Stay or Go - should I leave my marriage?
89These days, it seems people get divorced at the drop of a hat. Or do they?
Divorce statistics are skewed by the large numbers of marriages that fail within a year or two. Of course it's painful to leave any relationship, but it's much easier to unravel a brief one, and go back to your old life.
If you've been in a marriage for a long time, especially
with kids, it's a different story. Our old lives have been left far
behind us - we've almost forgotten what it was like! We've established
a home, a routine, a lifestyle - moving out means leaving all that
behind, and that's scary.
Walking out on a marriage often
means walking out on your community, and facing gossip. It means
financial hardship: living alone is more expensive than living as a
couple, even if you have a job. It means loneliness - an empty bed and
an empty house take getting used to. It means exchanging your
lovingly-created home for an anonymous rented place.
Believe me, all those hurdles can be overcome - and if you've been unhappy in your marriage, a better life is waiting on the other side! But it's not surprising that faced with those obstacles, many people put off the big decision - often for years.
Questions you must answer!
It's important to realise that the same hurdles will be waiting for you when you finally leave, no matter how long you put it off. In fact, the older you get, the harder it can be to manage on your own, find a job and rebuild your life.
So there are some questions you must force yourself to answer.
- Can you go on like this for the rest of your life?
- If you stay married, will you look back when you're 80 and say "I've wasted my life, I wish I'd left?"
If your reaction to that second question was, "Oh, but I won't still be in this marriage when I'm 80", tell me - when will you be leaving? In 5 years' time? In 10 years?
If you can tell me that you'll leave in x years' time because that's when the kids are finished school, or when you get your inheritance, that's fine. I respect your decision and wish you strength to get through the next few years.
But if you can't give me a date and a good reason for staying - you're kidding yourself. If you can't leave now, nothing is magically going to change so you can leave in the future.
Why making a plan helps
Human beings are actually more stressed by uncertainty than by bad events. So being in a position where you’re constantly unsure whether to stay or go is the worst place you can be. When you’re stuck in limbo, a year feels like a long time. Five years, ten years or fifteen years seems like an eternity.
So the important thing is to make a decision now and work out a plan to implement it. Whether it's to stay or go, and even if the plan will take years to achieve, you'll feel much better.
If you decide to hang in there, or are still unsure how you feel, don't expect to do it all on your own. You need advice! Professional counselling is the ideal solution, even if your husband won’t go with you. It's surprising how much you can achieve on your own (if your counsellor tells you that’s not true, find another counsellor!).
If you can’t afford a professional, there’s a lot of help on the internet and in books. I strongly recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay", which is a great help in crystallising and analysing your reasons for going. And good old Dr Phil has a terrific library of advice on his website.
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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Each chapter of this book looks at a different reason for breaking up, whether it applies to you and what (if anything) you can do to avoid a split. Some say it's over-simplified - but for me, at a time when my brain was awash with conflicting ideas and opinions, it was a relief to have someone explain the basics in such a no-nonsense fashion.
Price: $6.90
List Price: $15.00 |
Why is my marriage unhappy?
A bad marriage is rarely the fault of only one partner. Yes, there are abusive and violent men. There are men who marry to get a housekeeper or a mother substitute, and women who marry for a meal ticket. If you’re with one of those, the only solution is to get out - it can only get worse, not better. Even if it means a refuge, or squeezing into your parents’ spare room with the kids.
But in most marriages, neither partner is entirely blameless.
In fact, many women sow the seed of their unhappy marriage without even realising they've done anything wrong - and in many ways, they haven't. However, a woman's reaction to becoming a mother can have a huge impact on a marriage, and it's important not to underestimate how your own change in behaviour may have contributed to your partner's change in behaviour. For more information, see my Hub on How Babies Change a Marriage.
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All text copyright Marisa Wright. Couple photo courtesy of Travelator on Flickr. Mother and baby courtesy of Raul on Flickr
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Comments
Sounds like you've tried hard. Some couples find that they can be happy if they accept that friends is all they'll be - but it sounds like that's not enough for you.
