Stay Home Mom-versus-The Career Mom
74The original title suggested was Stay-Home-Mom versus Working-Mom, which for some reason really sticks in my craw. First and foremost I would like to point out that this article is not a knock at the career Mom. It is only meant to be a glance into choices, a young family has to make, in this day and age.
In my day, the early seventies, when I was a young bride and we decided to start our family it seemed to be a given, I would stay at home and look after the children and the home etc. I don't think it ever entered our minds that it would be any other way. My immediate circle of girlfriends were the same. Don't get me wrong, 'the working out of the house Mom' was an acceptable fact then too but it just didn't seem to be the first and foremost choice. If it had to be, then it was.Today, unfortunately the stay-at-home-Mom seems to have become a minority.
The awesome new subdivision where my daughter and son-in-law chose to put down their roots is mainly filled with the upper twenty to early thirty something couples with young families. After an unofficial survey we realized that less than twenty percent were stay-home-Moms.
My gang made the choice, they were going to be the ones raising their children not the daycare people. As a general manager of a plant my son-in-law makes enough so it's possible for my daughter to stay at home with their two little darlings. Not that it wouldn't be easier with an extra income but... Would it be easier?
Lets peruse that angle. They would need daycare for two. A good car and gas to take the little ones to daycare and to get to work. She'll need a 'working' wardrobe etc. Also fast cooking types of groceries, which cost more. Not to mention, that an extra income would land them in a higher tax bracket too.
A young friend of mine, with a couple of masters degrees, stopped her career to have their family. When the youngest turned three my friend became restless and decided to go back to work. It was quite an eye-opener. She did the calculations, the total breakdown. Naturally having been away from the work force for a little under five years she wouldn't be able to start back with the top wages in her field but still at an above average wage. The bottom line, after all the expenditures etc. she would be working for a whooping five eighty an hour. Time to rehash matters, I think.
For another aspect, my friends daughter had a dilemma. How to select just the right daycare for her young boys? She was not in the position to have a choice, No-matter how little was left at the end of the pay week she needed it. She had to return to work as fast as possible. Yes, there is subsidised daycare but that is not always the best care. A few months ago my friend called all upset. Her eighteen month old grandson had come home with a black eye from daycare. It seems that the subsidized daycare places look after quite a few children of all age groups and the little tyke just got in the way of older kids fighting.... How to choose the right place can get frustrating and naturally every Mom wants the best for their children.
Lets open a different kettle of fish...The stay home Mom faces different challenges. The attitude of the masses, she is at home therefore she doesn't work. I'm sure if any homemakers are reading this article they'd agree these type of comments come their way constantly: "Not to worry, you have all day to do it... You don't work? Must be nice, you can watch soaps all day... Aren't you bored staying home all day? You should volunteer somewhere... You're busy? Doing what? You've got all day... etc. Lets not get into that discussion. Another thought comes to mind. What does the stay-at-home-Mom give up? Her individuality, career, pay, and sometimes sanity etc. To stay at home with the kiddies a Mom surrenders most of herself, but at the same time she gaines so much by being there for the first step, the first word, the first...??? She is also able to give Dad back some of the time, he's missing with his children while at work. My son-in-law loves that. He always says, the next best thing to experiencing every aspect of his girls accomplishments is to at least hear about them at the end of his day. Unfortunately the Career-Mom misses a lot of those firsts, while at work, and then again at the end of the day when she still needs to make dinner, do laundry etc.
It is very hard to decide what to be... The-Stay-Home-Mom versus The-Career-Mom. I'm just glad I don't have to make these choices anymore, who's to know what the right choice is...
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Comments
what patty said. it's a personal choice and both choices deserve respect. SAHM is vastly undervalued. what a mom who stays home and parents does is infinitely more valuable than being one more mid-level manager.
a society which does not value parenting and motherhood is ultimately a society which will incur the social and financial expenses of that state of mind. we are seeing that now.
Iouun and Zsuzsy for Co-Presidents!
such a wonderful gender, women. :)
I don't think people realize how much work is involved in really taking care of children right. I have several female friends who were high-achievers in their career that have told me that being a parent was far more work than they had ever expected, and that they weren't prepared for the workload and stresses.
