Original Introduction Paragraph -

Bodies, limbs, skulls and DNA pass through and underground tunnel and enter the facilities without signatures, handshakes or even a nod. No one makes eye-contact, and every worker knows nothing beyond the exchanges. Nothing is said, documented or communicated in any manner. This is how the hierarchy of the foundation likes to keep things. Quiet.

Re-written Introduction Paragraph -

Bodies, skulls, DNA and stem cells pass through the underground tunnel to the facilities. No one signs paperwork; nothing is said, documented or communicated in any manner. Handshakes and nods took the place. Eye-contact ceases; workers know nothing beyond exchanges. The hierarchy of the foundation keep things quiet.

^{When starting a fiction story, you must hook readers. Invoke an urgency to keep them reading. The Original Paragraph above tried to say too much with too many words and it was all over the place. Also, it had poor word choice (and for an - 8th word). The Re-Written one re-arranges and subtracts certain words (limbs, for example, because readers may assume bodies include arms and legs).}

^{Write something that mingles with your readers senses. Provide mental images. If you have to use a place you have visited for inspiration, do so. Obviously, including pictures in a story is optional, but make bold statements. Remember that fiction is fake; fiction can be looked at as a way to use untruths to write a story. In short, fiction can be filled with lies. So, your job is to make the lies believable. You may mix a bit of reality in there for good measure, but your results (the finished story) can be anything you choose. Defying gravity and physics is okay, as long as it's credible. Weaving textures, feelings and ideas together will come natural the more you know the environment and your story. Introducing backstory and characters comes next.}

To the viewing public, the foundation is just a laboratory in the woods. To Gabe, it is the epitome of scientific advancement, and he wants to plant a foot on that path.

^{Once you hook the reader, you must keep his or her attention. This can be difficult but if you give some background information about the main character's personal viewpoints, then you can begin to gain the reader's trust. This, afterall, is paramount. Without trust, your story might as well be crumpled up and tossed in the trash. Further background details could follow if you want to include pertinant information about the characters' life, mindset or work.}

Gabe knew more about Chryon’s dealings than he led others to believe. He worked there at night, hunted deer in the woods during the season and never regretted the decision to be head scientist. I mean, would you regret being paid well to work on a confidential assignment that included withholding information from the public?

^{Converse with the reader. Whether you do it through the narrator or author is up to you. Being too direct may make them feel like they have been cornered. Give them breathing room. Think about the comfort of space. In short, do it in spurts, especially when your character is being tested, or he/she is trying to overcome some task, solve some puzzle or find a way.}

If your safety and anonymity were guaranteed, then why not take the opportunity. So, when you become privy to classified documents, you know it is essential to keep your mouth shut.If you were smart, you would not let your employer know that were aware of their illegal activities. This dangerous information could get you killed, especially if they found out about you knowing.

Chryon is the government’s largest, private funder for medicine and genetic research and it is Gabe’s job to dissect cadavers, remove organs and place them into jars. But it wasn’t his job to inform the government about their workers inadequacies and failings. He didn't think it was necessary to tell his superiors anything about the genes he extracted 'on the side'. Do you see where I am going here? It’s like this: picture yourself at work, if you are this type of person, shuffling a 3”x3” yellow sticky pad into your purse, pocket or briefcase. You’re going to use it at home, you rationalize. It’ll be used for work, and you know this. Yet, do you ask your boss, the one who signs your check to take that small item home?

^{Ethical questions engage readers. Any time you directly talk to your audience from the viewpoint of the narrator, you must be careful. You could loose your reader because he/she may feel awkward about being approached so blatantly. To me, bringing morals or ideas into a story that could spark debate (for example politics, religion or what constitutes theft) is best done when my character indirectly speaks with the reader. It's my character's thoughts, feelings and convictions, not mine, that are compelling. It's his life, despite how much I want the readers to know my story.}

Most results would more than likely say they would not tell their bosses or even ask. They just assume it’s OK. But when Gabe started taking documents home it was for the good. He sought to use them to his advantage as well as the well-being of the planets. You might be asking: what in the world can Gabe be taking that can affect the planets? The answer is: the humans. Well, he wants their minds. Yes, it’s true. He wants to divert the attention away from how he used to be seen (this untouchable doctor) to who he really is: a man who seeks to keep humans alive through cloning and destroying the governments’ electronic control.

