Spring Time In The Park
71
Spring Is Official
It is nearly Spring and you know what that means??!! Love…A love that the chains of winter can no longer bind. Loins begin to burn with desire, the pangs build to a crescendo and inhibitions give way to pure, heated lust, the lust for garage sales…Shameless pricing of junk, bartering, and haggling; only the strong survive! Toothless ingrates from all over the park shed their dignity…well; they shed their winter flannel, replace it with wife beater tank tops and cut off shorts, blow the dust off the flip flops and move the furniture to the porches.
We don’t have ground hog day here in the park. Uncle Mike comes out in his underwear to feed his horse, Mable in mid march. If Mike doesn’t pass out from hypothermia and alcohol poisoning in a snow drift, spring has officially arrived! Yesterday, Mike made it back to his stoop with great success! Let the sales begin! All around the park garage doors are opened for the first time since the previous September. Last years junk has become this year’s beer money.
As usual, momma was in jail at this crucial time of year for
all of us trailer park entramanures. As you recall she was arrested a few nights
back and I was left with a hefty bar tab and talking to Pac-Man. I went to walk momma home from the jail
house today with butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I could not wait! Garage sale season always does that to me and
even momma. I signed for her belongings
while the guards retrieved her from the bowels of lock up, one keychain of
brass testicles and four broken keys,
one twenty dollar bill ripped in half and taped back together of which
the second half was a two dollar bill with a zero written to pass as a full
twenty. One 12 ounce bottle of ”Forest
Mist” perfume that smells more like forest floor. One full can of Skoal that contained six
pieces of chewed gum. Momma never wastes
a thing. Finally, three tampons still in
the packages and one slightly used maxi pad stuffed back into it’s package.
Momma was a sight for sore eyes and if your eyes weren’t already sore they would be after one look at momma. The roots of her hair were gray while the rest of her hair was its natural, flowing, beautiful orange. Momma had one black eye and a swollen lip from teaching one of the younger females “a thing or two about respect”. She smelled of hot garbage on a still summer day. Even momma commented on her stench as she was released to me, “Damn I need my perfume! Where’s my gum?” As she was chewing away on her stale economy gum she asked about Mike. “Did that lazy fencepost finally make it out to feed his mule?” I told momma the good news and she immediately went to planning a strategy of sales and marketing. “Put all of your crap that is in the house, outside of the house for sale”
Obviously momma knows my sense of style and taste and that is why my “stuff” goes out before anything else. I have several stylish items that I pray will never sell. I have managed to hold onto these things for a few years now. Good thing my taste transcends would be buyers from around the park, they would not know chic if it bit them on their muffin top!
Pelt and Tails For Sale
I have a leather wall
hanging that I am asking twenty five dollars for. It is great for covering those fist holes in the frail walls of the trailers
that populate our park. The dead smell
is barely noticeable and the purple dye has set by now. It is a calf skin that I cut from an
unfortunate road kill two summers ago, at least I think it was a calf. It may have been a St. Bernard. I have put a lot of work into it and that is
why I am asking such a premium.
My collection of squirrel tails are a must have for any mud bogging fool. No antennae should ever be without at least fourteen or twenty of these bad boys fluttering in the wind. A display of squirrel tails really does raise your stature amongst mud boggers and the womans definitely get hot and bothered by this manly display. I have twenty six tails on my mud boggin’ garden tractor’s antennae. For sale are bundles of ten for twenty dollars. That is a fair price for a dozen of these little aphrodisiacs! Better hurry as I only have thirty bundles. I will even cut you a deal, buy one bundle for twenty and get the next one for nineteen and ninety five cents! I want you too also mud bog in style and with pizzazz. Please don’t ask how I get the tails. No squirrel gave his or her life. Let’s just say you can hand feed trailer park squirrels and there are a lot of “bob squirrels” in my neck of the woods.
Moving On!
In my possesion, one optical cable spool. This puppy measures three feet to the center then three more to the opposite side. The cable company came through last summer and lost this treasure and now it can be yours for sixty five dollars even. I quickly painted it with some left over paint momma got me for Christmas. I guess black paint is also called lead based. So now you can own this lead laden spool that doubles as a coffee table, dinner table, card table or simply a conversation piece. Like, “Hey Pest, did those idiots from the cable company talk to you yet?” This little ditty won’t last for very long so hurry on over. I will even throw in the left over lead colored paint to touch up some of the chipping that has occurred. Imagine your toddler taking his or her first steps from your very own lead based coffee table!
Soon To Be Collector Items
I have many more fabulous items such as an antique VCR which is sure to be on every collectors list of must haves. Twenty dollars and it is yours. The library of antique vhs movies go for five bucks a piece. Also four antique cassette decks all retro fitted to a Vega dash, fifteen each…Antique cassette tapes, vintage walkmans, Ataris, black and white TVs, Apple II and IIe computers and many, many more collector items. No offer over fifteen dollars will be turned away!