I think the fact that women used to be consigned to the role of raising children by default in the past is what some women (naturally) bristle about. Its as if their career choice were already chosen for them based on their gender.
Having and raising children is an enormous amount of work, but it doesn't necessarily have to be shared solely by the mother (well, at least after pregnancy, childbirth and infancy!) I know a couple of stay-home dads whose wives/partners/girlfriends are the breadwinners. It works great for them. A few have said they would switch-off after a few years, allowing each the pleasures (and responsibilities) of both developing their career, and raising their children.
well, I agree with you livelonger that it's fine either way, just better if one parent stays home, either way.
a lot of people aren't given the benefit of choice on this either, considering the economy. for some families and for divorced/single parents, there is no choice.
still, in a perfect world, one working parent and one stay at home parent is best for the child and the social fabric generally.
Patty, Iðunn, livelonger I agree with you all. It's a hard choice todays parents have to make. Thanks for taking a look
regards Zsuzsy
A topic that has interested me since I've been staying home with my younger two children. Staying at home is the only option if you are under a certain income and you can't afford the childcare for more than one child. But, the stress on the working parent can be extreme also. Just seems that having children in this country is not an easy path financially for mid to low-income families.
Cailin! I hear you. It's a tough choice to make. So many things have to be thrown into the equation.
thanks for taking a look regards Zsuzsy
Hi Zsuzsy,
Your last line is very pragmatic. Sometimes lack of choice works out better. Once we have an option to make a choice, we are at times burdened with our decision, the need to justify it, the inebility to come out of it etc.
This is one of the ever-going hot topic in India. It is nice to see that it exists in some form in developed countries too!
CVR
CV! thank you for taking a look. This is a very hot topic around our neck of the woods. The stay-home-Mom is fast becoming a minority. The way life is right now I don't see that it will change any time soon.
regards Zsuzsy
No idea why I read this but glad I did now. I just heard something on the radio a little over a half hour ago about working moms. They were talking about how companies will give small pay raises to keep the mom working while their kids are at home starving for a relationship with Mom. The question was, "Where do you draw the line?" What would it take to make a Mom quit her job to take care of her children?
I am in now way pointing a finger at anyone who is a working mom. Just saying that comapnies this day and time demand much more than the 40 hours a week everyone used to work.
Nice hub Zsuzsy! Gives career mom's something to think about and absolutely, stay at mom mom's are also working moms! I've been fortunate in that yes, even though our family does require two incomes, prior to real estate I was in Food and Beverage. My husband is a chef and we'd work opposite hours to minimize daycare (I'd start at 5am, working the breakfast shift and be done by noon and he'd start at noon and be done by 10pm at the latest). Didn't give us much time for one another, but it's a temporary sacrafice. There is some flexibility with my schedule now and I do a lot from home. Our boys 9 and 12 are at an age where they'd just as soon hang with their friends. I have to say, even though I like their being more independent, I miss those baby/dependent years! They go by sooo fast!
SirDent! You are tooooo right. The companies of today really demand more of each worker... and if you're not willing or able... their opinion 'we'll find someone that is...'
it's a hard being a parents today (not that it was ever easy, just different hard I'd say)
thank for coming by and the great comment regards Zsuzsy
Christine! Always glad when you come for a visit. It seems to become a juggling act I'd say, trying to be all you have to and want to be when you have children. I was a single parent and self-employed. Each location that I set up for my Tailor shop had to have room enough for a kiddy-corner (they called it their office) it including a cot for sick days and a kitchenette. My three practicaly lived there, came there after school. Did their homework and planned everything from there, as I needed to work at least 60-70 hour a week. When they became too crabby (oops I meant to say) tired, I packed up all the handsewing and we went home. It was never ideal but it worked for us. (And you're too right that they grow up too fast, my "baby" just finished her first year of College) All in all I miss those busy struggling days, but I don't think I'd change much if I'd have to redo it... maybe just charge more for my work.
