Dale Doback: You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.

Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?
Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.
Brennan Huff: Oh, he did?
Brennan Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
Brennan Huff: It was not silent.
Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.
Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.

Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Velociraptor.
Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Good Housekeeping.
Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: John Stamos.
Dale Doback: What?
Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends?
Dale Doback: Yep!
Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage?
Dale Doback: Yep!

Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!

Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!

Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!

Alice: Stay golden, Ponyboy.

Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.

Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!

Brennan Huff: I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

Alice: I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.

Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!
Brennan Huff: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Nancy Huff: Brennan.
Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.
Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right...
Brennan Huff: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...
Nancy Huff: Brennan!
Brennan Huff: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!

Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.

Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Cal: You're gay, now?
David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?

Andy Stitzer: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night.

Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!

Jay: I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Oh, turban now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a Slurpee? You wanna Slurpee?' Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.

Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: No.
Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?

Waxing Lady: So this is your first time getting body wax?
Andy Stitzer: Yes. Yes, it is.
Waxing Lady: Take off your shirt.
Andy Stitzer: Ok.
Waxing Lady: Oh!
Waxing Lady: We gonna need more wax!
Waxing Lady: And cancel all my afternoon appointments!

Cal: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.

Andy Stitzer: I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.
David: What, masturbate?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. Are you kidding me? Why not?
Andy Stitzer: It's not a hobby of mine.
David: Well, then, that's the only hobby you don't have.

Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women.
Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I *am* the Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master. "Ooh, do me, Yo-Yo Master, I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!"

Trish: Hello?
Andy Stitzer: Hey, how you doing?
Trish: Um... how you doing?
Andy Stitzer: I'm well.
Trish: Who is this?
Andy Stitzer: This is... James.
Trish: James? Do I know you, James?
Andy Stitzer: I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent.
Trish: Are you a telemarketer, James?
Andy Stitzer: Yep.
Trish: Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head! Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Trish: All right, I'll see you later, James.
Andy Stitzer: Nice to talk to you.
Trish: Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.