Your best bet is to work out a 5-year plan for yourself: work out how to develop a career or some means of earning, set yourself goals and make a concerted effort to make savings with the goal of moving out by the end of your 5 year plan. It sounds like a long time, but it should make you feel better to have some concrete goals to aim for.
Wow. You write so well. I can tell this came out of your head.
I know the feeling of limbo, for sure. Changing is hard, and the fear of going at it alone is suffucating. Read my blog on saving the marriage! Much luck to you.
Marisa's recommendation for a 5 year plan seems so wrong. You would doom any chance of improvement in your relationship if your GOAL is to be free in 5 years. To put so much energy into your long term plan to LEAVE is really unfair to the other partner. If it can't be saved, end it now!
How do I know if I want to leave or not. When we fight... I just know I shouldnt be with him and then when its all over... I question my marriage sometimes but sometimes that normal right??? When things are going "well" Im still... UNSURE and cant make the choice to leave.... I miss how I use to feel about him, I miss how he treated me.. now it just seems like its MY fault but I just dont love him anymore. I dont crave him... what wrong with me???
Questioning your marriage is not normal. We all do it once in a blue moon, say when we've had a particularly bad fight - but it should be that rare. And once it's over, you should be feeling good about your marriage again. If you question it when you're fighting and feel unsure the rest of the time, then I'm guessing the only thing keeping you in your marriage is fear.
If everything seems to be your fault, then you may be married to one of those men who is wonderful until he snares you, then spends your whole marriage undermining you deliberately, so he drains away your self-confidence. If that's the case, get out now because it will only get worse.
Of course, the other option is that sometimes we just marry the wrong person. There's nothing wrong with you - people do fall out of love, especially if they made the wrong choice in the first place through infatuation rather than true love.
Perhaps the problem is more about expectations. Romance as portrayed by Hollywood is usually quite different to what everyday people trip over in everyday situations! I have several Asian friends whose parents had arranged marriages, and literally fell in love AFTER they were married. One of them told me that she went into the marriage half expecting the worst, but was pleasantly surprised instead. Perhaps luck comes into it too. We often have only a superficial knowledge of our partners when we commit. Time and circumstance dictate who we become, and what suits us well at 20 may be a disaster at 40.
Amanda, that is so true. What Hollywood portrays as love was regarded as a dangerous sickness in earlier centuries! More often than not, the more starstruck you are by someone, the more likely it is to be infatuation rather than true love. I wrote a Hub about it:
I would say that if a marriage is giving you pain and tears only it is not worth keeping.
Well since I come from a hindu indian background. My take on this is that marriage is a very important phase in a person's life and no matter how much you know a person(both before marriage and maybe a few years into the marriage) nothing remains constant over a long period of time. Women more than men have to adjust accordingly.
My dad who is pretty modern in outlook told couple of years back either you marry the man you love or love the man you marry (if former doesn't happen later is bound to happen). I know it's just a point of view (esp asian background). But one thing my mother always told me the happiness of a family is mostly dependant on women (if they are happy and then the whole family remains happy) hence nothing is more important than keeping your husband/kids happy and if career or anything is coming in the way than one has to be willing to sacrifice that. No pain no gain.
Marisa,
thanks for another direct, no messing, article.
Interesting well presented thought provoking hub.
The best statement made in this hub is that the filure of a relationship is rarely one person's fault. I could relate a lot to the things you were talking about in this hub...
Very well thought through article. Glad to know that you recovered, moved on and found love again. I can identify with this article.
I really enjoyed your article and all the comments. Here's my issue I married a man 15 years older he had 2 kids, now grown. I have tried for years to make suggestions on how we could grow closer. He doesn't try them. But I truly do love him. Now I'm thinking about divorce, after 10 years. What do you all think? I don't want to hurt him but I have been hurting for so long now.
I enjoyed most of the article until you mentioned it is both people's fault and I agree with that, but then why did you continue the rest of the hub with how the woman should make the effort to please her man. I have to disagree with that- yes, men need sex with love, but as a new mom if I'm going to make the effort, he can make the effort to make my life easier by helping out with the baby more. Many men wonder why the sex is gone after a baby and they want to continue a normal sex life but life has changed for the woman and it should for the man too, as in helping more so she has energy to have or initiate sex.
