Hi, my name is Patty and I am the mother of six children, my oldest, my heart, my perfect first born daughter, is really grown up. She is graduating from college, Her major is Sports Administration, and her two minors are in Excercise Physiology and Business Administration. I am proud! But, now? I really have to back off and let her make the next decisions, like work or grad school; and reconcile myself to the fact that she will , for the time-being, remain down in fla., while her mommy, continues to raise the other four still in school, up north (Lexi's sister, Chelsea, is a sophomore at the same college, she missed her big sister when she went away, so went down there to be with her). Buyer beware: where they go far away to college, it can and does sometimes becomes their new 'home'.

It's hard. You want your children to be happy, but at this point, I have to probably put a muzzle on...it is time for her to shine and spread her OWN wings, I just don't want her little wings or any other part of her to be hurt or unhappy in any way. It's the mother in me. You've heard that being a mother doesn't end when they graduate or marry? Well, now I know first-hand how true that is. It is a lot harder than you might think to get this through your own novice skull.

My six children are all born within twelve years, which means that my oldest daughter used to babysit for five of them underneath her, from the time that she was only twelve. In retrospect, this truly amazes me...that I asked her to, and that she did it, and did it responsibly.

I looked at some old videos a while back, and in one, Lexi, then just about thirteen, or nearing that, and her sister, two years her junior, were babysitting and had decided to video tape a 'horror' movie. My first impression was, AHH, I can't believe those little things were in charge! My second was, wow, our life was crazy back then!

First the camera focuses on my oldest boy, then about eight, on the top bunk with a dinosaur making roaring noises at the camera, i guess that was supposed to be the horror part...then the movie continues throughout the messy ranch-style house, over piles of toys, past a playpen, past remnants of what was lunch on the kitchen table, over more toys and junk, to finally rest upon then four or five-year old Sam, sound asleep on the sofa, amid more toys and blankets. It was Christmastime , so the small living room (we have since doulbed our living space in a new house) was more crowded than usual with the tree up. The girls and movie makers, are running and screaming, and laughing....out-of-breath, and acting like, well, kids. My guess would be that they were running away from the dinosaur, that Max, the eight year old, was playing with on his bunk. There is such a lot of commotion; but there was also a lot of LOVE- - as I am watching this video, oh, nine years post- production, I am amazed now that I would even would have thought of leaving Lexi in charge of all of those kids, but I had put so much responsibility and trust in my oldest daughter,that? She just did it. At thirteen years old. She must have been the one taping, the camera moves on to show my youngest, at that time, oh, geez, just ten months old, maybe a month or so younger, hanging on to the bottom bunk, his pacifier stuck in his mouth, his eyes wide open, just sucking the death out of his binky, in fear or amazement , I do not know! The whole time that I am watching the tape, I am thinking, where is Johnna? She was two at that time. I was getting nervous, until? The door opens, and in I walk with her on my hip. Now I remember, her and Harry are just 20 months apart, so when I went out (only to the store, quick), I would take either her or Harry with me. I didn't leave both home, even I realized that would be too much for Lexi and her capable assistant, Chelsea. I plop Johnna down, and Chelsea, (then eleven) asks her to count the stockings on the mantel, announcing very matter-of-factly that if she performs this task accurately, she will be rewarded with the candy cane that Chelsea is dangling, just out-of-reach, over little Johnna's head . I put Johnna down, and she begins to count, with accuracy, I might add. To Chelsea, Johnna was her pet, her toy. She taught how to say her ABC's, how to read....even Russian, which she herself had begun studying in middle school. Well, in any event, at some point during the video, Sam had gotten up from his nap on the sofa, and there I am , laying down with Harry, the baby, taking a nap.

I had forgotten how far I'd come, and how completely and excruciatingly exhausted I always felt back then. And how far my oldest daughter has come. My oldest daughter! Who had to be perfect (and really was), who was and still is my practice child. All that responsibility and all that pressure to live up to my new mother's expectations. Moreso, all that my oldest daughter did for me! Why do I recount that old tape? Because she is an extroidinary, remarkable young woman who worked hard to get where she is today, surrounded by palms trees and endless sunny skies. Does it surprise me that she has on top of her major, not one, but two minors? Nope. That she was not just involved in extra-curricula on campus, but that she was also on the board of whatever she did. That she is graduating with two honors? Phew! And Wow!

I've recently and very lovingly nicknamed her my 'runaway'..after realizing that she wasn't coming home after graduation.

And that, is what finally letting go is about. The realization that your child has grown and indeed, graduation from college makes for an excellent realization point. That she is now a young woman with her own mind and ideas and that she is trying to get a little space to figure out her next steps, and , she doesn't need me holding fast on to her hands as i did when she took her first baby steps twentyy-one years ago. She is her own person with her very own life now. I needed her to be, and raised her to be independant, and independant she has become.

Graduation from college, a once far away time, is here.

Bittersweet, memories......someone get me the kleenex, coz her graduation is going to be a major moment. For both of us.

Happy almost Graduation, Lexi! I love you so....

Always with Love,

xoxo

your mom

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