Cacti for Sale
Finally, momma wants me to mention her starter plants. She calls them the stickiest of the sticky. So be sure to pick up a flat of momma’s cacti plants. She is asking one hundred fifty per flat. I never knew these sticky plants were worth so much! Momma says no credit and no free loaders. Toad still hasn’t paid for his last seeds…whatever that means.
_____________© 2009 Richard L. Thorp Jr._________________
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Comments
LOFL! LOFL! Shit! LOFL!
Toad you will be moving into the park soon...
Tom...milk is coming out of your nose.
You had no right to take my kids spool for your living room and you have no right to sell it without givin' me a cut, no wonder my kids have been playing in the house.
Excellent, truly a great follow up to your Pac Man article. Pity the poor 'bob tailed' squirrels though :)
LOFL! Dammit here I go again! Thank you so much! I really needed a big laugh! LOFL!
Toad, i also used your name without permission.
Misty, thanks, you wanna come over and watch vcr movies on my couch with me??
You are welcome tom
Yet another goodun. And there's 2 kinds I like best....big old gooduns and good old bigguns.
It looks like the recession hasn't affected uncle mike's food intake either.
Only if they are really kinky, dirty, groin grinding movies, otherwise, not interested :)
thanks Keys.
Toad, Mike had four horses at the beginning of the winter.
Misty! I am shocked. I dont have those kinds of movies...I get those for free on the interwebz! Come on over!! Wooo!
On my way, but give me a few days to organise flights etc :)
I gotta ditch momma somewhere! leave your hubby behind, that may complicate things!! LOL!
I am really glad you clarified which was Uncle Mike and which was Mabel. I was a bit confused at first look. And wow, those girls look just like the ones parading around in my neighborhood Walmart. They sure do get around.
good point asbender, those exposed mushroom top hips are sexy
No worries, will tell him I've gone looking for our cats again. They are always going missing. Might have to bring one of them with me though, just so my story seems authentic! No good going looking for the missing cats if all 3 of them are at home!!! He might smell a rat!
asbender...Mike is a bit portly..those chics are hotties from around the way..
Toad...i would hit the blonde chick in a heartbeat
Misty, you didnt read the above statement...My cat will get along with yours just fine...I will scrape off a place for you on the couch.
Time for sleep now as I have a long journey ahead of me. Catch up tomorrow :)
Dose unkle Mike's horse have teeth?
I just fell off my chair....almost literally
Tom...why do you think THAT horse is the last one if five horses??? Mable keeps Mike out of the kiddie pool.
uh, what's the caution tape for in the pic with uncle mike?
I was thinking about that just now...you drop acid tonight too? I am seeing clearly now! Meth lab remnants.
yes, that's what I figured, its good to know you're uncle and mabel are tough enough not have to wear hazmat suits
No way I'm getting sucked in again. I bought one of those "calf" skins last year. The dye ran out before I even got it home. The real color was black, and it had a very wide white stripe. Pest tried to tell me it was a high performance calf, and that was a Shelby racing stripe!
what a con man! I knew it!
B.T. you weren't suppose to use it as a car seat cover, you incontinent ass!
Loving it! LOL! I have been laughing for two day straight. Uncle Mike looks a little too familiar with Mable.
Tootles!!
When I sat on him, he seemed to have a compression problem. Either way, I know skunk when I see one! I wasn't gonna mention this, but you pushed my jackass button; when I go mud bogging, I fly coon tails on my antenna!
Hey Pest, Your unkle Mike kinda looks like Elvis and he's about to pop on a doughnut for the horse.
Nayberry. thanks for reading and keep coming back.
BT...i cant hand feed raccoons they are too smart!
Tom, Mable comes into the house with Mike every evening... :O
Does he use horseplay before sex?
Tom, i have never been to mik's after hours...or at anytime for that matter. Mike calls his house the OK Corral.
Uncle Mike is kind of cute. Send me his number. Don't delay!
LOL! I don't blame you! :)
I knew it, toady's a swindler! and of the seediest kind!
Pest, I don't know How I'll survive a rut without your sicko hubs! I enjoyed this more than I did the threads in the Religion forum or seeing your comments getting unapproved! Btw, what's Mike feeding Mable?
Okay, nuff for the mandatory nicey nice crap. I'll be back with the critique later. Prepare to pee in your thong later :D
Chris, I asked the same question. I think it is a carrot and when the horse goes for the carrot, the switch is made!
shamiraash..i do not think you want his number...The only number Mike has is a prison number!
Cris, Mike says he feeds Mable a steady diet of fumunda cheese.
