Spoon Control, gun rights fights
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The Founders' Second Amendment: Origins of the Right to Bear Arms
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The Second Amendment: The Intent and Its Interpretation by the States and the Supreme Court
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In Search of the Second Amendment
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The Second Amendment: Preserving the Inalienable Right of Individual Self-Protection
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Every American household has at least ten spoons! Oh yeeah....I have heard my opponents say,"Spoons don't kill people....Fat does!" To them I say,"Ha....Spoons deliver food to the mouth like dealers deliver drugs!" We have a National SPOON crisis and those damn spoon manufacturers are turning out thousands of killer spoons a day!
I call the Table Spoon...the AK-47 of eating utensils. It is twice as powerful as the 38 Special Tea Spoon! Now mind you...a tea spoon can kill but you have to shovel twice as much food in the mouth. The Sterling M-16 Fork is also a problem but for now...I am just taking on spoon enthusiasts. The NSA...(National Spoon Association) has powerful lobbyists and has warned me personally, I quote,"To back the fork off!"
I am in absolute favor of Spoon Control. The Four hundredth amendment does not in any way give rights to individuals to keep and bear SPOONS! Millions die each year because of spoons! One smart ass told me,"You don't need spoons to eat....you can just use your fingers." "HA...HA....HA..ha..ah...but you see...spoons make it easier to eat,"I shouted at that conservative, spoon loving pig!
Some States have even gone as far as to allow people to Open Carry Spoons! Gosh dern, are we regressing back to the OK Golden Coral days? Don't these people read the bible? Gluttony is a sin you know! (He that lives by the spoon...shall die by the spoon.)
What is a druggies cooking utensil? A SPOON! Spoons are evil and it is about time we stopped the madness of creating an overweight populous! Fat is the first part of FATal! I am trying to convince towns and cities to buy back spoons. Fifty dollars a spoon is a drop in the bucket compared to the health crimes that spoons cause.
I am so sick of hearing,"It's my right to bear spoons!" Who missed the part in the Four hundredth amendment...."A well rounded militia shall not be infringed upon." People...excuse me...of course the militia needs to be fat in order to stop bullets! Spoons belong in the military....not in the hands of the public!
Join me...fellow Americans and have a Tea Spoon Party this Fourth of July! Dump those evil little utensils in the water and declare freedom! We have to stamp out assalt spoons. Daily spoons full of salt throughout your life is deadly! We must stop the use of UMDs (Utensils of Mass Destruction)! Someday...oh someday...we shall beat our spoons into plow shears!
This is dedicated to my son Dustin who was told once by an obiese man,"I blame guns for killing people!" Dustin said back to him,"Do you blame spoons for being a fat ass?"
Head of the NSA
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Comments
Brilliant! Although what about the pronged fork - that is a scary weapon in itself. Ironically, the knife is the least dangerous. If people cut up their food instead of shoveling it down, they would be better off. Better yet, some slippery ivory chopsticks.
Thanks for the laugh!
Cindy
Dink.....Cream is simply cool! Thanks! I would pack a spoon to that event......LOL....Loved the comment!
cindy...thanks.....I'm going after all utensils....Finger fooders unite! :)
My daughter makes finger food out of soup! But she is the exception.
P.S. Can I still spoon my wife?
Paper Moon...thanks.....yip...LOL...you can! :)
Hilarious!
Thanks James....!!! :)
I knew you were gonna write a good one dad, but damn this really puts the cherry on top.Great hub! And absolutely hilarious
I'll never remember a 911 call that aired on the national news several years ago. An estranged stalker husband, against whom the wife had one of those useless orders of protection, barged into her home and shot her and their two young kids. To this day, I can hear -- as clearly as if I heard it only a minute ago -- the sound of that little girl's voice as she screamed: "Please, Daddy! Nooooo!" Then there was one last shot.
Funny stuff.
Meant to say I'll never forget. Wish I could say I'll never remember.
Deece...thanks...I did my best.
Mister G. Yes there are many tragic and horrific murders with the use of guns. Also children drowned in bathtubs....women strangled....beating to death...stabbings...etc. A murderer will murder with any tool and many times with just their own hands.
Disposable chopsticks, let's introduce those. It works in china!
Grins!....Thanks cindy.....those Chineese are on the ball! :)
very very funny Tom, and your son is quick too.
Thanks Hawkesdream...he learned from ol dad. :)
The spork shall rule!
My mom used to have a saying "I eat my peas with butter, I've done it all my life (something something something)..it may look kind of funny but it keeps them on my knife". Now I gotta call her for the rest.. So what is your position on butter knives now that you've exposed my Sterling M15 Fork for the utinsil it is.. well it was good in hard ice cream!!
