♥ A woman walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does.

The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now"
and she replies "you're checking for menopause" and he says "very good".

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very good".

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you"♥♥♥

♥ A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know." She walks up to the bird and asks, "What did you say?" The parrot says, "I said you are REALLY UGLY!!!" ♥♥♥

♥ Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black employee: "I'm a minority."

Female employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay?" ♥♥♥

♥ If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of Exlax, then you will be afraid to cough. ♥♥♥

♥ If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.♥♥♥

♥ Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.♥♥♥

♥ In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.

"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."

"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers." ♥♥♥

♥ McDonalds announced it�s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn�t it? Jay Leno ♥♥♥

♥ The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, and saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!" ♥♥♥

♥ A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer-seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail.

His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You will never have to go to jail with all that money.

And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime left. ♥♥♥

♥ An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." ♥♥♥

♥ "The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. In addition, it is a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy." Jay Leno ♥♥♥

♥ "Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." Conan O'Brien ♥♥♥

♥ Last night my wife asked me to take her to some expensive place today. Therefore, I took her to a gas station. ♥♥♥

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Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's ass!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

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