So many people don't express their true feelings because they fear confrontation.
Your most sensible course of action would be to tell your husband you are so unhappy, you are thinking of leaving. He may genuinely not realise how desperate you are.
I remember when I had a similar talk with my partner, the thing that rocked him was the fact that I'd bought a book - the one I recommend in this article (I handed it to him during the conversation). He said it made him realise I was serious.
Of course, there's a risk he may say, "if that's what you want, then go." But he could just as easily want to make things better. If he wants you to stay, I recommend you get some counselling, preferably together. He hasn't listened to you in the past so it sounds like you need an outside person to help the communication.
Izetti, you posted while I was replying to Whattodo!
Yes, I'm saying a woman should make the effort to maintain a normal loving relationship with her man after a baby - but I agree, it's a two-sided thing. In the early days, you may be too tired for sex - and in my view, that's fine provided you make a point of telling him you still fancy him to death, but you're just too exhausted. Suggest that if he helped out more, you'd have more energy to spare for the bedroom!
I would be the first to say that if your husband expects things to continue the way they were, but does nothing to carry the extra load, he deserves everything he gets!
I survived a bad relationship of 3 years too.I would give advice to any woman- leave him, don't stay in unhappy relationship,it won't work.My ex was a pathological liar and a cheater.I gave him a lot of chances but he could never change for better.Now my life is happy and peacful.
I love your article. I find myself questioning my marriage of 13 yrs and 3 young children later. For the past year, I find myself and the kids in a separate room in the evening from my husband. I am constantly being "reminded" and asked how much I weigh and that I need to diet. I am overweight and feel that it is due to stress. I long for the time that my husband is working in the evening to have the home to ourselves. The only problem I am finding at asking for a divorce are the children, and the house. I plan on getting the house ready as much as I can to sell before I ask for the divorce. I deal with depression every day and low self esteem, and was never like this prior to marriage. I know it is time to leave...I just don't know how.
"I know it's time to leave - I jut don't know how". Laura, I'd say almost every woman in your situation feels exactly the same.
Be careful that "getting the house ready" isn't just an excuse for putting off the decision. If you're that depressed, the sooner you get out, the better.
If you can afford it, I recommend you see a marriage counsellor. Don't make the mistake of assuming that counsellors can only help put a marriage back together - they can help you work out how to get out of one, too. The exception are counsellors affiliated with a church or religious organisation, because they are only interested in keeping couples together. You can see a counsellor alone, they don't just see couples.
Take courage and you won't regret it!
Thank you Marisa! I will look into the marriage councellor. I know that it will just be me that goes, but I need all the advice I can get. I know the grass IS greener on the other side....it is just getting out of the comfortness of things, and doing something. I know women do this all the time, but sometimes I feel I am so alone at making this decision. Thanks again Marisa for the advice!
Laura - you have a way with words - maybe you should think about joining HubPages and doing some writing, as an outlet for your feelings! Your phrase, "The comfortness of things" says it all. You're certainly not alone in finding that the hardest thing is having the courage to step outside your comfort zone.
I have just left my marraige of 20 years, my husband is a good man but has a negative outlook on life and externalises blame. I am a very positive, possibilities person, flexible and open in my thinking. I reconnected with an old school love who nutures my spirit instead of depleating it. I feel immense guilt and cant say I was desparately unhappy but once I had met this love that I was unaware even existed I felt I had to leave or face an affair and a less than commited marraige. Stay and endure or go , be true to myself and pursue happiness no guarentees of course.
Kathryn, I also left a long relationship, even though I couldn't "say I was desperately unhappy". He was a sweet man, too - but we had nothing in common, and I was constantly compromising my own desires and needs to suit him. There came a day when I decided I would rather be free to be me, even if it meant being alone. Soon after I met someone else, and we're now happily married. I don't regret my decision but I must admit, I still get pangs of guilt for having hurt such a good person.
I think it is dangerous, though, to leave one relationship for another. I know you didn't do it deliberately, but do be careful that you're not chasing a dream, which may not live up to your expectations when the first heady excitement wears off.
