Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?
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Um Probably Not...
I was recently irritated to read a hub that was called "Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back". To me, most break ups are for a reason, right? You don't just break up because it's cloudy outside one day, and sunny the next? You have a legitimate reason for the break ups.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes you can reconcile your differences and get back together, but most of the time you should move on with your life. You had some good times, and now either one or both of you has moved on.
I was watching a show at my sister's this weekend called "The Ex Factor", and it was all about creating drama in seeing if two exs should get back together. All the while, their current boyfriend or girlfriend is watching the entire thing. This is a show, seriously? While I admit that I had a hard time changing the channel, most of the time it was purely the drama of it all that I enjoyed watching. As many of us do.
If You Really Do Want to Rethink Your Break Up
Here are some things to think about when you are thinking about rekindling an old flame:
- Why did you break up in the first place? (This is the main factor, did he/she cheat on you? did you fight all the time? you didn't communicate well? All of these are good reasons NOT to get back together)
- Do you only want them because you can't have them?
- Do you think that they are the best person for you?
- What did your friends think of him/her? While your friends don't have the end all be all opinion, they know you well and have your best interests at heart, so you should probably hear their opinion too.
- Why do you really want to get back together?
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Comments
I think that's very true Patsy.
How many breakups do you think most couples do before the final split? My wife and I broke up three times (at least) before we were married:)
Paul, I really think that depends on the reasons for breaking up. Every couple has their challenges a long the way, but sometimes people try to band-aid problems that can't be solved that way, this just causes more problems.
yes i totally agree with u.
Paul,
How often do you think that really happens? My ex-boyfriend of only almost 3 months just broke up with me a few weeks ago, and I'm still not over it because I don't think he gave it an adequate chance. We had our problems, but I think it was worth talking out or taking a break. I had even been considering a break up (but was not ready for it) before he broke up with me. We went into the relationship quickly, and it was long distance. I thought it was the way we were reacting to each other (read: communicating) at the time that was the problem, and that can be worked out. However, he said we have fundamental personality differences yet he still wants to be my friend. I just spoke to him on the phone today to get some things off my chest, and while I was asking him different questions he told me that I have 90 percent of the qualities he wants in a future wife. He also told me you can love somebody but know that you should not be in a relationship with them and that he still loves me. This is hard!
I am going through a lot right now (he broke up with me a couple of weeks after I left a bad situation at work), and this was the last thing I needed, but I know it is for the best. It is hard to give up those feelings that it might work out some day, but I know I will get there eventually. I also know that is where I need to be if things ever are to work out. Besides, I definately have my own stuff that I need to work on before entering any relationship for a while.
Anyhow, my question is what are the conditions that would allow something like this to work out? (I know I need to get past it either way. I had been trying to tell myself not to feel like I want him back, but now I know it is best to accept that I feel that way for now and let those feelings work out on their own.)
Sorry for the long comment. I guess I just needed to vent.
YEA NOT A GOOD IDEA TO GO BAK OUT WITH AN EX, IVE DONE IT W 2 OF MY EXS, U WANNA SLAP URSELF FOR WASTING EVEN MOREEE TIME THAN U HAD INITIALLY DONE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT JUST WAS TOO DAMN OUTLIVED FOR THE 2 OF US, I MEAN ALL THAT TIME COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT W SOMEONE ELSE, N I LOST SOMEONE WHO COULD HAVE MADE ME HAPPY JUST TO GIVE IT ALL A SECOND CHANCE.. DONT DO IT...
my bf for four years broke up with me a month ago before we were going to move in together. We broke up 6 months ago already but we got back together after 3 weeks and then he broke up with me again. I think getting back together is always a possibility. I'm not holding on or waiting but the hope that someday the feelings we had for each other will come back keeps me going because I do want him back but I have to move on and see the rest of my life without him before I can see myself with him again.
Currently, I am going out with my ex. He's wonderful and it's been 7 years since we broke up. I'm having fun exploring the things we couldn't do before and getting to know him all over again. My initial reaction was that I would just be friends with him but we picked up where I broke it off. I had to appoligize for what I did to him and it was a great move. I'm head over heels and I"m so happy too.
I am in this situation at the moment. I'm with my current boyfriend of 8 months and to e honest things have been great..up until a month ago! I saw my ex again after a year..we caught up and it was great seeing him and talking about the past. I felt that chemistry between us again. I found out that he had been trying to find out from my sister a few weeks before about me & my boyfriend etc. Anyway since then i haven't been able to get him out of my head. We've kept in touch..i've seen him & things happened but i couldn't help it. I know that deep down he's always been the one i wanted. We broke up two years ago, having gone out for almost two years. He broke it off saying that he didn't feel comfortable in a serious relationship, i was only 19 at the time an he was 25, so i agreed and we did our own thing, but now he feels that he wants to be with me & try again. He told me that he doesn't want to ruin what i have with my current boyfriend but he hates seeing me with someone else. I reall don't know whether to get back with him...i do feel that i still have such strong feelings for him! Help!
Darcy-
I think it's natural to have feelings for someone that you had a good relationship with and broke up without hard feelings. What you need to decide is if he is really the one you want to be with. If you really do have these feelings then you need to take action on them. Also understand that if you are looking to be with someone else, you might be having problems in your current relationship which is why you would look for something else. You should also talk to your ex and see what their intentions are. Exs can be tricky and sometimes when you get back together with them you realize why you broke up in the first place. Consider your options...
my ex has changed from when we were together two years ago..he seems more settled with a good job, his own place etc and he says he wanted to do all that before rekindling anything with me. I know he hasn't had any other relationship with anyone since we split. Of course he's been with other girls but nothing serious. We have always had this connection and i can really see myself being with him in the future. I think my main issue may be how i finish with my current boyfriend..without hurting him. He is madly in love with me and i just know this will be awful for him
Darcy-
I don't think there is any easy way to get out of a relationship, but if you know it's not for you then you should consider his feelings and not prolong the inevitable. It always hurts no matter what side of it you're on, just try to be sensitive to his feelings.
hey, my gf just broke up with me this past week because she can't handle the distance and she wanted freedom.. We were crazy for each other.. did everything to gether. Now its summer time, and we don't see each very often.. I was wondering was i should do.. i like her alot she likes me alot. she asked for space and time to think. we are going back to school in september. she talks to me all the time and still wants to be friend. i want her back. last weekend she pretty much told me she loved me and now we are broke up. Any pointers?
Frenchy,
As a person that has encountered LDR (long distance relationships) I think you should give your ex space and time. Space and time are not always a bad thing. There have been moments in my life where I wasn't sure if that was the person that I was supposed to be with and giving myself some time to get MY life together really helped.
I would say just be her friend, and be there when she needs you. Things will have a way of working themselves out, either way.
So my ex and I broke up about 7 months ago and started hanging out again just recently. We were living together at the time but were sharing the house with 3 other roommates, one of them being my brother, another guy, and another girl. We never really had ANY "alone" time. He ended up losing his job and got really depressed and everything fell apart in a matter of months. I deep down had always thought he was the one but teh person he became was someone else and he just didn't want to get help. It came down to my last option was to break it off. Since then he has taken care of himself, got help for his problems, has gotten a great job and is doing really well. The few times we have hung out I have actually had a lot of fun, but am very hesitant that he could become the "depressed" guy again. We've talked about our past issues and he understands for us to ever work I need time and I want to take things very slow. He also understands that it will take time to build trust again. I don't want to go at this in a juvenial way because I know there are serious feelings involved. I was hoping someone could give me advice on how to approach this situation in a mature way to build a healthy, open, fun relationship. We had some amazing times together and I think our situation living with others, especially my brother, and just everythign that happened made things too hard to handle. I think i've grown up a lot and realize that relationships aren't always going to be fun fun fun like I had in my dreams as a little girl. Hopefully someone out there can relate and let me know your thoughts! Thanks!
