Physical Punishment - The Yes & No's of It!

Preface:  Even though I am 

not for hard spanking, I do 

not classify short swats 

designed to stop a dangerous 

behavior and get the 

child's attention as 

spanking.  

Certainly, parents need 

to be able to make these 

decisions themselves, 

in my view.  The government, 

where no abuse is evident, 

needs to keep their noise 

out of our homes.  

We already have laws on the 

book that deal with

child abuse.

Introduction: To spank or not to spank. At some point, all parents face that dilemma. Maybe you have thought:

"I was spanked, and I turned out pretty good."  During almost 

every parenting class I ever conducted, someone would make 

that statement.  Most of the time, that person was over 50 

in age.  Those of us who grew up during the 1950's and 

1960's had the luxury of growing up in strong neighborhoods. 

What you heard from your parents, you heard from your preacher,

your neighbor and your teacher.  Families seemed to be on 

the same page on most serious issues, and communities helped 

raise your children by sharing many of your values. 

What a different world we have today.  Violence is 

widespread.  We see it on TV, video games, movies, 

and hear it in our music.  It's common and sometimes kids 

see and hear so much of it, reactions to it are minimal.  We 

see outrage over small issues, possessions, likes and 

dislikes, and are not shocked much regarding the violent 

behavior of people and countries.  

Decisions, Decisions

The decision to spank or not to spank is a personal one.  

I think a spanking that comes from loving parents given to 

children who are basically loved and protected can be 

effective.  Still, at best it's a temporary fix for a wrong 

behavior.  I'm not sure it teaches much.  Make your decision, 

but for this discussion, let's take a look at some points I've 

run across in my parenting years.

Experience - Wisdom

After parenting 3 kids of my own and more than 250 children 

in my home through the foster care system, I have come to 

the conclusion that not much good comes from spanking, 

and a lot of harm is at risk. 

Here's how I got there:

What Is Spanking?

First, for this discussion, let's define spanking as repeated 

strikes to the buttocks area of a child by an adult.  I do not 

define a swift swat to get a child's attention for the purpose 

of saving them from a greater immediate danger as "spanking."  

Volumes have been written on the subject, cities and schools 

attempt to govern it, and for the most part I say keep the 

government out of parenting, except in cases of abuse.  

(But, we'll get to that subject later.) 

For the child who responds well to correction, a mild, 

swift swat works to get their attention.  But, for that same 

child, they would respond just as well to a verbal reprimand, 

explanations of rules, and loss of privileges or sometimes 

just affection.  Most often, the child you are inclined to spank 

is in need of more loving attention instead.  

I have countless examples in my own parenting experiences 

where children who received a hug when they appeared to 

least deserve it changed their behavior almost immediately 

from bad to good.  Most of the time, if you'll admit it...spanking

is more about the parent than the kid's misbehavior. 

Here's the "good" of it:

• It can stop the behavior for the moment.
• It makes the parent feel like they've done something.
• It gets rid of the parent's adrenalin rush from anger.
• It demonstrates authority.

11 reasons Not to Spank:

• It shows you can hit and they can't. (You can never get away or explain away this one fact. You hit them, they hit others, it just works out that way.)
• It is at best a quick and temporary, solution.
• It can quickly turn to abuse and physical harm as the child resists.
• It teaches nothing about the reason not to do something.
• It has psychological reprocussions.
• If used repeatedly it can do emotional harm.
• It can make the parent seem like the enemy.
• It can appear to be about power.
• It makes everyone involved feel bad and guilty. (Or it should.)
• It builds resentment.
• It leads to a succession of more severe hits with repeated use. (Three hard hits intead of two, etc.)

Correcting Children

Correcting children, in the home or in public, isn't easy.  

It takes time, creativity and planning.  We are inclined to 

trip over our emotions, forgetting that our first 

responsibility in raising children is to:

1.     Do no harm.

2.     Think ahead.  

These two basic parenting rules can carry the family 

safely through many challenging situations.  We can 

handle our children's mistakes positively, if we are 

prepared. 

