You know it's time to shop for a new bathing suit when you are planning your weekend to attend a friend's beach party and last years model just will not do. I pulled my suit out of the closet, jumped inside and heard the fibers snapping apart at the seams. Apparently, sun and salty air from last year was just too much for this boxer suit. I also tried on a black Speedo that I actually wore at a wild Palm Springs get-away two years' previously. Needless to say, since having lost 24 pounds, I looked like one of those wrestlers on the cable channel with the waistband up to my nipples. I quickly decided to hop on-line and check out what might be trendy in men's swimwear. I ran across several fashion websites that solely dedicate to swimwear for men. Three out of the five sites provided two choices, the traditional Speedo and the hot-tie board-shorts.

Trying on bathing suits at the local mall is not what I call exciting. I always get a bit paranoid when picking out several suits while other shoppers are in close proximity. I can hear their snickers and one liners. "Look, he's going for the grape smuggler!". " Oh God, why not just wear long pants and get it over with!". I ignore those comments as much as possible and head on into the dressing room for fitting.

Which swimwear trend did I decide to purchase? Here's what I discovered after trying on at least a dozen suits each. Speedo or board-shorts?

 I appropriately left my underwear on while trying on the bathing suits. I guess it makes me feel better protected in case of body lice or crabs, though in reality, nothing will stop those critters from digging in if your luck runs out.

Speedo suits have a way of making you feel fat. Even though you have a 32 inch waist, you will only fit in a 38 waist Speedo. I really don't find that appealing for sale purposes and offer the company to start producing swimwear using standard American sizing. I can try to accept, but again feel the paranoia rising.

After pulling the suit on, which barely covered the "manhood", I approached the mirror for a look. Okay, not exactly what I thought I would look like. The suit sat several inches below the waistband of my underwear. Pulling my underwear down a bit to see how it really looked, I noticed a few embarrassing issues. First of all, I did not have the "eight pack" abs which seemed the norm on the models on-line. My "two pack" abs was not impressive. Neither was half my butt hanging out over the back of the waistband, yet the suit did feel comfortable and snug.

The last observation was my body hair. Models on-line had the straight "treasure trail" from the belly button to you know where. Looking back in the mirror, I had a two-lane highway that ended in a crop of trees. All the shaving and waxing necessary to get a "treasure trail" would break the bank.

So, I moved onto the board-shorts.

 I didn't realize Board-shorts ended below your knees, that half way point between the knee and ankle. Getting the shorts on was a bit of a struggle because they have a "pantie net" inside. So, after nearly falling on the dressing room floor while attempt to place one foot through the liner, then finding the other hole for the opposite leg, I got my first look in the mirror.

The length of the shorts made me look like a Hobbit. No. I take that back. Put a wart on my nose, a few dread locks, and I am good for the next Lord of the Rings episode. Somehow, losing sight of your legs under excess cloth makes one look like a dwarf.

Lastly, I have wide hips. If I were a woman, my hips would be considered perfect for "baby making". Wide hips and Board-shorts are not compatible no matter what the trend may be this year.

My decision was made while driving home.............

I'm going naked instead...............