My girlfriend of 3 months just broke up with me a week ago and i dont feel like im ever going to get over her. She ignored all my texts and phone calls for a week before she finally told me that she only wanted to be friends cause she didnt feel the same about me that she used to. i havent seen her in almost two months because of school being over and her dad is really protective of her and she was afraid to tell him about us, but we still talked every day. I still love her soooo much and i keep thinking we might get back together after we start being around each other every day again:) is my thinking right? That maybe just not seeing each other for so long changed her feelings about me.
oKAY SO I BROKE UP WITH MY EX ABOUT 2 YEARS AGOO AND I ENDED IT AWFUL. I ALWAYS WANTED TO CONTACTED HIM BUT BROKE MY PHONE AND HAD NO IDEA WHERE HE WAS. a FRIEND OF MINE FOUND HIS NUMBER DO I CALL HIM OR JUST LET IT GO ?
It really matters. Sometimes people make mistakes and you need to forgive them for both of you to be happy. I really like your hub though. Check out my site if you get a chance. http://getbacktogetherwithex.net
I was in a relationship with someone I loved dearly for 2 yrs. I felt no one could compare to him and we lived together as well. He was 16 yrs older than I, but we connected unlike anyone else had everything in common, loved life and its treasures. I started going to school and working nights, he and I drifted apart, there were a circumstances that occured before I went back to school, I found out he had girls that were friends when he told me that he had none in the past, and didnt think I should have guy friends (because guys only want one thing). He obviously was insecure, but it was cute. I of course was very upset and accused him of cheating on me. Set on that belief it totally deteriorated my thoughts of taking things to the next level and forward.
I eventually started talking to someone that I knew in the past, we were friends for a while going through the same situations with our current mates, before long I started catching feelings for this guy. I was scared to move away from my current boyfriend, but eventually my current boyfriend caught on to my whereabouts and broke up with me.
I feel he was wrong by pushing me away first. He felt that I didnt put any effort into the relationship. I felt he was having a secret life, he felt that I was having a secret life. Trust was lost completely. Its been two years I am with the guy I started talking to(secretely). Its a mess. I still LOVE MY EX. I want him back. I work with my ex and I still see him everyday. He even dated a girl that sat next to me at work. Flirted with her just like he flirted with me when I started working "there". She eventually left the company, they didnt work out. I was still standing, and stayed surprisingly composed throughout the whole thing. Being that I am 27 years old I should be mature by now lol.
I text messaged him one day and after many conversations about a relationship with no closure finally we had somewhat an understanding as to why things happend the way they did. We have been hanging out together now for a month 4 times so far, we have a great time and it doesnt feel like we ever broke up. I know he isnt interested in getting back together right now and wants to take things slow, He hasnt even kissed me yet although he pays for everything and makes sure that i am taken care of. Does anyone think I can salvage this relationship? I have a boyfriend though, the same guy I left him for. I want to take a break to think about things I dont know how to though. Im in a bind can someone offer me some advice? thanks
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago, and then the next day called, said he missed me, and didn't really want to break up, so I went to see him, and we were both feeling really happy, and it felt like things were going great. Then yesterday, some things at home were bothering me, and I understand after the fact that it was really an issue to talk to my family about, since it concerned them and not my boyfriend. However, I continued on and on, getting more and more depressed. He started out in the conversation trying to console me, and he said later on that he was stressed out and upset because he couldn't take so much at once. Eventually he started to get angry, saying it was rediculous, that it wasn't his fault this time, that he wanted to break up, and this time he never wanted to talk to me again. After some crying about it, I decided that I needed to move on and think about the positives of the situation, and I went to a friend's house, talked about it for a bit, and then I was starting to feel ok, like this was a big change in my life, but maybe it was necessary for me to be single for a while, and it wouldn't be so bad. Then he called me and said he was on his way to drop off my stuff, and I decided to meet him so I could give him his stuff too. I kind of feel like seeing him again was a mistake, because eventually I started to feel like he was just trying to get me back, and I was already ready to move on with my life. He really is a nice guy, and I do love him, but he confuses me so much lately and I really don't know what to do. I'm very confused, and feeling unusually depressed. A tiny voice inside is telling me to give him one more chance. Part of me wants to feel that if I give him this chance and this kind of thing happens again, I'm moving on, and that's that, and that's a good choice to make, but part of me worries that I've just set myself up for more grief, and I should just tell him that I want to move on (that's very difficult, seeing as he won't accept it easily at all, in fact he'll make it really hard for me to like him!) but I'm afraid that we'll just end it being bitter at each other. Though when I think about it, that could even more easily happen if I wait. This situation is making me really depressed.
Thats an iffy situation, you have to make sure that U are what HE wants. Talk about that. I dont know how long you both have been together, but you need to resolve the issues that you have now or later you will pay for something as simple as communication or lack thereof. If he isnt serious or wants to take it to a more serious level in the future, then get rid of him. Its not worth your time or money.
My ex on the otherhand I cant seem to figure out, we go out to dinner, we went to museums, palm readings, and yet he doesnt let me pay for anything, although he says he pays for all his friends because he is a nice guy, I dont believe that. We got into a debate last night over coffee about how things ended and how I lied, he lied we lied. However he still wants to see me again. Guys are hard to figure out. I always feel chemistry, but at the end of the night when I lean in to kiss him, he tells me he doesnt kiss his friends. I respect it but i wouldnt go to kiss him if i didnt feel some connection during the date, or right before the lean in!
Recently Me and My Ex had just broken up. I am torn apart about it We were in a relationship for 2 about 2 years long distance and we broke up for about six months. Feeling burnt out, we then got back together for about a month thinking things will be different but now She feels burnt out. How should i deal with this? I had initially thought that we were on a break to try and sort things out and see what needed to be fixed. I was a very busy person and i sorted out my priorities within that time, a week later i saw her with a different guy. We then talked it over to sort out any confusion. She says she still loves me very much and has many reasons to get back together, and that with changes on both sides she knows it will be great, but she says right now, she feels burnt out and doesn't feel the same love as she did before. I felt as though she doesn't feel it, because i was simply replaced by someone else..... I do love her dearly..... but is this something i should give up on? i am trying to just leave it alone and give her space and time......