When he was at the lab at night, he noticed that his assistant made sure to leave the top drawer open. That’s where copies of the human traffic documents were stored. Each morning they were incinerated with the corpses. Yes. You read that right. The government is seeking to limit the number of people on this planet, and Dr. Gabe ___________ is seeking to return the favor by at least controlling those at the top to ensure the freedom of the people below.

^{Too much past-tense writing can become redundant and boring. The above paragraph is kind of vague and, therefore, blase. I would not suggest removing all non-descriptive paragraphs, but make sure not to include the fluff for fluff's sake.}

But how will he go from being a geneticist to Post-Government Pacifier without informing the feds or Home Land Security?

^{Asking the reader a question that includes the main character's dilemma (specifically a conflict) is a great way to present a problem. Follow this up with his or her personal thoughts or struggles on the matter.}

He would have to learn a hell of a lot more about extractions and how to take control of the world. If you ask me, I think the author of this book has Pinky and the Brain syndrome.

^{After reading the above paragraph a few dozen times, it's best to leave out "how to take control of the world." Cliches are one thing. Dead ones flop. Narrators who talk directly to authors bring a strange awkwardness to bear in the reader-to-story relationship.}

With the results in hand, he would burn them into an encrypted key. The dupes were forwarded to the government. Gabe sent the originals to private PO boxes. These keys, as you might guess, were the male counterparts to a much larger lock. Each one opened a different vault, and each vault had a purpose. All interconnecting vaults, when opened with their respective keys, join to form a circle, the Time Loop. At the speed of light, occupants sit, dissolve and reform within nano-seconds at destinations such as the Milky Way, Andromeda and Pinwheel galaxies. It’s called a loop. “Why,” you ask. Well, since it is in a loop that the occupants travel it is in a loop that they ascend and return. The molecules are “flung” at the exact curvature of their re-entry so that the mixing of genes doesn’t completely destroy the kind humans. This is not space travel for the sake of leisure. It’s more like space travel for the sake of survival.

This disturbed him because he had always looked at his provider as more than just a paycheck and a holiday bonus. Yes. There was the occasional truckload of bodies. One or two at a time was understandable. What would you do if your work was good to you, gave you a place to sleep, food to eat and transportation? Would you play the part of the discontent employee bound to pull the plug on your employer, or would you go with the flow because your work could care less about your opinion? Well, you may find out that being politically incorrect is the only way to be heard. Speaking outside the lines of fairness, you make your point and you do it loudly and without shame. Let everyone hear you. Gabe understood this kind of mindset. But without the backing of the scientists, doctors and other genetic engineers, he would not have sanity to relax. He would have to keep his mouth shut for now despite their duplicity-mixed hospitality.

Since his colleagues seemed too trustful from the start, he learned not to trust them. He duped them into believing he cared. They were the type of people that tested Gabe’s patience and his genuine interest in their lives made them open up. They shared mostly when out drinking but occasionally in the confines of the labs walls. He thought about their little secrets and his future understanding of how the world would run.

^{A character's relationship with other people (and how he or she responds to them in public) is a superb way to invoke empathy from your reader. This is another way to gain their trust and make your story and character believable.}

Not as many people took interest in his newest research, but he was learning as much about the labs ability to infiltrate the human traffic trade as he was about the regeneration of stem cells.

^{Deciding how to start a new paragraph or where and when to jump to another paragraph or chapter is more important than it sounds. When I began writing this story, I had three to four different introductory paragraphs. I wrestled with using the one below in place of the one above.}

The Lab. The Genes.

The white lab coat appears to hover in the middle of the cool, dark room as Gabe sits on a wobbly, wooden drafting chair and studies a lizard tail regenerating. His microscope light reflects off a lab coat bunched beneath his arms to alleviate some of the pressure of the weight on his elbows. And only one question remains: Can the gene that enables regeneration be entwined with that of a human so tissues, ligaments, muscles and appendages rebuild themselves?

