bad girl anytime.
bad girls or bad boys.
Everyone like bad people :)
Some guys get turned on when girls talk about their previous conquests. Maybe it's a little voyeurish. But, rule of thumb is play it by ear and it's probably a good idea to play it down, as guys feel insecure if the girl is more experienced than them. A good line to use if they ask how many you've had is, "The others don't matter. I was mentally a virgin before I met you."
Good line cindyvine others who read this will benefit from your words
To be honest I don't care how many. All I want to know is was she safe. And in the end it doesn't matter to me, as me and my girlfriend are now engaged, so no matter how many, shes decided to spend the rest of her life with me. I must admit I have been curious, but I would never ask, because we have such a close relationship that if she wanted me to know, she would have probably told me by now, or maybe it's one of those subjects that won't come up natuarlly.
I agree with Wadey to respect his girlfriend's decision whether she want to told him
In my experience, when it comes to revealing sexual partners, it's better to remain quiet. Too many, unfortunately, will reveal your secret life. Some even lie in order to justify revealing intimate secrets to the world. Sexual knowledge of others may be used like a club when a fight begins, so it may be best not to arm anyone. When a partner feels insecure, those secrets just seem to pop out, placing the other in a defensive position. " Of course I had 200 lovers, I didn't even know you then."
Relationships can be tricky, powerful, and dynamic. When one person gives up everything for the cause of another, it is no longer an equal bargain. One person has no power, the power of the other becomes synergistic (whole greater than sum of its parts). It may work for those few who are willing to be stuck. It isn't always the one who has all the power feeling like they got the best deal. Remember, the ones with all the power are left with all the resonsibility for taking care of the emotional and worldly needs for two people. Holding a job takes on a whole new meaning for those required to feed, house, and clothe self and another. Of course, a whole new dynamic is created by one who is also in "a family way." or there are small children involved.
Sex has been given the power by society to exalt lives of celebrities through the media. Mostly it is the sex appeal that drives this hero worship, so that only youthful and "sexy" persons gain entrance to the exalted, wise, and beautiful"club."
Lives are often destroyed by the mis-use of laws designed to protect certain segments of society. When people give anything power out of proportion to its real intent, laws become necessary and passed to protect us from ourselves. People are controlled by it, worship it, and teach children its power and how they might benefit from its exploitation.
At the same time society is saying: that's bad, we need to ban it!" bill boards, movies, and popular song tell us we cannot live without it (at least 1.2 x a week) is the number produced by those who prefer to watch and record from the sidelines.
Hypocracy? Of course it is! When you are obliged to play by crazy rules, anything can and does happen. So if you must participate, dont get burned. Keep it to yourself. People do love to talk.
Great words solarcaptain.
Your words bring out this articles
I am the type of guy who gets turned on when the topic is how many guys my gf had before me...Sometimes I want to know the details and that excites. Is it abnormal?
Hi Natan
Curiosity Kill
Definitely do not tell!
My wife revealed certain acts she did with previous boyfriends that she would never do with me. Me, the one she says she loved and trusted more than anyone! It is extrememly hurtful and sticks with you for years.
Take my advice and leave it in memory. Bad idea for either side to disclose!
How about this? How about mutual communication? I am actually near this situation myself. I just met a guy last weekend and want to see him again...so pertaining to this subject, In some ways I could care less what his past is about. We're expected to grow up and get past our childhood issues, why should this be any different? Unless disease is involved of course, then you MUST divulge and expect it in return. But for normal people (at least in the Midwest of USA) we have more than one partner before we get married. It's up to the people in the relationship if they want to share that information. I agree that many people WANT to know the sexual history of their new mates, for several different reasons, and typically it's not a big deal to answer that request. But, the older you get the more you realize that people DO change over time. Maybe not their general tendencies but behavior does change whether you're male or female, as you age. I'm only 33 but I've grown more mature over the last 3 years than my entire life beforehand! And even though my marriage was over before it started, even he (a sociopathic narcissist) has matured in some fashions.
You must realize that men and women should be created equal (like Sunstreeks said) and both sexes are able to make the same decisions when it comes to their sex lives. Anyone you meet can have any type of background you could make up in your mind. You never know until you get to know that person so really what a person tells you in the beginning is futile until you know more about each other anyway.
A great Hub, interesting!
Peggy W says:
9 months ago
I agree with krupesh although in my case I have to admit that my husband of 38+ years won the lottery (your words). I would want to know about STDs and AIDs if I was dating in this day and age. Only fair!