You sound like a nice guy so - don't let this break you.... You know what - as hard as it maybe just concentrate on other things as much as you can. Improve yourself and she should do the same. I can tell you I broke off a 3 year back and forth relationship over a month ago. I had made the decision to change how I took care of myself and my life. So I did - here my story is a long one - but all I can tell you is I changed, he did not.... I left a door open and he blew it right out of the gates. He was thinking it would go right back. So he slipped up on the main thing that wrecked us to begin with - so I told him to leave me alone.... It has been over two weeks now. I am not going to tell you that I wasn't one of these girls that believed we would make it I was - and now I don't know how to feel. Things I have learned - First of all that no two situations are the same... I will tell you this though making the decision to change was because I realized if you keep doing what you have been doing you are bound to get the same results.... In my situation I knew all I could do was change myself and my outlooks... and I am not going to lie I truly thought he would follow my lead with it.... and sadly he didn't (it was same ole same ole) for him. So I left.. same ole same ole - is what made me leave and what got me here in the first place.... so my changing made me strong enough - not to except anything less then effort, trying, interest, sincerity. I am a very easy going woman and am almost 30 years old... I took care of him all the way around.... he wanted for nothing... This was so hard to do.... but I had become a person I didn't want to be... It was easier to him go after I had changed cause I felt I had done my part and he still didn't care enough to make it a priority to make real effoerts to make it work and I can't do that for him. Me and him broke up several times... but we never ever fixed the problems and we never changed - we just loved each other and wanted each other and missed each other so bad .... and we would get back together... but we needed to take time to fix the things in each other that made those breakups happen time and time again.... My advice is what I am doing... Don't give her time - you take time for you - do things that you missed doing - treat yourself to things... This doesn't mean you have to hate her - but I would make her make the contact with you for now... trust me you will be happier - and you won't except less from her... Call a family member or friend if you feel like talking to her.... I have unbearable days and then strong days... I know you will miss her and trust me so will she but missing someone yes brings them back - but the problems are still there and will remain there until you both agree to fix them - so you can move on... together.. You change - she'll change - and then change together by fixing the problems... Trust me they do not go away!!! They fester and they wait for you and you will break up again and again and again... until one of you leaves for good... Go to couples counseling or take time to show it to each other that you truly respect how one another feels and tell each other what they need to accept, compromise, and sacrafice - what ever you have to do - do it... If she is not up to that - that is because you have changed & have made the decision that she is what you want.... and she is not there yet.... at the time you find this out... let her go, unltil the time comes that she is ready... and you will know the difference, and if you are still around... and are still up for it then good luck... Fix your problems.... I lost the man I love - I lost myself - I lost his son that looked at me like I was his mother that I helped raise. I now have myelf - and if the man I love comes back to me and really has made up his mind and has changed - he will want to fix what was broken also and not"turn a blind eye" like we both did so many times before.... if not then I can't do it... It will be the same.... and I hated who I was... Who knows where I will be when he comes too... for real not just cause he misses me.... This was the man I wanted to Marry.... So yes I know it's tough... but you will like yourself alot more, if you take care of you and let her figure it out on her own... the more you worry about her - the less she will worry about you.... Don't think deep thoughts if you can help it... and wow look how much I wrote.... but good luck to everyone.... It is not easy... at all!
Barbiee - Again, no one likes to bring up old memories but they did not go away they broke you two up and have been waiting there laying stagnent for you to pick things back up. So no matter what both you of you are sure to have your doubts about each other and I am sure that is why he is having reservations about kissing you or getting too close. Maybe it has been enough time where you both understand that you did things wrong but you should both reassure each that those things will no longer be issues if you and him get back together. As for the kissing.... well that's tough... Make him want to you, yes men are confusing but he should be more mature as my ex a few years ago was he was 17 years older then me... So it should be easy - make him want to kiss you and wonder about you by letting him make those moves.... have fun with each other... but again as I said in the comment before this one.... you need to fix what was broken if you too ever decide mutually to give it another go around... Good Luck!!
KA-Thank you very much for your reply it has helped me greatly!!! I am trying my best to stay distracted, but we live somewhat close... unfortunately, so i will bump into her with the other guy!!! Gosh it hurts so much....... but even still i have no choice but to stay strong.... She really wants to stay friends, but it's so hard for me to do that because i have such strong feelings for her.... i guess i don't want to be "just" friends.. I try not to text her all the time in fear that i am just bothering her, and will ruin any chance of us getting back together, but then again i don't want her to think.. "He doesn't contact me anymore, so i will not care about him" what should i do in this situation? .... I do want her to figure it out herself and am in no way trying to force the relationship back together (that's the last thing i wanna do) but should i continue to stay friends??
Well okay - this is tough cause she is seeing another guy & you are watching it happen. That is not right at all. You need to avoid her in order to get her respect. You are in no way going to be strong enough to stay her friend and honestly as much as you will miss her - I promise you and almost guarentee you that the immediate gratification of being her friend will not work.... If you really want a chance you need to remove yourself and keep busy. Do not contact her - she will contact you, once she notices you are not calling or texting her anymore.... and she will respect that you are not going to watch her be with another guy - while you just sit there in pain. That is not fair - respect yourself and do not let yourself be that guy. I know you said you live close... Me and my ex live 7 minutes away from each other.... I just avoid that side of town completely and keep my head forward... If his car is somewhere I avoid going in there.... If I saw him out with another woman I would die inside and I am not going to do that to myself... So I go to other towns when I go out on the weekends - so there is not a chance of that happenning - although I do not believe he is seeing anyone, he doesn't know what he wants - which leaves him open to anything and I have to protect myself... and so do you.... do not be her friend - she is not being a friend to you by rubbing this in your face, knowing you still want her... as sweet and nice as she may talk or be - it is not okay for someone who cares about you to sit back and watch you go through that.... She is thinking of herself and you need to think of yourself, cause you are the only person you can control... Not contacting her is going to go a bit more like this "Hmmm He's not contacting me anymore, I wonder why, has he moved on, is he with someone.... hmmm maybe I should have been better too him" .... and then she is going to call.... if anything to make sure that you are still on the line - after that happens that is when it gets tough... cause if you jump on the fact that she called - like oh yes here I am, I am still here... she is not going to respect it... but if you were like I have just been busy with this and that - don't go into details... do not make it about her... make it about you - it will make her wonder and respect you.... Trust me stop contacting her.... she will come to you... and in the mean time I promise you will go through pain and it will be a huge struggle with yourself to not call or text her... but do not do it... write me on this instead and I will write you back.... tell me what you want to text her... get it out but not to her... If you want a chance at all then you both need for you to cut it completely - and get busy... Heartache sucks and I will tell you I am good at a lot of things - but when it comes to the emotional and mental anguish that break ups put you through (between the hopes and the harsh realities) it's enough to break a person... but there is light at the end of the tunnel either with her, or with someone else, or alone... I know you can't see that light... but it is there.... but sometimes it gets darker before it gets brighter... Again sorry for the book... Jeez, I am like a writing maniac...good luck!!
HBROKEN - Can you give me some details about what went wrong with you two next time you write... Thx
KA- i really do appreciate you responding :) this post may be a bit long...... Well going into a little more detail on my past with her, It began as a long distance relationship. Everything was great until when things got rough. i.e. school/work/social life with her friends... and she really needed me there, I felt bad because i was only there through the telephone, and as much as i wanted to, i wasn't able to just drive over there and be with her easily. the more and more she needed, me, the more and more i tried to be there for her, and eventually it burnt me out. that was when we first decided to take a break this was about 2 years into our relationship, After that i then met a girl which i began talking to, It was nothing serious, but i guess it was someone i can confide in and she was going through a similar situation as me, so we were able to relate. a couple months past, and i find out that my ex moved into town. and we were just keeping in touch. As i'm talking with my new friend, she helps me realize how deep my feelings are for my ex. and she tells me that if your feelings are deep enough it would be worth trying again. And i am feeling that i don't want things to be just like how they were, so i thought to myself, what makes it different this time. Well her moving closer would be the difference. so we slowly talk more and more, and finally she confronts me about getting back together. I initially talked to her and told her that if this was to happen, it will take some time for me to kindle those feelings and i didn't want to move fast. I was taking summer classes at the time, and was a bit involved with extra activities, (I guess that was my way of keeping my mind clear) but to settle back down and kind of back out of all those things and give her much of my attention will take some time. A month went by, and things started to fade. The feeling started to feel somewhat the same as before.... (Her wanting me when i'm not physically able to be there and I feeling that she was turning into a 28 hour job in a 24 hour day.) I admit i did make mistakes, i wasn't necessarily the best boyfriend and i could have spent more time with her than i did, But my feelings for her were true and i really do Love her. I felt like "we" were worth working things out through all the tough times rather than simply running away. well she then decided to take a break. My understanding was to try and fix ourselves and repair our relationship. but apparently i was mistaken, a week later was when i saw her with this other guy. She tells me that she is simply talking to him.. but to me, and what i see (unfortunately what i see) It seems to be much more. here is what she said after i asked, when she felt we went wrong " Honestly... at the end of our first split, i was weary, but i wanted us to work out so bad.... so i held on. Then we got back together, and i felt like it was back to square one. but i figured it was because you had summer school. So i understood, you had a lot of things on your plate. So i told myself, ok after summer school it'll get better. It was just the same... so i couldn't do it anymore,as much as i wanted to hang on, it just wasn't working. So we split up again. And after wee were on the "break" i felt i wasn't as sad as i used to be. I think that's when i realized it's different this time........... I wreally wish you would have realized sooner. God knows i wish with all my heart. We would still be together. But i just can't this time.................I have alot of feelings for you. I'll always have that spot for you. But now is not a good time in my life. I want to see what else is out there now... I have a better grip on what i want now, still not clear, but i'm slowly growing. I guess i grew up a little while we were rocky. I know what would make me happier and that's what the goalin life is.... To be happy. And i wasn't happy in our relationship, I wanted too much from you,, and i'm sorry for that. But maybe jsut maybe we'd still end up together later on in life, grown and ready to commit to eah other.. "..... She still texts me at night, for instance good night... sweet dreams.... things like that.... and i end up replying.... good night to you too, sweet dreams, sleep tight..... etc. she still texts me and the most recent was last night... and i actually saw them together last night..... : ( ...... sorry if this post seems a little scattered, i'm trying to give the details, but at the same time not write a book.....
