I travel more than the average person; mostly on business.  Most of the time, I am flying to Las Vegas, Los Angeles, New York and Miami.  I have certain routines I follow such as a particular place to park at O’Hare International Airport (Chicago), to grabbing McDonalds’s for breakfast at the terminal to prepping some DVD’s for my portable DVD player in my carry-on.  I am not afraid of flying and find is somewhat relaxing.

If it is an early morning flight…there is no doubt I will be snoozing on the plane.  Just after takeoff, when we are at our designated altitude; I relax, position my head in a comfortable manor and drift off into a blissful sleep.  Well, blissful until either the refreshments cart slams into my arm or the asshole next to me with the bladder the size of a pea has to take a piss.

Now, taking a nap during the flight is all well and good, but unfortunately, I just found out…THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE PILOT IS DOING!  Yea…that motherfucker is about to take a nap while all of us in the cabin are ignorant to the fact that they are about to “go sleepy” while the plane either flies itself or he has to depend on the co-pilot to maintain our precious existence.

You may have heard about the flight from San Diego to Minnesota last week that overshot the airport by 150 miles.  Now, when I heard this story, I didn’t think it was a big deal because I know the plane is moving at high speeds (8 miles per minute with no tail win, and up to 10 miles per minute with a tailwind) meaning overshooting the airport was only a matter of 15-20 minutes.  These particular pilots may not have been sleeping (although they very well could have been) and may have simply missed a call or change in frequency in from traffic control.  The truth hasn’t come out yet about this particular story so I am in no way incriminating these particular individuals.

The thing that makes me nervous now was listening to the radio yesterday as they took calls from Pilots and Air Traffic Control workers about the practices of these pilots.  Numerous commercial pilots called into this show and said on almost any flight you go on, the pilot and co-pilot may take turns taking short naps.  They said that the change in time zones and the working hours make it difficult to stay alert and awake so they NEED to take these naps.  The people calling in who have working in Traffic Control say this is normal and that no response from pilots occurs due to sleeping pilots.  Uhhh…what’s that you say?

Am I the only one who finds this completely unacceptable?  Holly shit, have they heard of drinking a fucking Redbull or loading up on some God damned coffee?  Wake the hell up and do your job.  I realize the airplanes in the sky now are heavily automated and can even land themselves…but I don’t care; pay attention.  It’s your job!  If I am sleeping at my desk during the day I will be shit canned with a quickness.

I think about when I have gone long road trips in my car with friends or family and have gotten a bit sleepy.  The co-pilot or whoever is in the passenger’s seat’s job is to keep you awake, talk to you, and possibly take the controls.  Now, if you are driving, get tired and need to relinquish your driving duties to someone else…that doesn’t mean you can just go to sleep; that means your job now is to keep the driver alert and awake.  Standard passenger policy in my car.

I have been in the car driving while someone is sleeping next to me and it makes me even more tired.  I also find it fucking rude for that person to be sawing logs as I am driving my ass off.  The same should go for the pilots  The only difference between me driving my family across country and a pilot flying a commercial airliner is…I am not responsible for hundreds of people who have paid hundreds of dollars to get from point “A” to point “B”  safely.

One of the traffic control workers said in Europe there is a rule that every ten minutes a flight attendant knocks on the cockpit door to make sure the pilots are awake.  Are you fucking kidding me?  UNACCEPTABLE!  Beware of flying in Europe!

I have an idea that needs to be implemented immediately.  I think the captain’s chairs need to be hooked up to some electrical device that is controlled by both traffic control and the flight attendants.  If the pilot or co-pilot does not respond they simply press this button and it gives an electric shock to their hinny’s.  Or better yet, every five minutes the pilot or co-pilot needs to press a particular button in order to keep that electric shock from happening.  Yeah…I think I like that one better. 

I now finally understand why the pilot always sounds like he just woke up when he does the overhead announcements…it’s because he really is just waking up.  God help me…I have to fly to New York in two weeks.

Here are three instances where you know your pilot may be planning a nap during your flight:

1)      As you board the plane the pilot is holding his “blankie.”

2)      Instead of a coffee or an energy drink in his hand he is sipping some warm milk.

3)      You overhear your pilot telling the flight attendant he is getting over a cold and says “Thank God for NyQuil.”

I also have a funny joke I heard from a Pilot who was arguing with an air traffic controller.  After a few barbs at eachother arguing about which is harder (being a pilot or air traffic control) the pilot asks this question:

Q: What do you call a 300 pound air traffic controller?

A: The skinny one.