Dammit Pest! I just swallowed my supper three times! Shit, fumunda cheese!
I am buying a box of adult diapers and a choker chain before I read your next hub. I think I lost a pound of man boob fat and a pound of abb fat from laughing. Thanks Pest! :)
I am about to call it a night...so if i aint here i have passed owt!
Are those the kind of cacti I think they are? hmmm?
Glad Mike didn't pass out. So how much did you get for the table. I already have two or I'd buy yours. I can't fit any more lead into my living room. I've already tried. I've got some depends left over from when my grandma was still alive, Tom, if you want to borrow any.
C.C.... momma call them stickers or sticky...sticky all I am saying!
Frieda.. the table is still here, so is momma, doing table dances on it with her drunk self!
Is momma's toes pretty painted?
C.C. you cant tell where her toes end and the nails start...like most of her body parts...boobs end at the waistline ass starts at the middle of her back. She reaches over her shoulder to pull the wallet from her back pocket. chin ends where her cleavage begins...
gross man. sorry. I'm goin' ta bed see ya tomorrw dude have fun
sorry you asked !! :D nite dude..i am off soon too.
Okay Pest, no critique this time. For I have found your kryptonite - the one thing that hurts you the most and makes you go away for days. Yes, I'll FLAG THIS SHIT! :D
NNNnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
! Flag
2 Flags
Opps to make it extra special - 1 thumbs down (.5 pt)
3.5 Flags
How now brown cow?
Goodnight Mary Ellen, Goodnight Jim Bob, Goodnight Elizabeth, Goodnight John Boy.......Goodnight John Boy.......Goodnight John Boy!!! (squeaking bed springs)
Goooooood oh yeah night ooooh....ooooooh yeeeeeeessssssss! Daddy!
Goodnight Pest! :)
4.5 Flags
5.5 Flags
two hours later....
99.5 Flags
Nite... :D
This shit won't go away! Guess you really can't put a good hub down (unless of course it's about self-love) LOL
I'm off Pest. See ya in a bit. Btw. I'm worried about dork, I think we messed his brain up pretty bad :D
Pest~ I would love a coffee table, and I'll take a few vhs movies, but only if they're super dirty. (Please don't give me any that Uncle Mike has previously viewed.) I talked to MotherHubber, who would like some of that sticky cacti - she has a dora problem. Thanks!
Fumunda cheese?? Blehh! <puking,...hold on..... okay. phew, that's wicked disgusting!
Cris, yeah the poor guy...I hope we didn't break his sense of humor..funny, smart guy, he is.
Amy...I just joined MH's fan club...I can hook her right up! If your son is into chewing on paint chips i don't recomend the table.
What to say - what to say - I'm still laughing - and I had to go change my knickers! Your hubs always add to my laundry bill somehow - you got shares in that little laundromat in La Croix Valmer ? I reckons you could frame that "slightly used maxi-pad" and sell it on a a piece of modern art. Bisous.
You have garages?
You have seeds?
And how'd my cable spool wind up in Minnesota?
thanks Pest, lol
Pest my man, what fucking jolly good molly laugh! Gotta say, the first photo is really very, errrr.... NOT inspiring!
Iphigenia I have shares in many things... AEG, Chrysler, General Motors and K-mart.
druneric ...LOL I turned my garage into an extended living room/guest house. The garden tractor doubles as a love seat when it is out of impound.
Elena. That photo of Mike has been seen here before...I am not sure where I posted it, but he does rear his ugly head from time to time.
I want the wall hanging and uncle mike's underpants (if they are for sale). Love to Momma and take care of the used gum and tampons. I think the 20 dollar bill could become a collectors item too.
Great hub. puke puke!
can i write a check to get my spool back?
sixtyorso...what the hell would mike wear if you had his underwear. he hasn't taken those things off in years.
Toad, the spool is cash only...maybe send some buds from those seeds.
uh, they haven't sprouted yet, still waiting, uh, should be ready in a couple of months, I got a framed picture of a monkey in the kids rooms, can we trade for the spool then?
He seems to enjoy the horse so much perhaps he could go commando!
Toad i already have enough pictures of family thanks.
Sixty...you haven't seen the rear of those things, or the lack thereof!
That could be interesting if somewhat horrifying. Great pic BTW.
okay, I got the bottom part of a blender, it still works on some cycles, how about that?
Ps now that you have found Elvis (Mike) are you planning on selling tour tickets too?
60, he's already lined up for the county fair, and pest already tried to sell me a ticket, but it was a little cut out on some cardboard that just said "one ticket". I questioned how legit it was, and told him I would think about it.
MMMM. I love me some muffin tops! My Mrs. got me on the yard sale thing. Nagged me for two years. Then I started moving stuff out of the house. It turned out that it was only MY stuff she wanted to sell! So I sold her!