and responding, to your previous response, I didn't text her all day yesterday and i did notice she started texting me... and rather short concise conversations, she carried them along asking more questions.... etc..
Okay - that helped a lot... Did she ever tell you what she wants now that would make her happy now? I mean - did she tell you any specifics.... other then she knows now? Because if she did - then I kind of need to know that.... Okay, and on the other hand I do see she made it clear to you, where you went wrong for her... You need to spend time with that and on that.... the way I figure it... yes knowing is half the battle but knowing and adapting your life to it is a whole other story. Meaning... If you needed to take more time for her... then, I agree that is a big issue... A good woman, usually wants to spend time with her man... it's the ones that don't that you have to worry about... I mean you needed to make her a priority and that is important for a girl to feel that they are needed and wanted and a priority.... not an extra burden or an obligation.... So, don't try to get her back at all - until you figure out that she can be one of the - if not the most important thing in your life. Taking someone for granted is so easy to do... but if you make their happiness - your happiness and vice versa then it never fails... Cause if she is neglected she is not happy and neither are you... So do not try to get her back until you are ready and sure and without doubts... I know you know the right words to say to get there and you might even feel that way now too.. but are you truly ready to live that way... I am betting you are not there yet or she would most likely pick up on it.... It is different when a person tries to get you back because they miss you verses when a person realizes that they are now the best person for the person they love and they are ready to give it to them... Saying good nights are cute and fine and yes because she is with this other guy (who most likely means nothing) you should keep her initiating things... but really make sure you are ready to be the man she needed and wants.... Cause getting her back will be the easy part - but keeping her will be the hard part... So you have to make sure that you are sure and it is real and not just - well I want you back and that is as far as I have gotten, so I am going to do these things that you need and say I am going to try - change before you try - be ready before you try - ya know..... Desperate attempts, go no whereAlso, as far as committment without that and I don't mean a diamond ring right away. I mean truly commit to her if she is what you want.... If you or her are going to do things half way - with one foot out the door for safety, then I would not even try to reconcile... in the it will end up bad and you would have wasted both of yours time... If you miss her that's great - but not enough... If you want her and only her and can't see your life without her... then make your life one that she can see with you... Ok well by the time we are done we can print these out and publish are book..lol
Here do you want to try to shine a little insight onto my situation. I gave him a last almost full proof opportunity and he blew it.... So I was upset and disrespected for the last time and told him to leave me alone... It has been 2 and a half weeks today since I left that message... So I get a text on 3 days ago saying "I'm sorry but I miss you, I just had to say it goodnight"... Then his mom (I work next door to her) tells me that the same day this past Sunday... he says to her - Mom I really miss her a lot.... and she says well, What Do You Want??? and he responds.... I Don't Know..... Then today I get flowers sent to me.... I mean - here case and point.... Why tell me you miss me and send me flowers... when you don't even know what you want.... ya know... its like he is just trying to keep me hanging on .... he is going half way - he is not touching anything that matters.... there has been no "I want you back" or "I was wrong and I am sorry and I am going to do this or that" or "I love you and am going to fix this" - Nothing..... So why the meaningless stuff - if you are not ready ya know.... why put any effort in at all??????
No, she did not go into specifics, I guess that's for me to find out on my own.... I have been thinking about what she says, very much so, obviously... And i have been asking myself those questions also... Do i want her back simply because i lost her? Is she truly the person i love or is it simply just an attraction... I've ran all these things through my mind... i even tried telling myself... that maybe we were not meant to be...... one day her brother, (which is a close friend of mine) asked me, what was my drive for doing everything that i do.. ( and with that he was referring to, i guess me willing to step aside to make others happy, always being the go to guy, that everyone could depend on when they needed help, or simply being the one that's "taking it for the team"...) and i told him i wasn't sure... i thought long and hard, why do i do all these things if it doesn't make me happy, and the only thing i could think is that, those thigns didn't matter to me because being with my ex was what was making me happy i guess i didn't realize it until it was too late... I do admit i did take her for granted, not knowingly, but i guess after a kick in the pants, you take a step back and realize... "what the heck was i thinking...." I do recognize my mistakes and have to own them because they were mine to make, and knowing that, i am willing to change. not necessarily simply change to someone i'm not, but i guess grow. i Do want a good foundation to restart our relationship with, that is why i am not simply "trying to get her back" . I truely Love her and feel that it is worth taking the time and necessary steps, on our own and hopefully together, to work things out. I do want her to be happy..... i guess it's scary thinking even though it's not with me... One step at a time is what i've been telling myself lately. But i Will take this time to work on myself, and make sure i'm ready to commit, even more so than i am already willing to commit now, and hopefully be the man that one day she can proudly say.... He's Mine........ Now i just hope i'm taking the right steps....... you're right we probably can print these out and publish a book haha .... You have really helped alot and for that i thank you very very much
Hbroken - will you look at what I wrote to you after I responded to you - what do you think?
