Single Life Reflections

Single? Think you're alone out there? Well, you're not. There are over 96 million singles in the United States. My "HUB" is for the single person, filled with thoughts and reflections on what it's like to be single, the challenges we face as singles, and the courage needed to go through life alone.

Read the facts!

95.7 million singles live in the United States.

30.5 million Americans live totally alone, comprising 27% of all U.S. Households

22 states now have more single households than married.

54% of single Americans are women.

60% of singles have never been married, 25% are divorced, and 15% are widowed.

12.9 million are single parents (10.4 million women; 2.5 million men)

712,000 single grandparents raised their grandchildren in 2005.

15 million single Americans are 65 and older.

Finding self worth in yourself as a single can be tough. Depending on how you view your singleness, whether a blessing or a curse, it could affect how you feel about your own worth as an individual. Let's face it, people look at us as deficient because we're unmarried. Then there are those of us who are divorced, who probably have that thumb and index finger to our foreheads in the shape of an "L" calling ourselves "losers." Then on the other end of the spectrum you might be like Steve Carrell in the movie Evan Almighty standing in front of the mirror every morning saying, "I'm successful, powerful, handsome, and happy." Self worth is all about how we view ourselves in the mirror of life.

Unfortunately, the world through media and advertisements sets for us their standards of worth and value as humans. Those standards usually include good looks, ideal weight, youthful appearance, and money. The reality is the majority of us do not possess all those ideals, and finding self worth can be a real challenge in the world today. Being loved, needed, accepted, and recognized are those things that build self worth in us as individuals. Some singles, however, don't have others giving them the positive feedback they need to feel good about themselves.

So what's the answer? Do we stand in the mirror every morning declaring we're successful, powerful, handsome (or beautiful), and happy or do we dig down deep inside of us and find that self worth in ourselves. I've learned that self worth must come from within me and how I believe my creator views me. Every day I have to remind myself not to let the world define who I am. My worth belongs to the one who created me, and I refuse to let the world and others define my value. How about you?

Dr. Rick Warren wrote a book a few years ago called the "Purpose Driven Life" that made it to the best seller list. Since that book was released, having purpose in life seems to be a hot topic on the Internet.

What is purpose? According to the dictionary one of it's definitions is the reason for which something exists. Being alone as a single and dealing with loneliness, it's pretty tough to find the reason for existence, isn't it? So why are we here? Where do we find purpose? Here are a few thoughts from my own life.

I've learned that finding meaning and purpose in life cannot be dependent upon the people or relationships around us. For my own life, taking care of my elderly mother before she passed away gave me purpose, but when she died, it left a hole. Being married and taking care of my husband and a home gave me purpose, but when my marriage ended and I was no longer wanted, it left a hole. Taking care of my son gave me purpose, but then he grew up, left home, and got married. It created an empty nest and another hole. I lost all of those three things in my life in the period of a few years -- my mother, my marriage, my son leaving home. The result? I ended up on anti-depressants and in a counselor's chair. I found out the hard way that I was drawing my purpose in life from the relationships around me, and when those relationships ended, I had nothing left. No purpose for existence.

Nothing has changed much in my life. My parents are still buried, my nest is still empty, my bed is still cold. But you know what? I'm off those little white pills and out of the counselor's chair and on with my life because I've learned a valuable and hard lesson. Our meaning for living and the purpose to continue with life can't be contingent upon others. Why? People die, people leave us, people change. Life has a way of not being constant. It's always evolving and changing. If that's the case, our purpose in life has to be rooted in something more deeper and meaningful so we can survive.

For now, instead of finding purpose through a mate, I find purpose in what I do, who I am, and what I can give others. It's not contingent upon who is in my life or not. I depend upon my Creator for purpose and not in the frailty of human relationships to give me a reason to exist.

Watch where you draw your purpose in life from. Find eternal purposes and not transient purposes. Anchor yourself upon a rock and not on shifting sands. Then you'll always have a reason for being and the joy to face another day alone.

• Faith - Faith takes faith! It's believing in a power bigger than yourself to help you through life. It's believing that there is a God, who personally cares about who you are, knows you're alive, sees your tears, reaches out to strengthen you during the tough times, and wants to have a relationship with you. He says to you, I'm always here. I'll never leave you or forsake you!
• Self-Discovery - Counseling can open up avenues of self-discovery and understanding of who you are. It can provide you with the tools to cope, ways to handle stress, understanding of your behavior, ideas to improve your negative thought processes, and help to overcome depression.
• Reaching Out - Loneliness has a tendency to make us more self-aware. It puts our focus inwardly on our own problems, our own emptiness. The fact remains, however, there are plenty of less fortunate people everywhere in the world. Take your eyes off yourself and place them on someone else. It will lessen the pain you feel and may actually make you feel better knowing you've helped another. It will take your lonely existence and put it in perspective.
• Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - We've all heard it said. Don't sweat the small stuff! Laugh a little. It's good for the soul. Try to come to terms with embracing what hurts you the most, like being single and alone. You may find when you embrace it, it's really not as bad as you thought, then laughter may return and life will seem lighter. Nothing is forever. Life evolves, life changes, life has its seasons.

