Spanking as a form of discipline
80
Should you spank your child or not? In psychology when we want a person to learn something we may use positive or negative reinforcement. However spanking qualifies as neither and is usually considered a punisher.
Punishment doesn't actually cause learning, although on the surface it may seem like it does. In fact it causes the child being punished to only to learn to avoid the parent and be afraid of the parent.
Doesn't child psychology differ? They aren't as intelligent as functioning adults, are they?
In fact children are much more vulnerable than we are to punishment and even to negative remarks. Emotions brought about during childhood stay with us throughout adulthood.
You're probably going to cause your child the same amount of pain as an adult would experience after being fired from work, beaten up by a gang, and coming home to find his wife cheating, all in one day.
Being adults, we can brush off our the pains of the world and move forward because we have developed the armour to protect ourselves. Children haven't. Further, by spanking your child you also compromise the long term dynamic you have with him or her when your child grows into an adult.
Consider why you want to spank your child
Do you feel angry or upset? Many parents justify light spanking as a form teaching the child, rather than an outlet for venting their anger. In many cases this isn't the case. Why would you need to spank your child in the first place?
One possibility is a lack of emotional awareness on the part of the parent. Spanking seems quick and efficient. It doesn't requiring thinking or caring, it's purely a behavioural response. But there are effective alternatives.
How to use Positive and Negative Reinforcement correctly
Behaviourists have shown that positive and negative reinforcement (rather than punishment) are two of the most effective ways to teach someone a specific lesson or piece of understanding.
The old "carrot and the stick"
Using negative reinforcement you may take away something that you normally constantly provide to your child. Never take away your love or affection. However taking away bonuses and special treats can act as a negative reinforcer. If your child is old enough to watch TV you may like to reduce the hours he or she is allowed to watch TV each time the undesired behaviour is carried out.
Using a positive reinforcement you may like to do something special for your child like take him or her out to ice cream when your child fulfils the behaviour a certain number of times. Behaviourists note that a behaviour has to be completed at least a dozen or more times over the course of 3 weeks to become consistent behaviour, and not a "once-off" deal. So keep at it and build progressive, and bigger, rewards as positive reinforcement.
You might even like to use positive and negative reinforcements in tandem regarding the same behaviour.
Reinforcement doesn't work with everyone
Growing up, no amount of negative reinforcement worked on me. Even now, when people threaten me or try to intimidate me into backing down it just doesn't work. On the other hand positive reinforcement works well with me. Treat me nicely and I'll probably do what you ask. Children, and adults alike, respond to different behavioural cues.
Some children respond more to the fear of a negative result while others respond to the promise of a reward or gift.
Children who are too young or just don't respond to this system at all may benefit from other forms of behavioural change. Give your child more emotional attention. You might also like to focus on how the problem behaviour affects you rather than the child.
One afternoon a woman walked into a therapist's office and said "every time I go shopping my son lies on the floor and starts throwing his arms around, screaming. How can I make him stop?" The therapist replied that next time her son was about to drop down to the floor and start screaming she should lie down first and act exactly the same way. The following week she tried this and when her son saw her do this he was so shocked to see how it must look when he behaves that way and he never did it again.
The quickest response is to spank your child so he or she stops misbehaving. Instead of doing this stop for a moment. Breathe. Think. There are more effective and more mature ways of communicating and listening to your child. Good luck.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Interesting article.
Our child (Emily) is 3. She is for the most part well behaved. We find it easy to talk to her, she seems to understand things like an adult, better than some adults!
The problem is bedtime. She has her own bed "big girls bed." When it comes to bedtime, the ritual is "read a book, tell a story, then lights out." But when it comes to lights out, she begins to cry. Lately it's been unbareable. She cries louder and louder until she eventually thows up.
We tried talking to her, asking what is wrong, with questions like does something hurt, are you sad, are you thirsty...etc. Sometimes she responds but most of the time she just keeps crying. You can't move her, she is stiff! She won't look at you, or anything. The only thing that solves it is to put her in our bed. She then stops immediately.
We tried using "time-out" in a chair in the hallway. She doesn't like time-out, but now lately if we threaten time-out, she prefers that over sleeping in her bed. She might even say, I want to go to time-out!
Not sure what to do.
Hi rvsource
I've encountered a website called 'Talking To Toddlers' which seems to provide a lot of useful information and techniques for talking to children that are age 2-6. You might find their website useful - http://cli.gs/h5rHYt
Thanks Alexd
But that link wont come up?