Thanks for commenting regards Zsuzsy
I wrote a hub on this subject too and would like to have the thoughts that I brought up included here.....I don't know how to do that, but the hub address for mine is here: http://hubpages.com/hub/It-is-time
Lady Guinevere! Thank you for taking a look and commenting.
regards Zsuzsy
I've been a career mother for 11 years. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to work from home. It is hard either decision you make and each one deserves respect. I live now near many stay at home moms that even homeschool. Actually, I get more bad comments from the stay at home ones to the career ones about how cruel they are to be working outside the home. Very frustrating.
I could be mistaken, but I seem to recall hearing or reading somewhere that the concept of a stay-at-home mom only became widespread in the post-WWII 50s, when we had prosperity. Prior to that, women did work.
I agree with RGraf. It's wrong for either side to throw stones at the other. It's a personal choice and not cut and dried. There are many, many factors that go into the decision. Going back to work may or may not be financially motivated. I've known SAH moms who were there physically but as far as emotionally engaged, might just as well have been working for all the attention the kids got.
So hopefully, we can all "live and let live" and accept and respect each other's choices.
RGraf! Thanks for taking a look. I think it has to be one of the hardest choices that a young woman has to make. Staying home to raise the children in literally putting her life on hold.
Glad you came for a visit , greetings Zsuzsy
Mighty Mom! Always glad when you come for a visit. I love that my daughter and son-in-law decided to make the sacrifice. My granddaughters are lucky and they're being raised with their Mom at their beck and call. Exposed to all the extras that only a stay-at-home Mom has time for. Unfortunately its not feasable for all Moms to stay at home... again as I said before a very tough choice to make.
greetings Zsuzsy
Neither option works if the mother is unhappy about it. Her mood is subconsciously transmitted to the child/children and then they either feel that they are a burden or unworthy.
No one should criticize another's choice in this matter as everyone's situation is different.
StudioN. Sorry its taken so long for my reply to your comment but I was away and there was no internet connections up north.
It's the toughest job to figure out which the right choices are for a Mom.
Thanks for taking a look and for commenting
Kindest regards Zsuzsy
I think that we are all forgetting who we are talking about here.... All the comments about the husband / wife / daycare / expenses / what makes the mom feel good.... What about the kids? That is one aspect that has not really been broached here. Who of all of you remembers mom at home waiting when you came home from school? Or mom or dad being there to catch you when you first started walking? I remember. Our family (6 kids) struggled financially and ate a LOT of casseroles (cream of mushroom soup anyone?), but nothing could replace mom being there when I fell off the slide at school or threw up after the flouride treatment and had to come home in the middle of the day. And the mornings when all of my older siblings went to school and it was just me and her, sitting at the kitchen table, while I ate my cheerios and she read to me. Hmmmm. I remember that. Any long-lasting memories from a babysitter? Are you still in touch with your daycare person from when you were 4? Didn't think so....
Sorry to sound negative, but I was an executive prior to having my (now 8 year old) twin daughters, and we've lived from paycheck to paycheck for all of these years, but who cares? I don't need anything fancier than the smiling faces I get to see every day. No amount of income can replace those.
Brodi! Thanks for taking a look and for commenting.
I agree with you 100%, the children will have a long list of memories of day to day life with Mom if she can stay at home with them. As I said in the hub my granddaughters get that type of attention daily because my daughter and son-in-law decided to raise their children instead of a babysitter or daycare service. Even though I was a single parent for the most part of my childrens life they had it too because I was self-employed so I was able to gear my life around them a bit. Unfortunately a lot of parents are not able to afford this oh-so-sweet luxuary. And if one pay check doesn't cover all the nessecities then what is a mom to do....if it's a matter of not being able to feed the kids or going out to work what is she going to do? ....and again I'm just glad I do not to make those decissions anymore
glad you came by
kindest regards Zsuzsy
Agreed. Basic necessities aside, it is a struggle to live on one income, but well worth it. The payoff is greater than income of any range. THanks for the compelling subject read.
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Patty Inglish, MS says:
2 years ago
Stay-at-home parents as a profession deserves repsect. It seems that many people do not see it as a profession.