If you don't mind me asking what was your fool proof opportunity? I know you mentioned earlier thatyou took care of many things for him... was he unappreciative? with him sending you flowers even though he doesn't know what he wants, it seems to me like he's scared there will never be another chance for you two to get back with each other. He may be afraid that when he finally finds out what he wants, assuming that it is you, he doesn't want to have made the biggest mistake of his life, which is Not realizing it sooner that you were what he wants, and you already moving on without him... I don't agree with it but that's what it appears like from what i can see
So, a brief synopsis of my recently ended relationship:I met this guy through a friend in about mid-July. We started talking online a lot, and we finally met after talking online for about 2 weeks. It wasn't a creepy situation of online chatting, because he's good friends with one of my best friends, and he seemed like a great guy. So, we finally met and he asked me out soon after. We went on a date, and hung out a lot for about a week. Exactly a week later, he asked for it to be official. We dated for almost a month and a half, when he suddenly broke up with me about 4 days ago. We had had a serious conversation about 4 days before the break-up about our insecurities and such. And he asked if I would want to go back to being friends so we could take time to know each other, since we rushed into things. I didn't feel I could do that because I felt dating is getting to know each other. So, he agreed and wanted to work on it. Well, after telling me he felt good about that conversation and that everything was fine, he called me up and said that he really wasn't okay with everything and that he had had doubts from the beginning. He just didn't feel them as strongly until we had that conversation. But throughout our whole relationship, he was always telling me he wanted to be with me and continued to pursue me. He even pushed to meet my family, and I took him home for a weekend. When I would tell him my insecurities, he would reassure me that he wanted to be with me. He would never tell me of doubts even though we were always really open and honest with each other. So, the whole time I thought things were great and he didn't. I could definitely tell he was distant after awhile, and it was because of those doubts he had. The thing is, I asked him if he was wanting to be friends and see where it goes later on down the road, and he said he was open to that. I'm not sure if he really wants that though. He seems so focused on the fact that we did rush into it, and he really wants to be my friend. So, my thought is, what if we become friends and he wants to try again? I mean, the thing with him is, he has commitment issues, so what if it's just that he doesn't feel ready right now? I just don't want to compromise anything about myself. Because I am ready for a committed relationship. And I don't want to wait. But I do feel that he is really special. So, I'm really hurt by this whole process, but I'm trying to take time away and get over him. I do eventually want to be friends with him, but I want to make sure I'm ready so I don't have any false hope. I honestly know I deserve better than him, because he didn't show he cared enough. And I know that's because his heart wasn't in it. But what if he ends up being ready later and wanted to try again and did give me everything I deserve? Should I wait for him? Should I even hope for that?You should probably know that this is my first boyfriend and first breakup. And I'm 21...yes, I've been single all my life. It just never happened for me until now. I'm just trying to make sense of it all because it was so sudden and out of the blue. He says he's still attracted to me and it was never a case of that. He just had those doubts and didn't feel his heart was in it. I never had doubts though. I never felt uneasy about our relationship like he did.So what do you think? Do you think I should even have hope for that? Or should I just move on and eventually be friends, but not try for that again? What would you do?
HBROKEN - Well a lot happened yesterday - we had a mutual friend die and that I was closer to then him - anyway I could not take it anymore it either had to be done and closed for good so I can find someone who I deserve or does he know what he wants..... So I went there we had a long conversation and realized that for the first time in our lives together we wanted the same things... We want to go slow - figure out how to work with each other and not against each other... and just go slow... Neither of us want to get back into our relationship until we both feel cinfident that it will work... I told him that I don't want to see his son until we know that too... So because he has full custody we will not spend time together often... but at least it would be quality time and it would give us time to also still grow as individuals and appreciate what we have. So we will see... I am just going to do my own thing - let him call me and invite me over and out and am going to keep improving myself and my life... and hopefully he has something to offer me this time.. I told though that I will never again be that girl who cries alone in bed next to you while you tell me to go home or just fall asleep.... I said never again will I bend over backwards again like I did for 3 years... It was over all good... as long as we both know we love each other and we both want it to work out if it can... I think it will hopefully in time be okay... So like I said no guarentees... but anyway - how was your yesterday...anything??
Doe - more then likely he is going to come back when he feels like not necessarily when he is ready. As great as he may be, you can't force it and do not put yourself throught the pain of waiting. It has not been very long and I know this is your first, but let it go for now... Don't put yourself through that... so soon... I mean have fun with your life and see what happens that is the best any of us can do when it is not in our control.... Maybe Hrtbroken has some good advice.... He seems pretty smart about stuff...
KA- I'm sorry to hear about your friend's passing, i offer my condolences....
I am glad to hear that you were able to talk with your ex and come to an understanding. Surely that's a big step in the right direction. like i tell myself one step at a time right? As for me yesterday was ok, i resisted contacting her at all, as hard as it was, and let her do the initiating... She did text me later on that day, on how well she had done on one of her exams, and continued to ask me how i was doing and how i was feeling things of that sort just friendly convo really, it felt generic almost.... i wasn't sure how to answer other than i'm doing ok and i'm feeling okay....I'm not quite sure how i should respond.... I guess i'm the kind of guy that wants to say, "I'm doing quite alright how about you dear?" because i love her dearly but i kind of stopped saying things like that in fear it will simply repel her... A part of me wants to pour out how much i love her and am willing to take steps and commit together, but i'm just trying hard not to think about it and try and do my own thing also...... so i'm trying really hard to stay busy, which is ironic because before when we were together, that's all it seemed like i was.... busy...
Doe434- I would not want to try a relationship when it is one sided. You mentioned that you know his heart was not in the relationship, As much as you want for him to put his heart there you can't force it, and shouldn't force it. You will find that when you are with someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him, the relationship will seem a lot less like work... It's really hard but when things are out of your hands , like Ka said, the best you can do is concentrate on yourself. Find out what you want in a relationship, in a partner, in a best friend... and you should have fun, and be happy. You still have alot of growing to do... We all do. Ask yourself some questions... and give yourself some time to think about what you truely want, what you deserve, what makes you happy, is this someone you love... can you see a future in the relationship? and remember these things have to go both ways. You can't rush his feelings, it sounds like he has many things to figure out on his own also. I hoped i helped, keep posting more details and questions i'll try my best to help just as much as it has helped me
Hrtbroken - How are you doing? How have things been for you, anything new?
KA- I am doing ok, just trying to continue to take care of myself. I had met with her just the other day, She had asked me to hangout so we had gone to the park and just enjoy some fresh air. She expressed to me that she feels stuck. She doesn't know what to do with her feelings for me...... She said that a big part of her wants to move on. She said that she didn't want to get back together at this point in time because she did not want to be back at square one, but a part of her doesn't want to let me go. She said that although she is with the other guy, all she can do is think about me..... She is very confused. She is going through a tough time right now, financially, and with the family and i'm trying to be there for her. I told her that i agree with her, that if we were to get back together, I also do not want to be back at square one. I would like to progress, and am willing to take it slow and do whatever is necessary to make sure that we do not end up in the same situation again. She says that she still feels unsure. I asked her what she wanted to do... that if she truly wants to get over me, then i would make it easier for her, but she said she didn't know..... She still wants to talk to me, but she doesn't want to be with me, and when she doesn't hear from me i'm the only thing on her mind..... I told her that i truly love her and that since she didn't love me anymore, that i think i will try and move on if that's the case... She then said that She Does love me..... that she was just saying she didn't because she thought it would be easier for her to get over me..... I am so confused... I don't know how to react, other than to just leave it alone and continue to let her do the initiating and let her figure things out....... Obviously she has to figure it out for herself, but i don't know what to do in the mean time..... She said she doesn't want to get rid of her feelings for me.... I asked her why she was trying so hard to get over me, and she said she doesn't know..... It's almost like, she is asking me how she can get over me........
What do you think KA???
And how about you? how are you doing??
Hi, I've been reading this conversation between KA and HrtBroken really interestingly. Hope you don't misunderstand, I don't mean it looks like a happy situation or anything, it's just that I'm also kind of in the middle of trying to recover and thought that my story was the most complicated one in the world, and I had actually confirmed that for a while because I read a lot of stories on the web that didn't sound too bad until I saw you two guys.Honestly, I don't where I am myself right now either. It's a different story, but I guess I used to be kind of like Hrtbroken's gf. From that perspective, all I've got to say is that you can't wait for her to decide, or just let her decide. You've got to gather yourself and let it go. I mean, if she really wants to come back, she already would have, seems like she's just confused. And you staying there like that is not going to help her decide, it's just going to make her more confused - otherwise, why is she staying with the other guy right now? Even if she does come back, I warn against getting back together too soon (my mistake) - everything will blow up because this time she won't be able to get over her current bf!Like you said, you've gotta take your time and take care of yourself. I know this is hard, and believe me, I can only say this to others not because I've done it but because I CAN'T do it right now but I really know that I have to. Take care of yourself, say you want to be alone and cut off contact. If she calls you crying or anything you don't have to be mean, but tell her you really want to take some time alone and that she should too. Gather your life and wait until you feel fine even without her. That's the only way you guys will ever be able to get on with your lives, with or without each other.Honestly, this is what's going on with me right now...we've said that to each other million times, but it was always one of us failed and made the other one fail too. This time it's her who wants to get back her life and thinks that I should too, and she's being pretty harsh about it so I don't even know if we have a chance any more. It's also been going on so long that I don't even know if I want her any more either. We've came a long way to be like this - it's horrible and messy and man, the days are just dark. You just gotta cut it, and really stick to it...I read somewhere that hitting rock bottom is always better than being in a limbo.