Actually Candie V, the version of the peas poem is "I eat my peas with HONEY". It rhymes better with funny, it looks funnier (doesn't everybody eat their peas with butter?) and it would be better at keeping the peas on the knife and I don't think there's any more to the poem than that. As I read this I'm spooning great gobs of oatmeal into my gob and I could swear that spoon flinched when I gave it a poisonous glance. Maybe that's why the Chinese are typically slender: It's those damn sticks.
duh,,my mom is gonna be so mad I got it wrong.. (totally embarassed) how could I have gotten it wrong??
Very clever but we have had several incidents in Washington area recently where a family member has killed their entire family and then themselves. None of the people were criminals. If their spoon wasn't around those kids would be alive.
OMG Pete - this gives new credibility to the saying from the 80s "gag me with a spoon" I never knew it was the precursor to such carnage! This is becoming the stuff of "Poe" and "Hitchcock"!! To think the plot was unveiled here, on Tom's sight.. {{{shiver}}}
I have a slight problem.. what am I going to hang from my nose at my next "upscale" family meal? My spoon has always been the 'weapon of choice'.?
"Yes there are many tragic and horrific murders with the use of guns. Also children drowned in bathtubs....women strangled....beating to death...stabbings...etc. A murderer will murder with any tool and many times with just their own hands."
What a flimsy excuse for the insanity of rampant gun deaths in the open-air lunatic asylum that is the United States of America, a country where countless millions can't distinguish between reality and screenwriters' fantasies.
How many children are drowned in bathtubs every day, how many Americans are strangled daily, and how many are beaten or stabbed to death daily?
"In 2004, the most recent year for which figures are available, an average of about 81 people died every day from gunfire in the United States." - The New York Times, April 2007.
According to the FBI, "An estimated 16,137 persons were murdered nationwide" in 2004 -- that includes all murders, including drownings, beatings, stranglings and stabbings.
In 2005, 40% of the 30,694 gun deaths in the USA were homicides.
Do the math: the vast majority of murders in America are committed with guns.
There were 42 gun-related deaths in Great Britain in 2008.
We should have gun control FOR GOVERNMENTS!Citizens with NO SECOND AMMENDMENT should disarm their governments.
TURKEY KILLED 1.5 million CITIZENS.
SOVIET UNION KILLED 20 million CITIZENS.
NAZI (National SOCIALIST) KILLED 20 million CITIZENS.
CHINA (Nationalist) KILLED 10 million CITIZENS.
CHINA (Communist) KILLED 35 million CITIZENS.
GUATEMALA KILLED 200,000 CITIZENS.
UGANDA KILLED 300,000 CITIZENS.
CAMBODIA KILLED 2 million CITIZENS.
RWANDA KILLED 1 MILLION CITIZENS.
Google: "DEATH by GUN CONTROL"
Well, This has changed direction considerably.. Tom, you are the most creative guy when it comes to table ware.. my hat is off to you!
Mister G. What method would you choose for a person to protect their family? Do you wish to eliminate guns from the U.S. except for police and military?
When police can get to my house faster than a bullet can get to my family, I will dump my gun. When gun owner haters pay for 24 hour security....I will dump my gun. I don't believe that is a flimsy request.
Thanks...cindy...Ivorwen...Candie...Hot Dorkage and Pete for commenting. :)
I wouldn't trust the New York Times as far as I could throw it. And I could throw it about as far as to the fireplace.
Besides, since when did criminals obey laws? Statistics or no statistics, if you want to kill someone, you'll find a way. Zap all guns out of existence, and the angry kitchen helper who gets picked on daily drops an extra ingredient into the soup that kills several hundred kids, whereas a gun can kill about as much as the ammo in it, and that's saying if you can hit with every bullet and land a fatal shot. A few drops of over-the-counter chemicals from CVS could put an entire school into the hospital.
Plus, there are many other constructive weapons someone could come up with, including the infamous molotov cocktail, and that's just one of many possibilities. And that redneck in the corner that everyone despises for carrying a gun around sees the guy with the cocktail walking in the door heading for a group of people, and shoots the man in the head. Who is the victim? The would-be murderer.
There are infinite ways to kill mass amounts of people, and guns have ammunition. Guns keep killers from having to use more... dangerous things. Even if they magically poofed, we'd still be in a rut, and we still wouldn't be safe.
We will NEVER be safe. Unless, of course, we're armed against the sneaky fellow coming in our house with diabolical intentions. You can use the phone and pray there's a policeman on your block to get to you in less than a minute, or you can simply shoot the fiend and not get bound up to watch your family die.
You can shout and argue until you pass out for a few minutes due to lack of oxygen, but the fact remains: Law-abiding citizens obey laws.... criminals do not. The only thing Gun control laws would do, would strip law-abiding men and women of useful defenses, and the criminals snicker as they walk into houses and pillage and plunder with no defiance. Criminals laugh, the Government gets stronger, and everyone else frantically locks their doors and windows at night, knowing that they are defenseless against the predators of the night.
