So Much Change and Yet Still The Same

 He's still the same strong man that shows no emotions and plays his little power and control games.

I'm still the same girl that caves or feels bad when he plays the games.

Though our divorce has been final for 4 months.  We'v been separated for nearly three years, we are still the same.  I'm still the emotional girl.  He's still the strong silent type.

He still pulls out the guilt trips, and I still take the ride.  He plays the martyr and I feel the guilt.

Why does it continue this way?  After so much time and so much change, we, our core selves remain the same.  Our dynamic remains the same.  How does he do this to me?  I feel like he turns me into a different person, not the capable confident woman I am, but another person entirely in the short time I spend in his presence.

I've often heard it said "where ever you go, there you are."  Well, isn't this painfully true?

Can people really change?  Inside.  Change who they are at thier core?  And why do we even want to? 

Because life is painful and messy at times.  We make mistakes, or hard choices that aren't mistakes and yet we carry them like a burden.

I've always believed people can change.  I still do.  I know my heart and soul has changed over the last three years.  I have been through a maze of disasterous relationships and excruciating self discovery.  Improvement and wonder.  Still, like a drug he gets in my system.  I let him in.  I have a slip.  I backslide a little bit, and in a flash I'm right back to who I was years ago.

Even with all of this, and my heart breaking right now, I know I will wake and walk into life tomorrow-- that capable, confident woman that I have worked so hard to be.