When I heard you on the phone earlier today, I heard a happiness in your voice that I hadn't heard in many many years. I have to admit that for a moment, just a brief second in time, my heart ached and broke for I felt this overwhelming sadness...and thought "why WHY couldn't he feel that happy WITH me?" But as quickly as it had flooded my heart, it rushed away again and left me with such an enormous amount of love and compassion for you. Finally my confidante of 19 years, my VERY BEST FRIEND for 25..FINALLY he seemed happy. It was feeling of joy that was not overwhelming, but quiet. Still...almost more meaningful. I know that must be what you hear in me as well when you heard me on the phone.

These thoughts, this moment was significant because it made me realize that I do have a truer love in my heart for you than I believed. No, not the kind of love that I think sustains a marriage...but instead a kind of love that is reserved for only maybe one or two soulmate FRIENDS in a lifetime. You have been my bestest since I was 15 and that has never changed. Through all of the good, the bad, the ugly our friendship has deepened; survived... Our marriage did not...

For the first time I feel that I can detach and let go of you without actually letting go. No, we cannot make a marraige work (damn we made a mess of things didnt we?) but we are experts at being loyal friends. There is no one else in this world that I can imagine being able to share that unique a bond with. And although you would imagine that it would hurt to the very core of us (and it did at first...the loss of our dreams, goals, expectations, trust) it somehow feels right. It is as if we were ALWAYS meant to be walking this life's road together...but perhaps just not as man and wife. This is not an easy concept to grasp...but one which we understand.

Whomever you end up with, , I want you to know that I will always be here for you. A shoulder to lean on...an ear to listen....and KNOW THIS..if she (whoever she is) EVER HURTS YOU..I WILL KICK HER AZZ! I may be scrawny but I could totally do it! All joking aside...YOU AND I have done ALOT to cause scars to each other. Pain that we have caused each other goes very deep and is still raw at times. But beginning to let go of those wounds and understanding that the truest form of love is allowing the other to move forward...letting go of the other for the other's true happiness. You hurt me deeply in the past, but I can let go. I have hurt you immensely but have somehow found your way to forgivenss for me. I can finally feel the tenderness and compassion for you. That little boy in you that I have always wanted to take care of comes out and I am happy now knowing that the wounds have not destroyed him.

You have a good heart my friend....a strong and steady one...it has felt much grief over the years caused by many in your life that you should have been able to trust and I want you to be able to heal it. Dont hold people at an arm's length honey...do not build any more barriers to others. You let me closer than anyone else in your life and I cherished that privelage. I squandered that honor...much in the same way as you squandered my affection and trust as well. And although we could spend a lifetime feeling badly about it...there are lessons to be learned and lessons that we have to take with us.

You met a girl on the bus those many years ago. Innocent, hurt, broken. And that girl became your friend. Your truest friend. I have cried with you, laughed with you, made love to you, had beautiful precious daughters with you. All this is ours. NO ONE can take that from us. This girl learned much from you...she learned to trust when there was no one in the world she could trust. She learned to laugh ALOT...and sometimes at herself. She learned a little something about being dependable and reliable. She learned that if not cherished it is easy to let those beautiful things slip away.

And that young boy...that young man learned much as well. If you are capable of loving someone, I am proud of that..because I was able to affect that lesson for you. If you are able to communicate with raw honesty, I am glad for that because of the many times I pulled teeth and pushed you to get in touch with yourself and to open up to me. If you have learned something about VALUING what is freely given and that which is a privelage to have, a persons vulnerable and complete love (which is a gift given to you) then I am grateful and proud of that as well.

Through it all we have taught and learned much. Our partnership was not for nothing. We have shared something special and will continue to do so...despite what others may think/say or do. No it is not the deep abiding romantic love we should have had in our wife/husband...but something equally special....a FOREVER friend...and buddy, pal, confidante. Two souls walking along the same path of life with other partners but still destined to be friends til death.

So honey, when you need a shoulder, an ear or a drinking buddy...turn to me....as you only could your friend. When she (whoever she is) pisses you off, hurts your feelings or calls you on one of your MILLION annoying little traits, seek out your friend. I will be there to tell you you are being an ASS and kick you in the butt and send you home to her. Be good to yourself...do not EVER let it go again...when you find it...HANG ON...CHERISH IT....if you do that...than our efforts of 19 years will not be in vain. It will have meant that I accomplished soemthing for you that I always wanted (albeit not for you and I ) but your happiness which was always my desire for you. Protect your precious heart, but do not build anymore fortresses around it. Let someone in...let yourself trust again.

The ride has been the best, babe. There has been pain along this track...but there has been so much JOY in this journey. I am never going forget the lessons of our lives together. I am always going to need you and want you in it.

Our wedding song was the "Rose" and I don't know if I will ever be able to hear that song again and not cry. It was an enduring symbol of our marriage but now I believe it to be a symbol of our friendship. Like "the Rose"...our friendship... seemingly dead... from the ashes of our burnt out marriage pokes its way thru the charred soil and turns its face to the sun to blossom again.

I love you as only you and I can understand,

Forever....

Me