Staying Married is Based on My Needs Being Met?
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So why did you get married in the first place?
Is it because you had certain needs and your wife was able to meet these? I hope not. A healthy relationship is not based on dependency. You need to be able to count on the other, true. You should be able to rely on the other, sure. But if you are (too) dependent on the other, you have a problem.
A healthy relationship should be a symbiosis. And basically there are three types of symbioses:
Mutualistic symbiosis
In a mutualistic symbiosis all parties involved benefit from the relationship. Together we're strong, so to speak. The partners complement each other in such a way that both experience an increased well being. This type of relationship is characterized by sharing. Both partners give.
Parasitic symbiosis
In a parasitic relationship one - the parasite - benefits from a prolonged, close association with the other - the host - which is harmed. In this type of relationship one of the partners will always suffer. One is a giver, the other a taker.
Commensal symbiosis
Commensalism is a kind of symbiotic relationship where one benefits and the other is not significantly harmed or helped (like a bird living in a tree). The term derives from the Latin com mensa, meaning "sharing a table". My marriage had evolved into this type of relationship which was the main reason we agreed to divorce.
I assume that I don't have to tell you which type of symbiosis you should aim for :)
So what about your needs then?
Let's face it, we all have needs and most of these needs can well be shared among partners.
Physiological needs (eating, drinking, sex)
You eat together, drink together, have sex together and in doing so you satisfy your needs together. You share these needs and also share what is required to meet them. Your sex drive may differ, and that's something you should address and work out.
Safety needs (a home, income)
You live in the same house, share the income in some way, in short: you cover for your safety needs together. You will agree on the division and on how each of you will contribute in meeting these needs, but at the end of the day it is something you do together. It's not a matter of "I need this and you meet that need".
Social needs (friendship, family)
The need for a family is met. After all, the two of you are a family. And chances are that there will be in laws too, who are also a part of your family. In addition you will have friends, so again this is not the type of need you want your wife to meet.
Esteem needs (respect and affirmation)
Finally we're getting to the needs that you really need others for. Not just your partner, mind you. You need affirmation from your co-workers, your friends and your partner, just as she does. Both you and your wife need to feel appreciated and respected. If the two of you no longer appreciate and respect each other, you do have a problem; a mutual problem.
Growth needs (self-actualization)
Self-actualization is a term that has been used in various psychology theories, often in slightly different ways (e.g., Goldstein, Maslow, Rogers). The term was originally introduced by the organismic theorist Kurt Goldstein for the motive to realize all of one's potentialities. Key here is that we want to realize our potentialities. In other words: they are your capacities and you want to develop these. You. It's not your wife who has to fulfill you, it's your self-fulfillment. So don't expect her to meet this type of needs. In a healthy relationship the two partners are supportive and give each other time and space to become what they can be. So don't think: "What can my wife provide me with?" but "how can I support her in her growth?" Think in terms of giving rather than taking. If both partners have this attitude, both will benefit and grow.
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Comments
Commensal symbiosis is not entirely wrong, nobody gets hurt. But I think you do need to grow yourself. Some things you do to grow you can do together, other things have to be done alone or with others. And then of course, you also need to just enjoy life together. Cheers, G-Ma! *hugs*
I think my wife might be a parasite type of lover. I demand food and she only makes it for me when she feels like it, and sometimes tells me to "F- off and make it myself." When I go upstairs at night, after some hubbing or something, and wake her up for sex, she tells me to "F- off and do it myself." Clearly she is a taker and I should make her read this hub so she can learn and grow and start making our relationship healthy.
:)
Another great hub. You have a very insightful mind and you carry off complex ideas without didacticism. I respect your balance too. Good work, as usual.
Your wife definitely qualifies as a parasitic taker (redundancy intended here). I find it incredible how you manage to keep up with her, Shadesbreath. Most men would already have given up long time ago, but you... well, there are no words for this level of endurance, really. :)
Thank you, thank you very much. As usual you manage to balance it even more by adding top class humor!
great hub. I enjoyed your insight into relationships. I'm recently seperated so it gives me much to ponder. :)
It's interesting, just two days ago, my mate, Phil and I were discussing our relationship in a spiritual forum where we are both members, and we shared why our relationship works, and this in part what Phil wrote:
"Yes, absolutely agree. Marie and I met 5 years ago and neither of us were looking for a relationship. Our relationship developed effortlessly and remained effortless. There's no sense of needs to be fulfilled and yet that does happen and there is gratitude. There's no sense of expectations, just a trust and an appreciation for each other. We laugh and play and tease each other like little kids and we're almost never apart and don't want or need to be.
