JUDGMENT

The ability to assess people and situations is a necessary skill, in order to survive in the world. We have to decide who is reliable, whom we can trust, who is qualified to do a task, and so forth. But, aside from these practical assessments, there is a near constant stream of random and seemingly unnecessary judgment that goes on in our minds all day long.

There is a continual background commentary on the people we encounter during the day. "This one is pretty. He looks intelligent. She looks stupid. This one is ugly. This one doesn't know how to dress. That one looks unhealthy. This one is too fat. That one is too thin. That tattoo is hideous. That hair style is ridiculous."

This background commentary is not merely a stream of neutral observations, but carries an emotional charge. "Eeew, that one is ugly. Eeew, gross. Old people, ugh! Young people, ugh! Look, so pretty, oh wow! He looked at me – yuck! She looked at me – great!"

Attraction, revulsion, indifference – this channel is turned on all day, like a television or a radio playing in the background. We are constantly reacting to people and things around us, whether it serves any useful purpose or not.

And many of these reactions are obviously so subjective and so unreliable. Often our reactions to the same people can change from day to day, depending upon our mood and other unknown circumstances.

EGO REINFORCEMENT

Is there any purpose to all of this?

Random judgment and comparison does seem to serve at least one purpose. It continually reinforces and maintains our sense of being a particular and special self. Most of these random judgments are, at bottom, comparisons.

These comparisons may make us feel particular and special in a good way, or in a bad way. For example: "Oh, look at that old person, walking so slowly. How pathetic. I'm glad I'm not like that. I'm young and strong." This might be abbreviated into simply, "Old person – pathetic." Or merely a feeling of aversion.

And if there is aversion, at the bottom of it there is a fear -- "I could be like that. I don't want to be like that."

Or, the opposite example: "All these people are so much smarter and better looking than me. They all seem so at ease. I feel so awkward. I'm just a klutz. I'm not attractive or smart." And there can also be the unspoken thought, "I wish I was like them," or, "It's just not fair; I hate them" or, "It's all so hopeless; I might as well give up."

In all of these cases, I am looking at how I am different from someone else – either superior to them, or inferior to them. Or, I am thinking about how much I desire them, or how repulsed I am by them. In all of these scenarios, the underlying assumption is "I am separate from them. I am different. I am unique. I am apart." This self-conscious sense of separation, and all the emotions that go with it, are sometimes called "ego." The term "ego" is not a particularly good one, but it is one that is frequently used, so I'll use it hear for the sake of convenience.

MINDFULNESS

If you explain this phenomenon (of "ego") to people, they have one of the following reactions: (1.) "I don't do that. I don't have thoughts like that," or (2.) "Okay. So what? If I don't like certain types of people, what's the big deal? That's my privilege."

In my opinion, both of these response reflect a lack of mindfulness, a lack of awareness, a lack of opportunity to have observed one's mind.

Our culture is saturated with these thoughts. Look at any magazine cover in the supermarket. They play on our judgments, fears, and sense of separation: "Too fat? Try the new diet. Too disorganized? Here's a clutter solution. Relationship problems? Here's the sex trick that will drive your lover wild. Feeling bad about yourself? Well, crazy rich popstar Britangaris is having a meltdown, so let yourself feel superior to her!" Reality TV, talk radio, the evening news, political discourse, gossip – they are all full of this thinking. We have been breathing this in for decades. Do you really believe that similar thoughts don't run through your mind all the time?

If your answer is, "So what?" then again I would suggest contemplating the situation mindfully. Isn't our saturation with these thoughts at the bottom of so many ills – conflicts of all kinds, from terrible family arguments, to never-ending feuds, to major wars?

Now, once one does become aware of the extent to which these kind of thoughts represent a continual background chatter in our mind, the response that follows may be: " I will rid myself of these thoughts. I will rise above this. I will improve myself. I will purify myself. I will get rid of 'ego'."