On the positive side, even if this new relationship doesn't last, it's been the catalyst for you to get out of your old, unfulfilling life and start a new, vibrant one!
Thankyou for you insight, curiously this new relationship has been brewing since last September and commenced as a very solid friendship before progressing. I believe that all healthy relationships should be based on friendship and have an element of growing each other in a positive way. A wonderful book I can recommend for anybody reading this blog is The Universal Heart by Stephanie Dowrick, she talks about many aspects of love.
Kathryn
Kathryn, I'm a firm believer that relationships built on a foundation of friendship are the most solid and long-lasting. Sounds like you might have a keeper there! It's good that your new relationship is so solid, because I'm sorry to say the burden of guilt will take quite some time to go away - I still feel pangs and it's been five years.
I think that when a positive woman gets into a relationship with a negative man, it's because her mothering instinct has kicked in - there's no other explanation for such opposites to get together! Having spent all those years mothering him, you feel like you're abandoning a son. Sound familiar?
Oh yes you are right there!! Protect,reduce his suffering where possible and try try try to make him happy! I now know that happiness comes from within ourselves and that it is our responsibility to ensure our own strength and happiness before we can possibly consider a stong and equal relationship.
I have been all I can be and given all I have to give to my marriage. no matter how many years I stand by his side and wait for him to grow up and regard me as his wife and not his roomate, and respect me and my feelings... I have nothing left to give. i feel worn and depressed. i watch him every day just do his own thing and forget about me as if i should have my own life. how dare i expect him to be there for me and be my partner??? i just feel lost and hope less. on top of it all he treats my children diferent than the child we had together. I dont know what else to do but leave. im unhappy. I hate the prospect of being like this for the rest of my lif. I never believed in cheating but im tempted to look for someone else to be mature and be my mate and my comfort and my companion. not just some guy i live with. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaliyah, I don't know where you live so I don't know your culture. But why do you feel you have to wait for some other man to rescue you? Cheating is never the answer, because your new man will always have a little doubt - after all, he knows you cheated on your first husband, so can he trust you not to cheat on him?
If you are unhappy and want to leave, then you need to do it on your own. I know that is difficult if you haven't been used to working or don't have your own money, but there are ways. Once you are free, you can meet another man and have a relationship with your head held high, because you have been honest and you haven't cheated on your husband.
My husband walked out on my for 3 months and gave me a bunch of really small reasons for his leaving like he is sick of being treated like a 2 year old, so he runs away like one!!! He barley spoke to me in his absence, I had no idea what was going on or if he was coming back, I felt he was suffering from depression. He then decided on his own to come back, we are in seperate rooms, he is living his own life, going out drinking with the boys on the weekends and barley speaks to me, he can not say he love me and can't even call me by name when he is asking me something. The thing is I actually like it when he leaves. I get myself to a point where I know I'll be ok and that I don't want him back then he will call me and talk about future plans. I'm so confused. I'm sick of being mentally abused. I don't know how to leave, I'm not sure If I want to or not. I hate the fact that I let someone do this to me.
Penny - it sounds like you're one of those women who's more like a mother than a wife (I can recognise it, I was one myself!). He's right, you probably were treating him like a child, but that's because he is one - somebody had to be the grown-up in the relationship.
The only reason he's come back is because he's realized he can't manage without his "mom". You cook for him and do his laundry - he won't leave again until he finds some other woman who's sucker enough to take him on.
If he leaves again, you need to be strong and remember all the talk of future plans is bulls**t. Change the locks. Better, move house and don't tell him where you're going.
