Should the Two of You Break Up?

This is a tough question, partly because there's no way I can tell you yes or no for certain - I don't know you and I don't know your relationship particulars. It's also a tough question because...well...because it's also a painful question.

First of all, if you're even asking yourself this question, I am so sorry. Hopefully the following insights will help you make the right decision.

Has trust between you been completely destroyed? If your answer is "yes," then you've basically broken up already, you just haven't acknowledged it. And you need to, because once trust is gone, it is damn near impossible to get it back. How do I know? My father had an affair in 1975. Rather than divorcing, he and my mother stayed married, and she hasn't really trusted him since - and they are two seriously miserable people today. Do the math, and count the years from 1975 to now. That's a looong time to be mistrusting and unhappy - and making everyone around you equally mistrusting and unhappy.

Are you staying because you'd rather be unhappy than alone? If so, I've got good news and bad news for you - and it's the same news: it is time to grow up. Being alone, even living alone, is not horrible. I should know - I didn't live alone for more than six months total until I was 35 years old. Once I got my own place, my first thought was "What took me so long?" I learned so much about myself that I can't even begin to recount it here. But when I had a chance to grab the brass ring and be open to the great love of my life, I was a lot more ready than I would have been without that physical and emotional time by myself. Not only do you deserve the chance to get out, be solitary, and grow up, so does the person you're with - who may be as miserable as you are!

Have you fallen out of love? If you have, you're doing your former sweetie no kindness by sticking around waiting to "bring back that loving feeling." If it's gone, it's gone, and in the end, your soon-to-be-ex will be even more hurt when he or she finds out that you've been lying every time you say "I love you" for the last six months. Do both of you a favor and break up now.

Has your respect for this person disappeared? Mutual respect in a relationship is just as important as mutual trust - and both must be earned, not freely given. I don't know about you, but I absolutely cannot be in love with someone I don't respect. I learned that lesson with my second husband. For some reason, I just couldn't respect someone who quit or got fired from yet another low-paying dead end job every two to six weeks, who drank to excess and then wet our bed whenever he was drunk, and when he wasn't drunk was high as a kite on cocaine. Hard to respect a person like that. Even harder to respect yourself if you put up with a person like that for more than, oh, a week. Do yourself a favor and break up. Now.

If you've said "yes" to all four questions, I'm pretty sure it's time to cut your losses and get out of the relationship now. You're doing yourself and your future ex no favors by dragging out the inevitable. Eventually one of you has to do the right thing and end the romance. From experience, I can tell you that it hurts a lot less if you're the "dumper" as opposed to the "dumpee." Good luck.