So now we have three sets of responses:

1. Who me? I don't do that.
2. Yes, I do it, but so what?
3. I see it, and I will destroy it.

SPIRITUAL MATERIALISM

Seeing the suffering that is caused by fixating on judgmental thoughts and emotions of separation is a good thing. And the desire to be rid of this is a healthy and understandable impulse. But, that impulse can easily become waylaid into a desire to shore up one's sense of self again by becoming "better than," as in, "I will rid myself of judgment and then I won't be like all those people who are full of judgment." This creates a paradoxical situation where one is aspiring to be free of judgment, by distinguishing oneself from the inferior people who are full of judgment.

This aspiration is what one meditation teacher called "spiritual materialism" -- whereas before we wanted to distinguish ourselves by having better looks, nice clothes, or a better car, now we want to distinguish ourselves by being purer and being free of "ego." In one sense, this may seem better, but in another sense it may be just as destructive, and just as productive of insecurity and conflict.

So, what is the solution to that? To simply declare it is hopeless and to give up? To put our blinders back on and be happy with how things are?

GREAT COMPASSION

If there is a solution, the "solution" is Great Compassion. The "solution" is to see the actual situation, to feel the reality of the situation, and to stay awake to it, as we act within it. In other words, the "solution" is engaged mindfulness, which leads to clear-eyed compassion. This includes compassion toward ourselves.

When we observe judgmental thoughts and feelings arising, we can recognize that they produce suffering. We can also recognize that they are part of our human condition. And we can look at what is causing them to arise at this moment.

Generally, if lots of random judgmental thoughts and feelings are arising, there is some imbalance going on at that moment. Rather than fixating on the thoughts and believing in their reality ("Yes, that person in the line ahead of me really is ugly and disgusting, and if they could disappear right now my reality would be so very much better") we can take the thoughts as a warning signal that something else is going on in our life. We've temporarily lost our balance. Some underlying fixation is generating an irritable, impatient, insecure or unappreciative mood. If this continues unabated for a long time, it becomes what the medical community calls "depression."

Maybe we are tired, or stressed. Maybe we've been taking on too much or get things done too fast, or have failed to have an important and difficult conversation with someone. Maybe we've been neglecting exercise, or yoga, or meditation, or time alone.

We can start again, at any moment. As Pema Chodron's book says: "Start where you are." If we have wandered too far off course, we may need the help of a close friend, mentor, or therapist for guidance. But, to stay on course we have to get serious about remaining mindful, aware, and open-hearted, and the practice of everyday awareness meditation can really help with this.

Temporarily losing our balance is not a catastrophe. It is not a sign of failure. Like a surfer falling off our board, we need to simply let it go, jump on the board again, and catch the next wave. Just try not to get hit in the head by your own board!

With practice in mindfulness, we notice the thoughts, feelings, and reactions of self-generated suffering sooner. We recognize that a stream of random critical thoughts is a warning sign of unahppiness and will lead to more unhappiness. We don't condemn ourselves or fixate on the thoughts. We don't try to purify ourselves in order to make ourselves into superior persons. We recognize we are subject to the same weaknesses, thoughts, and feelings as everyone else. We don't take the thoughts too seriously. We look to see if they are signals of some imbalance in our life. We recommit ourselves to mindfulness and open-heartedness – not so that we can become a superior person – but in order to live in the world without perpetuating more unnecessary suffering for ourselves and others. This doesn't make us a better person than anyone else. We don't have to compare ourselves to anyone else. But when we do begin to compare ourselves – because we can't prevent such thoughts from arising – we just notice the thought and move on, not making a big deal about it – which is exactly what we train ourselves to do in meditation.

It seems impossible to avoid the impulse to constantly create an identity for ourselves as a somehow special and different. Rather than being threatened by that impulse. taking it as something deadly serious, and battling with it, we can focus more on what it is that is predates separation. Throughout our day there are moments when we feel heightened separateness and moments when do not. It is important to notice both of these moments, and to gradually come to appreciate the vast background against which momentary flickers of separation occur.

For more information about free meditation classes go to www.leominster-meditation.com to learn about free meditation classes. For individual coaching go to www.leominster-wellness.com. Also, check out www.subtle-energy-exchange.com