Here's my situation, condensed version. My marraige of almost 14 years has always had these bumps in the road. At four years I was feeling neglected and ignored and began chatting with a man online. In the meantime I had found out that my husband was receiving emails from a woman that he worked with. I then moved out of our newly built house and moved in with a friend that had a spare room. I eventually met my online friend and I believe I was falling for him until one day he apparently got scared and promptly backed away. Feeling like I had nothing here for me, I then moved to another state (still married) where I lived alone and worked until I had a moment where I thought "What the hell am I doing?" I called my husband (who was in a new relationship with someone) and pleaded to come back. I returned to our home in July and found out I was pregnant with our first son in August. He was born in 2000 and his brother was born in 2002. All of those years were really wonderful. Until around the end of 2006 when my husband began an affair with a woman from our town. He ended up moving out for a little while into an empty apartment in town leaving me and the boys at our home alone. He eventually came back only to "relapse" with the same woman again on two separate occasions. I took him back all times. The last of these "relapses" came in the form a phone calls between them that I'm not sure that I believe the story behind. That was only 3 months ago. To add to my confusion I've recently been in contact with that "online friend" from way back. It's been ten years since we last spoke but it feels like we've known each other all of this time. He's in a not-so-happy marraige in another state with a daughter. So I'm at odds with myself. I'm not sure if I should stay where I'm comfortable financially? My boys would be put under stress. There are a lot of variables to consider. I'm a firm believer in "all things happen for a reason". I just wish I knew what that reason is.
Engrish, sounds like your big mistake was pleading to go back. It doesn't sound like you wanted to go back to your husband because you loved him - you were just lonely and missing the life you had. When your kids arrived, things were wonderful because of them, not because of him. I recommend you read this article:
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-a-Baby-Can-Lead-to-Div
and ask yourself whether it might apply to you. Perhaps your husband is straying because he feels like all you care about is the kids?
Whatever you decide to do, DON'T go back to your online friend. His marriage may be "not-so-happy" but it's wrong to do anything to break it up, especially as the relationship went wrong once before. Think about what you would be doing to his current wife and child!
Only you can say whether financial comfort is a strong enough reason to stay, without attempting to fix your relationship. It certainly sounds like you and your husband don't talk to each other, so I think marriage counselling is your best bet - even if he won't go, you should. It will help you get your thoughts in order.
Hi,
I am in a same-sex marriage (We are both women). We've been together for two years and married for nearly one year. Since getting married it seems we fight all the time. Just yesterday, we were at the location of her part-time job (It's a contract-based night time janitorial job, I come sometimes to get out of the house and to do things I can't do at home, such as using the big table in the board room to get some sewing done as we don't have the room in our apartment.) We got in a fight, because originally she said I could come again this week, then she told me I couldn't come when I was already ready to go. I got in the car because I thought she was joking, but we sat in the driveway arguing for quite a while because she was serious. Just when I was about to get out of the care she started it and drove off, leaving me stuck with her when I no longer wanted to come. When we got there I told her I was going to walk home (Even though it is a 6-8 hour walk for me) and that I would see her later. She refused to let me leave, to the point that she hit me several times and jumped on top of me to prevent me from leaving. Finally I did get away, but had to come back because I badly needed a washroom (I have a condition that makes it hard for me to hold my urine when I need to go) I wound up staying there doing my sewing because she apologized, and because I knew I could walk for 6 hours without needing a bathroom again. She later asked me to help her dusting and mopping, even though I cannot legally work and it was getting late in the morning, if someone caught me working I could get into a lot of trouble and it was already after 6AM. When I refused she proceeded to beg me, and when I told her I really didn't think it was a good idea, she said "Well fuck you too" and walked off. I put my sewing down and walked outside to calm down, then came back in after ten minutes and returned to sewing. She came into the room and asked if I was going to help like I said I would, but I had never said that. I reminded her that I had not said that and she insisted that I did, and when I maintained my case, and then told her that she hurt me by talking to me like that when I had done nothing wrong, she got upset and left the room, only to yell, once again, "Fuck you!" When we got home she could not understand why I was too upset to make any food and instead set up a pillow and blanket in our living room to sleep on. This is after the drive home when I said I wanted to end the marriage and she insisted that she wanted to work it out.