HI HRTBROKEN - Sorry its been a while, I am actually curious to see what has happened in the last two weeks with you. Update me a little if you can. I am at work right now and can't write much but will tell you about me and him too in the next few days or so. Hope you are doing well and hanging in there! KA
Hey Stuck - You don't sound so stuck :-) You pretty much seem to have all the right ideas on what to do which is half the battle, but just like me it's so much easier to say then to do. I saw this bumper sticker that was perfect when it comes to this kind of thing - it said "here take my advice - I'm not using it" .... So true though... I agree with you limbo does suck! The only reason why I would think rock bottom is better then limbo is because at least you know you are going in some direction as opposed to not knowing where you are or going at all... Ok - Well good luck to you!!! KA
KA- I havn't had too much progress over the past couple weeks, in either direction that is..... A couple weeks ago, she had invited me out to lunch again and we had gone and gotten a bite to eat. Later that day she asked me to keep her company while grocery shopping.. We actually had a really good time, but at the end of the day as we went our ways she ended up kissing me... i asked her what this means.. and she says "i'm sorry, i feel like i keep screwing you over"..... all the meanwhile she is still talking to this other guy..... so as you can imagine... i was confused as ever...so i told her, i think it be best if we didn't talk at all until she figures out what she wants... a couple days later, she texts me... calling me things like "dear", i just don't know what to take of it... a part of me is happy that she's thinking of me... but then another side is like... maybe she's just using me... a few days ago, as i had gone to my sisters house for dinner (kind of like my second home) and just my luck as i walk into the house she was there with her "friend" right in front of me having dinner also.... yet again... my heart drops, it's almost like a stab to the heart...I don't know if she knew i was going to be there, or if no one was expecting me to come home..... i didn't know what to do in that situation, so i stayed in my room ... and right now... i'm just continuing to leave it alone.. i don't know how to address it anymore, i havn't heard or talked to her since that day.. i really do want to just ask her how she's doing but i just refrained from it.....It's hard because we are kind of in the same circle of friends so simply avoiding her is very tough...
Everytime i get a little bit of momentum and start to do/feel better, i get pushed back to the beginning and end up starting all over....
sigh... how are you doing KA? i'm also curious to see how you have been in the past couple weeks
Stuck-
I know what you mean by it's easier to give advice than to do it. believe me... i'm trying so hard to DO something... but i can't help how i feel... My mind tells me one thing and my heart says another... and what do you know my heart always wins..so there are many paths i can take... i just don't know which one... I guess hitting rock bottom is better than being in limbo, but at this point i'm hitting rock bottom and bouncing back into limbo, hitting it again and coming back up....As far as letting it go... i have been trying very hard to force a smile on my face and just leave it alone and carry about my business, but it seems as though my luck just isn't very good, i will always run into her unintentionally, see them with each other... yadi yadi yadi... and it kills me everytime... i just wish no one else ever has to experience what i'm experiencing because it sucks!!
~Best wishes to you
HrtBroken - I am sorry to hear that, I really am.... You are right though she should not subject you to seeing that... I mean small town or not I am certain if in the mean time you started seeing a girl just for even detraction purposes - I am pretty that you would find a way not to run into her with the other girl.... I mean even if she is not thinking that this may hurt you - you would think they would both feel really uncomfortable especially the fact that she was just kissing you not that long ago.... I mean I don't know - but I do know that I would feel super awkward in that poistion if I were her and would want to avoid it happening when ever possible.... So I think you are at least doing the right thing for yourself by not subjecting yourself to that.... I mean that's really unfair to you....
As for me.... Well who knows... I mean I am still taking things day by day with him... I mean he is truly a commitment phobe.... and I mean even commiting to the time of a date... he is just terrible at that. Alot of stuff has happened though.... but really we are just going slow still and seeing where things end up. Honestly, sometimes I feel like it is never going to be the same and then sometimes that makes me happy cause the last thing I want is for things to be the same. I am not gonna lie and say ooohhh happy ending... cause it's anything but - at the same time.... I have learned a lot and I am going to give it time and see if he comes around. I am going to try to start trying to avoid the "talks" all the time cause that is where we seem to both have issues.... and he starts pulling away and I start pushing... It's hard I mean we are both worried and scared and also I am a lot more capable at letting go of the past then he is... which is weird and unfortunate to say the least since - yes I may have smothered him and maybe did not always react the best way to the things he did... cause yes I smothered him but only because I did not trust him.... so - but I am not anymore and sometimes he still jumps to conclusions like that is what I want to do - is make him ready and push him into this full blown thing. He said the other day I don't want to feel like I am on a leash... I was like well you're not... you can do whatever you want... I am just saying if you want to be single be single.... but if I am respecting your needs even though I may not understand them... then I do expect for you to respect my needs also (even though you might not understand them).... I said you don't HAVE to call everyday - or see me often..... and I don't HAVE to be with you.... So that is basically where it is at... My brother is getting divorced and is keeping his big house that is about an hour away and he wants me to move in and be his roommate... I told him that if things don't work out that then I am going to move in with my brother - cause staying here is just too hard and if we don't work out even through the (trying to work it out) process that I would like to just move on at that point... So I would say I am doing my part and we will see if he decides to do his... Wow I am long winded when I write to you aren't I....Well I am going to go and ice my fingers from all the typing LOL... Write when you can... hang in there......
KA- it's good to hear from you
a little bit about what's been going on with me, I am still trying to leave it alone and keep it off my mind. Recently a friend had advised me to confront her about the whole "bringing her "friend" around where i pretty much live " business..... i'm not sure if i should.... i mean i do want to let her know how i feel, that i still love her, and do you know that it hurts everytime i see you with someone else... but i don't know if i should. what do you think? I've been going to extreme measures trying to avoid seeing them together... but while i'm out with friends i overhear about them... recently i went out of town on a camping trip, just me and a friend of mine, i was hoping to just get away from everything for a bit and give my mind some relaxation.... but even still, she was on my mind, even though i was so far away... i'm trying... i'm trying so hard... but it's still hurting... she recently texted me out of the blue just asking how i was and whatnot...i guess to "check up on me" i still don't know how to respond..... because i know she is still with this other guy... i don't know if i should say that everything is ok with me because it really isn't, or if i should just be up front and say i'm hurting i don't know..... sorry if alot of this is redundant and seems to go nowhere, i guess it's just characteristic about how things are going with me... nowhere..... i feel like i should be over it.. but it's simply not the case... it's taking it's toll on me..... i'm definately hanging in there though...
I hope things are getting better for you since you last wrote, hopefully he's coming around. Fill us in from time to time when you can of course.. best wishes
hrtBroken - I don't think there is anything wrong with you being up front with her, I mean if she doesn't know better to know that seeing her with him hurts you then you should probably tell her, who knows she may be doing it because she thinks you may not care ...you could send her a text like this or however you think but you should let her know and then leave it on her -(well I love you and miss you and your with someone else that I get the joy of seeing you with from time to time so in saying that - how do you think I am?)
I don't know - just an idea...
