Have you ever heard of phone envy? You know, you buy a brand new phone and you’re really excited to show it off to everyone but then your friend one ups you with their brand spanking new phone the same day and steals your new phone bragging rights glory? I hate that. When I get a new phone, I want it to be the coolest at least for a week. I know it won’t be longer because I can’t really afford to plop down $400 for a phone, but still a little product pride for a week is nice even for cheapskates. Even when I know there are better phones than mine, I don’t usually get phone envy until I see a friend with one. It’s the same way with cars, houses, boats, RVs, and just about any stupid material thing that makes me jealous.

Well, I’ve been thinking of what the newest envy will be like. You know, the future envy; and I think it will be space envy. Picture this: you go on a week long vacation to Cancun, or Europe, or friken China or someplace you think is really cool. You are really excited to tell all your friends, show them pictures, and make them really jealous about how worldly and well traveled you are. Then, your punk neighbor across the street butts in and says, “you mean you’ve never been to space?” “I just got back from Mars yesterday and it was so amazing. Here, look at the pictures and videos on my brand new iPhone Space; it gets reception in space.” They even say the word space in that tone of voice where their voice gets a little higher at the end.

You know it’s coming. Business men are working day and night to make space travel more affordable but you know it will be a long time before it is affordable like that. Sir Richard Branson can’t wait to create a whole new market of envy and a brand new class struggle (bless his heart I love him and Virgin). And, in the meantime, you’re going to have to put up with the newest sort of envy and jealousy. Space jealousy!

There will be songs about space bling, and space clothes, and space lingo, and space music, and space food, and space sushi. And every piece of space culture will simply drive you mad with annoyance and dislike for anyone who got lucky enough to become a member of the Million Mile High Club. “Oh, I can't believe you’ve never had space sex.”

Screw you and your trip to space.

* Sir Richard, if by some off chance you’re reading and hiring I really would love to work for you. Perhaps you have a spot in the Virgin Galactic arm? I read your book; please write another.