Well, frankly there's no purpose rehashing the thousand of online places you can shop for love these days. Every flavor of human being is posted on the Internet for your clicking enjoyment. Does it work? Yes for some. Is it fun? Can be. Does it hurt? It could. Is it safe? Pays to be cautious. But while you're looking one of the biggest challenges you'll face may be rejection.

It's a fact. Your profile can be viewed a thousand times with no response. You can email individuals and never get an answer. You can meet someone and you never hear from them again. Online dating is an avenue to meet others, but it also has its forms of rejection that can cut you to the heart, especially if you're extremely lonely or recently rejected from a broken marriage or other relationship. Let's face it, things have changed. Many social graces have fallen by the wayside. People are not always as forthcoming in communicating with others. Technology has done wonders to make our lives easier, but it allows us to hide behind profiles, emails, and gives us easy ways out in not communicating true feelings. We can reject someone by a click of a mouse and deem them unworthy by a posted picture. We look for chemistry in a .jpeg rather than taking time to find the essence in a person's heart or meeting them face-to-face. It's easy to take a blow to your self-esteem daily at online dating sites. But they can be helpful and hooking you up with the person you're looking for and there are success stories. Just don't let the responses you receive before you meet someone define who you are. Your value as an individual is not determined by the click of a mouse.

There's a lot to be learned in the world of sports. In basketball there is the act of rebounding or more commonly known as successfully gaining possession of the basketball after a missed field goal or free throw. It's a mentality some singles follow after a divorce wanting to jump back into another relationship before the ink has dried on the divorce papers. No doubt it stems from the fact that we've missed the shot in our former marriage, and we're anxious to rebound as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, you're not guaranteed to make that basket every time you aim for it, especially if there's an injury to the player. It takes time to heal and recover from divorce, and there are no quick steps you can take around the basketball court to win the game faster.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is allow the healing process to take place before trying to sink your next shot. Remember, your goal is to win the game, not just score a point. Be wise, take time, heal.

• Be a smart shopper. Shop at resale shops, liquidation sites, garage sales, estate sales.
• Have a tight-wad mentality & learn frugal living.
• Become an informed consumer before you purchase. Research product reviews online.
• Check out companies before you do business with them to see if there any complaints at the Better Business Bureau.
• Maintain good credit so that when you purchase major items, such as a car, your interest rates are lower.
• Shop and compare insurance prices online for medical, dental, auto, and life.
• Search for the best rates and deals on credit cards.
• If you're in debt, go to credit counseling and learn how to get out and control spending. Pick a reputable firm to help you at the National Foundation of Credit Counseling.
• Search for the highest yield savings accounts and CD's online.
• Build an emergency savings account so when things come up you don't have to charge.
• Work on saving for retirement.
• Find disability insurance in case you get hurt or ill and cannot work for income protection during recovery time.
• Learn to purchase on the basis of need, not want.

Surf the Web - Some great websites to check out are Clark Howard. He's the guru to saving money, warns you of scams, and has multiple great ideas, links, and resources on how to get ahead. Also keep informed on ever changing bank rates and get advice on how to pay off loans at Bankrate.com.

Reach Out and Touch Somebody

• Send flowers to someone for no reason
• Send a card to say you care
• Put your arm around someone hurting
• Find a charity and support it regularly
• Help at the local homeless shelter
• Become a friend to another lonely person

Volunteer Your Time (You've Got Plenty of It!)

• Volunteer Opportunities Nationwide at Volunteer Match.
• Volunteer Opportunities Abroad at Projects Abroad Sponsor an exchange student
• Become a foster parent visit National Foster Parents Assocation for information
• Become an advocate for the elderly*
• Become a victim's advocate*
• Become a Big Brother/Big Sister
• Volunteer through your local single organizations.

*check with your local and state governments for opportunities.

Get Out and Get Moving

• Travel with single groups
• Take a class at your community center
• Start a local singles dinner club
• Find a hobby and pursue it
• Go to concerts, plays, or sporting events
• Try something new you've never done like sky diving!
• Check out places to meet others with similar interests
• Take an adventure
• Join a local hiking club
• Take dance lessons
• Travel