It's like banning stakes and crucifixes and a city infested with vampires.
By the way, nice hub Dad.
Hey Tom, I'm a 2nd amendment girl.. not tossing mine!! Also for home/self protection I have taken my advise and put a can of Lima Beans by my bed! HA! I totally rock!
Me too Candie...I simply asked an impossible question to answer.
LOL....Lima Beans....I have to try that! :)
Thanks Dr. Larkin......perfect! :)
We call always get back to eating with our hands. Nice analogy and great writing! Thanks for keeping that critical eye always open! LYM! :D
Grins Cris......LYM! Pink Apple Doughnuts....yeah...genius!
I said they're for pie making. Doughnuts leave nothing to the imagination! *wink*
Soory....pie it is....shit...oh yeah PIE! LYM!
Absof**kinglutely! LYMost! (ha! can't top that!) :D
LY Moster! :)
Darn! We'll duel again later! LOL
Btw, somebody "special" had walked the periphery of HP. Your conqueror (or conqueress) has come! :D
brilliant way to flip the story upside down. I have nothing against spoons, but using the soup ladle to eat some ice cream is a bit much. The pecan praline ain't that good.
Cris....yip...she finally joined...I'm a good agrivator! :)
Thanks GT......hell....I just shove my face in the box...who needs that spoon shit! :)
Tom, Love your humor couldn't stop chuckling. Sarcasm is a great two edged spoon really drive home the absurdity of the grabbers logic. The hot debate is excellent for your hub maybe they should be spoon fed. Here's a powerful video that you may find useful. http://tinyurl.com/dm3pr5
I guess 'sporks' are not part of the discussion :/
Enjoyed reading every line. I definitely needed the laugh.
I sadly only have two spoons I have lost the rest. Could you lend me one please? Cool Hub Tom woo hooo.
Larry...Loved the video....Thanks!
Am I dead yet.....sporks are just the spoon mfg's way of sneaking utensils under our noses! Thanks.... :)
Blondepoet.....Grins....yip....but you might spoon your eye out kid! :)
Very funny!
Hey, wheres those Spoon Heads who would take this to congress and deliberate Spoon Control? Arent they backing you on this?
If not, you should start a bill to aide Spoon Control. It might get to the Spoon House and end up at the table!
I vote Spoon Control,too!
Thanks Gray! :)
newsworthy.....LOL....congress is definately a spoon house! I like the term,"Spoon Heads"! Thanks! :)
Awesome Hub! Now what about the forks?
Thanks eryn.....I'm on it! :)
Thank you for exposing this as the crisis it is, Tom.
I thought I was being really smart. I bought a set of IKEA silverware and the teaspoons are really teeny. But my Hubby refuses to use a metal spoon. He only will eat from white plastic spoons. He continues to bring home boxes and boxes of them.
I'm beginning to worry about his motives. Our home is beginning to feel like Waco. Do you think writing to my Congresswoman would help? Thanks, MM
LOL Mighty Mom....He might be involved with the the new fad,"Spoon Worship"...you know...the Spoonies! Reverend Sun Yung Spoon....don't write congress.....12 Senators showed up at his coronation proclaiing that he is the Messiah.
I really enjoyed this hub,I'd read it before signing up on Hubpages.I read this article from the Telegraph shortly after:
LOL MindlessBrute...that was funny....ID to buy a spoon...now I feel better about my hub...thanks soooo much! :)
Tom
The ability to look at a common item in an uncommon way is the seed and the fruit of creativity and humor. Applause to you.
Than you Bill.....very kind of you to say. :)
Have my congressmen on speed dial. Will attend to this Spoon Control ASAP.
Now there will be a run on chopsticks. Better invest soon!
Of course there will be less oxygen for the planet as more trees will be decimated to create more chopsticks.
You are quite the troublemaker! LOL
Good Hub
Thanks...sujon john. :)
is it true that they have the power to bug spoons, almost like an internet cookie, making the NSA able to keep tabs on habits, helping to enforce against those people trying to pull off a heaped teaspoon as merely a level one?
i thought i was in control of my spoon, i never thought twice about the power i wielded before now.
CD
Yes...your spoon is techyfied....Big Brother is on to the Spooners!
Haha, very amusing.
Seymour....thanks much! :)
Dink96 says:
8 months ago
LMFAO, Tom!!! The NRA is coming to my city later this month. Should I take some SPOONS to the convention center??? You need a picture of Charleston Heston holding a spoon saying "From my cold dead hands!!" (What's that you say? He IS???? Oh, never mind....) THIS IS PRICELESS!
Try to overlook the irritating beginning of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XgF4wv0WpM