Do No Harm 

The secret to "do no harm" and "think ahead" is to develop 

the habit of pausing when something happens that needs to be 

corrected.  Visualize and predict your child's reaction.  

Think "If I do this, they'll feel or do this."  Remember, 

the definition of discipline is to teach and should not to 

be confused with punishment, which is an entirely different 

approach. 

Think Ahead by Thinking "Back"

Today, I'm paying tribute to good parents, everywhere!  

I was reminded of my parents a few days ago, as I observed 

a young boy in a restaurant, eating breakfast with his 

parents.  What happened to him, had happened to me, but my 

parents' reaction was completely opposite of how this dad 

responded.  The 8 or 9 year old was evidently a little bored 

with all the adult conversation and had begun to fidget.  

As he reached for his glass of milk, he accidentally knocked 

it over and of course it went all over the table, a few 

drops landing onto his dad's lap.  His dad jumped back, 

muttered loudly and snapped his head towards his son, 

glaring at him as the child hunkered down in the seat.  

The dad made several exaggerated movements, slinging the 

milk off his hands and muttering.  He lifted his plate up, 

threw his napkin down, and generally called attention to 

himself and the accident.  Dad continued to slam things down 

as mom jumped up to wipe up the mess.   

Correcting Children's Mistakes 

When you are correcting children's mistakes, think about 

the outcome.  What do you want to happen?  Did what we do 

help?  Did our reaction teach?  Was the behavior stopped 

temporarily?  (That's ok if danger is involved, but teaching 

is the real goal.) For instance, as the dad showed his anger,

at first the young boy seemed embarrassed and ashamed.  

He hadn't set out to do anything wrong. Then, as his dad 

continued to sling things around, "I don't care" appeared 

across the boy's face and defiance settled in.  He was in 

defense mode and Dad was on the warpath.  Throughout the 

meal, the dad glared at his son, the son looked around the 

room.  The dad ignored him with his posture and attitude.  

The son ignored the dad.  This seemed to be a familiar 

pattern in the family and I can understand how it happens. 

Use Humor to Teach Coping Skills 

Humor can change the moment and teach coping skills, but 

often parents are tense and stressed and forget how to laugh 

at small things.  I identified with both the parent and the 

child.  A parent can become frustrated dealing with children's

mistakes, time after time.  

The spilt milk brought back vivid memories of my own 

experience. As a child, knocking over my glass at the table 

was so common, that when I came to the table, my family members

automatically moved over a few inches, stiffening slightly.  

Everyone was braced for jumping as they kept one eye on my 

glass.  

Try as I might, the glass always went flying across 

the table.  Learning quickly, my parents adapted to the 

situation by giving me a half-filled plastic container.   

Yet, the best thing they did was keep their reaction casual 

and their tempers hidden.  In fact, my dad would often put 

his hand to his chest in mock humor, saying something like 

"Whew!  That's a relief!  It's over now and we can all relax."

We'd mop up the mess, napkins always nearby, and smiles 

continued throughout the meal.   I don't remember feeling 

like a failure, or an outcast. 

Misbehavior Or Age & Stage?

I was always embarrassed at my clumsiness, but mom and dad 

seemed to know that and offered an encouraging word.  

One day, my brother was asked to give the blessing for the 

meal, and he quickly finished the prayer with "and please 

don't let my sister spill her milk."  But, of course I did, 

with my dad quipping "Well, sometimes God says no." 

Here's the point: some of what kids do is related to age 

and stage, not misbehavior or disobedience.  If we want to 

build self confidence in our children, taking their 

awkwardness and impulsivity as a normal part of the day and 

their development is a huge piece of our parenting job. 

Watching this family react to the spilled milk, made me 

aware of how parents' repeated reaction to kids' behaviors 

over a long period of time forms their personalities and 

affects their level of self esteem.  

