Stop Jealousy in the Name of Love

If you are in a love relationship and you have a tendency to be jealous, we’re here to help you stop that habit. As you probably know, neither you nor your partner feels good when jealousy rears its troublesome head. As Diana Ross and The Supremes so wisely advised, stop…before you break my heart.”

Not only does jealousy hurt the one you love with mistrust, jealousy also hurts you. When you grill your partner about where, with whom and what they’ve been doing while apart from you, it’s likely that you experience doubt and even anger. As you return to memories of a cheating ex and expect this partner to treat you in the same way, fear probably takes center stage. It is just about impossible to feel happy, fulfilled and satisfied with yourself and your life when fear, doubt and anger frequently appear alongside jealousy. So in the name of love for yourself-- as much if not more than for your partner-- we encourage you to stop the jealousy habit.

Hal has always been a handsome athletic guy. He’s had many relationships, each of which he took seriously only to be “dumped.” It feels like too many times to count that past relationships ended because his girlfriend cheated on him. He started dating Karen 6 months ago and is really enjoying getting to know her. The biggest problem he sees with Karen, however, is that she is a very social person. She manages a bar and loves chatting with the customers each night. When they are out together, Hal watches Karen intensely searching for signs of her interest in the other guys. He’s actually developed a friendship with one of Karen’s co-workers so that he can get inside information about what she does when she is at work. These jealous actions don’t feel right or good to Hal and he worries that Karen will find out he’s spying on her. At the same time, however, Hal wants this relationship to work out and feels like this way he can make that happen.

Whether your jealous habit looks like Hal’s or takes different forms, the end result tends to be the same. Even if Karen never finds out that Hal spies on her at work, she will sense that he doesn’t fully trust her. She might already be uncomfortable being watched so closely when they are out together. In short, jealousy is based on fear and only builds disconnection between a people. The irony is that often what a jealous person wants the most is to feel sure about his or her self and connection with the other person. Jealousy does not allow for this.

If you are ready to stop jealousy, try these suggestions…

1.) Watch for signs

In order to stop a jealous habit, you have to recognize the signs of jealousy as they begin. Even better, you can learn how to notice jealousy’s signals before it even shows its face. Think back to the most recent time you felt jealous. What seemed to trigger the jealousy? What specific feelings and sensations went along with the jealousy?

Hal notices that his palms start to feel clammy and his stomach tightens when jealous feelings begin to arise for him. A sense of unease and vulnerability also occur. Sometimes in the midst of strong emotions it is difficult to see anything other than what you are feeling. Use this to your advantage and get to know the jealousy. Breathe and notice.

2.) Question the stories

Jealousy almost always relies on stories for strength. As we all know, a story is something made up. The story Hal tends to tell himself—that women always cheat-- is based on hurtful past experiences but it is a story nonetheless. Acknowledging that his jealous assumptions are based on a story which may or may not be accurate is really important. Calling his jealous beliefs a story is a great step toward ending the jealousy habit completely.

Once you’ve noticed the signs of jealousy and reminded yourself that you are relying on stories that you made up for “proof,” the next step is to question those stories or beliefs. As Karen laughs with a male friend of hers, Hal might become triggered and feel jealous. As he sees the wheels spin in his head creating a story about Karen and this man, Hal might ask himself how accurate that image is. He can remember that Karen is a different person than his past partners and even focus on the wonderful intimate times they’ve shared lately.

3) Heal from Past Relationships and let them go

Many times, people are jealous because they have been cheated on in past relationships and can't let go of the fear of it happening again. In order to heal from a broken heart and past infidelity, you have to be willing to start learning how to forgive, yourself and the other person. Forgiveness can be difficult but you will continue to carry the grief from past relationships which can create jealousy until you heal the past.

As entrenched as jealousy may feel in your life, you can let go of this tendency. When you stop the jealous habit you may find your relationships closer and more connected and feel better about yourself too!