As for me and him.... he's like a cave man I swear... I am still very unsure about when and where this thing is actually going with him. Most the time he seems less then interested in us, or me... so I don't know just trying not to push and get huffy about him being him.... and that is it for now. Doing my own thing and improving who I am is all I can do... If nothing at all I sure am learning a lot.
Okay well have to get back to work - let me know what you think about texting her that or telling her something like that... You really have nothing to lose and at least you give her that to do what she will and hopefully she cares that you care!
KA- Sorry for the long reply,thanks for the advice i did confront her about it and not much has happened since then... How are things going with you?? i'll fill you/everyone in on the details in my next post
Happy late thanksgiving
If you want to get back together with your ex boyfriend, its important to ask yourself if you're feeling lonely and anxious, or is it true love?
Hrtbrkn - I am sorry this never is easy. Unfortunately that saying everyone likes to repeat over and over again to annoy you and make themselves sound insightful is true. "If you let it go and it comes back it was meant to be" If it's going to come together it will. if it's meant to work it will. Together, in time. Sure you can try to make all the right moves and think you've finally got it but in the end being yourself and knowing you have gone as far as you can on your own and then letting go at that point is the best you can do. Trying to not answer not call or always answer or always call... None of it matters it's all a scheme of munipulation that we try to put together to make that person see us again... Well sometimes that works but it doesn't last because the scheme was made up and not real... so it's not stable... It will fall apart again. Just do your best and leave knowing you did. Thinking about what's going to happen and trying to figure it all out leads to obsessing and obsessing leads to you losing track of our real goal in life - which is to be happy. As for me hrtbrkn I did all I could and he remained the same. I am okay with it.... I mean it hurts like hell... but I feel like I have no doubts that I exhausted every effort of mine before I let go. Who knows what the future holds... All I know is that I moved an hour away a week ago and it is time for a fresh start for me... This is my chance to get my life back on track and focus in me and stop worrying about something I no longer have any control over. This is my new goal - and it's hard and I have days I want to sleep all day and feel like it's never going to go away. I am not mad at him - I just hated the person I became and let myself turn into and fixing that has become more inmportant to me then fixing something I could never fix or make work on my own OUR RELATIONSHIP. So I took control and wish me luck! Holidays are hard just do the best with what you have and know that one day this is going to be better - with or without that person or any person. So that is where I am at right now.... Where are you at right now Hrtbrkn??
Reading these comments has been a great help to me in my current situation. I ended my 2 year relationship 4 months ago, as I didn't know if I loved my girlfriend and didn't see a future in our relationship, but after a time apart I have realised that I DO love her, have made a huge mistake and want to spend the rest of my life with her. In the initial couple of months after the breakup we stayed friends and hung out, basically did pretty much what we used to when we were together but without the intimacy. Then we saw less and less of each other as she started to move on and develop new friends and interests, which is when I started to miss her and realise what I had thrown away.
I have told her how I feel and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her but she isn't interested anymore and just wants to be friends. I did hurt her a lot by breaking up with her so I can understand why she is scared of being hurt again, but knowing that she has now moved and is happy with her new life is very hard to take, almost like I never mattered. I know I forced her to move on by ending the relationship in the first place so I don't blame her for the way she feels but I wish she could just give us another chance as I know deep down she still loves me and that if we got back together it would be forever. I have grown a lot and realised what mistakes I made to end it in the first place (fear of committing, mainly).
As it stands, over the past three weeks I have been a bit of an emotional wreck and gone through the indignity of begging her to get back together - calling her up crying, texting all the time etc. Last time we spoke she said she cared for me and was worried about me but that she was the one person who couldn't help me through this dark time, and she's right. At the moment I don't know what we are - she answers texts etc. but I wouldn't consider us 'friends' currently as we haven't seen each other for a week and I feel like I need to get over her first before we can be so. Thus, I have decided not to contact or see her for a few weeks (hopefully more) to try and get over her and hope that she will miss me enough to get in touch with me. However I'm scared that the lack of contact will be a relief for her and allow her to truely forget me and move onto someone new. I know she isn't dating at the moment as she isn't ready for a relationship, but I know she will meet someone quite soon. I only hope that one day in the future we can be together again. Am I making the right choice by not contacting her, or will it just help her to forget me more quickly?
My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me yesterday. All weekend we planned our March holiday together and bought the things we needed. SUnday morning we discussed the hotels, and Sunday afternoon he broke up with me.He claims that I wasn't giving him space. It's besides the point that I was, he apparently didn't think I was or didn't want to see it. What I would like to know is if someone could explain to me how you can have a lovely relationship (his own words) and all of a sudden change your mind. For Gods sake, we were planning our holiday?!What is all that about.Of course I am depressed, can't eat, confused and of course I want to get past this but it's hard, just like it is for everyone else in my situation.
thank you
Well it didn't work out for me.... but that's not everybody....
Heartbroken UK - It's hard for a woman to change the way she feels once she has "flipped the switch" so to speak. It's like a survival thing and once it happens I don't know if you can get that back. However, if you both move on and get over things and learn from your mistakes and grow and change - I think it's possible. Again, women are tough like that... don't know if you have evr heard that song "when a womans fed up" but it's true. If we give you all of us and you throw us away after we have loved and wanted you... it's part of who we are. I mean if she came back and was the same person - flaws - problems- routine that you had - ask yourself would you really be different? You left for a reason - make sure you are ready and really want that back and don't just miss her... cause you're gonna miss her and it's gonna rip your heart out... but are you really ready for the same girl that you left? I would give it a rest for a while and then just be happy when you do talk to her... but simple and short and not like your a mess... I mean think about it we don't want to be around ourselves when we are falling apart - no one else will either... that is all I have for ya - I do wish you good luck - but please really make sure that she is really what you want - spend some thought on that. Cause if she does take you back and you treat her the same... she will leave and there is no going back... She will not ever believe in you again.
Kristin - Maybe he was just blowing off steam - chill out, be cool and let him know you miss him but don't fall apart it sounds like he's just maybe overwhelmed and needs some time.... if you really have a good thing and he's into you one morning and dropping you the same afternoon... He'll be back just give him something to miss. Guys need space and I have learned that and if they are the least bit overwhelmed - in my experience they push you and take a breather... Tell him the next time he needs space - to just tell you rather then breaking up with you. Chances are your Holiday vacation may have overwhelmed him with the whole "serious" thing. Bring this up and take it from me 4 years later if you are not on the same page of where you are at and where it is going... and he can't catch up and you can't slow down.... get out now... if he isn't ready for a serious relationship and you are and you want to be in it and serious and he wants it to slow down and step back - unless you are willing ans able to take a step back... I mean really do it without resenting him.. this will not be a fun ride for either of you. He will push you away - you will inintentionally pressure him and then you will not enjoy each other anymore... and you will surely lose yourself... If this is the case - I know you want to beleive but 8 months is nothing compared to what it can turn into - it's like poker the more you bet and put in the more you have invested and the more you want to stay in.. fold now and walk away with what you still have left and before you hate each other... If that's not the case then - he's just probably being a dude and you need to talk to him and let him know that you respect space but don't just leave like that... it's not right...
Okay hey it's all just my opinion - but that's what I have to give... so hope it helped someone more then me
I came across this site while doing a search on google that consisted of: "Is it ok to say sorry to an ex, months after a break up that really did not have any closure?"
I must say to all the posters on this page & most importantly to the actual "Owner" of this page - "WOW!!!" You all are terrific. What a difference you people make! Kudos to all of you and please...keep the thoughts & posts coming. Theyve sure helped me in quite a few ways so I am really glad I stumbled across this site! I was so sure I was going to send an "ex" an email tonight & now I am not so sure that is a good idea (after reading the posts/comments.)