It looks like their website is just temporarily down, it was working a few hours ago. I'd click on it again in a few hours, the site might be back up by then.
alexd181, I find your hub your argument very strong and compelling As a matter of fact, I am in the process of writing a hub on simialr topic of spanking and I hope you don't mind that I've quoted your hub.
Thanks for such brilliant insight.
No worries DynamicS. I'm looking forward to reading your hub.
I found some of the ideas useful. I do not think spanking should be a 1st or even 2nd resort. But I don't rule itout either. we do 1st offesne- talking ( I'm pretty patient I think)
2nd offesnse (The same behavior)- Counting 1-2-3! 3rdoffense- Time away from everyone or spanking depending on the extent of the behavior. Works well for us because we have multipl children and they have distinctly different personalities. lol
Sounds like a responsible approach Lynn.
I like your approach and your insight. There are times, with my own children (I have an emotional-extreme child) that reinforcement doesn't work - but ya know what, neither does spanking. What tends to work is creating changes in his situation - enough to derail the overflow of emotions. I am about to put up a hub about it actually.
Unfortunately though - kids are not going to be trained or manipulated all the time - they will choose to do something, even if it does not give them a positive result, regardless of the consequences. We are humans and will just be difficult at times.
Ok - I am a bit ADD tonight - sorry this comment is all over the place. My boys are asking for some attention, so I gotta get off my butt and parent =)
Sometimes metaphor is better than a direct approach, especially when all direct approaches seem to fail.
Positively geared metaphors are best though, rather than telling a child a big bad wolf is going to come and eat them up if they lie, tell a metaphor that highlights the virtue of truth-telling instead.
http://www.apuritansmind.com/ChristianWalk/McMahon
"All children need to become obedient to their parents, and the God-ordained means to enforce instruction is the rod. If you do not correct your child now with chastening, with the rod, you are setting your heart on their destruction. In other words, you are setting them on a course for destruction. Dr. Phil will tell you that your child needs a timeout. God tells you to correct him with the rod. Who is right? God does not tell you to have them stand in the corner like you used to see on Little House on the Prairie episodes. Willie Olsen was a real troublemaker: a brat. Mrs. Olsen never disciplined him and just appeased him. Mr. Olsen sometimes had his way and spanked him, but because it was not enacted constantly, Willie grew up to be a beast, and so did Nellie if you remember. The Bible does not tell Willie to stand in the corner. The Bible says that he should be punished with the rod. Those who try to "time out" their children are simply enraging them, and allowing them to fester in the corner. You are giving them time to think about how they can dupe you the next time; they are planning your next demise. Your thoughts should be, I am going to correct the child in a way that he will never disobey me again. This is not brutality. Brutality would be a heinous sin on the parent's side. Rather, it does mean that their bottom is so red, that they have a hard time sitting back down when you are done. If the child is too young for that, then give them a good smack with a tense rubber band on their arm or their thigh. They will remember it! Be advised - these are God's words and His instruction of you regardless of what anyone else thinks or does."
The above quote is from an article that lacks sound reasoning and references to relevant studies.
I reommend this as a reading for those coming from a religious perspetive:
http://religioustolerance.org/spankin13.htm
See Interpretation 2
I also recommend ordering a copy of "A Course In Miracles" in which the phrase "rod of 'correction'" is de-mystified.
It isn't so much a "religious perspective" as it is obeying God's commandments in the Bible. The Bible is the only true source of life and wisdom that humans have for truth. I would recommend reading the Bible and doing what God convicts you to do when it comes to disciplining your children. Religious tolerance sounds hokey. There is only one true "religion" and that is Jesus Christ.
Anyone who has studied Theology at a higher level will tell you that there's 2 ways of looking at the bible. 1. Taking it to the letter (actually going out and trying to eat Jesus' flesh and drink his blood etc.) and 2. Symbolic, interpreting the meaning behind the literal concepts.
Having read the Bible I find it hard to believe that anyone could take every single part of it literally.
By punishing your children physically, you're not doing what God wants you to do, you're interpreting the Bible to suit what you want to do already.
I think this is as great hub. I have never spanked my kids and never needed too although before taking the time to learn about the negative consequences I was sure I was going to. After all, I was spanked and I'm okay, right? Well... I would like my kids to be better than "okay." Cheers.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing a good hub about patient and gentle ways to train children.
Princessa says:
6 months ago
Thanks for the quick and interesting response. Thumbs up and twitted :)