This is an obvious question to think about, one that makes his neck hair rise. But it seems small. Not quite “out there” enough. “Leave that to the dreamers” he says to himself, “to those who analyze my published findings.”

As he rocks back and forth, thinking the impossible, ideas – posed as questions – come to him. Do the findings of Hizenburg’s Principal of Entanglement provide enough evidence to warrant research? Should I experiment on human genes to see if they actually entangle with those of animals? What about external factors, like the governments’ knowledge of his whereabouts, the processing nature of genes and his lack of appropriate surgical surroundings (we’re talking multiple tables for waiting clients). The answers came immediately.

1) Talk to Lieutenant General Bard Willington of the National Guard. He’ll know what to do about getting access to the site that was razed.

2) Contact Colonel Ken and let him know about the importance of current Gold Word findings. Provide him with the schematics of the machine. * At any cost, make sure the engineers believe the lie.

3) Inform the government (names disclosed in Gold Words) about current findings: Link between opium traffic and body smuggling; usage of body parts, genes and blood. *This will keep Big Brother out of Gabe’s professional, albeit profitable and secret, life.

He knew that controlling the masses takes trust. “But the masses trust and listen to themselves more than their American government,” he thought. They will not put up with control over themselves. They will not go back to being slaves. Ah, what if they’re unaware of the control? They’ll listen to their own thoughts if they think their right. NOTE: Feed them controlled medicines. Like “bosses, make them think that have power over personal choices, but make them believe lies cloaked with just enough truth to swallow.

They always pay attention to the doctor. Trust is not an issue. Long-term roots in his community play a bigger role. Gabe wondered, “How can I deceive them without any client-doctor breach of confidence?” I want to gain their confidence long enough to get their vote. It was a matter of votes when it came to who controls the voter’s viewpoints on everything from foreign policy, freedom of speech and freedom from death. The government wasn’t that secretive when they mentioned their newest viewpoint on the death penalty. Now, more than before, states gained control over who they could execute and who would be left to rot in either a cell or psychiatric ward.

But this time, Gabe went into hiding. His life was in danger. The feds know he’s up to no good and that he may turn on them. So, more than ever, he is alone. He’s changed his name, put his ocean side property on the market and sold his Monte Carlo for close to nothing.

He knew he had to locate the mega-wealthy, the men and women of power who would not only express interest in his current work but support his plans on taking over the government so that Universal Domination could take place. Now, you may be wondering, what logical, sane human would want a geneticist running the world? Well, that’s a good question. Let me play devil’s advocate for a minute. If the world was going to come to an end and it was going to be decided by one man (one who sought to thwart the destruction of humans by genetically enhancing them) or by the government (who sought to experiment and, eventually, eliminate the entire human race), who would you vote for: the former who wanted to extend life or the latter whose main concern was to wipe out those same lives? The answer becomes clearer. I know I’d choose the doctor, no matter how kooky or bizarre his solution to the matter sounded. But without votes, money and control, Big Brother would reign supreme.

Everyone knows that money is the great initiator; it makes things start or stop. Go after the billionaires and advertise their places of interest: the moon, the planets, the galaxies and beyond. Gabe knew he would need to control them through psychological warfare and make them think they’re keen and wise. But he would need to stay five steps ahead of them. He thought, “I’ll let them trash my findings and I’ll appear to cease publishing. I’ll give them a reason to cast a dark shadow over my words. I’ll sell my place, legally change my name and plant false hope in them.” “Yes,” he thought, “that’s what I’ll do.”

Gabe was convinced, no doubt, that he was smart, but he was not too arrogant about it in public. He had a quiet confidence, as they say; in conversation, with his subordinates, he was curt, sometimes rude. Not many people knew this side of him because he rarely worked with outsiders.

To people who knew him professionally and in his neighborhood, he was a friendly man, a quantum physicist and genetic engineer, “A man with too many neurons firing at once,” one local editor wrote in the Massachusetts Weekly. When he spoke about his findings, Ivy League universities, chemists, religious freaks, hippies and even naysayers listened. Who blames them? Telepathy, biogenetic engineering and their after-effects were his realms of expertise. He could link them together, explain their unique differences and similarities and prove to people why they’d be smart to heed his warnings. If likened to war, you would want to know what to do if attacked or shot at. Wouldn’t you? Don’t you want to know how to defend yourself or to ward off an attack?

