Stay at home mom vs. Working Mom--Which works, or worked, for you?
66Let me start off by saying that I used the term "Workiing Mom" only to differentiate between the two titles...obviously all moms are working moms!
I was a stay at home mom from the time my first child was born, and I never regretted it. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who was all for me staying home and raising our kids--he was more than willing to be the major breadwinner in the family. Through the years, I mostly contributed to our income by jobs I could stay home and do--sewing, and in the later years, I started selling items online. These jobs were all done when my kids were either in school, napping, or asleep for the night.
Once I tried working with my husband and leaving our youngest, a toddler, with a friend. I just couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else--so I ended up not doing it very often. We waited until he was in school for me to start helping my husband more often, painting apartments and homes. That way, I could always make sure I was home before they were.
But my main job was taking care of our kids, and our home--and I loved it. Of course, we didn't have all the nice things that others had who had two full-time incomes...we drove older cars, and we never had new furniture--all of it was secondhand. We didn't go on vacations, and we didn't live in a big new house.
But that was the trade off for us, and we never regretted it. Maybe our stuff was old, but it was still nice...and maybe we never got to go to the Grand Canyon or Disneyland, but we took the kids on many day trips, to the beach, or fishing, or anything else we could think of. And we lived in big OLD houses that we preferred, so that really wasn't a sacrifice.
There were times, though, when I was looked down on, as if I was less of a woman because I didn't have a "real" job or career, and didn't contribute to our income enough. We'd "have more and be able to do more", they said, if I worked. That was hard for me to deal with--and caused me to feel guilty at times. But all I had to do was look at my kids, and the guilt went away.
This was during most of the '80's and all of the '90's when there started to be more and more moms going to work, and more kids being put into daycare. By the mid-90's it had gotten to the point to where I was one of the very few moms who stayed home...I became an oddity...
I know that there are many reasons why moms have to work outside of the home, especially these days, when there are so many single moms, or many families who have to have two incomes due to the scarcity of well-paying jobs.
But I also know that there are moms who work because they choose to. From what I've seen, read, or heard from them--they feel like it's what they need to do to feel complete, that merely being a mom and homemaker didn't wasn't fulfilling enough. That they needed more in life...
I decided to write about this topic because I really would love to hear other's viewpoints on this. I wanted to write this as un-biased as I could, but looking at it now, I'm afraid that it doesn't come off that way. I obviously feel strongly that I did the right thing by staying home with my kids and raising them myself, so it's hard to not let that show through.
But my intent is not to judge, but to try to understand the "other side of the coin", as the saying goes.
So I'd like to ask these questions:
Whichever you were--stay at home mom, or working mom--are/were you happy with that decision?
Were the hardships and/or benefits of either worth it in the long run?
If your kids are grown, how do they feel about the choice you made?
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When I found out I was pregnant 2 months after we got married, I quit work to stay home and loved it. When my second daughter was a couple of years old, I got the opportunity to teach at a deaf school. I was able to take my youngest with me because there was a preschool in the nextdoor classroom, and my oldest was already in school. I loved doing that because I was home when they were, but was still able to get out and do what I love most--teach. It took some adjusting with the housework and stuff, but we made it work. When I got pregnant again, I decided to quit and stay home again for a couple of reasons. One was that I didn't want to put a baby in daycare, but mostly because we decided to homeschool our kids. Now I work for the school district, but only three hours a day. An hour and a half of that is while they are just getting up and getting around. The extra money is nice, but mostly I get to get out of the house for a few hours. I still consider myself a stay at home mom, though.
raiderfan...Sounds like you're all for it, lol...thanks for your comment!
LM--Thanks for sharing your story...my daughter did something similar to you...she worked at a daycare, but had her little boy with her there, and it worked out good for her, too. Now that she has two little ones, she babysits at a private home, and they both go with her, too...
It's amazing the ways you can work things out, isn't it?
I did the home thing for 3 years, worked a little part time, not much till he was in preschool, then more part time.. but him being with a sitter for 12 hours a day as a tiny baby killed me.. I commuted 90 minutes each way to work, including a 30 min ferry ride. That lasted 4 weeks, then I tried to find a job closer..killed me somemore, quit all together.. Then when he was 3 at daycare part time, I was 10 late getting him and 5 minutes before I got there he fell and split his eyebrown wide open. Needed stitches. More mom guilt. I had to work at that point, but made every field trip from 3yr preschool to 6th grade..no I take that back, I missed 2 and he remembers those 2 to this day..at 19 years old..
It's a tough choice, working enuf to pay just for daycare, crazy.
Candie~hugs~It sounds like you did the best that you could do--and that's what counts! I know it can be a tough time, trying to get by, and raise your kids at the same time?
Did you know that our youngest son is the same age as yours?
Tammy, if you get a chance, go to YouTube and find Elizabeth Warren's 2007 lecture at Berkeley on why the two-income families of today actually have much less money than back when the husband was the only bread-winner. A real eye opener that validates your (and Tom's) decision for you to be a stay-at-home mom.
