Sleight of Gitte

Your hair looked funny in the video. It wasn’t his exact words but something very similar. The meaning was the same, anyway: You should do something about that before the next video cos it looks ridiculous.

The suggestion was innocent enough. Perhaps even meant in a friendly way. Unfortunately it kinda pushed the switch inside of me that plays an all too familiar recording: You are dumb, you look like crap, you are worthless, you are a fool for thinking anyone will waste their time on you, you are a charity case and whoever is with you should be rewarded for being so damn patient.  Bla bla bla.

It’s an ugly tape and it takes virtually nothing to switch it on. That’s why I don’t blame him for saying what he did, he was merely pointing out that appearances are important when you make videos to share with people. I kinda think the message I am trying to get across – that noncustodial parents need to come out in the open and help each other to kill the taboo – is way more important than my hair. I think the guy who said this agrees with that, too. It was an innocent remark about my hair. And I crashed and burned. I got so incredibly sad at the thought of my own appearances. That started the whole scenario that I have gotten so used to over the years, albeit with different partners: I know you’ve got problems but I am still willing to be with you. Like I am some sort of freak whom no one will be with except if they’re incredibly courageous and self-sacrificing. Like someone shrugging their shoulders and going “Yeah I’ll be with you..if I absolutely HAVE to”. No way I am ever playing that role in a relationship again. Ever. If someone gets to be with me, it’s because I am magnificent and they see it – not cos they pity me or have some need to be validated for their good, patient work – on ME.

I do have issues. Not more so than other people, though. I just sometimes tend to pick men who focus on my issues and wanna fix them or constantly remind me about them because it makes them feel like they’re saviors (not speaking of my ex husband here though – he didn’t do that). I wonder why I do that. It’s definately not a conscious choice. I am, however, making a conscious choice to never follow that  road again. I am a wonderful woman with many fine qualities and although I do get overly emotional quite often and tend to be worried about stuff I have no control over, I am well worth being with. This is not a sales commercial: I am just stating the fact that I have come to this conclusion within myself and that’s a good thing.

The instance I feel myself withering away and forgetting who I am and forgetting that I am GREAT within my own right, I back off. I have learned the lesson years ago: Better happy alone than sad with someone. A relationship is supposed to be a asset to an existance that is already working on it’s own. You need to be happy about yourself and your life, then go for a partner if you think you need one. Not the other way around: Don’t get a partner to make you happy. It’s never gonna happen.

Tell me a little about your choice of partner. What qualities are important in a partner? Why do you need a partner? Have you ever let yourself wither away within a relationship?