Clearly, self acceptance is necessary for such a relationship, and in this acceptance of other comes naturally. While a relationship based on need and expectation is clearly destructive, a relationship built on acceptance and gratitude grows deeper and stronger. For the first time in our lives, we can both be exactly who we are, which in itself is a priceless gift."
Thanks for this hub!
Thank you, pcdriverupdate. I divorced two years ago now and pondering (not being stuck in it) does help in my experience. I think it’s important to acknowledge where things went wrong and what you could do differently in the future. Thanks for commenting.
Wonderful, Violetsun. “No sense of needs to be fulfilled, yet it does happen.” In my view that’s exactly what happens in fruitful relationships. Thank you for this beautiful example and for reading!
Great Hub. well explained. This tells me a lot about my first Marraige (Parasitic symbiosis) to my current marraige (Mutualistic symbiosis). Thanks for the information and a great hub. Perhaps I was a seahorse in my past life and lived in a similar relationship for 35 years. Now I do not need to become a serial killer (close call)!
Thank you, sixtyorso. I think it's good to openly assess and discuss your relationship. Please don't, you're just fine the way you are :)
Hi Ananta. Interesting hub, and well-explained, though I wonder if most relationships actually do that inter-crossing Venn diagram thing, and don't sit neatly in a single category? (Or is that just mine?)
Once again, you have written a most thought provoking hub, my friend. Indeed food for thought. I'll need to carefully consider these points before I can qualify a comment. Thank you, Ananta.
*smiles*
Amanda, I would guess that many relationships sort of wander from category to category, especially when you're young. I hope yours falls into the right one :)
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Terenceyap, thank you too. I'm still 'struggling' with Buddhadasa Bhikkhu :) Take your time, my friend *smiles*
With all of these relationship hubs, I'm either going to label you as a love doctor or I'm thinking you're in a healthy marriage. Either way, this is another good hub.
I find it a very fascinating field, talented_ink: human interactions, relationships and so on. They're a rich source of inspiration. I'm in a healthy relationship as far as I'm concerned. We still have our issues, of course. But these issues teach us and enable us to improve and grow. And remember: it's so easy to tell others how they should act, but doing that ourselves quite often is something a bit more difficult. Reality usually proves more difficult than the theory :)
Thanks for reading and commenting!
I need to get married because I am fed up staying alone away from family and cooking myself. I miss a good friend. Ofcourse "SEX" is something that I am looking forward to. The most I miss is a REAL GOOD FRIEND. You hub on "How to Keep wife Happy" should be helpful.
You need to be happy with yourself. At least, that's my opinion. If you depend on others to meet your needs, you're bound to be disappointed. That doesn't mean you should stay alone, of course. We all need friends, people we can connect with.
"You need to be happy with yourself" - This sounds good in THEORY. In reality it doesn't works. Even I used to believe that one should be happy because he wants to be happy. But this doesn't work. Now it has been 5 years that I am staying alone away from my family. Nobody can be happy this way. We all need someone SPECIAL to share our happiness and sorrow. We all need love and care. All the money that I am earning look good for nothing when it cannot bring any happiness to me. My uncle is a MILLIONARE (In USA) but his Money has never given him any happiness. Now he left the main city in Oregon and went to live in the Ranches. He has built a Farmland with a House of 5 Star Facilities. Now he is getting some happiness in the GREENS away from the Hastle and Bustle of the main city.
Money is definitely no guarantee for happiness, GuideBaba. I agree. And we all feel the need to share, level 3 in the pyramid of needs. Finding happiness within yourself is not the same as being alone. I hope you will be with your loved one(s) soon.
hmmm, not very romantic, but your hub is very thought provoking... c",
Romance is important in a relatiosnhips, Ane Fallarme but there also has to be sense :) The better you understand your relationship the easier it is to find the romance too, I think. Thank you for commenting.
G-Ma Johnson says:
15 months ago
I don't like what I have realized now...ummm I was in the Commensal Symbiosis and actually pretty happy sitting in that tree...till the branch broke and knocked me cold..... Now I can see that we both needed to have some seperate adventures...more of our own space..."better to have loved and lost..then to have never loved at all"..Thanks for making me see more clearly...after 33 yrs together it has been a tough road for me( whine--whine) Wine? where? sure I'll have a glass...LOL G-Ma :o) hugs