We have been fighting almost non-stop for our year of marriage and tomorrow we have our first marriage counsleling session. I do not want to go because I don't think it is going to help at this late date. I tried to get us into counselling before we were even married, because we had problems, but it continues to escalate. She is physically abusive when she does not get her way, and when I striek back to defned myself, she gets depressed and makes me feel that I am wrong. She sometimes becomes violent towards herself and leaves me with no option but to physically restrain her and put myself in danger. Our house is always messy and she blames me, even though she never does the dishes (Her only real household chore as I am the housewife and she works) and she throws her dirty laundry on the floor instead of into the hamper in the closet. She nevers picks up after herself and she blames me for not being able to keep up. I feel that the marriage is over and I don't believe her anymore when she tells me that she loves me. I love her but I feel that for my own safety and my mental health, this has gone on too long. I cannot move back in with my parents though, because they live all the way in the eastern US and I now live on the West Coast of Canada. I cannot afford the airplane ticket. I don't know if they will have back anyway as my father is very homophobic, plus I have a history of being unable to find and keep a job despite my qualifications, partly due to my young age (Nobody wants to hire someone under age 21 when there are plenty of unemployed adults around.) I don't know what to do. I am financially dependant on my wife at least until I have my immigration paperwork and even then there is no guarantee that I can go anywhere due to the high rent prices in BC. I never sleep well and I barely eat, and I have no energy, however because I never move anymore (Lack of energy) I am gaining weight despite not eating. I was very healthy despite being a little overweight when I came here, now I am constantly sick and depressed and never want to do anything (Which puts even more strain on my marriage) Is there anythiing that I can do? I know I probably cannot save my marriage, but there must be something I can do to save my sanity in the meantime. My mother in law and my grandparents-in-law want to keep us together because they dono't know about the mutual physical vioplence that happens, nor do they know the extent of the emotional violence. My fahter in law simply does not care for me at all. I don't want to talk to my own parents about this because they will tell me I was foolish for moving so far away "for love."
Cheez whiz, I'm so sorry you've found yourself in such a tough situation. I think you're right - the marriage is over. I still think you should go along to counselling, though, because it really sounds as though your partner has some psychological problems and it might help her realise that. I doubt it can save the relationship, though.
Your lack of energy is caused by your depression. If you can force yourself to get out and walk around the block, or around the mall, every day (even though you don't feel like it) it will help.
I'm sure your parents will tell you that you were foolish - but maybe you'll just have to face that. Call them, admit they were right and ask to come home. They're your best way out right now.
i was reading most of this commons, and is funny i could relate to most of them BUT im a guy and thats how i feel about my wife, specially this remark "im tempted to look for someone else to be mature and be my mate and my comfort and my companion. not just some woman i live with. I HATE IT!!!" I feel like this every day, i want to walk out every single day, i actually make stories in my mind on how im going to walk out. I even makse songs about the things i hate about her, we make love every other month, if she feels like it, she has a problem with money so we are always under, im up to a point that i feel like im such an crappy person. this is my 2nd marriage and i shouldve never got marriead, im a moron for doing so. iwe argue everyday, i have headaches, chest pains and i dont know or dont have the balls to walk out. because of the kids, i saw my first 2 kids get destroy many years ago, and now my 2 youngest will be the same. I just need a break. like now i was looking at a map to dream about where would i run away to. im just an idot and looser and that how i feel...
Lostguy, of course men can feel like that too. I wrote the article with a slant towards women because they're more likely to feel "stuck" because they may not have an independent income. I'm assuming you have the money to set up home on your own, so the only reason you're feeling "stuck" is the children. It's a tribute to you, that you care more about their welfare than your own.
You're not an idiot or a loser - you just made a mistake. Now you have to decide how to fix it. Make a decision that you're going to leave when the kids are old enough - and decide when that will be. In the meantime, go to marriage counselling - alone, if you have to. The counsellor will help you work out strategies to survive your situation and take the edge of the worst of it. More importantly, a counsellor can help you work out why you made two bad choices in women, so the next time, you'll make the right choice.