My question though would be to the poster named "ex boyfriend back" that posted a comment roughly 3 months ago. The comment was: "If you want to get back together with your ex boyfriend, its important to ask yourself if you're feeling lonely and anxious, or is it true love?
My response is this: What if u don't know? What if u have no idea if u are just feeling sorry for yourself, lonely, anxious OR....if u have realized your "ex" really is your TRUE LOVE? How would one know the answer to that? Im debating whether I contact my "ex" (if you'd really call it that) or not & out of any of the posts here, that "ONE" simple, small statement really stood out to me & hit home. Would the logic answer be "if u don't know the actual answer yourself, u probably shouldnt be trying to rekindle anything?" I would just hate to continue feeling the way that I do (living with guilt because I broke it off for reasons really unknown & not for any reason in comparison with any of the other posters) when there is still a part of me saying "u didnt even give it enough time" & "how do I know if he really IS the one for me without trying again & giving it my all this time?" I figured just sending an email to him (I couldnt call him, no way, not after our last conversation) explaining even though I called it off, it doesnt mean I never cared, & that he really did mean the world to me. I read an article yesterday that stated "men like to feel competent" in relationships & like to know that they are doing well & being a good lover. So, after reading that, I thought....how terrible, my "ex" took it so hard when I walked away initially as it was, not to mention he must feel like a complete failure. I would never want anyone to feel that, so I wanted to express it was "I" that had the issues & that I am sorry we couldnt see eye to eye but nonetheless, hes still a great man & had wonderful qualities. I want him to know Ill always think highly of him just so his mind is put to rest that he doesnt think he failed or is a "nothing!!" But, I dont know if that is appropriate to even do. How do you know if it is better just to "let be" or try expressing yourself to release "inner guilt?" I met him online back in June of 08, we discussed meeting but I wanted to wait to get to know him more. In October I called it quits (only 4 months later & not having met him) then shortly after I started having major 2nd thoughts so I asked if we could rekindle. We sort of tried that for a few weeks thereafter, but I became a yo-yo on a string to him & easily I sensed it. Out of anger, because we both were basically playing each other...we went our seperate ways with really NO GOODBYE. There was no closure. Then the end of Dec, I texted him to call me if he had a minute because I was still bothered at the way it ended & sure enough, later that same night, he called. There was so much tension just in our voices alone, it was hard for either of us to be ourselves, let alone...me try to express anything I had on my mind so we got nowhere! We hung up & because I did NOT get the closure I was hoping to get (or even answers) I sent a text asking "at what point did he really feel our relationship went downwards" he replied "when I kept putting off meeting him in person" & basically just kept throwing in my face from that moment on, that, "I was the one that broke his heart & slapped him in the face to boot" & I needed to stop looking for reasons to put the blame on him just to make myself feel better. I pointed out that I had come across a personal ad of his that he was active on, the end of October (when we were still in the "trying to rekindle phase") & that I was bothered by it because that just went to show he had well given up but was still telling me he loved me & was willing to give us another chance at the same exact time. Thats when he got really angry saying "stop trying to turn this on me to make yourself feel better" & that "what I saw was obviously not October of 08" because he "WASNT" on any sites then! Well....thats quite wrong because it was Oct. of "08" I saw the information quite clearly, there was & still is NO mistake(s) about it. I just think he was mad that I called him out on it. But, after him telling me to "stop turning it around" his last words were "im going to bed now." That was it. I was angered so I tried to call his house immediately after that response & he wouldnt answer. I just simply texted him back saying "I wasnt trying to turn it around, I know I was the one that ended it all initially but just wanted to know the truth on his feelings & I couldnt believe he wouldnt just answer the phone so i'd just let him be & not bother again." That was it. No response, no contact...nothing from then on! That was Dec 30, 2008. Theres been ZERO communication since then. Its probably best but my heart STILL hurts! Im still wrecking myself inside. I beat myself up daily. Im 36 years old, very attractive (probably making myself ugly from the stress I am putting myself through)& have a personality that usually outshines the moon even on one of it's fullest nights. But, since all this, I barely function, have no desire to do a thing. Im letting myself go & dont understand! Deep down I keep thinking "absence makes the heart grow fonder" & I really really feel maybe im experiencing that now? Why else would I be hurting this much? What if my heart has come to terms w/the fact that I adored most of what we were learning about each other & gave up too soon? How do I know that? I never really gave us a chance. I got scared that because it would have been long distance for both of us (im in Vegas, hes in Minnesota) that it would have fizzled out eventually anyway so why deal with the heartbreak when I could call it off well before even allowing us the chance to meet & get closer. I put the cart before the horse I think? (or however that line goes....) Im just royally confused & havent a clue what to do or what would be best. I was hoping by sending him an email, it would quash any bad feelings he may have of me thinking he wasnt "good enough" and also release guilt that I am harboring for calling it quits. Maybe Im just living in a fantasy world & in all reality I am just scared of being alone. I just miss the connection/companionship! I keep telling myself that I should at least meet the guy because overall, we did get along well & had quite a bit in common. The only problem I saw was (I am big on astrology) & Im cancer, hes gemini & all signs stated those 2 signs will NEVER work & always clash. I should have just went with it to see what happened?? Why does it have to get so complicated & why does guilt eat one up inside. To the point "my heart" actually "aches" I dont think Ive ever hurt this bad in my past. I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone.
Sorry to ramble & spew my guts here. I needed to release & I have no-one to express
My bf broke up a few days back. We were a long distance couple (states apart). We used to go to the same school until I transferred. When we together in person we were absolutely perfect. I felt like he was the one and we loved each other a lot. We've been together for 2 years and had been trying ldr for a few months. Now I don't really know what to do... he said we should just be friends and he can't do ldr. Should I wait for this guy and possibly get back with him if we're in the same state. Or does the fact that he was unable to commit to me show that maybe he really didn't love me enough. I can only see one reason why he would want to end the relationship(although he denies it), so he can get action with someone who is physically near him. I'm so confused because I really love this guy and I'm willing to wait for him and get back with him in the future but I feel like it would be me acting like foolish girl in love..
My coworker said he was divorced, but was actually separated has 2 kids and asked me out knowing I am going through a bad marriage which is almost breaking up. I have 2 kids too....we seemed to hit it off great, till he tells me his wife is back and wants to get back together. He said he didn't want to keep me hanging and said he wanted to give their marriage another chance because they did have a connection and it would be great for the kids.
I stepped back and wished him all the best, thinking it was the right thing to do.
2 weeks later, he tells me they split again and it was just never going to work....he asked me for another chance. Since we work together, it is hard not to see him everyday.....I was confused and said I wasn't sure and would need to take it really slow and see if I could trust him again. We started chatting off and on for a week thereafter which he told me she was back again and he was completely torn and confused this time. I told him to make sure he is really over her since he cannot go around looking till he's not sure of his feelings for her.
He apologized and requested to be work professionals henceforth.
I was so mad at him and told him clearly that I wish I didn't really have to work with him, but would try and get through this particular work together after which I would prefer never to see him again. He said he understood and respected my decision.
Did I do the right thing? Should I even speak to him after this or just try and get to another project so that I don't have to see or work with him? How do I get over him? part of me wonders if it going to work out between them...but then this seems a really unreliable guy for me?? What is the right thing to do??
Thanks so much for reading!! Appreciate your thoughts!
Uh Well Im Just Tryna Tell My Own Damn Storyy &&- Get A Good Reaonable Answer Back !
Patsy says:
3 years ago
I think this is so true. All though it does take time to be able to look thru the haze and see the real reasons why shouldn't get back together. Cuz if you were meant to be you wouldn't be broken up in the first place. :)