You do some funny sh*t, and you should go down to the clinic about that.
This was so funny I had to post twice.
Nice Hub, It sure was a great one. I give it an "I like it" on the scale i've created. Oh and I want to mention you have a one spelling error. For example "
Pelt and Tails For Sale
I have a leather wall hanging that I am asking twenty five dollars for. It is great ***"forcovering"***
Toad do you have the owners mannual?? that is a must have for any collector you know. That ticket is for realz. I being cereal!
Pest where's my ticket. The last time I saw one on a cereal packet it was covered in ants. On examination it said:
"tear along dotted line" and the ants were!
I got a bunch of Racoon tails I'll trade ya...if you are interested...and sure I'll take some of those plants...on credit??? G-Ma :O) Hugs
owner's manual? What's that?
Gma...i can not be held responsible for your juvenile delinquincy! Ad me to your friends list at FaceBook and we will talk!
Sixty...I have four tickets just for you. six dollars each or twenty eight for them all.
Toad...an owners mannual is like that piece of paper that comes with momma's massagers... "for internal and external use" Is your blender an internal model?
Anyway, what are you so happy about? "Oh a happy day" my ass! What is it? I hate it when you're keeping something from me! :D
shit man, why do you have to go asking me such technical questions, do I look like thomas edison to you?
you want the damn thing or not?
I think I just caught you toady! Now confess in the Religion Forum! Oh this is not crappy? Thought I read this in Reader's Digest? Or was it Chicken Soup for the Soul?
ROTFL! I was here last night, but couldn't stick around to comment after seeing that pic of Uncle Mike. (Haven't eaten a thing since, btw.)
Your mamma's sticky plants: are they gar-on-teed to stick wherever you stick 'em? Hate to shell out 150 bucks to find out the woman next to me at work doesn't feel a thing when she sits on 'em....
OMG! What a great writer you are! LOL LOL
I love the series , they make me roll with laughter!!!!:)
Are you under 'Pest' on facebook ?... I am Merle Ann Johnson...there..G-Ma :O) Hugs
G-Ma's hittin' on ya Pest. haha
Sarcasm, Cris, Sarcasm...
Toad i have four or five of those blender base things. You have any of those blow up sheep left???
Netters, You are fevered???
AE I have twenty-one topics to keep on writing for a while. Your suggestion is one.
G-Ma i am under Rich Thorp, that is my psuedo name.
C.C. all the hotties want me.
Pest just stuff the squirrels and put the blender bases inside. and viola a "Mr squirrel" vibarator.
BTW thanks for the tickets, the cheque is in the mail!
Ha ha...good luck on your sale, Pest!! I wish I could make it all the way up there to have a look around. I love antiques!!
I ain't got no blow up sheep man, but I do have some encyclopedias, not a whole set but most of them, how about those?
They the world book encyclopedias? post Vietnam War?
Blow up books? Man mad max has arrived!
Hahaha Pest I am in stiches. Oh does this laughing ever stop.I think I need to go to the ladies room LMAO...I also just checked out your profile and I am so so flattered.I am totally delirious to be mentioned. Many kisses to you. You rock Pest!!!!!!
Well there is Mable and CrisA, that does not look lilke Pest!!!!:D
BP... You are certainly welcome...
AE.. That is Uncle Mike...Cris just hopes that I am that ugly so all of you womans will go running to him!
Pest: I see naughty , naughty Cris I caught up with him, yes I did!!!! :)
Oh By the way I do see my name in lights ...I am finally a Star!!!! Thank you for crowning me .....Lol :) That is so kind of you... I need to work on my profile info again too!!!:)
What, no Chaka Khan 8-tracks?
Mr. Walker, I will sell my Squirrel Tails, I will sell my soul, I will even sell my own momma, but I will never part with my Chaka Khan tapes!
Uncle Mike is the best picture ever! Great Hub. I put it into one of my all time favorites file.
You're tellin tales on your uncle mike, but what do you have to say about this?
I have nothing to say. My family is so embarrassing! Now you know why I carry a shank!
Oh man you are hilarious. I Did you get those cacti sold?
The "Cacti" all sold well. Toad picked up most of them. He says he has a green thumb, but will prolly use them for his own consumption.
I am still nearly speechless. This is only the 2nd hub of yours I've read. Hilarious - but you do take some getting used to! Don't worry - I'm still reading. I think I need to make a special bookmark just for your stuff!
Pest my dear, please let me know if you have any leftovers from all those garage sales. Those collector items are particularly interesting and I wonder what kind of idiots you live around, that they can't see the value in them :D
goldentoad says:
9 months ago
Damnit! I dun tol' her I would get her the money when my refund came in. And that spool looks mighty familiar, I'm going to go check my back patio, right now!