From finger to trigger and bullet to head,

Those not watching will end up dead.

Death is daily on his mind. A “Where To Next?” sticker hangs off his microscope stand. A chuckle arises every time he sees it. He’s reminded of every time he shared the vision of how Earth’s inhabitants would one day be pursued and engulfed by the world of technology. This was way before Japan began to supply us with our gadgets.

He had the pulse of the world grasped by his scrawny, little hands. And, even though he was intelligent, he still didn’t have enough degrees to keep himself from staying out of other people’s business. He was nosy and busy traveling the world, giving speeches, making himself known to whoever would listen. And they all listened. They would leave work unannounced once word spread about his random arrival. City by city, Dr. Gabe Fratue spoke eloquently about his results. Freely, without fear of disclosure, he addressed the needs and problems of the globe, pointing out its connection with the entire universe. Al Gore was a hero of his, but he never let the public know this. He’d be ridiculed for any connection to the White House.

Whenever he addressed a crowd, the attendees were mixed. Some saw him as a hot-air buffoon, spewing lies and causing dissension in churches, governmental agencies and classrooms. They were brutal and hated him with loud voices, signs and death threats. One newspaper analyst questioned what kept some people from killing him. Others loved him and would give him their last dying breath if asked. The journals were worse than the tabloids. You think Princess Diana’s death was an accident? You’re right. Accidents happen when a car moves, especially at excessive speeds. Ask anyone who’s held a fresh, lidless, full coffee cup while creeping over a speed bump. All things are connected. Motion and halting join and become one. Entanglement occurs when wind wraps itself around a branch and snags a bag on a limb. It would be just a matter of time before he stumbles upon the answer to his questions. It is always about tim(e) ing.

The moment he decided to “play” the victim and hero came one night after watching Gilligan’s Island, show titled: President Gilligan, where Gilligan is helped by, who other than, Thurston Howell III. Gilligan is being heralded by The Skipper, and Thurston says something snotty and stuffy. Gilligan’s character smile emits hope. He thinks good things happen to people who do bad. That’s when Gabe decided he wanted to turn into his own enemy as well as his own savior. To take control over people, to manipulate them through mind-control, he would have to make them think he was not smart enough to insert a “bridge” between the central nervous system, the regenerating growth spot and the patient’s cerebral cortex. He would have to do this when the attending doctors were not looking. Being devious was not difficult for him; this came natural. A deceptive heart planted long ago began to beat, and it wasn’t until he cracked did he lose temporary control of his sanity.

As others believe he is genuinely concerned about their health and well-being, the more influence and power he gains. The more clients who trust him runs parallel with rising funds.

He’s fixated on the labyrinth, as he calls it; possessing a darkness that never leaves, Even when the lights are on it seems sullen and lightless. The only lights used in it are battery operated, except when he has other doctors present for privagte surgeries. That’s when generators take over. This place lies directly beneath the Administration Building. Gabe hunches over the table with his eyes looking through the rubber eye piece and he is watching the formation, the growth, the actual changes and regeneration of the lizards tail. Almost like sugar crystals when making rock candy. He decides to figure out how to grow back limbs and how to connect Universal Domination to that. He becomes a world re-known prosthetic surgeon who attempts to control the world one patient at a time. He places stock in planetary travels, he feels like he is trying to become the universes king, not so much God, but to supplant order with his own divisive tactics. Gabe has convinced someone on his team is out to get him; there will be a time when someone is going to try to attempt to steal his gold words. The folder marked Gold Words – the words that explain how entanglement of a human and an animal’s gene would allow the human to gain a particular faculty; subsequently, the animal would lose subtle control but only temporarily. That’s another way of saying, ‘for as long as the doctor orders.’

The article states:

The gene progresses and thrives for the exact amount of time needed to reach the intended length for the appendage, muscle, ligament. The goal is to set a pre-determined length [according to person’s height and opposing appendage length – usually in centimeters] or width [scar repair].