My sister and I went to get ourselves a Mystic Tan last Saturday. If you're like me, you know that when you are in a public place and you have to strip down naked there is a tiny voice in your head saying that someone might see you. They might walk in accidentally, or walk by and see through the crack in the curtain. Maybe some sexy dude named Sergio is going to come in to film himself changing the light bulb and wants to help you rub on some lotion? Maybe it's just some weirdo peeking in via their trusty perv-o-rama voyeur cam. Whatever the reason, you must always try to be as sexy as possible because someone might see you. Admit it ladies - we all do it.

When it comes to getting naked for the Mystic Tan though, trying to be sexy is a complete waste. Save for puking, poop issues, giving birth, or drunken mascara smeared sobbing, this is the most unsexy moment of your life.

First, strip down, put on a shower cap, and rub barrier lotion on your dry spots like your hands, knees, elbows, ankles, feet. NOT on the bottom of your feet though... you think you probably should, and do it anyway. Nose plugs and goggles are recommended.

Next you walk to the tanning booth and learn why you should have followed those lotionizing instructions. The floor is super slick and you can't walk because of all of the fucking barrier lotion on the bottoms of your feet. You manage to make it to the booth without a head injury via some weird, short-stepped, slow motion, slip sliding, ski action. At least no one will see you knocked out naked wearing a shower cap, goggles and nose plugs! At least not here...

Step inside the booth, close the door and position yourself. To insure full coverage, you must maintain the proper position. This is very important.

* Stand with your knees shoulder width apart.

*Bend your knees slightly.

*Stick your butt way out... way out

* Position your hands so that the palms are facing your stomach, and they are a few inches away from your stomach.

*Make jazz hands and then gnarl your fingers up, like you've got the arthritis. (This is so that the wrinkles in your knuckles will tan)

*Elbows up and out.

*Hold your breath and close your eyes (because who the hell wears nose plugs and goggles?)

READY? Now you're getting sprayed by very cold, very loud tanning jets. But don't gasp!!! You'll tan your lungs!

While it's spraying, robotically and ever so slightly turn your body to the left, to the right to make sure that the side of your torso and legs are sprayed too.

*Try not to pass out, you're still holding your breath.

Now you have 10 seconds to turn around and assume the position again... Since it's rather difficult, you just maintain it and rotate around looking like a constipated monkey.

READY? Good... because now you're getting sprayed right up the ass. Awesome...

It's over... Make sure to dance in the mist and flail your arms about so that no mist molecule goes unused!

It takes 4 hours for your tan to appear. Long enough for you to be far, far away when/if you turn orange. Also - it is not recommended that you go to the beach because your tan will wash off with salt water or alcohol. Knowing me, over the next few days I'll go out, get drunk, and spill vodka down my chest and my boobs will look like they have that Michael Jackson/ Dairy Cow skin disease. Bad to the Ass. Actually I'm doing that now so that I can get in character while I practice my moonwalk.