So what if you didn't have new furniture, drove older cars and didn't take "real" vacations? The benefit to your kids can't be measured in dollars, and in fact, in the long run was much more valuable than a second paycheck ever could've been.
I've never understood the logic in the wife working full time if most of what she makes goes to pay for daycare. She works to pay someone else to watch the kids for 8-10 hours a day until they're old enough for school? And we wonder why there are so many messed up kids today?
I was mostly a single mom, and my kids *hated* that I worked full time. No points from then that I would've **preferred** to stay home.
I found this hub to be very interesting. I, myself was a stay at home mom for many years while rearing my three now adult children and found various ways to earn money from home. i now have an 11 year old and have gone through the divorce process.. at 46, i have no choice but to be a working mom and at least she is a little older. I admire your position and understand it completely. Nothing beats being there, and no one can take a mom's place. On the other side of the coin, I understand that some moms need to work outside the home. I would never feel that i needed a career to "complete or fulfill" me.. God knows what a blessing and responsibility being a mother is. Great job on this!
Jama--Thank you so much for your kind comments--I'll check that lecture out, too, thanks!I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to stay at home--I can't imagine how frustrating that would be...but you DO deserve points for wanting to, as far as I'm concerned!
Erin--Thank you so much--it's really interesting to me, hearing how you have been in both positions, and how you feel about it.
I honestly thought, when I wrote this hub, that I would get chewed out by someone, thinking I was judging working moms...so much so that I almost didn't publish it.
I'm so relieved that everyone has understood where I was coming from...thank you!
I really enjoyed your article. It's very refreshing to see that there are still young mothers like you. I salute you. For me it was rewarding to be able to raise my own children. I owned and operated a business from my home, so I was able to act like a stay at home mother. By that I mean, I was able to take my children to school, attend all of their affairs etc. There is nothing like it, and I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything.
Thank you, fastfreta--I really appreciate your comments. Especially for the young mother part, lol...my kids are older now, and I'm a grandma! Writing this has been a real eye-opener for me--I had felt pretty alienated for the longest time, choosing to be a stay at home mom. It's wonderful to hear how many others, like you, chose the same path!
i wouldn't have traded the experience for anything, either!
A great article and interesting discussion. I think it is reallyhard for mothers today to feel validated in their decision to stay at home. It is supposed to be the age of choice for women, but in reality choosing not to work is often much harder. (either for financial reasons or because of being made to feel somehow inferior etc..) I think we all make the best choice we can for our own families. What works for you may not work for someone else. It woulod be great if we could all accept that, support fellow moms , and be at peace with whichever decision we make. This is what I was getting at here: http://hubpages.com/hub/Dilema-Mothering-in-the-21
I,m gald you were able to feel vindicated in your decision to be a sahm. Sound like you did a great job!
multi talented--Thanks so much for your comments--and you're right, it would be best if everyone could all accept everyone else's choices...although I know how hard it is to do when you feel so strongly about something like this!
I read your hub--thanks for directing me to it! You make many valid points, and it makes you think, that's for sure...
I was a working mom. I had no choice, I was raising two kids by myself. I was a teacher and I loved my work, but I did a lot of things, modtly projects at home, with my kids. We didn't take trips cause we couldn't afford it. Both of my girls say I didn't spend enough time with them, and unfortunately, I think that's probably true. I do regret that, but not the job. I think I just could have managed my time better.
Thank you for your comments, alekhouse...honestly, though, I think we all have regrets of some kind when it comes to raising our kids...what we did do, what we didn't do...it's part of being a parent...
I'm not sure what to call myself right now. At this moment I am working full time but have just made the decision to quit so I can stay home to take care of my 15 mth old son. I was just about to hand in my notice when a new part-time permanent position opened up in a different division in my company and now I don't know what to do. (This new position used to be full-time but the person in the current job wanted to quit to stay at home and has now been persuaded to stay on part-time and her job is now opened for sharing.) Should I quit as planned? Or try for this new position? Or try to negotiate the same thing with my boss for my current position (i.e. split my job into two part-time permanent positions? Any thoughts?
So, once again, I hope to not offend, but am severly short on time and had to say something.If I repeat anyone I am truly sorry. I was a single working out of the house mom for 3 years. It sucks. I understand not everyone is as lucky as I am now to have a husband willing to do without the new truck so his wife can stay home. I have chosen to be a stay at home Mom, as I suppose you guessed after going to my page, but I just wish all women would have compassion and respect for each other as we are all Moms, and we all do the best we can. What works for me wont work for others and vice versa...life would be so much easier for all of us, if women would support instead of judge. Thank you so much for writing this!!!
worked out--Thank you for visiting my hub. I can see how torn you are, and I know it's hard right now.
I guess I would have to ask you this--which do you think is best for your child? Would he rather have you home all of the time, or have that extra toy, or whatever your paycheck brings him?
I admit--I am biased...I believe children deserve to be raised by their parents--be it the mom or the dad...They are only young once, and I just can't imagine missing out on all of the special moments that I was witness to myself, with my own. But that's my point of view--I'm sure a working mom would have something different to say to you...the bottom line is to do what's right in your heart...