I have been married to a sweet loving man and a good father for 15 years. We have been unhappy in our relationship for most of that time. We love eachother, but mostly my husband has felt unfulfilled, I believe this is a choice he has made as we have a good relationship with good communication, respect and a fair sex life. Our sex life is the crux of our problem. He wants us to feel in love all the time. I am a sexual and affectionate person, but the demands are suffocating and disabling. I do not feel free to pursue any interest, or even relaxation, without the fear of being caught spending time doing something unproductive (working) when, "if I really loved him" I would be spending that time romancing him. The years of guilt feel like they have sucked away my soul. I am a positive person who appreciates the beauty all around. I love to play music, but have to steel time to play. We have been through counseling for years. Our love for eachother is undeniable, but so is the fact that we are not happy together. Two months ago, I told my husband I wanted to split up. I work out of town alot this time of year, so we agreed that he would stay at home to help with our teen-age boys while I'm away. I have been pursuing my interests and have been freed of the giult. I have thus been freer with my affections. He does not want to split (a different story from the one he told two years ago when he asked me for a divorce). We have been co-habitating for the last two months and are more happy with eachother than we have been in a long time. He now says he sees some of the ways he could change. I did too, of myself, two years ago when he wanted a divorce. Should I give him a chance? I feel in my heart that our currnet, happy relationship would not be sustainable if we were to stay together, but maybe I am just afraid of losing more time, and am being short-sighted. One confounding issue is that we met in college, I had a 9 month-old child, we had our second when we were juniors in college. We developed our careers and family simultaneously, very stressful. We never go out, there's always work and family to take care of. So now that the boys are more independant, maybe we ther's hope for us. That aside, I don't want to hurt him, I don't feel I have the right to tear my family apart. If we didn't have such a long history of hurting, maybe we could reconcile, but the wounds are so entrenched. As my boys sleep witout worry for their future lives, I am tormented by the thought of blowing our family apart.
Crackers, it sounds as though your husband's expectation of a relationship is one of total immersion. He thinks that happiness is spending 100% of your time with your loved one, and nothing else matters. You feel the need of outside stimulation. Neither of those expectations is wrong - they are just different. You can love each other deeply, but if your expectations are different, one of you isn't going to feel satisfied by the relationship.
If he says he sees ways in which he can change, you need to demand that he itemise those ways. If he can't communicate and make clear commitments about those changes, he doesn't mean it.
I know you dont want to hurt him. But I always come back to this question - can I spend the rest of my life with this man. If the answer is no, then you're going to hurt him one day. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for him to recover. So better to do it now than delay.
I'm in the process of figuring out whether I should try to save my marriage or leave my marriage. It's been 2 years in the making and I'm overcome by guilt and some anger as well. Has anyone tried Retrouvaille? http://www.retrouvaille.org/ Has it worked? What was the turning point in wanting to continue with your marriage? Were you able to fall in love with your spouse again?
I have told my wife I don't "love" her the way I used to. I love her as a person and as the mother of our daughter. I have feelings for another woman, someone who I've known for 5 years now. I have stronger feelings for the other woman than I do my wife. I even told my wife as soon as In knew this was going to be a problem. I told my wife we need to talk to someone about this because this isn't right. She told me she wasn't going because she felt I blamed her the last time. (There's a lot to this story that are too long for here) I've explained to my wife that she has pushed me away so many times that I'm done. When I told her I'm planning on leaving is when she kicked into action. Meanwhile, my feelings for the other woman are so much more that I can't see myself staying with my wife. I'm not in love with her and I've admitted that I've been cheating on her for the last 18 months or so. We've tried counseling both separately and together and now we've been asked to try this other program. Like I said, I don't have the feelings for my wife as I did when we were married and I'm tired of my wife not trying until now. She might be able to try now, but what's preventing her from going back to the way it was. I can't tell the other person I don't want contact with her anymore. I have too many strong feelings for her and in the industry we work in, there's no guarantee we won't see each other or have to talk to each other in the future. I would have to give up the other woman to save my marriage and for some reason I don't want that.
I know that might sound selfish, but in reality, over the years I've been doing things for everyone else and I've done nothing for myself and my happiness.....until now.
Fireman, it does sound like you've mentally left already. I notice you've been to counselling on your own - was your counsellor connected to your church or any other body that could have a moral viewpoint about keeping you together?
If a truly neutral counsellor hasn't been able to help you make up your mind, I'm not sure what to suggest. The only question I would ask is - if the other woman suddenly disappeared, would you still want to leave your marriage?
If the answer's yes, then perhaps it's time to take the plunge. If the answer's no, then you need to take a hard look at yourself - as long as you rely on other people will make you happy, you never will be.