Resilient Kids

Of course, kids are resilient and can certainly turn out 

fine in spite of parenting mistakes.  I've always said that 

by the time parents know what they're doing, they're out of 

a job.  That's what makes us such great grandparents; we're 

much more tolerant, seeing mishaps as mere pieces of the day 

in the life of a family.  

Correcting children's mistakes can be done casually, even 

with the occasional sharp tone to get their attention.  

Setting things right does not have to leave our children 

with hurt feelings or embarrassment.  By thinking ahead, 

parenting in public can be done quietly, taking into 

consideration our child's self image, while teaching them 

how to behave.   

Kids' learn by example, observing what parents do, rather 

than what parents say.  As they watch us over-react to 

something that is displeasing us, you can bet their pouting 

and defiance will soon follow when something doesn't go 

their way.  

Of course, parents make mistakes and kids survive.  

If we keep the two basic rules of parenting in the front 

of our vision for our children, we'll do little or no harm, 

and our kids can become self-reliant adults, making the world

a little stronger, and so the cycle begins.  I encourage 

parents everywhere, "Think ahead!"

8 Steps to Correcting Without Spanking Children

Now that we are thinking ahead and committed to "do no harm,"

let's take a look at ways to correct children at home and in 

public. 

• Think Ahead - Take a moment to predict the outcome of correction by "thinking ahead." Example: My aunt tells me a story of how embarrassed she was when correcting her three year old niece one day while in church. The little girl had been squirming, getting wigglier by the minute. Finally, when a prayer was being lead at the microphone by the song leader, my aunt leaned over and lightly pinched the little girl on the leg, thinking she would finally be quiet. Instead, she yelped "oh shit!" bringing everyone in the chapel to laughter. The song leader broke right into song and people still talk about it these many years later.

Lesson learned: Predict behavior. If she had predicted the little one's reaction, she would have chosen a different method to get her attention.

• Do No Harm - By thinking ahead, we can next make a decision as to what action to take to stop the behavior. It's simple. Is what we're about to do going to help or hurt?
• Substitute - Replace the wrong behavior with a right one. Show them and explain in simple terms what you want. When we take something away, even if it's behavior that needs changing, it'll bounce right back in the "hole" unless we fill it with the new behavior we want.
• Get Their Attention Gently - Sugar attracts, so be sweet.
• Be persuasive - Tune in to WIIFM! The "What's In It For Me" approach applies here. All of us move towards pleasure and away from pain. Sometimes, the absence of pleasure is pain in itself. Think about what matters to your child, and let that be a part of your persuasion towards a new behavior. If we can see that it benefits us more by acting in different way, it's human nature to move in that direction.

Example: I had 2 kids under two, and they could be a real challenge in a store. So, on the way to the store, I would use language they could understand and repeatedly describe how we would act in the store and that the reward would be: 1) riding the coin horse on the way out. 2) Getting a slushy drink at the corner store, or 3) Choosing a dollar toy. (You get the idea...) Therefore -

• Bribery Works - Now, don't faint. I'm talking about showing our kids the benefits of acting properly. As adults, the natural "feel good" rush we get from doing well is enough. However, when teaching young children to act in a certain way, kids often needs the extra enticement of reward. Praise is good, but a physical reward, at least in the beginning is powerful.
• Be creative - Again, think ahead and have some tricks of the trade with you, gum, hard candy and quiet books during church; rehearsing the behavior you want before you leave the house; and just generally being descriptive as you plan the event; and deciding ahead of time what penalties will be for misbehavior.
• Example, Example, Example - Show them, repeatedly if they are toddlers, exactly how you want them to behave. Remember, kids under 5 years old are very concrete in their comprehension. They remember what they see, not so much what they hear. Come to think of it, I know a lot of teens and adults that are like that. Right?

Final note: If I had to pick any of the 8 that are most 

important, I'd choose "Thinking Ahead" and "Rehearsing."  

After raising over 250 foster kids in our home, those two 

steps saved me many times. See more about kids and family at 

www.partnershipinparenting.com

Planning and thinking ahead will bring you many happy mome

nts with your children in public places.  Have fun!