Dennisematt--You are so right--I had meant to go back to your hub to talk more, but I haven't had a chance yet...it's a hard world out there, but the more tolerance we all have for each other's decisions, the better off we would all be...thanks so much for your comments!
:) I agree with you 100% I feel the very best thing for my kids is ME. They arent here that long, I can have that flashy career when they move out. My sister in law is always saying "oh, but its easy for you. I cant stand being home." and "I feel my children deserve the finer things in life." I have given up defending myself to her by now....
dennisematt--Oh, I know exactly what you mean there, as far as what your sister-in-law says. But you know what? I've also heard from grown kids who had working moms that they would rather had had their moms home with them while they were growing up...
As far as our kids--Two are in their mid-20's, and one is almost 20, and all three of them have told us that they don't remember ever feeling like they did without ANYTHING growing up--they liked knowing I was there everyday for them, and always knowing I'd be there when they came home from school.
So which kids actually had "the finer things in life", really?
Even though there were days when I felt restless and a little bored being at home all of the time, just knowing that they felt like they had a great childhood is what makes it all worth it to me...
Love this hub!! I definitely think mothers should stay home with their children, although it is, of course, a personal choice.
Thanks for sharing!! :-)
caitlinlea--Thank you for your support--I really do appreciate hearing that.
I know I've said it before, but I just can't get over how many folks here support moms staying at home...thank you all so much!
Good Hubs. After the birth of my daughter I stayed at home with her until she was two years, Then l decided to back to work, .... once again good reading.
This is terrific! I was a working mom-now I am a stay home mom and I don't regret the decision except for the loss of income it has been great! Power to the stay home mommies!!!
Darknlovely--Thank you for your comments--I'm glad you were able to stay home for the first two years, for your daughter.
lovelymama--Thanks for making that sacrifice for your children! I know the loss of income is tough, but there are so many things that you can do at home to bring in income, too--you can work around your kids' schedules, and that's the best part!
I enjoyed this hub, I read your three questions at the end of the hub and I think I might have a go at answering them. By the way I was a stay at home mum which in the UK in the early 70s was not too highly of
Thanks maggs! I would LOVE to see your answers to these questions.
Around my area of the US(rural Ohio) in the 70's, it was still pretty common for moms to stay at home--the 80's is when I really noticed the change.
I'm so sorry that you had to deal with the issues, too...:(
Hi,
Like quite a few readers before me.. was a working mom who is now a WAHM.. :-) and am loving it.. it gives me flexibility, choice and freedom.. love it.. and am having a ball spending time with my toddler and watching her grow..
pmalik--That's so terrific to hear that you are enjoying your daughter so much! They grow soooo fast, believe me--before you know it, she'll be starting school...then graduating...then leaving home....all in the blink of an eye!
My decision to stay at home with my children was the best one I ever made. My family (Parents) keep putting the pressure on me to go back to work, however, I will not be. We are making extra income from the net, and Jim is a Manager at a major retailer. We get by. We don't live extravagent lives, we look forward to simple pleasures, like going to the movies or the footy, we are happy. We believe keeping me home will deter the problems kids face because they are not supervised enough by a parent. They miss us terribly, when we are working, and in turn we miss them. The pressure put on families is immense, but society would be better off trying to keep Mums at home, and hopefully through our internet business we can bring Dad home too. My husband and I have an extremely close relationship, especially after his parents died, we are all he has left. So we want to spend every valuable moment together, watching our children achieve greatness.
julie103--Thank you for the comment! It's so nice to hear such sincerity from a mom, and such conviction! Good luck in your goals--I'm sure you'll reach them before you know it! :)
Tam - I'm not a mom, and I always felt the driving need to be completely financially independent, which I always was. So I had a great career and enjoyed every minute of it. But I must say, that if I had chosen to have children the only choice for me would have been to stay home with them. It became very unpopular in the 80's and 90's for women to do what you did. It was looked upon as somehow less than what women who "worked" were doing, and that is a crime. We would have a much better world today, IMHO, if more women had stayed home with their kids.
I think motherhood is just about the highest calling for a woman, though not all of us are called to it. But dang-it, if a woman's going to have kids, then stick around long enough to see it through.
God bless you.
Thank you Madame X, thank you SO much for your support!
I'm so glad that you have enjoyed the choices that you made in your life--that's the most important thing of all, isn't it?
I so agree with you about, if you have kids, you should stick around to see it through...I've tried not to get into that too much with this hub, but I'm sure some of my views have eeked out--I just feel so strongly about mothers staying home with their babies...
Thanks again--I appreciate it!:)
I never regretted a minute of staying home with my kids and found I had gifts and talents I probably would not have otherwise discovered.
joshandkaren--How wonderful that you had that experience to discover yourself even more...by way of your kids, and being with them--and thank you so much for your comment! :)
raiderfan says:
6 months ago
my wife is going through the process from stay at home to go to work part time. Hell yeah!