Marisa, I guess I'm holding on to some hope that something will change in my marriage. I've told my wife that I feel as though she's pushed me away and that's why I want out of our marriage. She's now realizing what she's done and is trying to make changes. I should want to change too but the thought of giving up the other woman is scary because I consider her more than the “other woman”. We were friends before it took the turn towards something more than a friendship. Something that I never thought of while we were working together. It wasn’t until I decided to leave the workplace for another that something changed for me. I bought the book "Too Good To Stay Too Bad To Leave" and am working through this process to see what's making me so ambivalent to staying or leaving. I can't get the other woman out of my mind or stop having feelings for her. I've tried to make a break from the other woman only to feel something missing. My wife is trying to make things better between us and we've talked about this in great detail last night. The counseling sessions didn't work for some reason, both personal counseling and couple counseling, that's why we were looking into the Retrouvaille program. I don’t know why the counseling sessions didn’t work. It could have been because of counselor, it could have been because of my ambivalence. My problem is that I can't stop thinking about and wanting to be with the other woman. Although I felt closer to my wife because of our conversation last night, I still think about the other woman and being with her. In my mind, I've made so many plans with the other woman that I feel that I have replaced my wife to some degree. Some of my biggest questions to myself are: "When is enough....enough?", “Do I want to save my marriage?” and, “What’s causing me to want to leave my family and my marriage?”
Fireman, I hope the book helps. It certainly helped me see things more clearly.
Your affair with the other woman is pretty long-standing now. If it was only a few months old, I'd say you were still in the fantasy stage - but it does sound as though it has a more solid foundation.
How does she feel about the situation? Are you able to discuss it? Remember that communication is crucial to a successful relationship - if you're not able to talk this over with the other woman, you may be leaving one unsuccessful relationship for another which is also doomed to failure.
If there were no children involved, I'd have to say you sound like you should leave. Mentally you've already left. It's actually unfair to your wife to try to hang on, because I can see that eventually, you're going to leave her at some point. The longer you delay, the older she gets and the harder it will be for her to find another partner.
However, because there are kids involved, you have their welfare to consider too. Only you can decide what's best for them.
Good luck with your decision.
Another Excellent Post!
News
- Stay married if you want kidsCNN22 hours ago
Much has been written about the Obamas' marriage. The president and first lady have attested to the long and hard work it takes to stay involved and connected to each other while maintaining their separate identities.
- Live from New York: Marriage Equality VoteThe Advocate22 hours ago
Senate Democratic leaders agreed, for the first time, to hold a vote on the marriage equality bill that Governor Paterson said would take place before the end of the year.
- Maine voters stun pundits, reject gay marriage lawFlorida Baptist Witness2 days ago
AUGUSTA, Maine (BP)--Supporters of traditional marriage in Maine shocked the political world and even some of their own supporters Nov. 3, overcoming a slew of obstacles to overturn a new law that had legalized "gay marriage."
Further Reading
- http://themarriagecounselingblog.com/
- Relationship counselling supporting marriage, relationships and family life - Marriage Care
Marriage Care is an organisation committed to the life-long support of marriage, relationships and family life through the provision of reliable, relevant and accessible services. - Till talk us do part - theage.com.au
Faced with a crisis in their relationship, many couples turn to a counsellor. But does it do more harm than good? By Bettina Arndt. - The Age - He should stay and go - Los Angeles Times
Dear Amy: My wife of 17 years had an affair eight years ago. I said I forgave her, and she said she was sorry. Neither of us really meant it. Now we are living a civil but unrewarding life - Dr. Phil.com
Dr. Phil has galvanized millions of people to 'get real.' Find out more about him and his show. - How Controlled Separation can save a marriage
- Throwing in the Towel on Your Marriage
How do you know when it's over or when to throw in the towel on your marriage relationship? - To Stay or Let Go...That Is the Question
If you're going through marriage trouble right now, you'll probably agree this is one of the most stressful times of your life. - Marriage Infidelity-Stay or go
- Managing Separation and Divorce — Relationships Australia
Gwensgifts says:
2 years ago
We've already been through counseling twice. I think we would make great friends and parents but we're just not making eachother happy as husband and wife.