Six Inappropriate Answers to Three Inappropriate Questions.

You’ve probably been there before, a nice wedding reception where your cousin just exchanged vows with the most charismatic, handsome man to ever roam the earth. Or maybe you’re at the family reunion and your old Aunt Betsy is anxious to have some new babies in the family. Inevitably if you’re single, married without children, or expecting a little bundle people are going to ask you questions that they probably shouldn’t. Your first reaction (if you’re anything like me) is to tell them it’s none of their beeswax, but of course that’s not polite so you just smile and give them that standard answer “Oh you know, when it happens,” or “Hopefully soon.”

Of course that’s the nice way to handle the situation, but then another person asks, and another, and soon enough you want to smack them all in the face or run away screaming. In an effort to keep things interesting I’ve got some incredibly inappropriate answers to those inappropriate questions. I caution you on using them, they can cause quite the stir, but if that’s what you’re aiming for, then by all means enjoy!

When are you going to get married?

Well you know, Jack is still married to his fourth wife, and since she’s in jail it’s a little hard to get all the divorce paperwork in order, but as soon as she signs the papers we’re off to Vegas!

-or-

We’ve talked about it and decided that marriage isn’t for us, we really like each other and you know how it is, once you’ve been married for a while you start to despise the other person. I mean you’ve been married what is it, like twelve years now?

When are you going to have kids?

Well we’re actually thinking about trying tonight, in fact in about an hour my cycle will peak so we’re going to sneak off to the master bedroom. Do you think you can keep an eye out so no one disturbs us?

-or-

Funny you should ask. I was thinking about getting one from the black market. Did you know they still do that? Yeah, you can give someone like $200 dollars and voila you get a baby! Of course you have to keep that on the down low, there are always spies sniffing around about black market babies.

What are you going to name the baby?

I was thinking Gomez, we love watching the Adams Family. (insert spouse name) likes Luke Skywalker though. You know he’s/she’s such a Star Wars fan. Which one do you like?

-or-

Well (insert spouses name)’s family always names the first born after the food they ate the night the baby was conceived. It’s kind of fun! So we’ll be naming her Lasagna. Very Italian don’t you think?

Of course I can't be held liable for anything that might result from these answers, after all they are just my dream answers, seeing as how I'm always the polite schmuck who answers "Oh you know, when it happens".

Some might say I'm a bit of a wimp :)